In and Out

On Friday L&E were 33 weeks and 4 days, exactly how long I was pregnant. They've officially been outside as long as they were inside!  This feels like a milestone, though I'm not sure it technically is one!  But I like silly pics so we commemorated the day. I can't believe how big they are, how much they've grown!

Milestones!

Big weekend in our household. My little monkey cut his first tooth!  I hope that explains some of the fussiness and it eases up now!  Please??  :)

And my beautiful little girl slept through the night!  It's a miracle!  My little monkey didn't, nor did I, lol, but she did!  Now the twin dilemma - one up both up vs let her sleep and see if this could become more than a one time fluke. Decisions, decisions!  

{Insert clever title here}

My monkeys are 7 months old. They are doing amazing. They are pros at rolling over, they're starting to wiggle more - don't turn your back on E or she'll be under a coffee table or half way across the room before you know it!  They're loving solids - oatmeal and sweet potato are big hits but pears are a current fave. They're babbling and cooing and shrieking and laughing. They're looking at each other and reaching out, and flailing arms and legs too!  They're putting on weight like little champs.  We are mostly into 6 month clothes but some 3 and 3-6 stuff still fits, but not sleepers, these two are long!  

And the other side of the amazing coin - I'm exhausted. Like insanely tired. I haven't had a good, uninterrupted night sleep in months, lots of months.  The monkeys really are going through phases with sleep. We were doing really well - bedtimes started finally getting easier, they'd wake once at 2-3am then up around 630-7am. It felt like progress!  Then we fell back into difficult bedtimes and up twice a night, if not more. It feels like a huge defeat. Like two steps forward, three steps back. I believe we'll get on the upswing again but holy crap I'm tired. I miss sleep. Like so much. Le sigh. 

The other big struggle I'm having right now is that E basically refuses to nurse. It started with biting me, intertwined with some nursing. But holy hell it hurt, my poor nips!  I tried to persevere. I really wanted to continue our few nursing sessions a day. Now, I put her on the nursing pillow and she just starts crying and screaming. I hate it. I hate that she's seemingly decided she's done. I wasn't. I liked those times together. I wasn't ready to be done. It made sitting hooked up to a pump for 3hrs a day more worthwhile, or tolerable.  I feel rejected. And sad. Sad that I have two babies and no one will nurse. It's actually hitting me harder than I realized. And I don't know if it's crazy but it's coming at a time where a lot of stuff is coming back up for me about my labour and delivery experience and our NICU time. 

I have two babies and I don't even know what a real contraction feels like. Never had my waters break. Never went into labour. I never got to feel the excitement of, "It's time!"  I had a week of terror and panic, worry and concern. Being poked with more needles and hooked up to more machines than I ever imagined. When it was go time I was terrified. Terrified that it was too soon, that they weren't ready. When they did arrive I got a peck on the cheek and they were gone. I waited 12hrs to hold my babies. I didn't get that initial skin to skin or breastfeeding, I didn't get that happy family moment of us all together, taking in this amazing thing that just happened. I prayed for my babies as they whisked them away. Then I spent a few more days battling to get my health problems under control. I struggled with needing to see doctors and have tests with the overwhelming desire to be in the NICU with my babies every minute. Which is what I wanted and tried to do for the next 25 days. I can honestly say I feel traumatized from this whole experience. I feel overwhelming gratitude for my two sweet babies. I am more in love than I ever dreamed possible. But lately I've had a flood of emotions coming back, usually when I lay in bed and try to fall asleep. I guess I'm just having a tough week and am feeling very emotional. I hate pumping. I hate it. I'm not sure if I hate it enough to stop yet but I hate it. And I hate that I've lost that time and closeness with E. It makes me really sad to think that chapter is over. 

But I am happy and grateful for my monkeys who I love more than anything else. 7 months old and thriving and doing amazing. They are everything <3

Happy half birthday to my munchkins!

I made it 6 whole months!  For 6 months I have kept these two monkeys alive and well and thriving. Point me. 

Seriously though, I don't even know how to put into words what this experience has been like. It's all encompassing, overwhelming, incredibly amazing, full of love and laughter, exhausting and trying, humbling and awe inspiring. I made these two perfect little people. I did this. With H and a whole lot of help, but I did this. I have never been prouder of anything. I am more in love not only with my children but also with my husband. My heart is so full I could burst. I feel so lucky and so grateful. I give thanks every day, many times a day, for these two miracles. It literally brings tears to my eyes on a regular basis. I blame hormones, obviously. ;)

L&E are amazing. L is all about rolling over. He won't stay on his back for more than a few minutes before he's flipped over, doing his on land swimming thing. It's adorable. He's going to be on the move in no time, I'm sure of it. He's found his voice this week. He's been laughing for months but he's just started to play some vocal acrobatics. Squealing with delight!  He's hilarious and almost always has a smile. Melts my heart every time. E is a Chatty Cathy. She is constantly talking, telling me stories, we actually go back and forth a little. She's found her laugh and I love it!  She's so much more smiley. Thank goodness for the end of the colic phase. God that was hard. They're both getting good at assisted sitting and E loves to stand. We went swimming for the first time this week and they did super well!  I'm a big swimmer so I'm glad we're off to a good start!  And they looked freaking adorable!  We have our 6 month appt tomorrow, I can't wait to get a weight check!  

All in all, this is the best and hardest job ever but I'm beyond grateful to be able to do it. And I do have to say I'm also super proud of myself for making it 6 months BFing and pumping. L doesn't nurse, which makes me sad at times and E will, but only when she wants to. She knows what she wants and when. That's my girl!  Lol. But I honestly hate pumping. I seriously loathe it. But I'm proud that I hung in this long. I respect and support all methods of feeding the little ones, I use them all!  This was just a personal goal that I'm so stoked to have met. I hope to continue until end of summer and then I'll reevaluate. But for now, I'm allowing myself a moment to feel good about making it this far :)

Pics

No idea how the format is going to work cause I've never done this from my phone but here are a couple pics of the munchkins, and my first Mother's Day :)

Apparently I have a blog

Not that I've had time to update since...not sure and I doubt I have time to check. This is likely to be brief but I'll try to squish as much into a short post as possible.

Being a mom is hard. Like no joke, really hard. Having twins is insanity. I'm more exhausted than I ever dreamed possible. If you asked me right now what I want more than anything is say sleep - uninterrupted sleep. No babies to tend to no pumping to do, just sleep. God that sounds like a dream. I am in a state of pure exhaustion right now so I'm not promising to make much sense here. I live in a state of delirium. I'm constantly on repetition - feed babies, change diapers, pump, sterilize, make bottles - those last few things all while trying to keep two babies happy/sleeping/not crying. I am blessed to have an amazing mom and MIL who are here so much of the time to help me. I honestly don't know how I'd manage without their help. But it means there are always people here, in my space. It's also a reason I haven't had a chance to update much. My blog is private and I don't share it IRL so it's been tough to find a moment to myself, with quiet babies, where I'm not running around or attempting some sleep.

L&E are 4 months old and I can't believe it.  I honestly do not know where the time has gone. My constant state of exhaustion helps to blur the notion of day and time, lol. They are amazing. They are growing and changing so much. They're so much more inquisitive. E really looks at and analyzes her toys, L is the most smiley baby I've ever seen and his laugh just melts my heart. I can't believe how in love I am. I can't believe my heart hasn't exploded with the love I have for them. I knew I'd love them, but this kind of love is more incredible and all consuming than I could have imagined. There are now two pieces of my heart on the outside, that I can hold and hug and kiss and tickle. They are the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. I am in awe and humbled that we made these two perfect little people.

That being said, I won't pretend this is easy or that it's some fairy tale. It's hard. The hardest and most relentless job ever. It's unending. There are no breaks, no time to clock out. It's all about them, all the time. And they have been challenging. My daughter is a spitfire - I called that when I was like 6 months pregnant. She challenges me pretty much every day. She has been a very fussy baby. She screams louder than I imagined possible!  She wants to be held almost all the time. She did not get the memo she's a twin. Clearly. She is just now starting to go for longer periods of time on her play at looking at her toys. But that's hit or miss, depending on her mood. L has always been so chill and laid back. Until the last two weeks where now he wants to be held all the time. He's not content just sitting or laying somewhere. It's a struggle to give them both everything they need all the time. I keep checking but I still only have the two arms. It's heartbreaking to have them both crying and upset and feeling helpless to make it better for both at the same time. And I hate having to choose who to comfort first.

I've had some real ups and downs. I've been challenged like never before. I've sobbed on the nursery floor begging them to stop crying. I've pleaded with them to stop screaming. I wish I had all the answers all the time but I don't. I'm learning to feed them both at once. I'm a better multitasker than you can imagine!  Some days, like today, I'm overwhelmed by all of this. How much I love them, how hard this is, how freaking exhausted I am with no prospect of 'catching up on sleep' anytime soon.

Being a mom is hard. Really hard. Beyond the most rewarding thing I've ever done - the way they smile at me or laugh, the sweet moments of pure love - it's incredible. But this shit is hard. Doubly hard. No, it's even more than that. God I miss sleep.

And that's all I've got time for. If anyone even still reads this sorry I'm the worst blogger ever. I hope to get back here more but that's up to the kids!  I don't know if I can post pics from my phone but I'll try to share a few recent ones. Not to brag but damn, we made some cute babies :)

Twin life is crazy

I have tried to write a post for a while now, but I either couldn't find the words or the time.  At some point I know I still need to unpack everything that brought me to this point.  I don't mean to over state, but I feel rather traumatized, quite frankly, when I start to think back to my hospital stay and health scares, the unexpected and terrifying arrival of the babies, being a NICU mom - it is all so much that I really haven't had a chance to process it all yet.  I'm worried that if I start down that road, the flood gates will just open and I may not be able to close them all that easily.  And honestly, I don't have that much time to myself these days.  But that will come later, for now, an update!

We have all been home together for 2 weeks and 3 days.  I can't believe that's it when I write it out, because it feels like much longer!  It has been one hell of an adjustment, that's for sure.  I have never experienced so many different emotions all at once.  I love being a mom.  I love L&E more than I can possibly comprehend or explain.  I am so deeply in love with these two little miracles.  I still can't believe we made them, they are ours and we are theirs.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world, my heart is so full of love it brings me to tears to even type that.  Two years we prayed for these babies, and now they're really here.  Sometimes I wake up (from the brief moments of sleep I get!) and I still can't quite believe it, I have to come downstairs and see them for myself, hold them and kiss them and tell them I love them.  Then it feels real.  Being a mom is what I have wanted more than anything, I feel privileged and honoured to be L&E's mom.  I just hope I can be everything they need and more, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be - they deserve that.

But it's not all sunshine and lollipops.  It's hard.  It's really, freaking hard.  We are on a 3hr schedule that looks something like this:

• Bath, if it's bath day, i.e. they smell
• Feed babies - BF one, bottle the other (H or one of our mom's does this), we bottle them both overnight though.  Feeding takes a long time, they're really still working on getting better and fast at this.
• Diaper change
• Settle them down (ha, this one is always fun!  They often alternate who's awake and fussing)
• Pump
• Wash pumping parts/bottles 
• Prepare bottles
• with my last hour, eat/laundry/clean/sit down/shower/sterilize bottles and pumping stuff/nap

And then it starts all over again.  It.Is.Exhausting.  I have had moments of feeling like I'm doing a job, like I worked so hard to get these babies and I don't even get enough time to enjoy them.  I'm constantly feeding them then having to put them down so that I can pump to make sure I have enough for bottles.  I feel like I have so little time to actually spend enjoying them, especially since I'm trying to divide my time in two.  I've started making more of an effort to enjoy some cuddle time after I BF, but even then, I'm watching the clock because I need to pump, but I also need to pump early enough that I have time to refill before the next feed.

Which brings to me another thing that's stressing me out.  My supply.  I've been just keeping up with them, but without much extra, meaning very little wiggle room.  I really, really want to be able to provide for them.  I know logically that supplementing isn't a big deal, but emotionally and mentally, I am really hung up on being able to provide enough breastmilk to sustain them.  I couldn't get pregnant on my own, I couldn't stay pregnant or have the labour and delivery I wanted, I didn't get to bring my babies home right away - so little of this has gone the way I wanted it to, I just really want to be able to do this.  But the only way to manage this is to BF and pump like crazy.  So there really isn't much getting around the crazy schedule.  I can't even sleep more than 3 hours (usually it's more like 2) because then I need to empty my boobs, one way or another.  Oh sleep, how I miss you.  Like SO much I miss you.  One day, one day I think we will be reunited and it will be a glorious day.

I realize this post is probably really scattered, that's what sleep deprivation, a long over due post, and two babies starting to fuss because, guess what, that 3hr cycle is about to start over again, gets you.  A random rambling from a sleep deprived new mom who is both insanely in love with her babies, and exhausted and overwhelmed at just how hard all of this is.  Duty calls!  I shall leave you with a more recent pic of what makes this all worth while :)