10 Words

Someone posted this on TB today, it was a really good read for me.  I want to share it, but I also want to link it somewhere so I can go back and read it again when I need a reminder.

10 Words That Describe Infertility
http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

Stolen from TB - Monday Bitchfest

This is me right now.  It's barely past noon and I'm feeling all confused in my head.  When we saw our RE's partner on Friday, we discussed the HSG, because I asked about it.  (They don't do an HSG per se, but rather a colour doppler, saline u/s or something - like I said, she rushed and didn't give me much time to write things down or clarify things).  She gave me a laundry list of reasons we don't need to do it right now - all of my other tests (lots of b/w and a few u/s) came back good, she asked about pelvic or bowel surgery in my history, STIs, etc.  I have none of those so she said there really aren't any risk factors so they absolutely don't think it's necessary right now.  She said if we do Femara and TI for a couple of cycles (2-3) with no luck, then they'd look at doing it.  In talking about it with other ladies who are far more knowledgeable than I about this stuff, it's sounding like I need to call and insist on having it done.  This pisses me off on a few levels.  It makes me question the clinic (which I've liked up until now, it's close by and my GP really recommended Dr. R), it makes me feel like the plan still needs to be altered, and it annoys me that I asked point blank about the test twice and then she still somehow managed to convince me, for a time, that we can proceed as planned.  I'm going to call on my lunch and ask some questions, see what Dr. R has to say and hopefully get this booked.  I have no idea what this all might cost, but I'm more afraid of the potential cost of me not insisting.

To make matters worse, I can't get into this in much detail right now, but my parents are not in a good place, haven't been for a while, and I'm worried they may be calling it quits.  I'm 29, I know there are lots of divorced people out there, but this breaks my heart.  I'm kind of on my mom's side in that I don't think she's being unreasonable at all, she's the one still willing to work on this, my dad doesn't seem to want to put in any effort.  I am so close to both of my parents, H & I are there every Sunday for dinner, we all get along super well.  I don't want to get into this any more, I just can't right now, but needless to say, it's helping with the jumble of crap that's running through my head.  Is it Friday yet??

Finally Friday!

After much anticipation and anxiety, Friday finally arrived!!  H & I met at the RE's office for our 11:15am appt.  Our regular RE is on vacation so we knew our appt was with his partner at the clinic, Dr. C, who we had not met prior to this appt.  Great first impression - she kept us waiting for 45 mins.  To a stressed out couple waiting for test results, let me tell you, we were not impressed.  I know it's a doctor's office, but are you kidding me, that's just ridiculous.  Anyways, when she finally came in to see us, she went through a shitload of test results.  All of my tests came back good, yay!  My TSH level came back at 2.05, even lower than a few months ago, so that was good to hear.  They had also done an u/s of my thyroid, which also came back normal.  Then we moved on to H.  I knew he was stressed about his SA results.  Dr. C says, "You're results came back and they're amazing!  Have you considered donating?" to which we all laughed, then H looked at me like, "That was a joke, right??"  His numbers were fantastic, she made another comment about how good the results were, and I know we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.  All of the rest of his results also came back all clear.  Yay - cue happy dance!!!

I have to admit, I didn't particularly like Dr. C.  She was 45 mins late, then rushed through our appt in 15mins, didn't give me a chance to ask all of my questions, I felt like she rushed us out of there, which didn't sit well with me.  Maybe this is all routine for you, but this is new and scary for us, I feel like she could have been more compassionate and understanding of our feelings of anxiety and confusion.  We're both hoping Dr. R is done with vacations for a while so we can work with him, rather than Dr. C going forward.

So the plan is for me to call the office on CD1 (which I'm anticipating to be the beginning of Oct), I'll go in and do my CD3 b/w and u/s.  They are looking at starting me on Femara or Letrozole (I believe that's what she said).  She initially said the would start me on tablets, to which I pursued it further by asking if she meant Clomid or something.  She said they haven't used Clomid in 16 years, they much prefer to go with either Femara or Letrozole.  She said they had fewer side effects, lower chance of multiples, and some other reasons that I can't remember but sounded good, she talked really fast!  So, we have a plan and we're moving forward, AND we don't have any additional hurdles in our way!  This is pretty much what I was hoping to hear - Dr. R said last time my chart showed crappy ovulation, which I'm still trying to learn exactly what that means, but we didn't want to find any other issues to deal with.  I call that a mini victory!

In....and out...

Deep breaths, obviously - get your mind out of the gutter, as my mother would say!  lol

Sorry for losing it yesterday, I was maxing out on stress in my personal life and work, and it just got so overwhelming.  Getting stuck working an extra 2 hours, with my pup waiting downstairs for me, when my boss just left me hanging made me stabby and I needed to rant.

Friday is finally almost here, and I have the day off work tomorrow.  I have my puppy back home.  I am trying to focus on the positive.  When my mind starts to wander, I try to remind myself to just breathe and focus on the good and not get ahead of myself.  Hopefully I can channel a little of this:

I just wanted to thank my awesome interwebz friends for being there for me.  I am so grateful for the friendships we've formed, you help me feel not so alone in all of this.  I am truly grateful for the support, encouragement, laughs and words of wisdom and kindness.  Thank you.

Anxious

I can't even identify all of the reasons for it, but for the last few days, I feel like I am in over drive.  I am so anxious and stressed about everything.  I know this stems from some serious anxiety about our doctor's appt on Friday.  I suck at waiting patiently, I want to know now, damnit!  I think H's freak out didn't help calm my nerves, and I won't fault him for it, and I won't tell him this, otherwise he probably will keep more to himself, which I don't want.  I just want Friday to get here so I can get some info and hopefully a plan that makes me feel better, like we're doing something.

The second big stressor this week for me was my puppy's surgery - she got spayed yesterday.  It's a good thing she didn't know what was coming, I've been more than anxious enough for the both of us!  I feel so much better now that she's back home, I missed her while she was away yesterday!

And now all I want to do is go hang out with her downstairs but I'm stuck up in my office working late!  (I'm logged into someone's computer so I can't take it downstairs with me).  I realize this isn't a huge deal, but because I'm already stressed, this is making me feel crazy!  I'm watching a copy and paste that is taking too fucking long!  See?  See how crazy I am today??  And that's just one example, it's taken next to nothing for me to feel like I'm unraveling this week.  Glad I work from home - yesterday there was a point I was logged into 4 computers trying to fix them, had 6 voicemails to return, plus my inbox.  I started to tear up, cursed loudly, then remembered how shitty it would be to work in an office and NOT be able to do that.  

I just need Friday to come, to finish work and snuggle with my poor cone-wearing pup, and chill the fuck out.  Deep breaths....

A Mini IF Meltdown

Cycle 14, that is.  I completely expected AF to arrrive, I didn't have very high hopes about this cycle.  It seems like rubbing salt in the wound to not only not be pregnant and have AF arrive, but the cramps, really?  Is that necessary??  Last night was spent curled up on the couch, breathing through the waves of horrid cramps scarfing down chocolate - hey, don't judge.  Way to kick off the long weekend!  (that's my sarcasm font, obviously)

Yesterday we went back to the RE for our second set of tests, which consisted of various ultrasounds.  I met H there since he went right from work, and he seemed a little off.  Afterwards, he was pretty grumpy, and I was understanding, who likes going to medical tests, but we didn't really get too much of a chance to talk.  He had to head back to work while I met up with my mom for pedicures and lunch (I drew the long stick on that one!).  After work, H came home and was apologetic for being grumpy, and said he was just feeling pretty rattled after our appt.  We sat down to talk about things and this was the first time I've seen H get all worked up/concerned/freaked out/etc about dealing with IF.  He seems hellbent on assuming there is something wrong with him - he is a healthy, active 28 year old man in good shape.  His hypochrondriac mind is taking over, and he is super worried about the results and is really annoyed we have to wait until next Friday to get our results.  He even asked if we can try to move up our appt, which would be tough and I'm not sure they'd have all of the results any sooner, plus this is a long weekend.  I felt pretty bad for him, I kept trying to reassure him and tell him there's no reason to get ahead of ourselves, in less than a week we'll get the full report and go from there.  No point in playing the "what if" game now.

I was fortunately feeling ok yesterday, surprising since it turned into CD1, I reassured him as best I could.  He apologized for unloading on me and I kept telling him that we're a team, this is what we do.  I get to unload on him and tell him when I'm scared, angry, sad, etc. and he gets to do the same.  He gets to feel the way he feels and he shouldn't have to keep that from me - we're in this together.  This was the first time I've heard him say, "Why us?  What did we ever do, why do we have to go through this?  This isn't fair." and all I could say is, "You're right, this isn't fair.  IF fucking sucks, and I'm sorry we are going through this."  I, too, thought this would be a magical process - we'd decide to have kids, have some fun sexy times for a few months or so, and then get pregnant.  I never dreamed that I would come to feel the way I do about TTC.  I am jealous of those who never have to know that TTC can get to a point that it's not fun anymore (not the sex part, that's always fun, but the TTC part of it all).  I love my husband more than anything and it broke my heart to see him like that.  I think we are both mourning for the TTC process we envisioned when we set out down this road.  I really felt like we are in this together - for the good, the bad, the angry, the sad - all of it.  Just because men's feelings regarding dealing with IF aren't often spoken about, doesn't mean they aren't going through a lot and trying to sort out their emotions too.  This is hard for him, I'm not the only one hurting and I'm really happy he was able to talk to me about it.

My favourite text from yesterday came after he apologized for being so negative, I told him it's ok to feel however he feels, and this was his response: "I have feelings too ya know!  I just don't understand them so I get mad at them.  Then when I can't beat them up, I get even madder".  That is my amazing and funny husband, I about died laughing when I read that.  He always manages to keep his sense of humour.

Cycle 14, CD2 and 6 days until we get our results and a plan.  Here's to hoping the week flies by and H doesn't lose his mind before then!

The cat is out of the bag

I have debated sharing our IF struggles with others until very recently.  Last weekend we filled my SIL in on what's been going on after she announced her pregnancy.  We had a family get together yesterday, so H decided to also share with his mom in the hopes that people might be a little more sensitive about the pregnancy/baby talk around us.  He wrote her a really well written email, focusing on our excitement for BIL & SIL but explaining, in an optimistic tone, that this is not coming as easily for us.  I love my MIL, she really is amazing so I was totally ok with H sharing this with her.  Once they both knew, it felt even more so like I was keeping a secret from my mom, so I decided to bite the bullet.

I asked her to stop by after church yesterday so we could chat.  We talked about a few various things before I got up the nerve.  I started by telling her that I'm going to be an aunt again, at which point she was beaming and hugging me, telling me how happy is she for me and for them - then she paused and looked at me and clarified that it's not on my side (i.e. my brother), I just laughed - as if I would be the one to tell her that news!  Our hugging lasted a moment or two, and then my eyes filled with tears.  She asked why I hadn't told her last weekend when I saw her and I said, "Because the news kind of comes with a little more info".  I told her we've been trying for quite some time, and the day SIL announced was our initial visit at the fertility clinic.  We started talking about meeting the new doctor, testing, the steps going forward and so on.  I mentioned Dr. R by name and she stops, grabs my arm, and says, "Dr. R?  Like up at (names street intersection)?"  I replied, "Yes, how do you know that?"  She goes on to tell me that a friend of hers had mentioned him at some point so when another friend of hers was struggling to get pregnant, my mom actually told her about Dr. R and fairly quickly, she was pregnant - her daughter is now 12.  What a random coincidence!  Anyways, we had a really good chat, she was as supportive as I knew she would be.  It feels good to get it out and not feel like there's this big secret that I'm keeping from her.  I think it helps to have one more person sending good vibes into the universe for us and praying for us to get our miracle.

I opened my email this morning to find this email from my mom:

Good morning love

This is not to make you cry but inevitably it probably will bring a tear to your eye.

I just cannot not respond to your news yesterday. 

I want to tell you how much I love you, how very sorry I am for what you and [H] are

going through and how happy I am that you confided in me.

You will be in my daily prayers and I KNOW that God will bless you with a very lucky and

healthy little baby some day. It may take longer than we hoped for but it will happen.

Keep praying and one day you will hold that sweet baby in your arms.

 I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

mom

xxxoooo

I feel a little stronger knowing we have some important people out there routing for us.  Let's hope those prayers get answered soon.