Twice in one week??

We got good news twice in one week, what?!?!  That doesn't happen very often for us, I'm in a little bit of disbelief right now.  The nurse called from my clinic - thank you for calling me as soon as you got my report! - and gave us good news!  WE HAVE A FROSTIE!!!!!!!  ::cue ridiculous grin and happy dance::

Holy shit, I just can't believe it.  I am so freaking happy right now, it is truly an amazing feeling, especially since it is so rare with our IF journey.  We have a frostie, SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted, I was so worried about not having a plan b (I've been doing this long enough that I always want a plan b in the wings, ready to go) but now, we have that option.  We could do a FET if we needed to.  I pray with every fibre of my being that we don't need to use it any time soon, but the relief of knowing we can is so good for my mental well being.  It feels like a tiny ounce of pressure has been lifted off this cycle, not having all our eggs (or embryos!) in one basket.  And I know no one knows what is happening with the two we transferred, but this gives me so much hope for them.  We transferred our best two, so if #3 made it to day 6 and good enough to freeze, I can't help but feel extra hopeful about the quality of the ones we did transfer.  I feel like I can breathe a little easier, and it sure is helping me to stay in a good head space.  I know I just started in the 2ww, and I will not doubt ride the IF emotional roller coaster along the way, but for the first time in a long time, I am happy, and hopeful, excited and optimistic.

Random funny story: before bed last night, I told H to keep his fingers crossed for our embie #3 and hope we get good news today.  He says, "I'm crossing my fingers so hard for good news for our blastobaby".  Just one of many reasons I love this man!  Blastobaby, haha, I love it!

To have a frostie, or not to have a frostie, that is the question

I have been anxious since I woke up, waiting for 10am so I could call the clinic to see how embryo #3 is doing and find out if we will get to freeze.  At 10am they said they didn't know yet, try back again after noon.  Fine, I suppose I can distract myself for another 2 hours.  I call at noon, they still don't know.  WTF guys, seriously?!  I was told we would know Tues, and reports are usual at the clinic by 11am.  Do you have any idea how difficult every minute can be when you are waiting on this news??  Clearly not.  I called again at 2pm and was told that my nurse finally spoke to a lab person, they were in a meeting apparently (Grrrrrrr!) but they'll fax my info over right away.  I asked the nurse to call me as soon as she got it, this waiting is killing me!  So I just got the call and my heart stopped - please let it be good news!  The nurse says, "No news is good news" and I think what the hell, did you not get a report from the lab?  Apparently there isn't much of an update today, they are going to let embie #3 keep marinating until tomorrow, at which point we should know if it's survived and we can freeze.  Two opposing emotions:  Hooray!!!!!!!  This is a victory, we still have a third embryo, we still have the possibility to freeze, it's still growing!!!  and WTF people, I have to do this for another 24 hrs?!?  Do you guys not realize this waiting is so very difficult?  And if there wasn't much news, why on earth did you make me wait all day, staring at the clock??  Not cool.  But anyways, I am choosing to focus less on my annoyance and all on my third embaby, who is hopefully still working on dividing into the right number of cells and growing strong.  We still have a chance here.

I did a little googling to see what our embabies are, or should be, up to:

I also found this nifty chart - I do so love my lists and charts!  It's interesting to see how things should be progressing.

I can't understand how this chart says at 11dp3dt you should be able to detect pregnant, but my clinic has my beta set for June 16, which is 16dp3dt!!  I have P4 b/w on Thurs, I'm going to ask about those dates.  Everyone I talk to says it is usually 2 weeks after ER, not ET.  Do not make me wait any longer than I have to, please!  So today, I am praying for my 3rd embaby still at the lab, and praying that the two currently living in my ute are working on becoming blastocysts.  Come on embabies, grow/stick!!!

You ladies weren't joking, I think this will be the longest two weeks of my life.  

PUPO!!

What a stressful few days that was.  I was shocked when we got our fert report on Friday, and my mind started racing and going to all the worst places, mostly being concerned with my eggs.  I couldn't understand how we got so few eggs, and so few that fertilized, especially using ICSI.  We let ourselves be sad and disappointed and angry on Friday, then we got up on Saturday and tried to get into a better head space.  I think we were both staying guarded, we were so worried there was more bad news in store for us, it just kind of feels like par for the course these days.  I tried to keep busy on Sat, my mom and I went for pedicures and then out for lunch.  We watched a movie and just hung out for most of the afternoon - it helped to try and stay distracted, although it was never long before my mind went right back to the what if's for transfer day.

On Sunday morning we gave ourselves lots of time to get downtown to the clinic.  Of course the highway was closed for a bike marathon, cause why wouldn't it be on the one important day I need to get downtown?  But we made it with plenty of time, which was good since the building appeared to be locked, cue moment of WTF??  Another lady came and buzzed in, so we followed her in.  Crisis averted!  We then headed upstairs to check in and stuff and then I guzzled back some Powerade - have I mentioned how much I detest the appts where you need a full bladder??  That's just not fun for anyone, namely me.  Our doctor was about 15mins late, no biggie, it's not like we were there on pins and needles, eager for an update, hungry for some information - you just take your time.  (She was not in my good books at this point).  She finally arrived and we were ready to go!

They took me into another procedure room and got me up on the table.  H came in and sat next to me, then Dr. C finally, after what felt like an eternity, gave us some info.  We have three, beautiful 8-cell embryos, one grade 1, two grade 2's.  Huge sigh of relief!  H said you could literally see my face change from sheer panic and nerves to elation.  Did she really just say that??  That was literally, at that point, the best possible news we could have received.  She also explained that during ER, a lot of my bigger follies were actually empty and contained no eggs, then we got a handful of immature ones, a post mature one and a few good ones.  She said it was quite a mixed bag and was actually indicative of PCOS - no one has ever mentioned this to me before, and when I google, I don't think I have many of the typical symptoms, but interesting to hear some more info at least.  We also learned that while they got 7 eggs, they only fertilized 3 because the other 4 were immature.  So of 3 fertilized, all 3 had made it to day 3, 8 cell embies, which makes me feel much better than only having 3 of 7 work.  It kind of made me think that maybe not all my eggs are good, but that when they find the good ones, we can actually make good embryos, or at least that's how I'm interpreting it right now.

We decided to transfer the best two and let #3 continue to develop into blasocyst at which point, if all looks good, we'll freeze - I'll find out tomorrow about this (fingers crossed!).  Then it was go time!  We watched the tv screen from the lab.  They showed my name - yup, definitely my embies, and zoomed right in so we could see them while the doctor remarked how beautiful they looked.  Then we saw them get sucked up the catheter, at which point I laughed and was told not to do that, haha, and the embryologist passed the catheter through the window in the wall to Dr. C.  We got to watch the u/s machine while they put my embies in.  It was honestly a pretty amazing moment.

That's them, those are my embabies!!  I am so incredibly grateful for them and grateful for this opportunity.  I pray that this is the first of many incredibly ultrasounds, I pray that at least one sticks around for the long haul.  And now, the dreaded 2ww....this should be fun ;)

Fert report is in

And it is not what we were hoping for.  I was so anxious about that call today, I have been praying non stop that those 7 eggs would be mature and fertilize well.  I don't know that I've ever prayed so hard for anything before.  I called the clinic around 10:30am and talked to one of the nurses.  As per almost every phone call we have with results, she starts with, "Well, it's not as good as we were hoping for.  We have 3 mature embryos that fertilized and are doing well today."  I'm sorry, did she just say THREE??  11 mature + 3 maybe follies, 7 eggs, we used ICSI, and only 3 are left today?!  Wow, this was totally not what we were expecting or hoping for.  I called H afterwards and he is beyond disappointed, upset and angry.  It all just feels so unfair.  When will we catch a break?  It seems our news is always "not as good as we were hoping".  I really, sincerely believed, as did our doctors, that I would be a great IVF patient and we'd get plenty of eggs and embies.

I had a serious cry fest while chatting with a couple of amazing friends who tried to help me deal with the news.  Thank you for that, ladies <3   I've been texting with H on and off all day, I know he's really disappointed, I think yesterday was hard for him.  He has a hard time watching me go through all this, we just really wanted it to be more than worth it, ya know?  We really wanted that Plan B, that we would have frosties for a FET if we got there, or for a second child.  This isn't to say we're giving up on this cycle, I am still praying with all I have for my 3 embabies, praying that they make it to Sunday's transfer, praying that at least one will result in our baby.  But we need to go through the emotions, we need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling right now - today, we're allowed to be sad and mad and disappointed.  And by Sunday, we will get our game face back on and try to pour as much love and positivity into this cycle as we can.  I want to give my embabies the very best shot I can, they deserve that.  And I know that it's so important to be in a good head space.  But I also know I need to allow myself to feel the range of emotions that comes along with this journey.  Stifling them or pretending they're not there is not going to do me, H or our embabies any good. So for today I am sad, and I can't wait until the work day is over and H gets home.  I can't wait for him to come home and wrap his arms around me.  Everything feels a little better, a little easier to deal with when he's here.

Dear embabies.

If you only knew how very loved you already are, the dreams and the hopes that I have for you.  Please keep growing strong, please make it to our reunion on Sunday.  I want to have you back with me, I want to be your mom.  I promise to do everything in my power to protect you, to help you grow big and strong in the hopes that one day we'll get to meet face to face.  I have never wanted anything more in my life, nor have I ever loved someone so much, especially someone I have yet to meet.  I pray with all that I am, with all that I have, that you and I will get that chance.  I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, watch you grow and to love you for a lifetime.

Love,

Your very hopeful mom-to-be

ER

So yesterday was ER day.  We got up and headed downtown, through horrible traffic, stressing about making it on time.  But we did.  We got a little cubicle room/locker area to wait.  They took H away to do his part while I signed a few more forms.  Then the nurse started my IV, I requested Zofran because the only other times I've been out, I woke up feeling mighty nauseated, plus I've been feeling queasy all through stims, I figured it couldn't hurt.  Then H and I hung out waiting, trying to practice some deep breathing to stay calm and fight off my anxiety.  When it was time, the nurse took me in alone to the procedure room and got me settled on the table, looking all classy gracious with my legs up in rather high stirrups feeling completely exposed.  Directly opposite me and my wide open access vag, is a door in the wall for the lab.  Hey, it's not like enough people haven't had a hand up my stuff in this whole process, why feel modest now?  I joked to the nurse, "Well, isn't this romantic?!  Just how I always imagined it would be!"  She covered me up with a sheet and brought H in to sit by my head.  He was all decked out in his scrubs.  If I had ever had a doctor fantasy before, consider me over it now.  Dr. C came in and said hi and stuff, then they started the meds and I got sleepy.  I do remember feeling something uncomfortable at one point and the nurse saying she'd give me more meds, that's about all I remember until I woke up back in my cubicle sitting next to H.  I remember Dr. C coming by and saying they got 7 eggs.  I then remember tears streaming down my face and saying, "Only 7??"

H filled me on in what happened.  I learned that:
a) we are perfect for each other, since H walked into the procedure room and also said, "Well isn't this romantic!"  I love him so.
b) even when under conscious sedation, I like to be helpful.  Dr. C said something about needing to push down on my abdomen, I'm guessing to find lefty, who notoriously like to hide.  Apparently I was quick to volunteer to help, only to be told that someone else could manage that ;)
c) apparently I still have a sense of humor.  H and a nurse helped me stumble back toward our cubicle.  Apparently she was going to pass it and I said, "No, we're in number 1" followed by my exclamation, "I'm number 1!"  Evidently I was kind of funny.
d) I am repetitive.  Poor H had to sit through groundhog day, as I kept coming to asking, "How did I get back here?" then I would nod off only to wake again and say, "How did I get here?"

I had one moment as we arrived home and I got out of the car that I thought I would be sick, but alas, I did not, hooray!  I went straight to bed for a few hours, then hung out on the couch with H all day.  He is truly amazing, I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in all this.  He had got me flowers and stocked up on all sorts of things, he waited on me hand and foot.  Then later in the afternoon the doorbell rang and to my pleasant surprise, my MIL had sent an edible arrangements basket of fruit.  She really is so sweet, and the fruit is delicious!  I spent all day and night on the couch vegging out, I was pretty out of it and pretty sore.  It was much better if I was lying horizontal, so that's pretty much how I stayed.  Then we just got to praying for a great fert report.

Holy shit, it's go time!

I went in for monitoring again this morning.  I was feeling pretty up beat and had some good laughs with my nurses - they are so awesome.  I got vag cam'd first, then sent for b/w, so by the time I got to the exam room, Dr. C was already there with my chart.  She said everything looks awesome and we're ready!!  She read me my follie count, but of course I knew I wouldn't remember and all I could think was, "Damnit, I wanted to ninja my chart before she came in!"  She told me I am triggering tonight, ER on Thurs!  We talked about how that would go, and I asked if Dr. R was around.  She tells me he's on vacation for 3 weeks!  Um, he told H & I that he would be the one to do our ER, so I'm slightly annoyed that's not the case, but I can't stress about it.  She actually said she does most of their IVF procedures, so I guess maybe it's better to have someone well practiced??  That's what I'm going with anyways.  So we talked about Thurs a little and then she said my favourite nurse would be in to go over details with me.  As she was walking out, I asked to see my chart and I totally pulled out my phone and said I wanted to take a picture because I would never remember it all.  She got a kick out of my ninja styles, as did the other nurse who came over midway through!  But I wanted to know my exact numbers, so they can chuckle at me if they want, I need my chart stalk!  For my efforts:

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.  She counted 11 mature and another 3 that might be ready by ER.  I got a list of instructions and when to take which drugs and then when to not, then when to restart - it was a little much, but I think I got it.  Or I'll call to clarify later, whatever ;)  I printed out a calendar and started adding everything to it so I can keep it straight.  And yes, it's colour coded :)

The plan is to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.  I've always used Ovidrel but today I will be triggering with HCG.  The nurse showed me how to mix them, first time for that.  But thankfully I have blog stalked and Dreamed with enough awesome ladies that I knew the mixing needle was NOT the stabbing needle, whew!  We went over it a couple times and I think I'm good with it.  Then tomorrow I start some antibiotics so as not to have any issues from the ER.  I am also going to be taking Dostinex again, which I took after IUI#3 and 4, it should help ward off OHSS, plus all the Powerade I'm supposed to drink, so hopefully that won't be an issue.  Then ER is Thurs at 9:30am, we need to be there for 8:30am with a novel sized stack of consent forms.  I'm a little nervous because we have to go to their downtown location, which I've never been to, and right between me and it, there is a shit load of construction on the roads.  Awesome.  So we'll leave nice and early with plenty of time.  Then we'll be doing ICSI and a 3dt, I can call on Friday to get my fert report, then ET will be Sunday morning.  I am super happy I will only need 1 day off work, and really happy we can battle Sun traffic and not Mon traffic to get there then.  Beta day is set for June 16, which is the Monday after Father's Day.  I am not saying anymore than that, because none of the other signs in the last 2 years have meant jack shit and I'm not taking any chances by jinxing it.

So here we are, already at trigger time!!  I'm anxiously excited.  I am glad I kept my therapy appt for tonight, I could use another session to talk about ways to help me chill out!  Ahhhhh, I can't believe we're really here!  In less than a week I will be PUPO, and hopefully we'll be able to drop the UPO part ;)

Moving right along!

Today is CD10 in our IVF cycle.  I will be honest, the last week has been rough, the nausea has been unforgiving and I may have been sick a few times over the weekend, blech!  But hopefully it will all be worth it, right??  We dropped my stims to 75 yesterday, keeping the Lupron at 10.  I had monitoring this morning.  I had to go in earlier today, as I had to start work early, and boy was it busy!  Usually by the time I go, later morning, I almost have the place to myself, maybe another person, maybe two, but today there were lots of couples, and a couple kids/strollers, which I'm not used to since they're never there during my usual time slot.  But it did give me plenty of time to ninja my chart :)

Those follies are coming along nicely, my doctor was super happy with my progress thus far, and commented again about what a quick responder I am!  I did another 75 of Puregon/10 Lupron this morning and they want to see me back tomorrow.  Guessing ER will be Thurs, maybe Fri.  I can't believe it's all happening so fast, but I'm also glad to be moving along since I have been feeling like crap while stimming this cycle.  Knock on wood, this morning I'm feeling a little less queasy and I'm praying that trend continues.  

Even though I was having a it of a tough time with the nausea, what an amazing weekend!  We had beautiful, long awaited weather, and my dreamers came to visit!!!  We squeezed a lot into our two days (Jays game, aquarium, zoo, driving tour, Abby walk) but we had a great time, or at least I did!!  It was so good to finally meet in person.  And since I know you'll eventually stalk this, thank you so much for coming to visit ladies, I had such a fantastic weekend with you both!!!  Love you!  <3