The cycle that will not end...

CD39/14DPO, according to my second O date.  I thought I was 11DPO when they told me I hadn't actually O'd, so just as I thought the 2ww was wrapping up, it was actually starting all over again.  Awesome.  This is also the second longest cycle I've ever had.  So.Much.Waiting.  I spent the second 2ww being fuming mad at my clinic for mis-confirming O, then super sad about a wasted cycle, and then I got myself focused on the cycle ahead.  I started spotting yesterday and totally expected it to turn into CD1.  Nope.  Woke up early this morning, totally expecting AF - nope.  By mid morning, I was confused.  I know your LP can vary by a day or so and it's really no big deal.  But it's only been recently that I've even started getting to 12-13DPO at all.  My LP used to be more like 10-11 days.  After talking to a few friends, and even though I was spotting this morning, I took a test.  BFN - obviously.  Why did I, even for a moment, think there might actually be a second line there?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  It's now mid afternoon, no AF, just an annoyed me.  Honestly, I haven't wished for AF in 17 months, but mentally, I'm over this cycle and have started to think positively about the next cycle and moving forward, which we can do as soon as AF arrives...any time now.

Faking it

We had a get together on Sunday with my ILs to celebrate my MIL's birthday.  On the Saturday, SIL and I were texting about what to get MIL as a gift, we often go in on things together.  Anyways, after we came up with that plan she texts me, "We know what we're having" (if you're a dedicated stalker, you may remember my SIL is currently pregnant with #2).  They're having another boy!  I congratulated her and texted many exclamation points, but the ache in my heart was so present.  I feel like shit for not being more fully excited.  I am excited, I really am - another nephew is awesome!  I just honestly don't feel as excited as I did with her first, and that makes me feel horrible.  I LOVE being an aunt, I am just having a hard time balancing that against my overwhelming desire and need to be a mom.  IF brain sucks.

Anyways, we had a nice time out for Chinese food dinner, as is tradition.  Then we went back to H's aunt's place for cake and presents.  I was having a pretty down weekend with my parents' stuff and waiting on this cycle to end, so I had to try really hard to pretend everything was fine.  The longer the visit, the harder it got.  I'm sitting there in a room with his whole family, everyone is happy and smiling and loving life.  And I can't stop thinking about my parents' separation.  I look at my ILs and so wish that was still my parents, happy and in love.  My FIL was planning all of these awesome birthday surprises for MIL.  It was just really hard.  Then there's my 3 year old nephew running around, my SIL pregnant with #2 and it's like, everywhere I look, I want what I can't have.  I want my parents to be together and happy.  I want to be pregnant (well actually I want my baby, 17 months later I didn't expect to still be wishing to see two pink lines).  I want to be at a point by Christmas that I could tell close family and friends about the most exciting news of my life (second only to marrying the love of my life).  I want my life to head down the path I always imagined it would.  I want to be happy, genuinely happy, not just happy for now but with a huge hole in my heart.

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and commented here, I so appreciate the kind words and support.  I still haven't told anyone IRL about all of this, I can't seem to find the right words yet.  But I'm thinking about it.  It has meant so much to me to not feel all alone, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

                    

Lost

I am so sick of it all right now and how unbelievably out of control everything feels.  I hide it well from most people, because no one knows about all this stuff with my parents or about IF.  I feel like I'm keeping these huge secrets from my closest friends and it feels shitty.  Yet I still can't seem to find the words to tell them what's going on in my life these days.  It's like a little part of me wants some area of my life not to change so much, I just want to be able to pretend that everything's ok for a little while.

My dad is moving out this morning and my mother is not ok.  She is a complete and utter mess, understandable since her marriage of 40 years is at stake in all of this, the man she loves is moving out and she is terrified of being alone, it's always been an issue for her.  I really believe this will be for the best in the end, I think they could both use some space right now to clear their heads and get some perspective.  He is only going to a temporary place, this is kind of a trial separation to give them both a chance to see what they both want.  I had coffee with my dad this week and it kills me to see this man that I love and respect so much, but whom I have watched struggle with so much shit that life has handed to him, it breaks my heart to see him hurting.  We talked at length about how important it is for him to find someone to talk to, he needs to stop burying his feelings and learn to own them.  I have never heard him utter one angry word about his situation, which has always surprised me.  He has every right to be angry - angry about the colitis, then the improperly monitored prednisone that caused huge side effects, all of his hip surgeries, cancer, now all of this pancreatits shit and yet another surgery - he has every right to be angry, to get pissed off and say, "this fucking sucks" because you know what, it does!  He said he didn't see much of a point to that and I responded that although saying that might not change things, it sure as hell can feel good to let it out.  It's certainly not doing him well to keep it all bottled up inside.  I talked about how much strength, courage, support and inspiration I have received from the amazing women I have met online also dealing with IF.  I have no idea what I would do without you all.  I told him sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, not someone you'll see tomorrow who will give you the sad puppy dog eyes and say, "so, how you doing?" in that knowing way.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside of your every day life.  I think I got through to him so I am hoping he will find a therapist soon.

I am struggling with my mom.  I am having a hard time figuring out what my role in all of this is, and should be.  My mom is one of my best friends, we are so close, and so very similar.  I reached out to my mom's friend, who I am very close to also, because I had no idea where else to turn.  She kept saying I need to stay out of this, I shouldn't be in the middle, these are my parents.  She needs to lean on her friends right now, not her daughter.  And I so hear what she's saying, I don't want to be in the middle, I love them both and want the best for both of them, together or separately.  But I don't know how to pull back and tell my mom I need to remove myself a little from this situation.  I don't want to her feel like she's alone or that I'm not here for her, and to support her, but I can't be her friend through this right now.  I know what it can be like to be going through something huge, and horrible and life altering and feel like you're all alone in it, and I don't want that for her.  But I'm worried she's going to feel like that and I don't know how to manage that, I don't want to let her down.

Everything is such a mess and I can't fix any of it.  I've seen this a few times and I so need to believe it right now:

Shades of Grey

The biggest thing I have learned from IF so far is that there are no certainties, no guarantees, no absolutes.  There's no definitive right answer, there's only a jumble of possibilities, so pick one and hope for the best.

I had an appt with the RE this morning (CD32), and of course on the day I really want to discuss the disaster of last cycle, I get Dr. C (the one I don't like).  In retrospect, maybe it was for the best since I think it made it easier for me to be a little tougher and express my dissatisfaction for this cycle.  I asked many pointed questions about last cycle - I read my lists right before she came in!  She explained some stuff to me, discussed my monitoring appts one by one with me, and unfortunately, while I just wanted to be mad, it sounds like this was a really strange cycle.  She used the word "waves", saying during a couple of appts early on, it really did look like I was gearing up to O, u/s after looked like the egg wasn't there anymore, making them think I had O'd.  More b/w later, it looked like levels had gone down and now we're not so sure about O.  I asked why no one called me at this time and she earnestly said it probably had to do with the fact it was all falling over the Thanksgiving weekend and some other excuses that didn't help much but honestly, this may sound bad, I was just happy to hear her sound a little...apologetic?  She also said this is technically still a diagnostic cycle and they really didn't anticipate this bizarre cycle.  So while I'm peeved and didn't get too many concrete answers (hence the shades of grey), I feel better that I got to say how I've been feeling and I'm happy that she seemed sort of sheepish about misconfirming O.  It's not perfect, but nothing in TTC seems to be.

More importantly, I was interested to hear about our plan for next cycle.  We talked about increasing the Letrozole dosage and adding Ovidrel (trigger shot) this time.  And after the previous part of this conversation, she said that this cycle, we will "micro manage every aspect" of my cycle this time around.  I feel better about this plan, clearly this cycle wasn't ideal as no one can really figure out what happened, or didn't happen. I am supposed to call at noon today to get my b/w results.  If my progesterone and other levels support the idea that I did O, I will just call on CD1, but if it doesn't look like I actually O'd (which would be the first time since starting TTC) they are talking about giving me provera.  I am really hoping I did O and will be getting AF in a few days time.  If we do the trigger, I'm not sure I'll need to be doing OPKs (any opinions??) but I will definitely be temping all cycle, at least then I have some of my own information and am not solely relying on the clinic.  I am just ready to get on with the next cycle.

Update:  I called and my b/w does support that I have ovulated, hooray!  So I'm back in either next Thurs or I call when AF arrives.  I have a pretty good feeling I will be calling before next Thurs.  

For the love of lists!

Ok, so I'm still pissed about this cycle and my lack of monitoring, at the most important times, nonetheless.  I am trying to put that aside and figure out what I, and we (my clinic) can learn from this disastrous cycle.  I have two main areas of concern that I'm going to outline here, so I can get my thoughts straight  before my appt on Thurs (and if any of my awesome friends or stalkers have any to add, please feel free!).  Two main areas of concern a) my monitoring, and b) my response to the Letrozole.

Monitoring:

1. How did they confirm O?
2. What was my progesterone levels on the Tues & Fri after I was told I had O'd?
3. When I was in on Friday, I think Dr. R said my progesterone from the previous Fri was 0.5, which didn't seem to support the notion I had actually O'd.  Who reviewed my b/w that day and decided I had O'd?  It seems Dr. R took one look and wasn't convinced of O, so who made the decision to not follow up on this?  (And can they never get the final say again?!)
4. Dr. R mentioned that the u/s after my supposed O was "cloudy" (I think that's what he said, I was pretty shocked and upset as he was talking to me) - why didn't anyone mention that at the time?  What does that even mean, anyways?
5. If there was any doubt about O, why wasn't I contacted and brought back in for more monitoring the following week?  It's not like I hadn't had a ton of u/s and b/w appts already, what's a couple more?
6. Also, if unsure at all, why not give me another u/s on that Friday, rather than just the b/w?
7. I'm also pissed because they say the stats are good on people getting KU the cycle of, or just after, and SHG - this makes me extra mad.  I realize it's not a question, but I'm extra disappointed that I went through that (which was brutal) and this cycle is almost certainly a bust - we have a very slim chance
8.  What will happen next cycle to ensure I am not incorrectly told that O was confirmed?  (I already plan on sticking with temping and OPKs - they told me once they started monitoring me I could ditch those, but I no longer feel good about that decision and am kicking myself for not doing it this cycle - so much for handing over control to them!)

Letrozole

1. My mid-cycle u/s's had seemed to indicate things were progressing ok, in retrospect, what do you think now?
2. I normally O between CD18-21.  How does it make sense that taking Letrozole seemed to delay O until CD25?  (that's still iffy too!)
3. What is the plan for next cycle then?  Increase the dosage?  Add a trigger?  

Sometimes I just need to remind myself to stay positive and hopeful, as hard as that can sometimes be, which is why I took a browse through my secret IF Pinterest board to read some encouraging quotes.  Fake it til you make it, right?

*Updates in green

Friday Frustrations...

You've been warned.

My father is moving out.  It was sort of a joint decision, although my mother is devastated.  But they couldn't keep going the way they were, it was breaking them both down into people I barely recognized.  They both deserve a chance to be happy, and while it breaks my heart that in order to achieve that, they might call it quits for good, no one is happy as it stands right now and this limbo has felt a lot more like hell than purgatory.  My dad isn't buying a place but hopefully renting a room for a few months.  Hopefully this space will be a much needed breather for both of them and they can gain some perspective and decide what they both want, separately.  So while I think this is the best thing right now, it really fucking sucks and that's all I can manage about this right now.

On to the next topic, my cycle.  I was thinking I'm 11DPO today and had an RE appt.  I didn't want to be surprised (it's the control freak in me) so I decided to POAS this morning; BFN, big surprise.  I was a little bummed, I had a shimmer of hope for this cycle, at least we did something new and different, we added the Letrozole and a shit load of b/w and tv u/s - I figured it's probably the best shot we've had yet.  But the realist in me just thought that would all be way too easy, and if you've been reading my blog, you may have noticed that things don't seem to come all that easy.  So with a bummed but ok head space I headed to the RE.  I was just going for b/w but then they decided last minute to throw in the dildo cam too.  I saw Dr. R afterwards and expected him to say call on CD1 or whatever, maybe talk about next cycle.  To my surprise, he said that it didn't look like I actually ovulated.  Pause.  Seriously??  In my 14 cycles of TTC and charting and stuff, I have never not ovulated, never.  And the cycle I take fertility meds, am under the very constant care of an RE, I don't ovulate.  Are you freaking kidding me?!  He said last Friday's b/w (I was 4DPO, or so I thought) my progesterone was quite low making him think I hadn't really O'd.  I am supposed to call at noon to get the results of today's b/w to confirm.  He said if I didn't O then he'll probably give me provera so we can get going with the next cycle.  I am incredibly frustrated by all of this.  I'm way more upset about not Oing than I am about the BFN.  If I didn't O, then the last 11 days that I've been thinking, "Maybe...just maybe" has all been for nothing, we didn't even have a shot this cycle.  Grrrrrr.

Ok, since all I seem to do here is bitch and moan, I finally have one good thing to share so I'm going to end on a positive note.  H and I sealed the deal on my new car this week!  2014 Subaru Forester :D  I am so freaking excited, I get to pick it up Tues!  Come on, Tues!!!  I have loved my Acura, it's been a great car, but it's time to upgrade to a newer, safer, bigger vehicle.

Update:  I just spoke to the nurse who said my progesterone is 5 making them think I *just* O'd, like maybe yesterday or something.  It has been a seriously shitty week (please see bitchfest #1 above) which doesn't exactly get me in the mood, so if I actually just O'd, we have no shot this cycle.  I am really pissed off about all of this.  If there was any doubt I had O'd, they should have kept monitoring me.  Shit, they had me in often enough early on, why stop if you're not absolutely sure.  I can't believe our first medicated cycle a) made me O later than I normally do on my own, when they said the opposite should have happened, and b) and we have no shot!  Our worst cycle in 16 months is when we're with the RE and I'm taking drugs.  If they had indicated there was even a question of O, I would have kept temping, using OPKs and making sure we were having plenty of sex.  Now I've done all of this - drugs and a shit ton of needles and vag cams, for nothing.  Is it an acceptable hour to commence drinking?  

Mercy

Ok, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  I can literally feel myself stressing out and I just want to yell.  I mentioned briefly in the Thanksgiving post that things are still all kinds of awkward with my parents.  I was actually wanting to talk to my parents, separately, to see what is going on.  This limbo is so hard, it's draining, it's emotional, and it's a big secret to everyone except immediate family, you guys, and a few awesome friends that let me vent to them - you know who you are.

My mom just called to tell me that my dad is back in the hospital.  She was at work this morning, she has a part time job in the mornings, and he called and asked her to come home.  She said she was almost done work and he insisted she come home now, it was an emergency.  She asked if it was our family dog (who is getting very old, we're all worried it could really be any time for her) and he said no, it was for him.  He had another attack of pancreatitis this morning.  She said she has never, in 40 years, seen him like that.  He was shades of grey and vomiting and in a great deal of pain.  We are a family very familiar with pain, so our go to question is the pain scale, 1-10.  He said it was a 10.  He has NEVER said it was a 10, never.  Even through 10+ hip surgeries, cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, etc, he has never said 10.  It kills me because I know he must have been in an excruciating amount of pain to say that.  My mom did what she had to do (i.e. turn on the water works) to get him a bed at the hospital (unlike last time) and he's been given something for the pain and is currently asleep.  They're doing b/w and will need to do a scan afterwards.

Funny enough (in a not really funny kind of way), he has an appt next week with the surgeon so they could discuss whether or not to remove the gallbladder.  And because this is my father we're talking about, it couldn't be the simple laparoscopic surgery anybody else would have, no of course not, that would be too easy.  Instead, because of the surgery from when he had cancer (he has a colostomy bag) they would need to basically cut him wide open.  That means a more intense surgery, I'm guessing increased risks, longer recovery.  But this doesn't surprise us, we go through this every time.  We never get the easy way out, we never get the 'best case scenario', everything for us has to be the hardest way possible.  I am so fucking mad right now and I'm fighting back tears because I feel totally helpless.  As if IF isn't enough for my plate right now, I have my parents marriage hanging in limbo, my father's health concerns, enough already!  Did you ever play that Mercy game as a kid?  Where you interlock your hands/fingers with someone else and then bend them back until the other person says "mercy"?  (It sounds way more horrible describing it now).  In my Mercy fight with the universe, I give, MERCY!!