Follie Check

Today is CD9 and I had a follie check this morning, after 4 days of stims.  I was eager to see how things were progressing since we lowered my stims a bit (150,75,150,75).  I was hoping for some good follies but not too many.  If I'm being completely honest, I think we over stimmed last cycle, had too many follies and I think that is also why I had such a hard time post IUI with some mild OHSS symptoms.  It was also with Dr. C, whom I don't particularly like and I don't trust her as much.  I am glad that Dr. R is around this week and apparently not going anywhere, because I feel so much better in his care.

As per usual, I totally ninja'd my chart and snapped a pic so I could look again later, it's hard to remember all those numbers!  I put my chart back, looked down the hall and my favourite nurse was looking at me, I just smiled like a kid with their hand caught in the cookie jar and ducked back into the exam room to wait for Dr. R.  So, not as ninjatastic today, but it got the job done!  I currently have 3x15s,13,12.  Dr. R is really happy with this, a much more controlled response than last cycle.  I was also pretty happy with the report today, much less apprehensive than looking at allllll those follies from last cycle!  I did another 75 Puregon/10 Lupron again today and I will be back in tomorrow for another check.  Hopefully things look good and we can trigger for IUI Wed/Thurs.

As for the weekend, it was pretty good overall.  We had a family dinner/birthday cake thing with my parents, my brother and his 6 month pregnant GF and my nephew (he'll be 2 in June).  It was a nice time, always good to see them.  I made it through most of the visit ok, until my mom said something to my SIL (minus the law part) about how both of them had their first kid, a boy, at 26 and their second at 28 so that must mean SIL is having a girl (they're team green).  I can't fault my mom for being excited about another grandbaby on the way, and I know she is probably hoping for a girl, but it just sucked a little to be sitting in the middle of that, having just turned 30 and trying desperately to join the "I have a baby" club.  And the pettiest part: I "joked" to my mom not that long ago that I secretly want them to have a boy so that I can have the first girl, I didn't get the first grandbaby, I want a first, damnit!  Then I look at my nephew running around, too cute for words, and I think, "we have literally been trying to get pregnant for as long as he's been alive".  Sigh.

Ok, that's all for my sad IF stuff today, because today I have some good follies, I don't have that many injects left this cycle, we're gearing up for IUI#4 and I'm feeling optimistic.  Please let this be lucky #4!

And rain will make the flowers grow

My dearest Chickin,
I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain, but I know there are no words that can make today any easier for you.  Please know that I am here for you, for whatever you need.  While there may be distance between us, I am here, walking this path with you, you are not alone.  When you need to be reminded, hold your necklace in your hand, close your eyes and feel the love envelope you.  When it feels like you can't go on, lean on us and we will hold you up until you can again.

To Petey Nugget,
You have such an amazing mom, she is absolutely inspiring.  The love and strength and courage that she possesses is truly remarkable.  You are so loved, by so many.  You will be greatly missed.  But I believe that you will be in heaven, watching over your mom and dad, and all those who love you.  And I believe that one day, you will all be together again.  "Perhaps the stars in the sky are loved ones letting us know they are nearby, guiding us through the night". 

Love you both, more than words can say <3

Back to reality

Bright and early (and cold!), I was quickly thrown back into reality after arriving home last night from a much needed and pretty awesome vacation.  Negril was as beautiful as everyone says, it really was like paradise.  We had amazing accommodations, we were the only people in our 6 bdrm B&B, and 2 of about 10 people at the second resort - we practically had both places to ourselves!  There were points on this trip that for the first time in 21 months, I went a few hours at a time without thinking about IF or TTC or what CD I'm on.  And then, in a quiet moment, it would creep back in and the tears would threaten to fall.  We really wanted an escape, and we got that for the most part, but you can never fully get away from it all.  I had a lot of mixed emotions on my birthday - I was so grateful to be somewhere so beautiful, just the two of us. I was glad not to face family and friends, or be sitting at my desk dwelling on how things were supposed to be when I turned 30.  So it was definitely the best place for me to be, but that doesn't mean that the weight of it all wasn't felt.  30.  No baby.  No baby on the way.  One last shot at a baby in 2014.  And to have been so close, to have had positive freakin' tests last week and then still not be pregnant, it just feels cruel, especially on a cycle I was so hopeful for.

We can't escape forever, so back to the real world.  I got up and went in for monitoring this morning.  I did talk to Dr. R about how last cycle ended, it was so hard to get a positive and then have it not really be it for us.  I asked if there was anything else we could do post-O, to aid with implantation.  He did say we could try adding baby aspirin post-O, it's been shown to help in people with immune issues.  In our initial testing there, they did test for autoimmune disorders and such and didn't find anything specific.  However, I do have thyroid issues and poor circulation, cold hands and feet, it might be worth giving it a shot.  He said it won't do any harm, it's such a low dose, so I think we're going to try that this cycle.  I also commented on how many follies we had last time, there were a lot!  Since I seem to respond so well to the stims, we're going to alternate between 150 Puregon one day, then 75, then back to 150, then 75.  This will hopefully be a more controlled way to get just the best ones to plump up without ending up with quite as many.  And I'm staying on the Lupron.  So that's the plan for cycle 21, IUI#4.

Dr. R has said from the time we met him that we're young and healthy, we're an "easy case" and he'll get us KU no problem.  When we had our sit down toward the end of IUI#2, he reiterated that again.  Today was the first time since August that he said, "If we can't get you pregnant this way and decide to move on to IVF..." basically I respond well and we'd likely get a lot of eggs.  Ok, while that's great, not two months ago you said you really thought IUI would work for us if we gave it a good shot (up to 6 IUIs) and seemed to think IVF was not in our future.  I'm not really sure what to do with that yet, but it sucked to hear our always very confident doctor say if we can't get you pregnant.  I'm trying to cling to my relaxing vacation buzz and not get ahead of myself, but after the shitty end to last cycle, hearing him say that when we're shelling out another $2000 for IUI#4 made me a little nervous.  Does he not think this will work for us after all?  Is he not as confident anymore?  It's hard enough when we question everything, but he's supposed to be the assured one, the one who believes, if we can deal with the mental and emotional toll of all these IUIs, it will work for us.  Someone is supposed to be optimistic and confident here, and that is his job!

A week from hell

I'm emotionally wrought right now so I'm just going to go over some highlights...or lowlights, as it were.  I tested on Tues and got the faintest of faint lines on a FRER.  Some of my favourite ladies were kind enough to look at the picture and they saw it too!  I was nervous, but was cautiously optimistic.  I have never seen anything before, so this was the brightest spot yet in our IF journey.  I spent the next 24 hours hoping and praying with everything I had.  I let myself be happy, I let myself think maybe, maybe it's finally our turn.  I tested on Wed morning, same thing, the line looked about the same.  I was really hoping for a darker line but was headed in for my beta, so I knew we'd find out soon enough (never soon enough!).  Cut to lunch time, I call and the nurse says it's not great, they wanted at least a 7 and I came in at a 5 and I need to come back the next day.  I tried to remain optimistic but also prepare myself.

I tested again this morning and yet again, there is this very faint line, still no darker then before.  I prayed and prayed and went for more b/w.  When I called for my results, she said it wasn't good, things aren't progressing at all, I asked for my number and she said 6.  This is the exact moment my hopes were crushed and the tears just started flowing.  This one has stung more than any other.  I never had the sliver of hope of a faint line, I have never had the thought, I might actually be pregnant before.  It all just feels so overwhelming right now, and I can't even think about starting all over again next week.  I was thisclose, and now nothing.  Thank goodness for our trip tomorrow, never have I needed an escape, a getaway as much as I do right now.  I just want to go somewhere and pretend for a few days that this isn't my life.

It's not my story to share, so I won't go into details but a very, very dear friend is going through something I can't even imagine right now, my heart is breaking for her.  I don't know if you'll even see this, but I'm going to leave it here in case you do.  While I might not be around as much in the coming week, please know that I will be thinking about you and praying for strength, and sending all of my love, Chickin.  I hope you know how very loved you are and that you are not alone, we are here for you.  Sending so much love to you. <3

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

I have always loved St. Patrick's day, and as I sit here at my desk, one week shy of my 30th birthday, I am fondly remembering the university days of pancake keggers, afternoon naps and all night shenanigans!  Then I realize I'm too old for that shit so I'm really glad I enjoyed it then!  LOL

I am 12dpo and I can't remember the last time I held out this long without POAS.  I thought about it a LOT before I got out of bed this morning, like longer than I probably should admit.  On the one hand, it's St. Patrick's day, maybe I'll get a little luck of the Irish!  On the other hand, it's precisely because this would be an awesome day for good news that I expected non-delivery of said good news.  (This is what 21 months of TTC does to you, it makes you crazy!)  I am also really excited that we will be in Jamaica at this time on Friday, we have some details to work out and I just wanted to be happy today.  I wanted to live in my hopeful bubble.  I like to think of it as Schrodinger's Ute - today, I am neither pregnant nor not pregnant, but the possibility of being pregnant still exists.  I just wasn't quite ready to ruin that yet.  Although I may have looked up the HPT accuracy chart online during my decision making also - 62% at 12dpo is not all that awesome.  So I am waiting at least another day, but perhaps not longer than that!  Beta is scheduled for Wed, which as I mentioned before is my Grandmother's birthday, and will also make 21 months for us.  (Can I please drop the "and counting" part already?!)

After all this time TTC, I actually have trouble picturing what two lines would look like.  I remember being 3,4,5 months in and imagining getting a +HPT and how I'd tell H and our parents, etc.  I could vividly imagine all of it.  After all of these months of BFNs, I literally can no longer imagine that at all anymore.  I can't imagine anything but one line looking back at me in that mocking way it always does, I can't imagine what it will look like or feel like to see another line.  But I do know that I want to know that feeling, more than anything.  So I've been doing a lot of praying, and specifically to my grandmother, whom I hope is watching down over me and hoping maybe she put in a good word for me ;)  I want more than anything for this trip to be a celebration not only for my birthday, but for this next chapter in our lives.

Half way there...

These two week waits never get any easier!  So.Much.Waiting.Grrrrr!

So this week has been less than fun, physically for me.  I ended up getting that prescription filled on Friday, I was very uncomfortable and was concerned about OHSS and decided it was better to add some more drugs to the mix if it would help.  Guess what??  My insurance actually covered it!!! This is the first thing in our TTC/IF journey that my insurance has paid for and damnit, it feels good to make them pay!  (Random aside about my insurance.  When I was on BC, I was on the patch, which wasn't covered, they only covered pills.  Assholes.  Fast forward to lately.  They don't cover any kind of fertility treatment.  So basically, my insurance wouldn't help me NOT get pregnant and now it won't help me TO get pregnant! Good for nothing...).

I started taking the script, co-cabergoline (dosinex) along with baby aspirin.  Then a funny thing happened.  I finally got some relief in the ovary region but the bloat did not fade, but rather seems to have intensified since the med also has side effects that can effect...ahem, digestion.  It has been a rough week.  So add more pills to the mix, thank you OTC options, but damn this ends up being a shit load of pills!  And then I woke up yesterday so congested I could barely breathe, runny nose - yay, I'm getting sick!  

It's been a week, to say the least.  But what is making it better is that H and I booked a trip!!  We are going to Jamaica for 5 nights over my birthday weekend and I am ecstatic!  I have not had something like this to look forward to in a while, it feels really good to be excited!  We decided to spend 2 nights at a B&B right on the beach, then we'll move about 1km down the road and spend 3 nights in a hotel on the cliffs!  I am so excited!  And H is so sweet, he's been doing all the researching of where to stay, where to eat, what to do, etc.  That's usually what *I* do when we plan vacations, he's really making an effort to do a lot of the planning, which really means so much to me.  He really is an amazing husband and I am truly fortunate and grateful to be his partner <3  Only 7 more days of work and then we're off!!  That should give me just enough time to get over being sick.  I just keep praying it will be a celebratory trip, please give us reason to celebrate and not throw the most epic pity party of all time!  ;)

Done and done!

IUI#3 part 2 this morning went pretty well.  I woke up feeling pretty crampy and like there were baseballs where my ovaries should be. I took a couple Tylenol on the way to the clinic to help with that.  Overall, it was the same shit, different day - did our thing, went to Timmy's, then back for the spermination.  H's post wash numbers were >68 mil, >80% motility.  He was concerned that his numbers are declining, I assured him he's crazy, his numbers are amazing.  Silly guy, but it was kind of cute, he wants to make sure there's nothing else he should be doing to help.

The RE asked how I was feeling, I told her rather crampy but certainly didn't go on about it.  She said it might be a good idea to give me that script for the medication to simmer my ovaries down.  It wasn't until we got to the front desk that I found out it's $175 for 8 pills - holy crap that's expensive!  I think I'll see how I'm feeling throughout the day, keep taking tylenol and if that's taking the edge off, I'll stick with that.  We also thought about taking the script to the pharmacy to see if our insurance might actually cover something for us - if that's the case, I will likely get it.  I am hesitant for the sheer fact that I have put a crap load of drugs into my body in the last two weeks, I would really prefer to not have to take anything else if I don't have to (I don't count Tylenol as a "drug" in the same sense).  I also loaded up on more Powerade, since they recommended I drink a good bit of that over the next 5 days.

Beta is scheduled for March 19, which was my grandmother's birthday.  I didn't have a chance to know her, she passed away when I was about 3 weeks old.  I think there is one picture of her holding me.  It would be pretty special for me to get good news on her birthday.  It also makes for perfect timing for the getaway H and I are trying to plan for my birthday weekend.  I could really use a few days away, preferably somewhere hot and on a beach.  Now that we have all of our dates, I'm going to get searching for a trip!

Now, on to the waiting.  We've done all we can do, and we have a pretty good shot between hitting O-2, and B2B IUIs with lots of follies and plenty of swimmers!   Please let this be lucky #3 for us!

Spermination, The First

I went in for monitoring yesterday morning and all I can think is, holy follies, batman!  

They gave me the Ovidrel shot while I was there, and I did a little happy dance for the last injection of the cycle, hooray!  I have to say, I was a little with that many follies, I was hoping for 3-4, but the RE was happy and confident with my report.  She also said that apparently 75% of mature follies actually contain eggs - I had no idea about that!  Then she also said they aren't all likely to be good quality, and obviously are not all likely to fertilize.  So what we do know is we have lots of targets!

H & I went in this morning for IUI#3, part 1.  It was busy in there this morning, so it was a little slower than usual, but it was still fine.  H did his thing, I had my b/w and u/s.  The tech did a crappy job with the b/w again this morning, right when she stuck me I immediately felt a tingly sensation in my wrist and forearm.  She was more apologetic this time than the last time, I guess that's something...?  Anyways, we did our usual Timmy's date while waiting to go back to the clinic for the spermination portion of the morning.

I made extra sure to verify it was H's sample, the waiting room was full today, I'm not taking any chances, haha!   As usual, H's numbers were awesome - post wash was >100 mil, >80% motility.  I'm feeling ok for the most part.  The RE did tell me I could take some tylenol tonight if I need to because I guess with all those follies, she's thinking I could have some serious O pains.  She also recommended I drink Powerade to help with the bloat.  Apparently if I'm feeling crampy and shitty tomorrow, there is a medication they can give that helps simmer your ovaries down - who knew?!  It's a good option, but she did say it was pricey, and since this cycle is already a $2000 bill...we'll see, hopefully it's not that bad and I can just tough it out. 

So spermination the first, down, spermination part two tomorrow!  PLEASE let me get the bestest birthday present ever this month! 

Counting the hours

Until H gets home!  His flight lands around dinner time and I am so beyond excited to see him.  It was a very hard week, and even harder without him.  I missed him like crazy, and so did Abby, I can't wait to see her when he gets home - those reunions are pretty amazing!  Not to mention it's feeling like -28 again out there this morning, I am missing having a partner to help with puppy duty!  Let's just say he owes me a couple ;)

I had a monitoring appt on Friday and everything was looking good.  After 3 days of stims I had a 16,12,11 and some smaller ones.  The office called in the afternoon and dropped my Puregon dose over the weekend to half, so 75 Puregon and maintaining 10  Lupron.  I went back in this morning for another check and now have two 18s,16,13.  I stopped stims today but did another 10 Lupron.  I go back tomorrow for a check and trigger, then IUI will be Wed and Thurs.  I am really happy for H that he has at least one day after getting back before I place my demands on him, haha!

So we are imminently about to go for IUI#3 and I just keep praying that this will be our cycle.  I am trying not to focus on the fact that this is my last shot before I turn 30, I'm trying to not focus on the very limited number of 2014 due dates left, I am trying to just focus some positive energy into this cycle and praying for a different outcome.