Should have known better...

But I didn't, and I let myself get all hopeful for this cycle.  Our last cycle before treatment.  I let myself think, "Well maybe this will be it!  We'll be those people who are just about to start treatment and bam!  Pregnant on our own."  I had ended up ovulating on our 2nd wedding anniversary - it just seemed like such a good sign.  Clearly that is not our story.  So yesterady, at 12DPO my temp was up so I tested - BFN.  As the day went along, I started having a little spotting.  And I knew.  I just knew what was coming.  H was gone most of yesterday and I had too much time to wallow, and eat freshly baked cookies.  I did a little of this:

And then a little of this:

We really can't do this on our own.  We really need some help if we want to get pregnant.  I'm still having a crappy start to the day, as it shapes up to be CD1 here, but I think I will try to focus on moving forward today, "try being the operative word.  I will call the RE's office and leave a message as soon as AF really arrives.  I should be going for CD3 b/w and u/s on Tuesday and then we'll get this show on the road.

Cycle 15, I never imagined I would see you and still have this ache in my heart, but alas, here we are.

State of the union...no wait, just my uterus

11DPO.  My boobs are killing me.  I have not had any spotting (yet) today.  This is extremely odd for me by this point in my cycle.  I have a feeling it's just messing with my mind, but there's this tiny little hope that our Hail Mary cycle (before starting treatment) could be it.  But it could just as easily be another cycle that tricked me into believing it's possible.  Trying to stay optimistic but realistic is much easier said than done.

Yet another 2WW...

I'm currently 9DPO and most of my hope and optimism for this cycle has vanished, as it usually does around this time.  I just don't see it ending any other way then the last 13 cycles.  Of course it would be amazing to get a BFP and not need to pursue treatment, I just don't think our luck is that good.  My temp is staying up, just enough to let the doubt creep in, but when I use the chart overlay, it looks pretty much like all the others.

Hopeful:

Less hopeful:

At this point, it is what it is, so I all I can do is wait - clearly something I excel at (note the sarcasm font).  I do feel better about having a plan in place with Dr. R for if/when AF arrives.  

Meeting with Dr. R

I can't explain how relieved I feel.  I just got back from an appt with Dr. R and am feeling so much more informed and optimistic.  I think I love this man, haha.  He is such a nice old Irish man, he tells it like it is, I didn't feel like I was being rushed out the door at all.  He went over the results again quickly, commented on H's "super sperm", again saying what good numbers he had, and said everything else looked good.  Once he was up to speed, he was curious about what brought me in.  So I told him I was concerned about moving forward with treatment and/or fertility drugs without having an HSG, or a similar test.  He talked about how they do a sonohysterogram rather than the HSG - he even paused and repeated it so I could write it down.  Then without any prompting from me, he said we'll do that next cycle.  I breathed a sigh of relief and explained that after seeing Dr. C last time, I had the impression we were not looking at doing that for a few cycles and I was concerned about that plan.  He defended her in a sense, saying that it's not a totally uncommon recommendation, but he had no problem with us doing it next cycle.  I was worried I was going to have to fight harder, or really stand up for myself by "demanding" it, so I was really happy that he just mentioned casually we'll be doing that next cycle.  So the plan is to start with a conservative dose (not certain yet) of Femara and have the SHG next cycle.  I am so much more at ease with this plan, I feel like I was listened to, things were explained to me, I feel like they are being thorough - overall, I'm feeling good about our plan again.

As for right now, I am 3DPO, we had good timing with all that anniversary sex. I knew I needed my temp this morning, and on time, to get my CH.  Normally that's fine, but since I was upgrading my phone to IOS7 late last night, and then things went awry, I ended up going to bed while my phone was downstairs still syncing.  That's my alarm and my flashlight to read the BBT.  Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure the batteries are dying.  At any rate, I got my temp and got my CH - mini victories.  I'm not getting my hopes up this cycle but I feel really good about having a plan in place when/should AF arrive.

Two Years

Today I am going to put aside all of the crap that life has recently thrown my way and just be happy.  Two years ago today, I married the love of my life.  Looking back, it seems both so long ago, and yet also like it was just yesterday.  I know it sounds so cliche, but it really was the happiest day of my life.  Going through IF and my family drama lately makes me so much more grateful for the wonderful man that I have found as my partner in life.  He is good and kind, smart and funny, compassionate and loving.  He makes me smile with just a passing thought of him, he makes me laugh until my sides hurt, he makes me feel more loved than I ever dreamed possible.  Today I remember just how lucky I am to have found my other half.  So I'm going to take a little stroll down memory lane, and any time my mind starts to wander back to all of the shit I have to deal with, I will bring myself back to here, at least for today.

  

   

   

I, Jen, choose you, "H", to be my husband

I promise to always believe in you and believe in us as we grow together

I promise to be faithful and honest with you, and to always love you the way you are

I promise to always stand beside you before life’s challenges, for together we can overcome anything

These things I promise to you, always and forever.

Too Much

I feel like I'm drowning.  You know how people often say, "When it rains, it pours", well it's been raining so hard it feels like a flood.  I have been having a lot of tough IF days recently.  I really thought I would feel so much better once we started with the RE, but I'm finding myself grieving for the way I thought this would go.  I thought TTC would be fun.  I thought I'd get pregnant on my own. I thought I knew how to be my own advocate.  I thought a lot of things that aren't really playing out as I had planned.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around all day every day, but I've had a lot of moments where it just hits me that this all really sucks.

The situation with my parents seems to have come to a head, and it's not good.  He wants out.  After a 40 year relationship, he's ready to call it quits.  I am fuming mad at him, I am angry that he's breaking up our family, I'm angry that he didn't even seem to try, to put in any effort to work on making things better.  I'm heart broken for my mom who has been trying so hard to fight for their marriage.  I can't imagine 40 years from now being in love with my husband and willing to do anything and everything to keep it going and for him to just say, "I don't want this anymore".  I have looked at their relationship with love and admiration for years.  They have not had it easy.  My father has had more than his fair share of health issues, I have seen them pull through what I thought were the worst times for our family.  I don't understand how they can make it through all of that and he's still just willing to walk away?  H & I are trying to hard to start our family and yet my family is crumbling into pieces.  I can't believe I'm even writing all of this here, but I can't bear to say these words out loud but I feel like I'll explode if I keep it all inside.

I am devastated.  I could really use a break at some point here because this is all feeling like too much to handle.  I just want H to come home so I can curl up in his arms while he tells me it's all going to be ok.  This is going to be a long afternoon...

10 Words

Someone posted this on TB today, it was a really good read for me.  I want to share it, but I also want to link it somewhere so I can go back and read it again when I need a reminder.

10 Words That Describe Infertility
http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

Stolen from TB - Monday Bitchfest

This is me right now.  It's barely past noon and I'm feeling all confused in my head.  When we saw our RE's partner on Friday, we discussed the HSG, because I asked about it.  (They don't do an HSG per se, but rather a colour doppler, saline u/s or something - like I said, she rushed and didn't give me much time to write things down or clarify things).  She gave me a laundry list of reasons we don't need to do it right now - all of my other tests (lots of b/w and a few u/s) came back good, she asked about pelvic or bowel surgery in my history, STIs, etc.  I have none of those so she said there really aren't any risk factors so they absolutely don't think it's necessary right now.  She said if we do Femara and TI for a couple of cycles (2-3) with no luck, then they'd look at doing it.  In talking about it with other ladies who are far more knowledgeable than I about this stuff, it's sounding like I need to call and insist on having it done.  This pisses me off on a few levels.  It makes me question the clinic (which I've liked up until now, it's close by and my GP really recommended Dr. R), it makes me feel like the plan still needs to be altered, and it annoys me that I asked point blank about the test twice and then she still somehow managed to convince me, for a time, that we can proceed as planned.  I'm going to call on my lunch and ask some questions, see what Dr. R has to say and hopefully get this booked.  I have no idea what this all might cost, but I'm more afraid of the potential cost of me not insisting.

To make matters worse, I can't get into this in much detail right now, but my parents are not in a good place, haven't been for a while, and I'm worried they may be calling it quits.  I'm 29, I know there are lots of divorced people out there, but this breaks my heart.  I'm kind of on my mom's side in that I don't think she's being unreasonable at all, she's the one still willing to work on this, my dad doesn't seem to want to put in any effort.  I am so close to both of my parents, H & I are there every Sunday for dinner, we all get along super well.  I don't want to get into this any more, I just can't right now, but needless to say, it's helping with the jumble of crap that's running through my head.  Is it Friday yet??

Finally Friday!

After much anticipation and anxiety, Friday finally arrived!!  H & I met at the RE's office for our 11:15am appt.  Our regular RE is on vacation so we knew our appt was with his partner at the clinic, Dr. C, who we had not met prior to this appt.  Great first impression - she kept us waiting for 45 mins.  To a stressed out couple waiting for test results, let me tell you, we were not impressed.  I know it's a doctor's office, but are you kidding me, that's just ridiculous.  Anyways, when she finally came in to see us, she went through a shitload of test results.  All of my tests came back good, yay!  My TSH level came back at 2.05, even lower than a few months ago, so that was good to hear.  They had also done an u/s of my thyroid, which also came back normal.  Then we moved on to H.  I knew he was stressed about his SA results.  Dr. C says, "You're results came back and they're amazing!  Have you considered donating?" to which we all laughed, then H looked at me like, "That was a joke, right??"  His numbers were fantastic, she made another comment about how good the results were, and I know we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.  All of the rest of his results also came back all clear.  Yay - cue happy dance!!!

I have to admit, I didn't particularly like Dr. C.  She was 45 mins late, then rushed through our appt in 15mins, didn't give me a chance to ask all of my questions, I felt like she rushed us out of there, which didn't sit well with me.  Maybe this is all routine for you, but this is new and scary for us, I feel like she could have been more compassionate and understanding of our feelings of anxiety and confusion.  We're both hoping Dr. R is done with vacations for a while so we can work with him, rather than Dr. C going forward.

So the plan is for me to call the office on CD1 (which I'm anticipating to be the beginning of Oct), I'll go in and do my CD3 b/w and u/s.  They are looking at starting me on Femara or Letrozole (I believe that's what she said).  She initially said the would start me on tablets, to which I pursued it further by asking if she meant Clomid or something.  She said they haven't used Clomid in 16 years, they much prefer to go with either Femara or Letrozole.  She said they had fewer side effects, lower chance of multiples, and some other reasons that I can't remember but sounded good, she talked really fast!  So, we have a plan and we're moving forward, AND we don't have any additional hurdles in our way!  This is pretty much what I was hoping to hear - Dr. R said last time my chart showed crappy ovulation, which I'm still trying to learn exactly what that means, but we didn't want to find any other issues to deal with.  I call that a mini victory!

In....and out...

Deep breaths, obviously - get your mind out of the gutter, as my mother would say!  lol

Sorry for losing it yesterday, I was maxing out on stress in my personal life and work, and it just got so overwhelming.  Getting stuck working an extra 2 hours, with my pup waiting downstairs for me, when my boss just left me hanging made me stabby and I needed to rant.

Friday is finally almost here, and I have the day off work tomorrow.  I have my puppy back home.  I am trying to focus on the positive.  When my mind starts to wander, I try to remind myself to just breathe and focus on the good and not get ahead of myself.  Hopefully I can channel a little of this:

I just wanted to thank my awesome interwebz friends for being there for me.  I am so grateful for the friendships we've formed, you help me feel not so alone in all of this.  I am truly grateful for the support, encouragement, laughs and words of wisdom and kindness.  Thank you.

Anxious

I can't even identify all of the reasons for it, but for the last few days, I feel like I am in over drive.  I am so anxious and stressed about everything.  I know this stems from some serious anxiety about our doctor's appt on Friday.  I suck at waiting patiently, I want to know now, damnit!  I think H's freak out didn't help calm my nerves, and I won't fault him for it, and I won't tell him this, otherwise he probably will keep more to himself, which I don't want.  I just want Friday to get here so I can get some info and hopefully a plan that makes me feel better, like we're doing something.

The second big stressor this week for me was my puppy's surgery - she got spayed yesterday.  It's a good thing she didn't know what was coming, I've been more than anxious enough for the both of us!  I feel so much better now that she's back home, I missed her while she was away yesterday!

And now all I want to do is go hang out with her downstairs but I'm stuck up in my office working late!  (I'm logged into someone's computer so I can't take it downstairs with me).  I realize this isn't a huge deal, but because I'm already stressed, this is making me feel crazy!  I'm watching a copy and paste that is taking too fucking long!  See?  See how crazy I am today??  And that's just one example, it's taken next to nothing for me to feel like I'm unraveling this week.  Glad I work from home - yesterday there was a point I was logged into 4 computers trying to fix them, had 6 voicemails to return, plus my inbox.  I started to tear up, cursed loudly, then remembered how shitty it would be to work in an office and NOT be able to do that.  

I just need Friday to come, to finish work and snuggle with my poor cone-wearing pup, and chill the fuck out.  Deep breaths....