Twenty-two

Cycle twenty-two, that is, started yesterday - Happy Easter to me.  After our shittastic beta on Thursday, H and I were grateful for the holiday Friday so we could just be together and wallow in our sadness, curse IF, get angry and then start to figure out how to move forward.  This cycle hit H really hard.  I think he really never thought we'd need to seriously discuss IVF.  I think he really believed that one of these cycles would work for us.  But after 3 failed Femara cycles and 4 failed IUIs, we're both thinking it's time to try something new.  Every cycle has been the same or better than the last.  Every one of them has looked perfect on paper.  And every one has ended the same way.  I think this weekend was a real turning point for H, and I think it's been hard for him to wrap his head around taking the next step - moving to IVF.  Neither of us honestly believed we'd get here.  I am terrified of taking this step.

I'm terrified that this is the end of the road, there are no further medical advances, IVF is it.  I know there are different protocols and such, but for every step we've taken, there was an incrementally small-ish step to take next.  Natural to Femara.  Femara to injects + IUI.  But IVF just seems so final and scary.  I know it's expensive for everyone, but that scares me too. This is a huge gamble - $12k and no guarantees.  And it terrifies me to see how often IVF isn't successful.  I used to always imagine that was the guaranteed way to get pregnant if you're struggling and nothing else works, but now, my eyes are open, and I know it's not nearly as sure a bet as I used to think it was.  And as happy as I am that Ontario is moving toward funding one IVF cycle, that's not expected until next year sometime, and who knows if it will go through as quickly as expected.  So much about taking this next step scares me.

So the plan moving forward then is to go ahead with IUI#5.  I think by the time we do this last one, we will both feel like we've really exhausted this option, making it easier for us to move on to IVF.  In the mean time, we will make an IVF consult appt (for $400...seriously??) with our current clinic, I'm interested to see the protocol and overall schedule they would suggest for us.  In addition, I did some googling to see if there are any other clinics near by that we couple compare.  I am grateful on a regular basis that my clinic is a 15min drive.  Inject cycles require you to be there so very often (some weeks, with IUIs, I've been in 4-5 days in a row) so location is important to consider.  In my googling, I found another clinic/website that seems to be in the same building I'm in now but on another floor.  It's not obvious to me if it's a full on clinic or if they are more labs/facilities, since a lot of their webpage talks about sperm bank,egg and embyo donation I'm a little unclear about what exactly they offer, but I think I'll give them a call and find out.  So there it is, cycle 22 will be our fifth and final IUI while we research and budget for IVF.