Thanksgiving weekend and a cycle update

What a busy and hectic long weekend!  It was awesome though, nice to see both of our families.  We went up north to my ILs for Sat & Sun, got to hang out with my adorable 3 yrs old nephew who just cracks me up, he is so amazing!  It was nice to see my SIL (who's about 14-15 weeks along now) and catch up, she's one of the few people who knows about our IF struggles so I filled her in on the latest.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and H's aunt and her family also came up with their 5yrs old golden retriever - needless to say, Abby had a blast with her new friend!  It was tiring but fantastic.  A few pictures from the weekend - the trees weren't as impressive as other years, but I still love it :)  The last one is Abby sitting outside on the deck, on the muskoka chair staring in at us having dinner, silly pup!

Then we came home Monday to furiously clean and prepare the house because we hosted my parents, my brother and his GF and my 15mos old nephew.  I got to use my wedding China, which excited me, I haven't had too many occasions to use it yet, so that made me happy.  I tried a new recipe, individual pineapple upside down cakes - they were a huge hit, everyone raved about them!  The only downfall was the recipe made 6 and there were 6 of us, meaning no leftovers - which is probably for the best, but still...it was delicious, I totally could've eaten another one!   Honestly, dinner was nice, but it was awkward at times.  The drama with my parents is still ongoing and it was very obvious that my mom was upset and that it was hard for her to be there, pretending like everything is fine when she's still trying to figure out what is in store for her marriage.  I bet she was thinking about all of the holidays we've spent together as a family, and what's going to happen next.  It was very hard, but I tried to keep things positive and light, it really helped to have my adorable nephew there - between him and Abby, we had our hands full!  I really hope they figure some stuff out, I can't imagine what Christmas is going to be like...

Cycle update:  It's CD16 now.  I saw the RE Sat morning before we left.  Righty had managed to get up to a 16mm, 13mm, and lefty hadn't changed at all.  I saw Dr. C, she told me we should have TI Sun & Mon, which we did (we had to work on our quickies being a family packed weekend!).  I had been using OPKs and I'm still temping; I never got a true +OPK, so I was a little unsure, I've never had trouble getting a + before.  And including this morning, my temp is pretty low still.  I had another follow up this morning and it does look like I've ovulated, hooray!  I am supposed to call at noon to confirm my b/w.  Provided that confirms O, I go back in Friday morning for b/w to check my progesterone levels.  I cannot believe how much blood they take!  I had b/w and tv u/s on CD3, CD8 before my SHG, CD11, CD13, CD16 (today) - I am feeling very much like a science experiment.  I'm sure there are ladies who have it worse, but it all just feels so invasive - I'm literally being poked and prodded every couple of days, I could use a little break from the needles and vag cams!  So I guess this is my first medicated cycle, 2WW.  I'm honestly not feeling too optimistic about this cycle, not sure why, maybe I'm just guarding myself after I got my hopes up too high last cycle.  I still have my fingers crossed though.

Grow, follies, grow, damnit!

Had another monitoring appt this morning.  There has been some progress but not a ton.  Dr. R was hoping for better numbers today.  After my b/w and u/s, I was waiting in an exam room for Dr. R to come and fill me in on the details.  I knew I wanted to know the exact measurements so I decided to just take a peek.  Well I realized I couldn't remember it all, so in my full on stealth mode, I snuck back into the hallway, looked left, looked right and then snapped a picture of my chart so I would have the info!  I'm like an info-gathering ninja.  Evidence:

So righty is making some progress, but lefty is being a big slacker.  I honestly expected better since I've had a "feeling" around righty this week.  Not O pains, I don't know how to describe it, but a "feeling" nonetheless in that region.  I go back in Sat morning for another check in.  This means our weekend plans are slightly delayed.  We are heading up north to stay with my ILs for Thanksgiving; we were supposed to leave Friday, but now I guess we'll head out right after my appt on Sat.  This is the first time we've actually had to change/alter plans (minor, I realize) because of IF/monitoring.  It really does permeate every aspect of your life.  I will say the silver lining is that less time up there means less sneaky sex at my ILs and more awesome sex at home - at this rate we're only there Sat & Sun, so hopefully we can get some really great timing.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends/stalkers!  

Tubes are clear!

First, I have to say that Saturday was exhaustingly amazing!!!  Les Mis was Fan-Freaking-Tastic!!!!  I love that musical so much, the cast was phenomenal, we were all blown away.  Worth every penny and then some!  Leafs game rocked!!!  We had amazing seats, right at centre ice, row 21.  It was a super exciting game, ended 4-4 in the third, so we went to OT.  Remained tied.  Into shoot outs - Leafs win!!!!  It was amazing!  I spent Sunday on the couch from an excitement hangover, if you will ;)

That brings me to today.  Nobody really likes Monday mornings to begin with, but this one...well, it was extra sucky.  I had my SHG this morning.  I got there, did my b/w and tv u/s.  I was pretty chill going in, all things considered.  I took my advil in the morning.  It was actually brutal.  I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but that was really shittastic.  I have no idea if it made a difference, Dr. R didn't really indicate that it would, but when they did the initial u/s, the found my uterus was retroverted and flipped around.  He said it just meant a different path for him, but it shouldn't make a difference, but who knows.  Everyone I spoke to had a different experience.  The nurses were so sweet, one had her hand on my knee as the catheter was going in, it was comforting.  The other one let me squeeze her hand when the saline was going in because it hurt like a mother*#^&$^.  I also started having a hot flash mid way through, so she helped me get my sweater off.  I literally felt like this during the procedure:

It really helped that everyone was so kind and compassionate, letting me hold their hand and talking me through things.  The bedside manner was top notch.  When it was all done, I mentioned that my arms were feeling pretty tingly and he took my pulse, said I had some bradycardia going on (low heart rate) which cause the tingling, and also the dizziness when I first sat up.  So yeah, overall, it fucking sucked!  But the good news after all that is that there are no blockages!  Tubes are clear, and I don't have to do that again - hooray!

I saw the screen for my right ovary, follies were 1.03cm, 0.84 and 0.53.  In our post-SHG chat, Dr. R mentioned a 1cm-ish one on the left too.  I am going back Thurs for monitoring.  Dr. R said that should hopefully be close to O.  That would be awesome, I've never O'd earlier than CD18, it would be nice to have a shorter cycle, less waiting!!  I didn't get more info from him as I felt like shit and was really crampy, but I'll find out more on Thurs.  Here's to hoping for some good follies!!

First Medicated Cycle - It's Go Time!

I had my first CD3 monitoring this morning.  They took some blood, then took me in for an u/s.  From there, I was sent to a room to wait for the doctor.  Unfortunately Dr. R did not come in, Dr. C did (she's the one I didn't like last time).  Fortunately she wasn't as rushed today and was much nicer, it was a better experience.  So I'm starting on Letrozole 2.5mg.  I took two pills today, I am to take two tomorrow, then one on Friday.  She told me to come back in one week, next Wed for monitoring.  Then she seemed like she was wrapping up, so I said that Dr. R and I had spoken about doing the SHG this cycle.  She did ask why, she said she normally does it after a couple of rounds, and I simply explained that I want to have it done now, I don't want to wait and put fertility drugs into my body if we haven't checked my tubes yet.  I had an easier time advocating for myself today, it helped that I knew Dr. R and I had already agreed on this, and Dr. C said that was fine, let's book it.  So I will be going in on Monday morning for the SHG, more b/w and u/s and I guess we'll go from there.  It feels good to be taking a step forward.

Saturday!!!

I don't think my Saturday could get much better!  My mom's birthday was in May, and we knew that Les Mis was coming back to Toronto on stage.  This is probably one of our favourite musicals, we know every word to every song - we're those people.  We saw the movie when it came out and loved it, but we are super excited to get to see it on stage again!!  Saturday matinee show, here we come!  It's hard to pick a favourite song, but this is one I can listen to over, and over, and over...

Then, my friend calls yesterday and asks if I have plans for Saturday night.  I mentioned Les Mis, but it's a matinee, so I'm free as a bird that night.  Doesn't she proceed to tell me she scored GOLD Leafs tickets, home opener on Saturday, playing the Sens - do I want to go?!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  I told her she better not be messing with me, or we're not friends anymore.  She's dead serious.  WOO HOO!!!  If you are a hockey fan, particularly a Leafs fan, you understand my excitement!  Tickets in Toronto are not easy to come by, and they cost a fortune.  It's also the start of a new season, a time when Leafs fans have an easier time being optimistic for the upcoming season.  And after watching them beat the Habs last night, I couldn't be more excited!  GO LEAFS GO!!!!

Good Stress

It seems I have my fair share of stress, both good and bad.  H wondered why I was overwhelmed the other day and I asked him to name one area of my life that isn't stressful.  Pause.  His response, "Me?"  I love him so!  Yes, that's very true, but that's about where the list stops.  I do enough complaining here, so I'm going to write about the good stress.

Work.  This is good stress, so while I'm happy about the changes in the long run, I'm anxious about all of the unknowns.  I work for a very small company, and my boss has decided to make some major changes to the business.  In a nutshell, Colleague and I are starting our own company, buying Boss's current company and then we will have a contract with his new company.  The good: we will be our own bosses, giving us more opportunities to have a voice and decision making power (not that much more than we currently have, but more nonetheless).  We will get the experience of being owners/shareholders which should give us some options to hopefully get more cash in our pocket.  There is not much risk involved, which eases my anxiety.  We should be able to write more stuff off, and some other related perks, or so everyone says.  The stressful part is that this is all new to me, I am not versed in running a business from an accounting point of view, I don't know about all of the legalities and while write offs sound awesome, I want to be on the up and up, but I don't know any of the rules about this stuff.  So I'm excited, but I am anxious until I start to learn more about all of this.

Car.  We are replacing my 1996 Acura Integra, my first car.  I have loved this car for years, but it's time to go.  We knew we'd need a new one before we started a family, but even with Abby, I could really use another 2 doors!  We've narrowed it down to a Toyota RAV4 or a Subaru Forester.  I thought we were imminently going to buy, then H brings up a very good point.  He wants us to sort out what, if any, write off's we could utilize once the business stuff happens (in the next couple of months) and if that makes a difference between us buying (new or used), vs leasing.  Yet again, it's all good, I'm not complaining, it's just another thing I need to do X,Y,Z and figure it all out before we make a decision.  This is Canada, it's now October.  The plan was to have the car before winter, which means our timeline is either being pushed back, or I need to learn about corporate write offs in a hurry!

First medicated cycle.  I've bounced back from my low this weekend, thanks for the kind comments, friends and stalkers, it means a lot.  I'm looking forward to getting this show on the road!  I have my first monitoring appt in the morning.  Like the work situation, I'm excited, I want to move forward, but I'm nervous, this is new, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect (I have ideas, but you never really know until you get there).  And I known with IF modesty is out the window, but that does not mean I am looking forward to a tv u/s on CD3 tomorrow!  I also don't want to put too much hope into this cycle, I know I'm not taking a magic pill - must keep expectations in check.

I was going to write about the good stress AND the bad stress, but this got long, and I'd like to try not to complain, for at least one post.

Should have known better...

But I didn't, and I let myself get all hopeful for this cycle.  Our last cycle before treatment.  I let myself think, "Well maybe this will be it!  We'll be those people who are just about to start treatment and bam!  Pregnant on our own."  I had ended up ovulating on our 2nd wedding anniversary - it just seemed like such a good sign.  Clearly that is not our story.  So yesterady, at 12DPO my temp was up so I tested - BFN.  As the day went along, I started having a little spotting.  And I knew.  I just knew what was coming.  H was gone most of yesterday and I had too much time to wallow, and eat freshly baked cookies.  I did a little of this:

And then a little of this:

We really can't do this on our own.  We really need some help if we want to get pregnant.  I'm still having a crappy start to the day, as it shapes up to be CD1 here, but I think I will try to focus on moving forward today, "try being the operative word.  I will call the RE's office and leave a message as soon as AF really arrives.  I should be going for CD3 b/w and u/s on Tuesday and then we'll get this show on the road.

Cycle 15, I never imagined I would see you and still have this ache in my heart, but alas, here we are.