Merry Christmas!

The week's about to get pretty busy, so I figured I'd post before heading off for the holidays.

Icepocalypse 2013: We got one hell of an ice storm this weekend, it was kind of crazy, yet incredibly beautiful in some ways.  We are very fortunate to have not lost power, which can't be said for over 200,000 people in the city right now.  Hydro can't guarantee it will be restored to everyone by Christmas.  I hope everyone is staying warm!

 

   

My uncle was hosting his annual Christmas party yesterday - he had no power.  But he had already hired the servers, prepared the food, purchased the booze - the show must go on!  It was actually quite awesome!  It was a little dark, but they had candles going everywhere, the servers prepared some apps on the BBQ, the booze was obviously nicely chilled.  We stood around the piano singing carols by flashlight and candle light - good thing I know most of the words!  It was the most Christmassy I have felt this year, I'm really glad we went.  

I am finishing up my last morning of work before our Christmas luncheon, then I'm on holidays until the new year, woo hoo!!  We have a lot of parties/dinners/family events this week, it's going to be a little crazy, but hopefully it will help distract me from the shitty stuff going on and I can try to enjoy the holidays a little. 

To all of my internet friends and stalkers,

Highs and Lows

I'll start with today's low so that I can end on a high note.  Today marks exactly 18 months of TTC.  18 long months of hope, disappointment, sadness, excitement, realization and every other possible emotion.  That's enough months for two pregnancies, two!  And I still have not seen those two beautiful lines.  Well, except testing out my trigger, but that doesn't count.  I have an 18 month old nephew - we started TTC just after he was born, and now my SIL is already expecting #2, all of that has happened in the time H & I have been trying to have a baby.  And as we approach the end of 2013, I have to admit I am deeply saddened that a whole calendar year has gone by that has been dedicated to TTC and I still have nothing to show for it.  A whole year and a half of peeing on sticks, temping (almost) every morning, scheduling sex (don't worry, not all sex was scheduled!) and now we can add blood work and vag cams and meds - and still nothing.  Seriously, I'm ready to skip right over the holidays, at least with the new year will come a new cycle.  I hate being in limbo, knowing we're out but still having to wait for the cycle to finish so we can do this all over again, but hopefully with a better result.

Ok, that's enough dwelling on that.  My high for today is that H is coming home!!!  He has been traveling for...well lots of hours already!  His flight lands just after dinner and I am so excited to see him.  It's funny, this is by no means the longest he's been gone, but I have really, really missed him.  China is across the world, we've been on opposite schedules exchanging emails when we can.  With this cycle being canceled, I think I missed him even more.  He is my rock, my support and my best friend, and I cannot wait to see him tonight.  7 hours and counting!      

Pretty sure I O'd...

Just look at that chart:

I am resolving myself to the fact that I have already O'd and we're out for this cycle.  Now if it would just hurry up and end, I really want to get on with things!  In summary for today:

On the bright side, H comes home tomorrow!  It's only been a week, actually less than, but I miss him!!  I can't wait for him to get back home <3

Misbehavin' ovaries

When they talk about the IF roller coaster, they really mean it.  The ups and downs of last Thursday & Friday, spending the first half of this cycle wishing and willing for an early O, only to not have that happen and flip the switch to be hoping for a late O - it really is a mindfuck.  Anyways, after being totally bummed on Friday, and thereafter, I decided to take a temping break for a few days, not wake up to my alarm at 5:30am - I needed a little mental health break.  As of today,  I started again because I want to know what's going on before H gets home on Thurs.  I took my temp this morning - 36.25.  While I know one temp doesn't mean all that much, I have been temping long enough that I can usually spot a pre or post-O temp fairly accurately, the couple of days right around O are transitional and harder, but typically, for me, 36.25 would be a post-O temp.  I'll see what happens over the next few days, but I can't help but think I O'd during my temping break.  If my temp is up tomorrow, I'll be pretty sure I O'd.  And wouldn't that just be the icing on this shitty cycle's cake.  (Damnit, now I want cake!)

This leads to more confusion.  My follies were 14 & 13 on Friday.  Even if they had a good growth spurt, I can't imagine they got that much bigger in the couple of days after - but I guess it's possible?  This has led me to start wondering about whether you can ovulate too early, or before the egg is mature and primed?  If I did just O, I'm even more confused about why they said not to do an IUI, unless I could ovulate an immature egg which wouldn't be ideal anyways...?  I'm clearly confused, if any of my awesome friends/stalkers have any info or input, please share!  I guess the only silver lining if I did just O is that this cycle will be over sooner.  Not a chance for a BFP, but over.  As if that's a victory.

And the week just keeps getting worse...

I am still trying to digest and process the last 24 hours, so this post may be a little scattered.  H & I text-talked all day yesterday, I knew he wasn't keen on the IUI plan but after a good heart to heart last night, he agreed to move forward with it.  He also identified the biggest point of contention for us: to him, it was "what's one more month" whereas to me, it's ONE MORE MONTH!  I totally understood where he was coming from but explained I really needed to do this, to have a shot.  He agreed, and felt bad about the timing of this business trip in the midst of all of this, but what can you do?  So we got up this morning to head to he RE together, he was a little nervous, and I was just feeling very anxious about everything - the cycle, the last minute changes, his leaving.

When we got there, they took me back for my third date with the dildo cam this week (yay me).  Then I grabbed H and we waited for the doctor.  It was Dr. C today who came in and said there's been no changes since yesterday, and I have only had 2 follies grow by 1mm each since Tues.  Slackers.  This cycle is looking very similar to cycle 1.  The only hope (of which I am not clinging to) is that I O late, after H gets back next week (he's home next Thurs) so there's a chance, but nothing else has worked out as I had hoped, why would this? They basically said that my cycle has fizzled out (although I think another "F" word would be more appropriate - even Dr. C said that!) and it's not worth the expense for us to go ahead with the spermsicle/IUI route.  I asked if there was any way to salvage this cycle and she basically said no, just to call when AF arrives.

I am still digesting everything that just happened in the last 24 hours.  I am feeling a little numb if I'm being completely honest.  I am angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/insert every other emotion possible!  I am really upset that this cycle is basically a wash (unless I miraculously O after H gets back), I am really sad heading into the holidays that we don't even have a shot, there is no glimmer of hope for a Christmas miracle (however slim it may have been).  This is our last cycle of the year.  All of these things are making it extra hard to take that this cycle is just a dud.

Between my family drama (which is ongoing and shitty trying to figure out the holidays) this crappy cycle and all my pregnant SILs, as much as I love Christmas and am usually such a Christmas person, I don't really want to do any of it right now.  What a shittastic week.

@#^%$*@#%$*^

Remember how it was going to be perfect timing to O tomorrow (ish) since H is leaving on a business trip tomorrow?  Yeah, well that would have been nice, but that would have been a little too easy.  Sigh...

I went in for monitoring this morning.  My 15 "disappeared" (where the fuck do they go??) so I currently have a 14 and a 13, so they have barely changed since Tues.  I was surprised and really disappointed to hear that.  I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes as my stomach sank - H leaves tomorrow, there is no wiggle room there.  So Dr. R says we can either scrap the cycle - he said something like, "it's only one month" to which I quickly replied, "Well, it may seem like one month, but it sure feels like 18 months" and he gave me a very understanding look and said, "I know it does" in his reassuring way.  Then he suggested that we could freeze H's sample and do IUI next week when he's away and I'm ready, he guessed I could O on Monday.  (Anybody remember when we went in on CD3 and I asked about this option and Dr. R didn't seem to keen??  Yeah, but this was clearly a new idea today when he said it!) 

I called H and gave him the rundown.  He is reluctant to move to IUI yet, he seems to think we are jumping the gun and rushing into more advanced/invasive/expensive options.  I get where he's coming from, but TI is not an option this cycle, if it were, that's what we'd be doing.  The IUI is the only way to salvage this cycle, which frankly, I've already put the leg work into with 3 appts for b/w and dildo cams - I'm invested here.  I think he sees cycle 1 as a bust that doesn't really count, cycle 2 was a good shot with the Letrozole and TI, and this cycle we don't even get to try that, so he basically sees 1 cycle it didn't work with Letrozole + TI, that's where he thinks we're jumping to IUI.  I get what he's saying here, but IUI wasn't as far down the road as I think he was hoping.  He has mentioned still wanting to get KU the "natural" way - I told him we're well past that now, but he would still prefer TI to insemination.  He said he will get on board with whatever I want to do, which is great, but it's also harder to make a decision when you know your partner isn't quite on the same page.

I think I need to push for the IUI option.  I don't think I can handle not having a shot this cycle, over the holidays, last one of the year, two pregnant SILs and announcements everywhere I look.  I need a chance.  They estimated about $1500 to go ahead with this plan.  That's a pretty good gamble, for a shot, no guarantees, just a shot.  I just called our insurance to double check, and yup, we were right - absolutely NOTHING is covered.  The fact that finances have to play a role in deciding whether to have a shot at getting pregnant makes me so angry.

I called and told them we're going to go ahead with the IUI plan.  I have a lot of mixed feelings right now.  I'm angry things didn't go better this cycle, I'm angry they lowered my dose of Letrozole and I had a much slower response, as I did cycle 1, I'm angry that it's going to cost us $1500 (at Christmas time, nonetheless) to have a shot.  I'm nervous about having to go for the IUI alone, while H is in China.  I should know by now nothing goes as you plan in IF, but this is far from the ideal situation for this cycle.  Please don't let all of this be for nothing.

Cutting it close

I had my appt this morning and I have to say I was really anxious about it.  I woke up to temp at 5:30am like I always do, and then I just tossed and turned, nodded off a little, but I just keep willing my follies to be nice and big!  (I'm nuts, I know, and so do you, if you follow my blog!)  Once I got there, I started with b/w as always.  With one exception, it's always the same lady.  She's hit and miss - sometimes she's good, sometimes...less so.  Anyways, she gives me something to hold to pump my fist while she finds a vein, then tells me to make a loose fist around the thing and take a deep breath.  I know this routine, and I bruise easily and hate needles, so I follow the instructions to a T.  Any time it hurts or I wince, she likes to tell me "don't squeeze, that makes it worse" and then I tell her I wasn't, because she told me not to.  This morning I did the same as always, but when she stuck me, I must have squeezed but only because it literally felt like I was being stabbed 4" lower too - I actually had to look because it felt like a sharp stabbing pain lower down my arm.  Then my whole lower arm felt weird.  And then she starts telling me how I did it wrong.  I did it the way you tell me to, damnit!  Grrrrrrr.

Then I went for my u/s then into a room to wait for the RE.  While I'm waiting, a little longer than usual, I manage to have a child running around outside my open door, and I hear the other RE down the hall congratulating someone on getting KU.  (When will it be my turn?)  So apparently if you leave me alone too long, my inner stealth comes out - so I yanked my chart from the holder thing outside my room to sneak a picture, so I wouldn't forget the sizes, etc.  Proof of my stealthy ways ;)

R: 15,13  L: 12,13.  I was hoping for bigger follies, so I started getting disappointed and worrying about our timing.  RE finally came in and said she was actually really happy with my response this cycle, it's preferred to last cycle's CD7 mature follie, so she was really positive about that.  Then she asked when H is leaving again and I said Friday.  She said it was tight but we might get in just under the wire.  I will head back in on Thurs morning and I am really hoping my follies have been busy growing and well be ready to trigger.  She seemed optimistic, as did a few of my fellow dreamers (thank you ladies for making me feel better about this!) so I will also (try to) be optimistic.  Grow, follies, grow!!!

I need me some horseshoes!

Or a little luck o' the Irish, that would do too!!  H & I went to my CD3 appt this morning.  We got to see Dr. R (yay!).  He reviewed last cycle's info and said he felt good about giving that another go - sometimes these things require some patience (seriously?  Did you just tell me to be patient??).  He actually lowered my dose of Letrozole, which surprised me, and worried me a little - it was the higher dose last cycle that helped get an early O, I'm a little nervous that we're backing off that.  He said that it actually acts in a cumulative way.  So taking the Let actually has an effect not just on the follies that grow and eventually get released at ovulation time in a given cycle, but they also work to stimulate the much less mature eggs.  So because this is my third cycle on it, there would be some residual effect on my eggs/follies from last cycle's meds.  It sounded like it made sense when he explained it, but that was news to me!

So I started the Let today, I take it for 5 days then back in for a follow up next Tues.  H leaves on his trip Friday night.  Please, please, please let me have a good response and be close to Oing on Tues!!

Cycle 17

AF showed up last night.  Not that I'm ever happy about that per se, but I am happy to be getting on with the next cycle, especially since every day can make a difference this cycle.  H is coming for my CD3 monitoring in the morning.  He's never come, besides our initial visits, so this is a first.  He suggested coming, I mostly want him to come so that he can ask the doctor his questions and not ask me a million questions afterwards, haha.

I'm not sure if we're going to go with the same protocol or change it up (Letrozole + Trigger + TI).  I have spoken to a few dreamers about the tight timing and they suggested I ask about a plan b - namely if H can leave an "emergency" sample that we could use for an IUI if we can't go with TI because of his business trip.  I'm not entirely sure if that's an option, but I will definitely inquire.  I would hate to take drugs and not respond quickly, then H is gone and we don't have a shot.  At least if this plan b is an option, even if he's gone, we still have a shot.  This is why I think it's good for H to come.  I don't think he knows much (anything?) about IUIs and while I've read a lot, I don't have all the answers to his questions.  Here's to hoping I O early and that we can put plan b in place - that's the best way to not need it, I find ;)

Seriously? Seriously?!

If you follow my blog, you probably know that Friday was a tough day for me with the BFN.  I should be a pro at this by now, but this cycle's BFN really stung.  I let myself have the day to just be sad and cry and ask, "why not us?" over and over again.  I woke up on Saturday determined to pick myself up again and focus on the next cycle (speaking of which, AF - anytime now would be great, please and thank you).  I was making plans with my mom to go do some errands and Christmas shopping, take my mind off everything.  Then I got a text from my brother.  It literally said, "Hey, what are you up to today?" and I just had a feeling.  H and I were over visiting my brother and his gf (R&T) and my 18 month old nephew last weekend; my brother and I are close, but it seemed just a little odd that he was texting so soon after our last visit.  Before I left the house to go out with my mom, I said to H, "If they tell me they're expecting, I think I might hurl myself out a window" and H just laughed it off, wondering where that was even coming from.  So the plan was to go out with my mom, then after some errands we would stop by to visit R&T and nephew.  Somehow my mom and I were chatting and I said something like, "If they're expecting, I think I'm going to lose it" (my mom knows about our IF and she knew Friday was really hard for me, so we were already planning a short visit).  She said she and my dad had actually discussed it recently too, but they didn't think it would be so soon.  Nephew is only 18 months and they live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and finances have been...rocky for them.  (Is your IF/pregnancy radar going off yet??)

Of course we go visit and during our visit, my mom is holding her grandson reading him Good Night Moon while I sit next to them.  R&T were taking a video (my mom just said one of her sisters wanted a new video, so this seemed legit).  I have watched enough youtube announcement videos though, and I had a feeling something was coming.  My mom turns a page and sure enough, there's a picture of an u/s.  It took a minute for my mom to get it, but then she did and of course the tears started.  We got up and hugged them both, congratulated them on their exciting news.  When they seemed distracted enough with my mom, I snuck off to the bathroom and broke down.  I ended up sobbing on the bathroom floor, gasping for breath, trying with everything I had to pull myself together so I could go back out there.  We stayed a short while longer and my mom made up an excuse as to why we had to go (thank you mom!) and off we went.  I cried the whole way home, then when I got home I told H and proceeded to bawl my eyes out.

IF really fucking sucks.  It sucks that I don't have a baby yet.  It sucks I'm not even pregnant yet.  It sucks that we have been trying since my nephew was born, and they're already 12 weeks along with #2.  And it really sucks that this is amazing news and I just want to be happy for them, but I cannot stop feeling this overwhelming sadness and jealousy.  I did send my brother a text last night, I wanted to make sure they know we're really happy for them, and if I didn't seem totally excited, it wasn't because that's true - it's just because we have been struggling ourselves (T knew last Christmas we were sort of trying, but we haven't told them details or about IF at all).  I debated sending this text for hours, but the thought that my brother might think I'm not over the moon happy for them, I had to say something.  And I'm glad I did.  I got a really nice text back from him: "I kind of figured that was the case.  I really feel for you because I know how difficult, frustrating and sad that must be for you.  I know how happy you are for us, so don't think I ever thought otherwise.  [Nephew] and this baby are lucky to have such a loving and kind aunt.  I really hope that a little luck comes your way soon.  Love you".

While my brother and T aren't married, she's family, I refer to her as my SIL (just without the law part!).  I only have two SILs and they both started trying for #2 after we started trying for #1, and both are expecting their babies in the spring/summer.  What I wouldn't give to join that club, too.  It's been a rough weekend, to say the least.