Ok, I'm a chicken...

The weekend was awesome, even if the weather didn't cooperate most of the time, it was nice to get out of the city and up to the cottage.  Abby had an amazing time playing in the lake, it was so cute to see her splashing around and swimming!  She's only 6 months, so while she loves the water, she's still "new" at this.  I was pretty impressed with how well she did!  I'm a proud puppy mama, so here's a little snipit (I am yelling to her, you may want to turn off your speaker!):

I, on the other hand, not as much.  There were a number of times I could have talked to my mom, but in those moments, although I'd been over it and over it in my head, I just couldn't seem to find the right words.  So I didn't spill the beans, and I think I'm ok with that for now.  Perhaps once we've seen the specialist and I have something to actually tell her besides, "We're having trouble".

In other news, cycle 12 ended the same as all the others did, not that I'm surprised since our timing this month wasn't great.  Because we were on vacation, I didn't temp or even bring any OPKs, I just needed to get away from it all.  I thought I noticed some FW signs and sort of guessed when I O'd, so I was also guessing when to expect AF.  Turns out, that would be this morning, making that my shortest cycle ever at 27 days.  Just when you think you start to get a sense of the "usual" or your "normal", something reminds you that you don't know jack.  So, on to cycle 13 - le sigh.  I'm wishing our appt was sooner, but with upcoming work stuff, and just getting back from vacation, I don't think that's a good option.  So, waiting again.  Waiting to O.  Waiting to see the doctor.  Waiting....

I think I'll go listen to some Mumford now.

The Talk

I am heading out of town this weekend with the pup to go up to beautiful Muskoka and hang out at my uncle's cottage.  For most of the weekend, it will be just my parents, me and both of our pups.  I've been thinking a lot about having The Talk with my mom.

While we were away on vacation, she "casually" mentioned in an email that when she was out west, she was 3 months pregnant with my brother, nudge, nudge.  I brushed it off, but if you read my blog, you may remember this post, in which I am very well aware of that.  A few days later, she texted me that she had a wonderful dream in which I was pregnant.  I know she doesn't know what we've been dealing with and doesn't mean anything by it, but every comment like that just feels like a punch to the gut.  So now that we have been at this for more than a year, and we have an appointment booked with a specialist, I'm thinking of telling her what's going on.  Honestly, mostly I just want to ask her to quit it with the comments and quips - which she wouldn't make if she knew that it hurt me.  So, either I'll post with an update on how that conversation goes, or I'll post about how I chickened out.  Wish me luck!  

A Step Forward

I just got back from seeing my GP - my ultrasound results all came back normal, so that was good to hear.  Then she gave me a referral to a specialist - appointment is now set for August 16th.

I am somewhat happy to have an appointment set so we can move forward, but the other part of me is just sad that we need an appointment.  Seeing "Infertility" written on all the papers from my doctor, right there in black and white just feels so.....I don't really know how to label what I'm feeling right now.  Sad?  Happy?  Disappointed?  Scared?  Anxious?  Wanting information but afraid to get it?  Or some word that means a combination of all of those things.

Canadian Rockies, I love you!

We just got back from vacation on Saturday and what a trip it was!  I didn't realize how much I needed this vacation, but it really came at just the right time.  It was the first time in a year that I couldn't tell you what CD I was on, and you know what, it was kind of awesome.  I'm pretty sure I just O'd and our timing would not leave me hopeful - we flew home Sat, both of our parents were over for dinner and bringing home our puppy, who we missed immensely!!!  Then Sunday was the funeral service for H's grandmother - it was a really wonderful tribute to such an amazing woman.

I'm going to focus on vacation in this post, because it freakin' rocked!  I am in complete awe of the beauty of the Rockies, I ran out of adjectives trying to describe the sheer amazingness that was all around me.  It was a tiring trip - we put 2300km on our rental car in 2 weeks - we did a little driving ;)  We started in Calgary, went to the Stampede for the day/evening - for those in the GTA, it's like the CNE but for cowboys!  We left there and went to Banff.  Wow.  Then we headed to the backcountry (I am not a camper or hiker, so keep that in mind!) and camped at Lake O'Hara for 2 nights.  We did two day hikes while we were there - Lake Oesa and Lake McArthur.  Here are a few pics:

 

 

                                  

I should mention, I have a travel buddy, Molson the very Canadian Moose, he has been all over the world with me.  With the insanity leading up to our departure, I arrived out west and realized I had forgot him!  I was pretty annoyed with myself, but decided maybe it was a good time to get Molson a little friend.  Introducing Barry the Beaver!  You may see him pop up here and there, he's an attention whore ;)

Then we went back to explore more of the Banff/Lake Louise/Moraine Lake area.  We did a day hike up to the Little Beehive, that's my first summit :)  I'm happy about it now, but I was cursing H on the way up!  LOL

                         

Lake Louise

 

Lake Agnes

                            

 



Then we got to Moraine Lake and saw this guy come strolling out of the trees!  Up, that's a young grizzly like 5ft in front of our car!

 

We then drove out to Kelowna, BC for some warm weather and wine tasting!  It was nice to finally be warm - the mountains were a little on the chilly side!  Thank goodness for fleece :)  From there we hightailed it north to Mt. Robson, the highest peak in the Canadian Rockies.  It was incredible!  We did another day hike around here and camped for a few nights.

                    

We continued along the Icefields Parkway, said to be one of the most beautiful drives in the world - it didn't disappoint!  Plus we saw a black bear!

       

          

 



We did another hike called Parkers Ridge which was spectacluar!  You get an awesome view of the Saskatchewan Glacier, it really feels like you're on top of the world!

                       

     

We had such an incredible time, I really needed this time away from everything.  Now it's Monday and back to the grind.  The only good part about coming home this time was seeing our puppy!  I can't believe how much we missed her, we had a wonderful reunion - she certainly gave us an awesome welcome home!  Ok, I should stop slacking since it's my first day back at work :P

Gone but never forgotten

About an hour ago, I was sitting at my desk, trying to help diffuse TB drama and hoping that it will be a quiet day on the phones, since it's the 4th of July and I assume many US clients won't be working today.  I was caught up in petty and mundane thoughts....and then my phone rang.  I look down and see my MIL's name on the caller ID.  I hesitate before answering, knowing why she's calling before I even pick up the phone.  Mia is gone.  She passed peacefully around 10:30am with both of her daughters by her side, after more than a week of wonderful visits with family and friends.  My MIL tried to reach H but I think he's been in a meeting all morning, so when I spoke to her, he didn't yet know.  Although I'm going to bet when he sees a missed call from both of his parents and a text to call his mom, he'll know.  H is stoic, he's not an openly emotional man, none of the men in that family are.  I know that he is hurting and I want to be there for him, to be strong for him and to tell him over and over again how much I love him.  I wish he were here so I could hold him and kiss him and just be together.

It's a very bittersweet feeling.  On the one hand, I am happy for Mia that she went peacefully, that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, that she is now with her husband who passed away in November.  I am happy for her because I do believe she's in a better place now.  On the other hand, I can't imagine what my MIL is going through, I don't even want to imagine.  My heart aches for her and the void that Mia will undoubtedly leave there.  I'm sad for my husband and BIL who just lost their last surviving grandparent.  I'm sad that I have lost a woman who is so very special to me, a surrogate grandmother, if you will.  I'm so sorry my children will never get a chance to meet this amazing woman.  I love Mia dearly, and I really am happy that she's in a better place, but my heart hurts.

**Cry Baby Alert**

Yup, that's right, I'm being a big cry baby.  Well, actually today my eyes still feel a bit swollen from my cry baby, pity party yesterday.  CD1 officially came this morning, but I knew yesterday I was out.  My temp had dipped a bit when I temped yesterday morning at 5:30am but it was still up.  I tried to fall back asleep but couldn't so I got up and, being a glutton for punishment, I took a test.  BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE.  And since I got up and moved around, my nose started running and coughing ensued; that, plus the BFN made it pretty hard to fall back asleep, but I eventually did.  (Did I mention I have had a nasty cold for almost a week now?  When it rains, it pours.)  Throughout the day there was a lot of spotting and I just knew we were out.  Again.  I can't lie, I had a few moments throughout the day, that I kept fairly well hidden, that I just burst into tears.  We hit our one year TTC anniversary last month, today means we are officially on cycle 12 and moving into month 13.

I no longer believe this is just going to happen for us.  I have never even had to question an HPT, they've always been stark white, not even a hint.  I feel like I'm going crazy at times.  Like I want to say, "That's it, I'm not going through this anymore, screw it".  But that's not really an option, I have no choice but to keep going through this, over and over again.  It's the only way we'll get the family we so desperately want.  And I want that more than anything.

This CD1 blows for a number of reasons.  Besides the fact it's another cycle, cycle 12, month 13, I will not have a baby before I turn 30 in March.  I know deadlines like this seem silly, but I never imagined when we got started that we wouldn't have a baby by the time I was 30, and now that's the reality.  I never imagined (many months back) that our baby wouldn't meet Mia, and that's not going to happen.  I really wanted to take that picture on our vacation (in this post) like my parents took when my mom was 3 months pregnant; we leave on Sunday, so that's not going to happen either.  All of these deadlines that I had in my head are all coming and going, and still no baby, not even the promise of a baby.  My SIL & BIL are planning to start TTC#2 and as stupid as it sounds (and I know, I've read enough posts like this on TB), I can't help but feel like we're going to get lapped.  It's not so much that I really want to have a baby before her, it's more about how it highlights how long this is taking us.  Today, I hate TTC, I hate this process, I hate my body for not doing the one thing I was really counting on it to do, and I hate the way this process makes me feel - powerless, out of control, helpless, a deep longing for what I can't seem to get, and a sadness that is getting harder to pretend isn't there.

My mom is my best friend and I can't believe I have managed to not tell her any of this.  I wanted to surprise her with the news that I'm pregnant.  I lied to her last week about my u/s (we had plans after) - I told her I had to go for bloodwork about my thyroid, because I didn't want to have to tell her about why I really went for an u/s.  H suggested that maybe I tell her the truth, but there was this little voice saying, "But maybe this cycle is the one and I'd hate to tell her we're having trouble if I could get a BFP in a few days" - yeah, that was a likely scenario.  I am thinking about talking to her, maybe once we're back from vacation and I see my doctor and figure out where we go next, maybe with a little more information, maybe I'll talk to her.  I just feel so alone.

If you made it through this ridiculous and pitiful post, kudos to you, or you're bored and avoiding work, which is cool too.  I did give you an alert at the top, it's not my fault if you didn't heed the warning!  We went to a BBQ this weekend and I made these: No Bake Reeses Peanut Butter bars so I will consume the leftovers tonight.  They got great reviews, except that we all agreed it could really use more of a crust to help keep it together a little better - maybe a nice graham cracker crust or something.  In any event, they taste delicious and I'm happy there were some leftovers!