Deja Vu

And my dad's back in the hospital.  @#$%&*&($#!&*   Seriously?  Seriously?!  9 days shy of his scheduled surgery and he's back in the hospital.  I'm having deja vu to my teen years, where it felt like every time we turned around, the other shoe was dropping and we were facing some new health related crisis.  It's starting to feel that way again.  Since last Halloween, he has had 2 hip surgeries and been hospitalized an additional 3 times for pancreatitis attacks, and he has an upcoming surgery in 9 days.  What.The.Fuck?

It has been a tough and confusing day for my mom, they are in their trial separation period and she's dealing with her own stuff about that, but here is my sick dad, going through all of this alone - how can she just not be there for him?  Gah, this all just sucks so much, for everyone.

Onward

I had my CD3 monitoring appt this morning and had a feeling of, "here we go again!"  But I'm going into this cycle being optimistic, at least at this point.  I am temping (which I know can be effected by meds, but I'm still doing it) and OPKs - I will be all over O this cycle!  So I talked to Dr. C (where is Dr. R?!) and she threw out a bunch of different options, which caught me off guard since I thought we discussed this last week.  The plan is to increase the Letrozole (I have 2.5mg pills, I took 1 today, I'll take 2 tomorrow, 3 Wed and 4 on Thurs) and then they want me in on Friday to see how I'm responding.  When I asked about the trigger shot, she said yes for sure, but the issue is getting me to the point of triggering, since last cycle my b/w was so up and down.  So if there's not a good response by Friday, she mentioned adding injects to this cycle.  Oh goody, more needles.  This seemed a little aggressive when she first said it, but I appreciate her wanting to stay on top of all of this and adjusting as we go if necessary.  She seemed almost as set as I am about not missing O and doing everything we can to increase my chances.  I am all for that.  Especially since the price tag on this cycle is already climbing, plus every cycle (and I have only done one with the RE) is physically and emotionally taxing.  I want to feel like it's all worth it for a really good chance this cycle.  Last shot at being KU by Christmas!  I was worried I had to decide right then and there, pre-coffee (I know, that's just crazy!) so I'm glad I can do the Letrozole until Friday and give me a chance to think it all through.  (Any friends/stalkers have any info to share about injects - like telling me it's not that bad, I would love to hear from you, here or on FB or wherever you like to stalk :P)

The second thing she threw out was sperm wash and IUI.  This would be about the time that my head started spinning a little.  I know that's an option, I just thought it was a cycle or two further down the road.  I want to talk to H about it, since this is quite a jump for him, he had trouble wrapping his head around adding injects - he's like, "I thought we were doing the meds for a few cycles first??"  I obviously want to make sure he and I are on the same page about moving forward.  I feel like it's jumping down the line, like we should do 3 cycles of meds because...that's "normal"?  That's obviously stupid, why waste 3 cycles, and put my body, mind and soul, through it all if we don't have a great shot?  I want to maximize every opportunity, since they come about so infrequently.  Obviously we will see where we're at on Friday, hopefully I've responded well and we can trigger and that's it, but if they suggest injects, I think I'm prepared to go that route.  And if they say IUI is our best shot, way better than the inject option, I think it would be hard to refuse.  When you start spending hundreds of dollars on a cycle, you really want to make the most of it, throw everything you have into it.  But is that jumping the gun?  My previous blog title of "shades of grey" just keeps running through my head.  There are no simple questions or answers, nothing is cut and dry, it's all confusing and complicated.  And even when you think you know, something can change midway through and you need to decide what to do with the new info.  Someone just tell me the right answer, k?

Update, in gifs

Finally CD1!  But...

And for later...

Where are you???

AF, that is.  CD40/15DPO, mind officially fucked with.  I have still just been having on and off spotting, but that's it.  So with no AF this morning, I got up and tested - BFN.  The RE wanted me in today if I hadn't got AF yet, so I went for b/w this morning.  The nurse who always does it was a little rushed and it ended up hurting way more than it usually does.  Off to a good start!  They said I could call at lunch for the results.  I have been resolved to this cycle being a wash for weeks now, but this is dragging out and making me nuts.  15DPO - that's a first!  And although I was mentally prepared for moving on to the next cycle, this tiny voice kept saying, "maybe, just maybe".  People spot during first trimester, right?  Man, I'm an idiot.  Anyways, I just called to get my results and the receptionist put me on hold.  My hands literally started shaking and that stupid little voice just whispered, "Maybe".  That didn't last long, the nurse got on the phone, said sorry but it was a negative today, come in on CD3.  I get it, I'm not pregnant.  Pee test and blood test have confirmed that.  Ok, so let's just freakin' move on already!!!  AF, just show the fuck up already, you're killing me here!

The cycle that will not end...

CD39/14DPO, according to my second O date.  I thought I was 11DPO when they told me I hadn't actually O'd, so just as I thought the 2ww was wrapping up, it was actually starting all over again.  Awesome.  This is also the second longest cycle I've ever had.  So.Much.Waiting.  I spent the second 2ww being fuming mad at my clinic for mis-confirming O, then super sad about a wasted cycle, and then I got myself focused on the cycle ahead.  I started spotting yesterday and totally expected it to turn into CD1.  Nope.  Woke up early this morning, totally expecting AF - nope.  By mid morning, I was confused.  I know your LP can vary by a day or so and it's really no big deal.  But it's only been recently that I've even started getting to 12-13DPO at all.  My LP used to be more like 10-11 days.  After talking to a few friends, and even though I was spotting this morning, I took a test.  BFN - obviously.  Why did I, even for a moment, think there might actually be a second line there?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  It's now mid afternoon, no AF, just an annoyed me.  Honestly, I haven't wished for AF in 17 months, but mentally, I'm over this cycle and have started to think positively about the next cycle and moving forward, which we can do as soon as AF arrives...any time now.

Faking it

We had a get together on Sunday with my ILs to celebrate my MIL's birthday.  On the Saturday, SIL and I were texting about what to get MIL as a gift, we often go in on things together.  Anyways, after we came up with that plan she texts me, "We know what we're having" (if you're a dedicated stalker, you may remember my SIL is currently pregnant with #2).  They're having another boy!  I congratulated her and texted many exclamation points, but the ache in my heart was so present.  I feel like shit for not being more fully excited.  I am excited, I really am - another nephew is awesome!  I just honestly don't feel as excited as I did with her first, and that makes me feel horrible.  I LOVE being an aunt, I am just having a hard time balancing that against my overwhelming desire and need to be a mom.  IF brain sucks.

Anyways, we had a nice time out for Chinese food dinner, as is tradition.  Then we went back to H's aunt's place for cake and presents.  I was having a pretty down weekend with my parents' stuff and waiting on this cycle to end, so I had to try really hard to pretend everything was fine.  The longer the visit, the harder it got.  I'm sitting there in a room with his whole family, everyone is happy and smiling and loving life.  And I can't stop thinking about my parents' separation.  I look at my ILs and so wish that was still my parents, happy and in love.  My FIL was planning all of these awesome birthday surprises for MIL.  It was just really hard.  Then there's my 3 year old nephew running around, my SIL pregnant with #2 and it's like, everywhere I look, I want what I can't have.  I want my parents to be together and happy.  I want to be pregnant (well actually I want my baby, 17 months later I didn't expect to still be wishing to see two pink lines).  I want to be at a point by Christmas that I could tell close family and friends about the most exciting news of my life (second only to marrying the love of my life).  I want my life to head down the path I always imagined it would.  I want to be happy, genuinely happy, not just happy for now but with a huge hole in my heart.

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and commented here, I so appreciate the kind words and support.  I still haven't told anyone IRL about all of this, I can't seem to find the right words yet.  But I'm thinking about it.  It has meant so much to me to not feel all alone, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

                    

Lost

I am so sick of it all right now and how unbelievably out of control everything feels.  I hide it well from most people, because no one knows about all this stuff with my parents or about IF.  I feel like I'm keeping these huge secrets from my closest friends and it feels shitty.  Yet I still can't seem to find the words to tell them what's going on in my life these days.  It's like a little part of me wants some area of my life not to change so much, I just want to be able to pretend that everything's ok for a little while.

My dad is moving out this morning and my mother is not ok.  She is a complete and utter mess, understandable since her marriage of 40 years is at stake in all of this, the man she loves is moving out and she is terrified of being alone, it's always been an issue for her.  I really believe this will be for the best in the end, I think they could both use some space right now to clear their heads and get some perspective.  He is only going to a temporary place, this is kind of a trial separation to give them both a chance to see what they both want.  I had coffee with my dad this week and it kills me to see this man that I love and respect so much, but whom I have watched struggle with so much shit that life has handed to him, it breaks my heart to see him hurting.  We talked at length about how important it is for him to find someone to talk to, he needs to stop burying his feelings and learn to own them.  I have never heard him utter one angry word about his situation, which has always surprised me.  He has every right to be angry - angry about the colitis, then the improperly monitored prednisone that caused huge side effects, all of his hip surgeries, cancer, now all of this pancreatits shit and yet another surgery - he has every right to be angry, to get pissed off and say, "this fucking sucks" because you know what, it does!  He said he didn't see much of a point to that and I responded that although saying that might not change things, it sure as hell can feel good to let it out.  It's certainly not doing him well to keep it all bottled up inside.  I talked about how much strength, courage, support and inspiration I have received from the amazing women I have met online also dealing with IF.  I have no idea what I would do without you all.  I told him sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, not someone you'll see tomorrow who will give you the sad puppy dog eyes and say, "so, how you doing?" in that knowing way.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside of your every day life.  I think I got through to him so I am hoping he will find a therapist soon.

I am struggling with my mom.  I am having a hard time figuring out what my role in all of this is, and should be.  My mom is one of my best friends, we are so close, and so very similar.  I reached out to my mom's friend, who I am very close to also, because I had no idea where else to turn.  She kept saying I need to stay out of this, I shouldn't be in the middle, these are my parents.  She needs to lean on her friends right now, not her daughter.  And I so hear what she's saying, I don't want to be in the middle, I love them both and want the best for both of them, together or separately.  But I don't know how to pull back and tell my mom I need to remove myself a little from this situation.  I don't want to her feel like she's alone or that I'm not here for her, and to support her, but I can't be her friend through this right now.  I know what it can be like to be going through something huge, and horrible and life altering and feel like you're all alone in it, and I don't want that for her.  But I'm worried she's going to feel like that and I don't know how to manage that, I don't want to let her down.

Everything is such a mess and I can't fix any of it.  I've seen this a few times and I so need to believe it right now: