You Gotta Be

This is an old favourite of mine, but still so relevant.

Weekend Update

That's what I think of my weekend.  Friday was really hard for me, I was happy and sad and on the verge of tears quite frequently.  We drove up to my ILs place where we were also meeting up with BIL & SIL.  We were spending the night there before all heading to a cottage wedding on Sat.  In the car on the way up, I was thinking about talking to SIL and filling her in on what's going on.  We spoke during cycle 10 so she knows we've been trying for over a year now and I thought it would be nice to share this with someone.  She and I get along so well, she's absolutely amazing, I love her like the sister I never had.  We all got up there late evening and were hanging out as usual.  I made a wine spritzer for myself and offered her one, she said no and I immediately had a sinking feeling she was KU.  When we spoke a few months ago, I knew they were thinking about TFAS in the very near future.  The ladies got to talking about the wedding the next day and who would be DD - she volunteered....for the next 9 months.  I hugged her and told her how happy I was for her and then chugged my wine back, waited for the first moment to excuse myself that wasn't totally obvious, and went downstairs to our room and lost it, I just started bawling.  I pulled myself back together, rejoined the party and did my best to put on a happy face.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't even look at H because he knew, and I couldn't hold it together seeing him look at me like he knows my heart is breaking.  We turned in and H just let me cry and wish it was that easy for us.  I was/am so jealous, I just want to know what it feels like to see two lines, to not have to deal with 12 cycles of BFNs, to not be meeting a fertility doctor - it was a serious woe is me moment.  I just want to be happy for them without this horrible jealousy/sadness/envy/guilt feeling.

SIL was totally amazing, and understanding.  H filled her in on our doctor's appt, so she's up to speed and was so sweet and supportive.  I just kept saying I want her to know how happy we are for her and she was so understanding of the mess of emotions I was feeling.  It really made a huge difference, but I still felt like a crappy friend and SIL, I just couldn't separate the happy feeling from the rest.  I love being and aunt, and I am ecstatic to have another niece or nephew on the way, and that's where I'll end - on a positive note :)

Meeting Dr. R

Friday was our initial appointment at the fertility clinic.  I was nervous and anxious but also a little excited to take the next step.  Fortunately the office is pretty close to home, so that's nice and convenient.  The nurses at the desk were really nice and helpful.  We were sent to the lab (after filling out pages of questionnaires) and had quite a bit of blood drawn, they will run 56 different tests on my samples, and 32 on H's.  Then we sat down and met with Dr. R for the first time.  He was really great, I think I'm really going to like him.  He's a nice Irish man that was funny, kind, informative and helped to put us at ease (as much as was possible).  Then H was sent to the "audio-visual" room (he said it was pretty odd, he tried not to think about all of the other men that had been through there before!) while I was taken in for a pelvic u/s and some cervical swabs.  We go back in two weeks for a few more ultrasounds, then on Sept 11 we have our follow up appt when they should have all of the results back.

Dr. R looked through my charts, and while I thought they looked alright over the last few months, he was quick to comment on the rocky mountains and dips I consistently have during the 2WW and he questioned my progesterone levels.  I think I only had one chart that he said looked good.  (I felt like I was getting a failing grade)  He basically said it looks like I have "crappy ovulation", that's a direct quote.  I liked his no BS, right to the point style, so while that sucks, I'm glad he was just upfront about what he was seeing.  He sounded optimistic though, and said if all we're dealing with is my crappy ovulation, he has high hopes that meds and well timed sex might do the trick for us.  I realize this is pretty good info overall, I know we're still waiting on the other tests to get a full picture, but I liked that he was able to identify something standing in our way (he actually mentioned that he would be concerned that even if I did get a BFP it might be harder to sustain a pregnancy) but he was optimistic and confident, stating if that's the only thing in our way, we should be a fairly easy case.  Let's hope that's the case.

I had the day off work and H took the afternoon off so that was nice to not have to rush back to work.  It's funny, after we left, H & I were chatting and I mentioned that I was feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable and he seemed confused and said, "I thought you'd be happier that we're moving forward".  The truth is, I am, but that day, it's like all of this IF stuff really started to sink in.  I've had this stupid head in my voice that kept saying, "Well, maybe nothing's wrong, it's just taking us longer but this will be the month!" and that voice has now been silenced.  It's not in my head, Dr. R looked at my charts and was very quick to comment on my crappy ovulation.  I guess it was just such a jumble of emotions that day, realizing that this is the road we are now on and it's been much harder and longer than I had anticipated.

Keep it together

I'm out of town with my in-laws, whom I love. I am emotional as is today, we met with the doc - I'll discuss that later. SIL announces she's KU with #2. I am so happy for them, but I am having trouble keeping myself together. We are all going to a wedding tomorrow, so I'm with them all weekend. Give me strength to keep it together.  The timing on this just stings so much.  I wish I could just be happy for them without feeling this immense sadness.

This should have published on Friday. It's now Sat morning, my eyes are slightly swollen from crying (in my room) last night. I wish I could hide under the covers and just skip today, but I know I have to go. I'm so emotionally fragile at this moment, I just need to keep it together. 

Can't he just catch a break?

I had an email from my mom first thing this morning asking me to call her.  I expected she had a computer related question, or she was going to pop by my place at some point on her way to somewhere else.  Nope, nothing like that.  She tells me that my dad is at the hospital!  Apparently yesterday afternoon he started having some serious stomach pains which continued to worsen.  By 7pm last night he asked my mom to take him to the ER, which she did.  He was apparently diagnosed with pancreatitis and they want to do an ultrasound this morning to check for gallstones.  Let's say I woke up pretty quickly at this point!  As I write this, it's 12pm, meaning he has been at the hospital for about 17 hours.  He has yet to get a bed.  It's been 17 hrs and he doesn't even have a bed yet??  Sometimes our healthcare system baffles my mind.  And this isn't someone they think they're going to discharge momentarily (so maybe less pressing to get him a bed), they've already told him they want to keep him for a couple of days.  He also just texted that he's still waiting for the u/s too.  Cue the worry and the stress.  I feel incredibly bad for him.  This man has had nothing but shitty luck when it comes to health.  He's an amazing man who has had 10+ hip surgeries, only to recover from that and get, and beat, cancer.  Then back to the hips, since they only last so long.  And now this?!  Are you freaking kidding me??  Can this man not just catch a break???

Not to mention this is happening at one of the worst possible times.  In our industry, twice a year there are huge tradeshows.  Our industry revolves around these shows - max stress, max pressure.  My dad has a business associate coming up from the US for meetings this week, the show starts on Sunday.  I can only imagine how stressed my dad was about all of this already, and now he's in the hospital, and for a few days?  Like if this had even happened a week from now, the timing would be so much better.  My heart goes out to him, this is all kinds of shitty.  Now I'm googling "pancreatitis" and "gallstones", trying to learn something about them, what they mean for him, for his lifestyle, etc.  Not that anyone deserves something like this, but I just feel like he's the last guy that should be dealing with this.  He's finally been feeling good after his most recent hip surgery, which was last year.  It was also the second one last year because the first one didn't take.  Do you see what I mean?  He has some pretty shitty luck when it comes to his health.  I'm just hoping at the very least, he gets a bed soon.  I hope this is a relatively "easy" fix and doesn't become a long term health concern/issue he has to live with.  Feeling stressed today...

Appreciation time

I've been a bit of a downer lately, so my post today is simply going to be a reminder that I have so much to be grateful for.

1. My husband.  He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am grateful for every day that we get to spend together.  He is my rock and I love him more than words can express.
2. Abby!  I can't believe we've only had our pup for 4 months because I love her like crazy!  She has been such an amazing addition to our family.  There's nothing like puppy snuggles and kisses to cheer a girl up!
3. My family: my parents - they are not only amazing parents, they are also really close friends.  As I've grown up, we have stayed incredibly close and I am thankful for their love and support.  My brother and his beautiful family, GF and nephew.  Seeing them this weekend was definitely a highlight!
4. My inlaws.  I am so lucky when it comes to the family I married into.  My inlaws are amazing, we get along so well and I couldn't be happier to be apart of their family.  I also have an adorable almost 3 yrs old nephew on this side who I could eat, he's so damn cute!
5. My job.  While I don't love it right now (it's a busy time of year for us) I love my job.  I enjoy what I do, I have an awesome boss and colleagues - not too many complaints here!
6. I am grateful for the vacation that H & I just got back from a few weeks ago.  I am thankful that we have managed to do some good travelling together, seen some amazing places, gone on some crazy adventures - I'm glad I found someone who loves to travel as much as I do!
7. I am thankful for my health (besides the not getting pregnant part).  
8. I am appreciative of the amazing friendships that I have.  I have some very special people in my life and they mean so much to me.    
9. I am grateful that I have found some amazing women online that I have connected with.  Women I'm genuinely rooting for and think about here and there, wondering how they're doing, waiting for an update.  This road feels a little less lonely when you find people that understand where you're coming from and where you're going.
10. Every morning I am grateful that H & I splurged on our Christmas present to us and bought a wicked cappuccino maker.  Seriously, starting my day out with one (or two) of those every day is heavenly :)

Groundhog day and the green monster

In recent months I have given myself the first week of a new cycle off temping.  I tend to O a little later and it's nice to take a break from waking up at 5:30am to take my temperature.  It's the Monday of a long weekend, so tomorrow I will get back at it.  In another week or so, it will be time to start PIAC again.  It feels a bit like groundhog day.

Our appointment is next Friday, which feels like an eternity away.  I know it will be here soon, work ramps up for the next two weeks, so that's bound to help, but today, it feels so far away.  FF predicts FW right around our appt date, and I can't help but hear this tiny little whisper of a voice in my head saying, "Maybe we'll get KU this cycle and won't need to pursue testing and such with the RE!"  Yeah, I know that's stupid, but no matter how many times I tell myself that's not very realistic, I can't totally quiet that faint whisper of hope (or delusion).

There have been quite a few BFPs on TB this week and while I am happy for them (I really am), the jealousy pangs are quite severe at the moment, and that makes me feel like a shitty person.  I genuinely thought I would be one of those people that got their BFP after 3-4 months - now I read those posts and can't help but feel incredibly envious.  I want that so much.  I want to know what it's like to see a second pink line pop up.  I want to know the excitement of a positive test HPT.  I want to tell my husband that we're finally going to expand our family, and not in the 4 legged way.  I want to have no clue what it feels like to struggle to get pregnant.  I want it so much it hurts.  But all I can do right now is wait.  Some Most days this process is just so damn frustrating.