I'm FREEEEE!!!!!!!!!

From our bi-annual tradeshow, that is.  I have been attending and working at these tradeshows since I was about 13 or 14.  I grew up in the industry (wholesale) working at my uncle and my dad's company, so I've been doing this a long time, in a couple different capacities.  I used to be a vendor, so our company would go and set up a booth and retailers come and place orders.  Now, I work for a small software company and we go to provide IT support to our clients who have booth space and use our program to scan and place their orders.  Generally speaking, I like attending these shows.  They are long and tiring days, but I get to see people I haven't seen in 6 months since the last show, and I get to meet people I talk to on the phone regularly, it's always nice to put a face to a name.  In all these years, this was probably the first time I was really dreading going because of all of the personal family drama.  Tradeshows have always been a "me and my dad" thing, it's just ours.  We would bore my mom and H talking shop, it's always been something special that we share.  I would look forward to stopping by his booth, bringing him a Timmy's in the morning, chatting about how the show's going, who's he's seen and run into, etc.  This was not the case this year.  I spent the show actively avoiding him, feeling super anxious about running into him - it was a first, and it was awful.  I should take a step back.

My family drama is....practically a soap opera.  I honestly cannot believe that this is my life, my family, my parents.  In the last month, a lot of shit has come out, things my father has done, the many, many lies he has told.  It is heartbreaking to think about my dad and realize he is not the person I thought he was.  I wrote a post about my dad on Father's Day last year, and now I am not even sure who this person is.  I always valued that he was honest, has integrity, valued his family - and now I can't say that is true.  I think this might be the end of my parents, after 40 years of marriage.  I am sick about it all.  I am really close to my parents, like H and I used to go for Sunday dinners every week, we enjoyed hanging out with them, we all got along so well.  And now my family is falling apart, my mom is a mess, I have no idea how I will ever repair the relationship with my father.  And all of this is happening while I am doing everything in my power to start my family.  It is confusing and hurtful and it is adding so much stress and anxiety to my life right now, I'm honestly having a hard time figuring out how to process and deal with all of this.  I feel like my life is so far out of my control, and that terrifies a control freak like me.

So this week was maxing out on work stress, amplified by avoiding my dad, dealing with my parents shit and starting a new cycle.  Here we are, cycle 19!  I am on day three of injects now, we are doing the same protocol as last cycle since it really did go so well....right until the end, of course.  10 units of Lupron and 150 units of Puregon and I will go back in tomorrow to see how those follies are coming along.  I was super excited that it looks like I should have enough Lupron left from last cycle to get me through this one - that is a good victory when you're OOP!  It's, of course, not the more expensive drug, but I'll take what I can get!  I was really worried about having side effects like I did last cycle, and more so having them during the show.  I am super happy to have made it through the show, I had a couple moments of nausea but it passed.  I half expected to wake up feeling sick this morning, what a pleasant surprise to wake up and feel ok!  Knock on wood, let's not jinx it, I'm not done yet.  Let's hope for a good appt tomorrow!

It's a new day and a new cycle

First, I want to say a very heartfelt thank you to my friends, readers and stalkers for the outpouring of love and support after our failed IUI cycle.  It was a really hard on both of us, but it meant the world to me to know you ladies have my back, it really helped me feel like I'm not alone in all of this, so thank you.

It was a rough week, we thoroughly enjoyed our two-nighter pity party - I swear my H is the most amazing husband and partner.  The day we got the call about our very negative beta, H shows up home early from work so I wouldn't be alone with this:

That man knows the way to my heart!  Flowers, brie and fresh baguette, multiple chocolate options, wine and my favourite vodka coolers.  He is a keeper!

We have been talking a lot about moving forward, we're into Cycle 19, IUI#2 here.  Being OOP has added a whole other level to how unfair IF is.  I'm grateful we have built up our savings, we thought it would be for when we have a baby, not in order to try and have a baby, but at least we have some money saved so we can pursue treatments, which I know is not the case for everyone.  It's infuriating that finances have to even come into this very personal, very emotional conversation at all.  I would like to talk to our clinic to inquire about what their IVF cycles cost, etc.  I am not getting ahead of myself, but being OOP, we want to make sure we're doing the best we can each cycle, and unfortunately there's a little cost-benefit that has to take place.  If #2 fails also, do we pay another $2000-$3000 to try a third IUI, at what point do we put our money toward IVF?  I'm a planner, and especially since finance will play a serious role here, we'd like to know what is down the road so we can be sure to plan accordingly.

Today is a new day, Cycle 19 is officially on the go.  Today I am getting my game face on so I can be ready to do this all over again.  I may try to go in for monitoring on CD5 which would be after our tradeshow, hopefully the clinic is ok with that, it would make my life so much easier next week if I can swing that.

...and counting

I was way too hopeful about this cycle.  First cycle on injects, which hated me (damn nausea) but I responded really well.  I ovulated 3 eggs - THREE.  H's post wash was over 190 million, over 90% motility.  Everything (except the miscommunication about B2B IUIs) went as perfect as I could have hoped this cycle.  I did not hold out on testing, I caved yesterday and tested at 12DPO.  BFN.  I spent the day pretty upset, I was pretty sure I knew where this was going to end up.  But I kept looking at the stats of early HPT accuracy and tried to cling to a modicum of hope that it was just too early.  H has been so hopeful, so optimistic this cycle.

I went for b/w this morning.  Technically it was supposed to be tomorrow, but after yesterday, I just want to know already.  Plus if we're out, I want to stop progesterone now, I've heard it can take a couple of days for AF to arrive after you stop.  So in I went this morning, clinging tightly to that tiny little glimmer of hope.  Then back home to try and not stare at the clock for 3 hours.  Thanks for helping to distract me Meat ;)
I just called and spoke to the nurse.  You'd think that expecting the worst, having heard it/seen it 18 times, I would have been better prepared, but damn it stung to hear, "Sorry J, but it's not good news today".

I am so lost.  I really believed this would be our cycle.  3 targets, tons of sperm, awesome cycle and still nothing.  What more are we supposed to do?  And if they can't figure out why it won't work, even with an almost perfect cycle, how are we supposed to believe it will work next time?  $2000, a dozen shots, half a dozen monitoring appts, a week of nausea and feeling shitty as a side effect and now all I can think is, I have to do this all over again.  It doesn't help that this Sunday starts 4 of the craziest days of the year at work, I have to be on site at a tradeshow, on my game, proving support to customers in their most stressful time.  I just hope I don't have to start injects until toward the end of the show, because I can't imagine feeling like I did while being in that environment.

H keeps telling me not to get ahead of myself, and I'm trying, but it's so hard to keep the negative thoughts away.  Will this ever happen?  Will I ever know the joy of seeing two pink lines?  Will I ever get to experience the miracle that is pregnancy?  Will I ever get to feel my baby kick?  Will any of these treatments work?  How much of our savings is this going to cost us?  How much more heartache and disappointment can I, and can we, take?  What choice do I have though, I'm not ready to give up.

Fuck you IF and your fucking roller coaster of disappointment.  Fuck you, perfect cycle, for making me believe that this was our cycle, that we'd start off 2014 on a good note.  And while I'm at it, fuck my family drama that is ongoing and causing me so much heartbreak, I do not know how to deal with all of this shit at once.  I feel like I'm drowning in a world of hurt, disappointment, pain and longing.  I really needed something to go my way, something to go right.  Something to help me remember to hold on, it's all going to be ok in the end.  It's hard to believe that today.  I hope I will again soon, but today, I'm just not ok and I honestly don't know if it will be ok in the end.  And that's terrifying.

Nineteen on the Nineteenth

19 months and counting.  IUI #1 beta is on Wed.  I am hopeful one minute, expecting the worst the next.  After 19 months of BFNs, it's so hard to even imagine a different ending.

We went to H's work holiday party last night.  We got to dress up and go have a really nice dinner (and open bar) and dancing party to celebrate his company's 20th anniversary.  I was sort of looking forward to going, I like his work functions, there are some really great people.  I was even happier when I put on a cocktail dress I haven't worn for a while and it still fit perfectly!  We had a really great time last night!  My feet were killing me by the end of the night, I love dancing and spent a good chunk of the evening out there on the dance floor, getting the party going.  H is not much of a dancer, but I was pleasantly surprised by how often I got him out there (thank you open bar!).  I had a few moments throughout the evening where I was feeling a little queasy, but it didn't last too long.  And strangely for me, I got flushed a few times, like hot flashes.  By the time we got home, and H had enjoyed the open bar (one of us had to!) he was convinced that I am pregnant this cycle.  On one hand, it is so sweet to hear his hopeful optimism, but on the other, if this is yet another BFN, I feel like not only will I be hugely disappointed, he will too.

I am hoping and praying I can make that 19 months PERIOD and ditch the "and counting" part.

Abby's First Birthday

I can't believe my pup is one year old already!!  Happy birthday, Miss Abby girl!!!  I can't even put into words how much love and laughter Abby has brought into our home.  I am grateful every day for her.
*While it drives me nuts that having it this size runs over into the margin, the smaller one was too small, didn't allow me to AW my pup enough :)

Waiting...

This is my favourite waiting gif, I love The Dude!  

I am now 5dpIUI #1 and just waiting.  No, that's a lie, normally I'm just waiting, this 2ww I am using progesterone suppositories for the first time.  It's awesome and super sexy, let me tell you!  I have learned that doing the right before bed is not a good idea; I realized this when I woke up at 4am with the feeling I had peed my pants.  That was super awesome.  At least I have learned from that (there are few silver linings I can find when talking about shoving stuff up my vag indefinitely, at least at this point!).

It was H's birthday this weekend and it was really nice that he was actually here for it!  He is often overseas on a business trip, he has spent many birthdays alone in foreign countries.  We went up to see my ILs on Sat and spent the night.  My BIL, SIL & nephew were there, plus H's aunt.  I love my ILs, I consider myself exceptionally lucky in this respect.  However, SIL is now 30 weeks along and of course she wants to talk about her pregnancy, preparing the baby's room, making plans for nephew and baby, taking mat leave, etc.  I totally understand all of this.  I would want to be talking about all of that too.  But on a walk with Abby, H & I were talking about how it's great that we have shared our IF struggles with them, so they know, but they don't really know.  I know they mean well, I know they want this to happen for us, but I don't think they realize how every time SIL mentions feeling the baby move, or shopping for the new crib feels like a punch to the gut.  I guess you really can't understand this journey unless you've been down this road, and I wouldn't want that for anyone.  We are 6 days shy of hitting 19 months, there is no way that someone who hasn't been here could possibly understand the range of emotions that accompanies IF.  So it was great to see them, but then it was great to leave, there is only so long I can smile and nod, or come up with nonchalant ways to excuse myself from the pregnancy related conversations without looking rude.

I find myself just saying over and over, "please let this be our cycle".  This is the most hopeful I have felt, we tried lots of new stuff (drugs & IUI), we threw everything we could at this cycle, I feel like it's our best shot at getting pregnant yet.  And all of that makes me worry that I'm getting too hopeful.  I need to keep a level head, there's no guarantees in this process and there's a real chance I'll have to do this all over again.  But today, I look at my four leaf clover charm from my dear friend Chickin and hope and pray that this will be our cycle.

Miscommunication

I was feeling pretty good about everything yesterday after the IUI.  I had some mild cramping but it was really no big deal.  I was really hoping that I would get a good night sleep and not wake up feeling pukey.  Wrong!  At least I got an extra half hour of sleep before the nausea woke me up.  Please let this pass, and soon would be nice!  I'm not even knocked up yet, there is no reason I should be having nausea every freaking morning this week!  I have consumed so much gingerale it's ridiculous.  Deep breath.

I went to the clinic this morning - I have been in every business day since Friday, I am looking forward to a break, a day without a needle sounds wonderful!  I wasn't really sure what they wanted me for this morning, I was guessing to confirm O or check my levels.  I get there at my usual time (half hour later than we went yesterday) and I say hi to the girls at the front desk, joke about how they've seen more of me this week than probably anyone else!  Then the conversation with one of the receptionists goes like this:

Receptionist: "Where's your husband?"
Me: "On his way to work...?"
Receptionist: "Do you have his sample?"
Me: "No, we did the IUI yesterday"
Receptionist: "Hang on a minute.  Don't panic yet"
Wait for a few minutes while obviously starting to panic!  Nurse comes over.
Nurse: "We do back to back days of IUI, so he should have come this morning to do it again"
Me: "What??  Nobody told me that!  They just told me to come back tomorrow"
Nurse: "Well that's why there's two sperm washes"
Me: "I didn't know that meant we did the whole things twice, I just thought that was part of the process of getting the sample ready.  Nobody told us it was two days in a row"
Nurse: "Don't worry, let me get Dr. C"

So Dr. C comes over and explains that they typically do two days of IUI.  She assured me not to panic, everything is fine.  She sent me for my u/s to see if I had ovulated yet.  It looks like I have, so they told me to do TI tonight and that should be fine.  Thankfully H has a great sperm count and no issues, so she said TI should be totally fine.  Then I'm supposed to start progesterone suppositories tomorrow night.

Ok, there's nothing we can do about it now, but did no one think that was a pretty important thing to get across to us?  I asked Dr. R on Monday how the IUI goes, since it is new for us, he gave me the run down of what happened yesterday, but there was never a mention of doing it twice, not on Monday, and not yesterday.  I texted H after to see if he got any sense that we were supposed to do it again today, he said definitely not.  They even looked at me yesterday and said "we'll see you back tomorrow", we both assumed they meant just me.  We hit O-2, O (IUI), then TI tonight would give us O+1, so not bad, but still a little annoyed about the miscommunication.

Now, we wait.  And start suppositories (after some hot sexing tonight, since I hear they're pretty messy, which doesn't not sound sexy in the least!)  And pray that all of this will be worth it.

Sperminated!

I had an appt again yesterday morning, I should really be earning frequent flyer miles or something, I have been in there every day since last Friday.  Anyways, everything was looking good, Dr. R was really happy with my 3 follies: 19,17,17 and my estrogen levels and my lining looked great.  (The keener in me is happy I feel like I've aced this cycle so far!  lol)  They gave me the Ovidrel shot while I was there yesterday morning and told me to come back this morning for IUI.

I won't lie, after 4 days of feeling nauseous and with the anxiety and uncertainty of what to expect from the IUI, I was pretty apprehensive last night.  H was amazingly supportive as always, he is such a good man.  I started to get really nauseous around 9pm and was worried I would feel sick all night - at least the last few days I felt sick early in the day but it had subsided by evening.  I was still feeling iffy by the time I went to bed, I took a couple anti-nausea pills which fortunately make me drowsy as well and managed to fall asleep.  By 5:30am I was awake and feeling a little queasy again but thankfully not as bad as yesterday.  H and I got up and went to the clinic.  While H was giving his sample, they took me for b/w and u/s.  I had 3 follies that were all 20mm!  I have to say, I found it amusing I was lying there with a dildo cam poking around while H was in another room, doing his thing.  Here we are, trying to make a baby and we're not even in the same room!  When we were both done, we left the clinic and went to Timmy's to grab a coffee and some breakfast (ok, H got some coffee and breakfast, I had a little gingerale and a tea biscuit), we didn't want to sit in the waiting room for almost an hour.  We tried to chat about random stuff, but I was feeling nervous and anxious and had trouble being distracted.  My anxiety seems to be getting worse as I get older.

We headed back to the clinic and settled up our bill (ouch!  This cycle will cost us about $2100) before they took us back to an exam room.  Dr. R, the awesome nurse I like and a medical student came in (the student was at my appt yesterday so I knew she would be there - and who cares, what's one more person looking at my vag anyways!)  It honestly was no where near what I thought it would be.  It was just like getting a pap.  The speculum isn't fun but it's not that bad, and my uterus wasn't quite as retroverted as Dr. R expected, so that sounded like a plus.  Anyways, it was over before I knew it!  I literally said, "That's it, it's over?"  He joked that at least I didn't ask if it was in yet!  He is hilarious!  We had a good laugh about it all.  I asked about H's post wash count - Dr. R said it was excellent, more than 100 million and more than 90% motility.  H and is super sperm!  Then they left and H and I hung out for 15 minutes or so.  The nurse came in to bring me progesterone suppositories - awesome.  This is a new one for me.  I was told to do one in the morning, two at night starting tomorrow night or Friday morning.  Clearly I'm willing to do whatever I have to do, but I am not excited about that part.  I was hoping my "work" was done and I could just cruise through the 2ww!  Anyways, hopefully it will all be worth it.

Bleh!

I remember hearing about people taking their meds and having all these side effects, and I kept thanking my lucky stars that Femara really didn't cause me much discomfort.  Now?  Now I'm getting it.  I did CD6-9 of 150 units of Puregon and 10 units of Lupron, that's 4 days of injects.  I will temper all of this by saying I got a bit of a cold this weekend, so it's a little tough to tell which symptoms might be from which cause.  This cycle I have got to experience night sweats, hot flashes, chills, muscle aches (made worse by all the coughing - every muscle in my back and stomach hurt to cough, I could also feel it in my ovaries), tender tummy (obviously, it's been a pin cushion lately!) and the worst for me has been the nausea and queasy feeling.  Bleh.  I can handle of lots of stuff with a certain amount of grace, but nausea is just a killer.  I have been consuming large quantities of ginger ale and tea biscuits.  I don't know why, but tea biscuits are kind of my thing when dealing with this.  I started it on a vacation at some point, I was feeling super awful but I know that when I don't eat, that can also make me feel nauseous, it's a tricky game to play.  Tea biscuits are a simple and bland kind of thing and is usually easily found in any grocery store, in many countries, I can attest to this!  Anyways, it was an uneventful weekend of jabbings, Netflix and feeling crappy over here.

I had monitoring this morning.  I have been really excited to see how things are progressing.  Anyways, I got there, had my b/w and u/s.  I was really anxious to say the least.  Dr. R came in and looked over my chart and was really pleased by my progress - hooray!  I have 3 follies he's watching - 18,15,14.  I was really hoping to be done with the injects, but alas, not quite.  He lowered my dose in half, of both - so I did 75 units of Puregon and 5 of Lupron.  *Side note: this made me ecstatic!  The Puregon was the most expensive drug (~$700) and the vile says 600 units, which I took over the past 4 days, but fortunately, they actually put 700 units in, and since Dr. R lowered my dose to 75 units, there was enough in there and I didn't have to buy more!  I did these at the office with the nurse, she set the correct dosage on the Puregon pen and then I motioned to take it and she's like, "You want to do it?"  I said, "Yeah, I'm getting pretty good at this!"  She agreed :)  They want to see me back tomorrow morning, then we're looking at IUI on Wed or Thurs morning.

I am excited and nervous, happy and scared.  I keep telling myself to keep my eye on the prize, that hopefully this will all be worth it this cycle.  The shots, the side effects, the cost - I'm worried it's making me too invested, like I'm getting my hopes up too high.  I need to stay hopeful to get through the crap, but dealing with IF makes me want to stay guarded, to never get my hopes too high, for fear the fall from there will be too hard.  I reference it often, but IF is seriously a roller coaster of emotions, a mind game I play with myself between realistic vs optimistic.  I keep telling myself what my awesome friends have already told me - it's really not that bad, the IUI itself, that is.  My mind keeps going back to my SHG which was awful, so I need to try and keep my mind away from that.  I know that this isn't the same thing, and I know that this won't be as bad.  And you know what?  Even if it was, if I miraculously get KU this cycle, it will be so worth it.  That's what I need to focus on.  Now if only this pesky nausea would back the fuck off, I would greatly appreciate it.  Feeling like this makes everything else seem worse.  So please, cut me some slack, and simmer down already!  And please, please let all that we're going through this cycle be worth it, please let this be the cycle that brings us our miracle.

A New Year, A New Cycle

This was supposed to be posted yesterday, January 2 - technical difficulties.

I can't bring myself to blog about the holidays, it was pretty awful.  The family drama hit an all time high, my emotions were running rampant in the midst of our cancelled cycle, it was just crappy and I am thankful it's over and we're back to the usual routine.

Here we are starting our 4th medicated cycle.  I was actually really excited to go to the clinic this morning, all this waiting around being a bench warmer was not doing it for me.  I expected the office to be busy, they were closed for a week over the holidays, but fortunately it was actually pretty quiet.  I went in for blood work and the dildo cam - there was a new tech today -> we'll just add her to the increasingly long list of people that get up close and personal with my vag in my pursuit to be a mother.  (Cici, I know it ain't the Vagina Tours and I shouldn't complain!)  Then off to the other exam room to wait for an RE.  In walks Dr. R - yay!  He spent a good 3-4 minutes just reviewing my previous few cycles.  I was slightly apprehensive that he might suggest a different plan - the info and plan often seems to change based on which RE I get to see, and Dr. C had said (during the appt they cancelled last cycle) that we'd look to injects + IUI this cycle.  Dr. R is sometimes more conservative in his approach with me, which I appreciate to an extent.  But once he was done, he said let's get started with the injects.  Then he also suggested we do the sperm wash/IUI since the stats are 3 times higher for injects + IUI than with injects + TI.  With the cost and everything we're doing, he seemed to have no reservation about doing this protocol.  He also wanted me to start 600mg/day of CoQ10, some studies have shown promising results on egg quality while taking this, so add that to the mix.  (If you're a good stalker, you may remember my post Swallowing is Hard - these pills fall into the category of things I have to choke down.  The 200mg is fine, but the 400mg is borderline horse pill!)  Then the nurse came in to give me the low down on shooting up.

Fortunately the shots are no bigger/worse than the trigger (Ovidrel) shot and I already know that's not so bad.  They have me on Puregon, similar to Gonal-F and others I have heard about it.  That's the stimulating one.  I am doing 150mg a day.  I am also doing Lupron (.1mg), which essentially should help to ensure I don't O before we're ready.  That's two shots a day in the tummy!  I did the first two with the nurse this morning so I am confident about what I need to do.  She gave me a serious little party pack of drugs!  If you're wondering what $1100 worth of fertility drugs gets you, it's this!

I am trying to stay level headed about this cycle, but the new protocol that's a little more aggressive really does give me some hope.  Please let this be our cycle.