Update on H's Grandmother

It's been a tough week for our family, and it is still ongoing.  H & I went to visit Mia (H's grandma) on Thursday evening, my MIL was also there.  It was a long drive there in rush hour traffic, I think we were both looking forward to seeing her, but also a bit anxious as we weren't sure what to expect.  When we got there, she was in bed and looking a bit swollen and frail, but she was happy and in good spirits.  We all sat around reminiscing about the past, we told stories, we laughed - we shared some wonderful memories.  I think her memory is actually better than ours!  She remembered speeches that H gave in middle school, family trips, silly stories from H's childhood - it was truly awesome.  While we were there, H's cousin, who recently moved to Calgary for work, flew home and we got to be there when she walked into the room with her mom and brother.  It was such an amazing surprise!  Mia went from looking slightly confused as she registered what her eyes were seeing, then the tears came.  She kept saying she didn't think cousin would be able to come, and that "this is the best surprise of my life" - it was incredible to see her receive that gift, especially nearing the end.  We continued to visit with all of them for a while before heading home - the puppy can only wait so long for us.  It was tough to leave, not knowing for certain if that would be the last time or not, but we did well and I managed to keep it together until I got home.

It was such a bittersweet visit.  I completely understand Mia's decision, there is no hope for her quality of life to improve, and honestly, she was really happy when we saw her.  I think this decision brought her a real measure of peace, and you could see that in her.  I think if I could write the end to my own life script one day, it would be quite similar.  She has spent the last week, resolved and happy with her decision to end dialysis, surrounded by family and friends, remembering the best moments in her life, getting a chance to say good bye before moving on to a better place.  I am grateful that she gets to be happy at the end.

It's been 8 days since she stopped dialysis.  We were told typically people survive 7-10 days after they stop, so it seems like it could really be any time.  H went up north last night to help his dad with something and is probably at the hospital on his way home right now.  I really hope that he has a nice visit with her today.  My SIL was there yesterday and said Mia is getting noticeably weaker and more tired.  I don't know if I will get a chance to see her again, but if I don't, I really have the best possible last memory with her, one that I will cherish and remember fondly, yet sadly.  My last hope for her is that when the time comes and she's ready to leave this place, that she passes quietly and peacefully, feeling immensely loved, never forgotten.

I'd also like to thank those that left a comment, offering kind wishes and prayers, it has meant a lot to me, makes me feel a little less alone.

Update on TTC Stuff

Friday was my date with the dildo cam.  I recently read a hilarious blogpost from Chickin called, "I didn't pee myself today!" and laughed out loud through it all.  As I sat in the waiting room on Friday, staring at the clock, secretly willing them to call my name, I thought of this post.  Then I cursed Chickin because thinking about it made me laugh a little, which is just asking for trouble with a bladder that full!  When I finally got called in and the tech got started, she even commented, "My, you are full" - what can I say, I follow directions well!  So the tech got started, she was a nice European lady from Poland I believe.  She asked me if I knew I had a retroverted uterus - I said, "A what?"  I think that answered her question.  She said not to worry, it's actually fairly common, she just wanted to tell me, woman to woman, it might be worth it to try other positions during sex.  Her English was pretty good, but I didn't totally get it all until I got to the car and googled "Retroverted uterus" and then it all made sense.  Then I got the best news of the morning - I could go pee!  Which is bittersweet, because that's all I've wanted to do for the last hour and a half, but bummed because it at means we're moving on to the dildo cam, haha.  It was really no big deal, it was over fairly quickly.  There were a few points that were a little uncomfortable, but it really wasn't anything big.  Now I'm just annoyed I have to wait until after vacation to go see my doctor for a follow up.  But at least I got that out of the way.

I'm CD11 now.  My chart looks great, until I compare it to all the previous cycles and realize it doesn't look much different.  I have had phantom symptoms trying to mess with my head, and I've come down with a cold.  So I could easily explain away every symptom I have experienced this week, but there's always this little part of my that says, "But maybe this time it will mean something".  I usually only have an 11 day LP, so I will likely have my answer pretty soon.  Fingers crossed.

Vacation - One week and counting

I have a lot of mixed feelings about our upcoming vacation.  We leave in one week and I'm stressed!  Aren't I silly?  Who stresses themselves out about vacation - me, that's who.  I usually love doing the majority of planning, finding places to stay, activities, etc.  But this trip is really different for me and H has a lot of the experience/knowledge.  He grew up camping and hiking in the Rockies (and all sorts of other crazy places!) - I spent the summers at camp or the cottage.  His family trip - the arctic circle; mine - Disney world.  See how we come from totally different backgrounds on this point??  So I kind of need him to help with more of the planning, but that's not really his forte, plus there's a lot of family stuff going on, so I can't really harp on him.  I know that it's going to be great regardless, I'm just hoping that H remember that I'm a novice hiker/camper here.  He's talking about a 4 day hike - 2 days in, 2 days out.  While it looks spectacular, there's a voice in my head saying, "Are you flucking kidding me??  How am I going to manage that?!"  It ends up being 11km of tough hiking for 4 days straight.  I'm up for a challenge, but I would like to enjoy this vacation too!  But then I look at this, Berg Lake, and I wonder, is it possible?  Could I make it?

It sounds like things are improving at a good pace out west, I think Calgary and other places are going to take some time to rebuild, but north of there, which is mostly where we're headed, seems to be improving.  The highway may be slow, but it sounds like they're now reopened the Trans-Canada highway between Calgary and Banff.  So hopefully things will go smoothly for us.  The obviously worst part is the timing of our trip with the timing of H's grandmother.  I'll get into that in my next post.  At any rate, one week today we will be on a plane heading for Calgary!  Ready or not, here we come!

Grandparents

I do not have all that many awesome grandparents stories or memories, and that makes me sad.  My father lost his dad when he was 18, and my mom's mom passed when I was 6 weeks old.  I lost my Papa when I was 7, so I have some memories of him, but honestly, not all that many.  My Granny survived the longest, she passed when I was in 2nd year university, but we did not have a wonderful relationship - if I'm being honest, she scared me.  She was a lonely old woman who was never very warm and fuzzy, never baked us cookies or watched us after school.  My brother and I would give each other "the look" (Do we have to??) when our parents would tell us we were going for a visit.  While we didn't have a great relationship, I am eternally grateful to her - in the end, she helped fund my university education.  I will always be thankful for that, university was honestly 4 of the best years of my life - where I grew up, learned to think critically, made many lifelong friends, and met my husband.  So now, years later, I do look back fondly on her, but sad we never really had much of a relationship.

When I met H's family, I was amazed to meet his grandmother, Mia.  She was 76 and full of life and energy.  She was a riot!  I remember thinking, "this is what I've always wanted, this is what I missed out on".  She became another grandmother to me too, I just love this woman.  3 year ago, we almost lost her.  She could have been on an episode of House - the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her for quite some time, and during that time, she became incredibly ill, in the ICU and it did not look good.  They eventually discovered she had an autoimmune disorder, the reason it took so long to diagnose was because it usually shows up in 40 year old people, not an 80 year old woman.  She battled back and although her kidneys were not shot, she made a remarkable recovery.  She never did leave the hospital, as she requires dialysis 3 times a week, but she's been able to make it to family holiday dinners and, while being a much more frail woman, she was doing awesome.  A month ago things took a turn for the worse, she started getting some compression fractures in her spine, causing her an obscene amount of pain.  They did a rather experimental procedure, which is huge considering the risks of putting a woman in that shape under general, but they did it because it was her only option at pain relief.  We went to see her a week after the surgery and she seemed ok, all things considered.  We spoke to H's parents last night and she's taken a turn for the worse again.  She has basically decided to stop dialysis, which causes her such trouble (they need to change her line again but it's tough because her veins are paper thin and she has a lot of swelling).  So with that decision, which her doctors support, it's looking like this is coming to an end.

I fully respect her decision, her quality of life is awful at this point, they think she may have another compression fracture in her spine - I don't know many people who would want to live like that with no hope of improvement.  On the other hand, this is devastating for the family, my heart is breaking for my MIL who has been at her bedside nonstop and directing a lot of her care (she used to run the ER at the hospital, people there listen to her and she knows what's what).  This is the last grandparent between H & myself and selfishly, I don't want to lose her, but more than that, I want what's best for her.  I genuinely thought we would get a chance to introduce her to our first baby, which is taking much longer than expected, and at this point is just not an option.  3 months ago I didn't realize how bad things would get for her and how quickly.  We are going to see her tomorrow after work, and by the sounds of it, that might be the last time we get to see her alive.  I'm waiting on an update form H when he hears from his mom, I keep hoping I'll hear different news, but I think deep down, I know any update won't be good news.

I really needed to get this out, I want to be strong for H and for my MIL and family.  Since I can no longer see the screen through the tears, I'm just going to leave off here.

The Waiting Game

Waiting again - that sums up most of TTC.  I'm currently 5DPO and just waiting it out.  I like knowing we've done everything we can do this cycle, we had good timing, so now all there is to do is wait.  So here's my anthem, which I also share with the awesome RunCC who also posted this on her blog:

So I have my u/s scheduled for Friday morning which I am both looking forward to and not.  Who actually wants to go for a pelvic u/s?  Yeah, not me.  But I will be happy to have it done so I can go see my doctor after our vacation in a few weeks.  I'm secretly hoping we get our BFP at the end of this 2WW so I don't need to see her about a referral but rather because I'm pregnant, but I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of vacation, have you been following the flooding news in Calgary??  My heart goes out to the people there, what devastation they face.  There is going to be a lot of rebuilding happening.  I wonder how they will fare with the upcoming Stampede.  Very selfishly, this is our one vacation for the year, plane tickets are already booked and now I'm really unsure about what this crazy flooding means for our trip.  I've seen pictures of bridges completely washed out.  I did say I was being selfish here - I really hope that we're still able to get around to all of the places we have our hearts set on seeing.  Silver lining, which H just reminded me of the other day - we were originally planning to go the last two weeks of June, which is now, so happy we pushed it back a couple of weeks.  In preparation, we stopped at an outdoorsy store yesterday and bought me some good quality hiking pants - 25% off too!  I love a good sale :)  Here's to hoping the emergency in Calgary/Alberta eases soon, that everyone there is ok (or as ok as you can be through this) and that we still get to have an awesome vacation.

What up?

Updates
30 Day Ab Challenge: It's day 11, if I'm being honest, it's been tough, I'm out of shape, but I'm sticking with it!

My cycle: I think I'm O-ing today (or perhaps tomorrow), I had a positive OPK yesterday, this morning's was questionable but pretty dark still, looks like it's fading out as usual.  Let's just say it's been a fun week at our house ;)

Moving forward: After allowing myself a day to be sad about hitting our one year mark, I picked up the phone to make the first couple of calls, baby steps, if you will.  When I saw my GP last month, she said try another couple of months and if we're not pregnant, she wants me to get an u/s and then go back to see her.  So I booked my u/s appointment for June 28th (I was going to book it for the following week, right before we leave for vacation, but I don't want to take a chance I'd be on my period when I go - can you say awkward?).  I also booked my follow up appointment with my doctor, but not until July 26, after we get back from vacation.  I assume that in this appointment, if I'm not KU I'll get a referral for an RE.  So while not much has changed since yesterday, I feel better about booking these initial appointments.

Our One Year Anniversary

Since we ditched the birth control.  One year since I signed up for Fertility Friend.  One year of TTC and nothing to show for it except a crap load of pee sticks, empty bottles of Preseed, months of completed charts and a knot growing in the pit of my stomach that feels like this isn't going to happen for us, at least not the way I always imagined it would.

When we decided to pull the goalie, I remember thinking that the first month wouldn't be ideal since H had a big ski trip planned for March; wouldn't it be terrible if I were 9 months pregnant and he were leaving on a trip!   I remember being so hopeful; I was excited to wake up and temp every morning, I was excited to pee on sticks, I would wake up at 4:30am at 10DPO and try not to get up and pee so I could hold it and test with FMU when I got up.  Sigh, how my perspective has changed since then.  I do love charting, I love the knowledge I am able to gather from it, I have enjoyed learning about my cycle, but I'm feeling pretty well versed in TTC and would really like to move on to the next part, the being pregnant part, the being a mom part.

This has been a roller coaster ride, and a mindfluck for the most part.  I have learned to chalk up all 2WW "symptoms" to PMS, they don't mean shit unless you get that second line.  Last cycle, by the 2WW I was officially out of OPKs, HPTs and Preseed and I thought, "Wouldn't this be the perfect time to get a BFP?  No more TTC "tools" around, it would be perfect!"  Because I didn't have any HPTs in the house, I just waited for AF to show up, like always - and it did, but not until a day later than usual, just to screw with my head one more time.

Every holiday that arrives, every family dinner I'm at, I imagine what it would be like go to one of those with the exciting news that I'm pregnant.  Or at least I used to - I used to day dream about how I want to tell our family, how I want to tell H, how I think I would feel finally seeing a second line pop up.  But I'm slowly losing hope that we're going to be able to do this on our own, without some sort of intervention or assistance.   and that sucks.  Who knows, maybe we are just one of those couples that it takes a while for.  I have to tell myself this, I need to keep myself from assuming the worst because honestly, at this point, we just don't know yet, and I have a bad habit of assuming the worst.

I swear I'm not such a downer IRL, this blog is the one place I can put these negative feelings out there though, and I need to get them out so they don't eat me up.  I just never imagined a year ago that I would be writing this, I thought I'd have a baby by now, or at least on my way to having one.  One year, 365 days and I feel like I'm in the same place.  Except that my desire for our baby is relentless and at times, all consuming, and my heart is hurting.  I have never wanted something so bad and been so powerless to make that happen.  That is not a feeling I am ok with, so I have armed myself with all of the tools that are available to me so I can to take back as much of that control as possible, but unfortunately, this is out of my hands.