Lost

I am so sick of it all right now and how unbelievably out of control everything feels.  I hide it well from most people, because no one knows about all this stuff with my parents or about IF.  I feel like I'm keeping these huge secrets from my closest friends and it feels shitty.  Yet I still can't seem to find the words to tell them what's going on in my life these days.  It's like a little part of me wants some area of my life not to change so much, I just want to be able to pretend that everything's ok for a little while.

My dad is moving out this morning and my mother is not ok.  She is a complete and utter mess, understandable since her marriage of 40 years is at stake in all of this, the man she loves is moving out and she is terrified of being alone, it's always been an issue for her.  I really believe this will be for the best in the end, I think they could both use some space right now to clear their heads and get some perspective.  He is only going to a temporary place, this is kind of a trial separation to give them both a chance to see what they both want.  I had coffee with my dad this week and it kills me to see this man that I love and respect so much, but whom I have watched struggle with so much shit that life has handed to him, it breaks my heart to see him hurting.  We talked at length about how important it is for him to find someone to talk to, he needs to stop burying his feelings and learn to own them.  I have never heard him utter one angry word about his situation, which has always surprised me.  He has every right to be angry - angry about the colitis, then the improperly monitored prednisone that caused huge side effects, all of his hip surgeries, cancer, now all of this pancreatits shit and yet another surgery - he has every right to be angry, to get pissed off and say, "this fucking sucks" because you know what, it does!  He said he didn't see much of a point to that and I responded that although saying that might not change things, it sure as hell can feel good to let it out.  It's certainly not doing him well to keep it all bottled up inside.  I talked about how much strength, courage, support and inspiration I have received from the amazing women I have met online also dealing with IF.  I have no idea what I would do without you all.  I told him sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, not someone you'll see tomorrow who will give you the sad puppy dog eyes and say, "so, how you doing?" in that knowing way.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside of your every day life.  I think I got through to him so I am hoping he will find a therapist soon.

I am struggling with my mom.  I am having a hard time figuring out what my role in all of this is, and should be.  My mom is one of my best friends, we are so close, and so very similar.  I reached out to my mom's friend, who I am very close to also, because I had no idea where else to turn.  She kept saying I need to stay out of this, I shouldn't be in the middle, these are my parents.  She needs to lean on her friends right now, not her daughter.  And I so hear what she's saying, I don't want to be in the middle, I love them both and want the best for both of them, together or separately.  But I don't know how to pull back and tell my mom I need to remove myself a little from this situation.  I don't want to her feel like she's alone or that I'm not here for her, and to support her, but I can't be her friend through this right now.  I know what it can be like to be going through something huge, and horrible and life altering and feel like you're all alone in it, and I don't want that for her.  But I'm worried she's going to feel like that and I don't know how to manage that, I don't want to let her down.

Everything is such a mess and I can't fix any of it.  I've seen this a few times and I so need to believe it right now: