Merry Christmas!

The week's about to get pretty busy, so I figured I'd post before heading off for the holidays.

Icepocalypse 2013: We got one hell of an ice storm this weekend, it was kind of crazy, yet incredibly beautiful in some ways.  We are very fortunate to have not lost power, which can't be said for over 200,000 people in the city right now.  Hydro can't guarantee it will be restored to everyone by Christmas.  I hope everyone is staying warm!

 

   

My uncle was hosting his annual Christmas party yesterday - he had no power.  But he had already hired the servers, prepared the food, purchased the booze - the show must go on!  It was actually quite awesome!  It was a little dark, but they had candles going everywhere, the servers prepared some apps on the BBQ, the booze was obviously nicely chilled.  We stood around the piano singing carols by flashlight and candle light - good thing I know most of the words!  It was the most Christmassy I have felt this year, I'm really glad we went.  

I am finishing up my last morning of work before our Christmas luncheon, then I'm on holidays until the new year, woo hoo!!  We have a lot of parties/dinners/family events this week, it's going to be a little crazy, but hopefully it will help distract me from the shitty stuff going on and I can try to enjoy the holidays a little. 

To all of my internet friends and stalkers,

Highs and Lows

I'll start with today's low so that I can end on a high note.  Today marks exactly 18 months of TTC.  18 long months of hope, disappointment, sadness, excitement, realization and every other possible emotion.  That's enough months for two pregnancies, two!  And I still have not seen those two beautiful lines.  Well, except testing out my trigger, but that doesn't count.  I have an 18 month old nephew - we started TTC just after he was born, and now my SIL is already expecting #2, all of that has happened in the time H & I have been trying to have a baby.  And as we approach the end of 2013, I have to admit I am deeply saddened that a whole calendar year has gone by that has been dedicated to TTC and I still have nothing to show for it.  A whole year and a half of peeing on sticks, temping (almost) every morning, scheduling sex (don't worry, not all sex was scheduled!) and now we can add blood work and vag cams and meds - and still nothing.  Seriously, I'm ready to skip right over the holidays, at least with the new year will come a new cycle.  I hate being in limbo, knowing we're out but still having to wait for the cycle to finish so we can do this all over again, but hopefully with a better result.

Ok, that's enough dwelling on that.  My high for today is that H is coming home!!!  He has been traveling for...well lots of hours already!  His flight lands just after dinner and I am so excited to see him.  It's funny, this is by no means the longest he's been gone, but I have really, really missed him.  China is across the world, we've been on opposite schedules exchanging emails when we can.  With this cycle being canceled, I think I missed him even more.  He is my rock, my support and my best friend, and I cannot wait to see him tonight.  7 hours and counting!      

Pretty sure I O'd...

Just look at that chart:

I am resolving myself to the fact that I have already O'd and we're out for this cycle.  Now if it would just hurry up and end, I really want to get on with things!  In summary for today:

On the bright side, H comes home tomorrow!  It's only been a week, actually less than, but I miss him!!  I can't wait for him to get back home <3

Misbehavin' ovaries

When they talk about the IF roller coaster, they really mean it.  The ups and downs of last Thursday & Friday, spending the first half of this cycle wishing and willing for an early O, only to not have that happen and flip the switch to be hoping for a late O - it really is a mindfuck.  Anyways, after being totally bummed on Friday, and thereafter, I decided to take a temping break for a few days, not wake up to my alarm at 5:30am - I needed a little mental health break.  As of today,  I started again because I want to know what's going on before H gets home on Thurs.  I took my temp this morning - 36.25.  While I know one temp doesn't mean all that much, I have been temping long enough that I can usually spot a pre or post-O temp fairly accurately, the couple of days right around O are transitional and harder, but typically, for me, 36.25 would be a post-O temp.  I'll see what happens over the next few days, but I can't help but think I O'd during my temping break.  If my temp is up tomorrow, I'll be pretty sure I O'd.  And wouldn't that just be the icing on this shitty cycle's cake.  (Damnit, now I want cake!)

This leads to more confusion.  My follies were 14 & 13 on Friday.  Even if they had a good growth spurt, I can't imagine they got that much bigger in the couple of days after - but I guess it's possible?  This has led me to start wondering about whether you can ovulate too early, or before the egg is mature and primed?  If I did just O, I'm even more confused about why they said not to do an IUI, unless I could ovulate an immature egg which wouldn't be ideal anyways...?  I'm clearly confused, if any of my awesome friends/stalkers have any info or input, please share!  I guess the only silver lining if I did just O is that this cycle will be over sooner.  Not a chance for a BFP, but over.  As if that's a victory.

And the week just keeps getting worse...

I am still trying to digest and process the last 24 hours, so this post may be a little scattered.  H & I text-talked all day yesterday, I knew he wasn't keen on the IUI plan but after a good heart to heart last night, he agreed to move forward with it.  He also identified the biggest point of contention for us: to him, it was "what's one more month" whereas to me, it's ONE MORE MONTH!  I totally understood where he was coming from but explained I really needed to do this, to have a shot.  He agreed, and felt bad about the timing of this business trip in the midst of all of this, but what can you do?  So we got up this morning to head to he RE together, he was a little nervous, and I was just feeling very anxious about everything - the cycle, the last minute changes, his leaving.

When we got there, they took me back for my third date with the dildo cam this week (yay me).  Then I grabbed H and we waited for the doctor.  It was Dr. C today who came in and said there's been no changes since yesterday, and I have only had 2 follies grow by 1mm each since Tues.  Slackers.  This cycle is looking very similar to cycle 1.  The only hope (of which I am not clinging to) is that I O late, after H gets back next week (he's home next Thurs) so there's a chance, but nothing else has worked out as I had hoped, why would this? They basically said that my cycle has fizzled out (although I think another "F" word would be more appropriate - even Dr. C said that!) and it's not worth the expense for us to go ahead with the spermsicle/IUI route.  I asked if there was any way to salvage this cycle and she basically said no, just to call when AF arrives.

I am still digesting everything that just happened in the last 24 hours.  I am feeling a little numb if I'm being completely honest.  I am angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/insert every other emotion possible!  I am really upset that this cycle is basically a wash (unless I miraculously O after H gets back), I am really sad heading into the holidays that we don't even have a shot, there is no glimmer of hope for a Christmas miracle (however slim it may have been).  This is our last cycle of the year.  All of these things are making it extra hard to take that this cycle is just a dud.

Between my family drama (which is ongoing and shitty trying to figure out the holidays) this crappy cycle and all my pregnant SILs, as much as I love Christmas and am usually such a Christmas person, I don't really want to do any of it right now.  What a shittastic week.

@#^%$*@#%$*^

Remember how it was going to be perfect timing to O tomorrow (ish) since H is leaving on a business trip tomorrow?  Yeah, well that would have been nice, but that would have been a little too easy.  Sigh...

I went in for monitoring this morning.  My 15 "disappeared" (where the fuck do they go??) so I currently have a 14 and a 13, so they have barely changed since Tues.  I was surprised and really disappointed to hear that.  I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes as my stomach sank - H leaves tomorrow, there is no wiggle room there.  So Dr. R says we can either scrap the cycle - he said something like, "it's only one month" to which I quickly replied, "Well, it may seem like one month, but it sure feels like 18 months" and he gave me a very understanding look and said, "I know it does" in his reassuring way.  Then he suggested that we could freeze H's sample and do IUI next week when he's away and I'm ready, he guessed I could O on Monday.  (Anybody remember when we went in on CD3 and I asked about this option and Dr. R didn't seem to keen??  Yeah, but this was clearly a new idea today when he said it!) 

I called H and gave him the rundown.  He is reluctant to move to IUI yet, he seems to think we are jumping the gun and rushing into more advanced/invasive/expensive options.  I get where he's coming from, but TI is not an option this cycle, if it were, that's what we'd be doing.  The IUI is the only way to salvage this cycle, which frankly, I've already put the leg work into with 3 appts for b/w and dildo cams - I'm invested here.  I think he sees cycle 1 as a bust that doesn't really count, cycle 2 was a good shot with the Letrozole and TI, and this cycle we don't even get to try that, so he basically sees 1 cycle it didn't work with Letrozole + TI, that's where he thinks we're jumping to IUI.  I get what he's saying here, but IUI wasn't as far down the road as I think he was hoping.  He has mentioned still wanting to get KU the "natural" way - I told him we're well past that now, but he would still prefer TI to insemination.  He said he will get on board with whatever I want to do, which is great, but it's also harder to make a decision when you know your partner isn't quite on the same page.

I think I need to push for the IUI option.  I don't think I can handle not having a shot this cycle, over the holidays, last one of the year, two pregnant SILs and announcements everywhere I look.  I need a chance.  They estimated about $1500 to go ahead with this plan.  That's a pretty good gamble, for a shot, no guarantees, just a shot.  I just called our insurance to double check, and yup, we were right - absolutely NOTHING is covered.  The fact that finances have to play a role in deciding whether to have a shot at getting pregnant makes me so angry.

I called and told them we're going to go ahead with the IUI plan.  I have a lot of mixed feelings right now.  I'm angry things didn't go better this cycle, I'm angry they lowered my dose of Letrozole and I had a much slower response, as I did cycle 1, I'm angry that it's going to cost us $1500 (at Christmas time, nonetheless) to have a shot.  I'm nervous about having to go for the IUI alone, while H is in China.  I should know by now nothing goes as you plan in IF, but this is far from the ideal situation for this cycle.  Please don't let all of this be for nothing.

Cutting it close

I had my appt this morning and I have to say I was really anxious about it.  I woke up to temp at 5:30am like I always do, and then I just tossed and turned, nodded off a little, but I just keep willing my follies to be nice and big!  (I'm nuts, I know, and so do you, if you follow my blog!)  Once I got there, I started with b/w as always.  With one exception, it's always the same lady.  She's hit and miss - sometimes she's good, sometimes...less so.  Anyways, she gives me something to hold to pump my fist while she finds a vein, then tells me to make a loose fist around the thing and take a deep breath.  I know this routine, and I bruise easily and hate needles, so I follow the instructions to a T.  Any time it hurts or I wince, she likes to tell me "don't squeeze, that makes it worse" and then I tell her I wasn't, because she told me not to.  This morning I did the same as always, but when she stuck me, I must have squeezed but only because it literally felt like I was being stabbed 4" lower too - I actually had to look because it felt like a sharp stabbing pain lower down my arm.  Then my whole lower arm felt weird.  And then she starts telling me how I did it wrong.  I did it the way you tell me to, damnit!  Grrrrrrr.

Then I went for my u/s then into a room to wait for the RE.  While I'm waiting, a little longer than usual, I manage to have a child running around outside my open door, and I hear the other RE down the hall congratulating someone on getting KU.  (When will it be my turn?)  So apparently if you leave me alone too long, my inner stealth comes out - so I yanked my chart from the holder thing outside my room to sneak a picture, so I wouldn't forget the sizes, etc.  Proof of my stealthy ways ;)

R: 15,13  L: 12,13.  I was hoping for bigger follies, so I started getting disappointed and worrying about our timing.  RE finally came in and said she was actually really happy with my response this cycle, it's preferred to last cycle's CD7 mature follie, so she was really positive about that.  Then she asked when H is leaving again and I said Friday.  She said it was tight but we might get in just under the wire.  I will head back in on Thurs morning and I am really hoping my follies have been busy growing and well be ready to trigger.  She seemed optimistic, as did a few of my fellow dreamers (thank you ladies for making me feel better about this!) so I will also (try to) be optimistic.  Grow, follies, grow!!!

I need me some horseshoes!

Or a little luck o' the Irish, that would do too!!  H & I went to my CD3 appt this morning.  We got to see Dr. R (yay!).  He reviewed last cycle's info and said he felt good about giving that another go - sometimes these things require some patience (seriously?  Did you just tell me to be patient??).  He actually lowered my dose of Letrozole, which surprised me, and worried me a little - it was the higher dose last cycle that helped get an early O, I'm a little nervous that we're backing off that.  He said that it actually acts in a cumulative way.  So taking the Let actually has an effect not just on the follies that grow and eventually get released at ovulation time in a given cycle, but they also work to stimulate the much less mature eggs.  So because this is my third cycle on it, there would be some residual effect on my eggs/follies from last cycle's meds.  It sounded like it made sense when he explained it, but that was news to me!

So I started the Let today, I take it for 5 days then back in for a follow up next Tues.  H leaves on his trip Friday night.  Please, please, please let me have a good response and be close to Oing on Tues!!

Cycle 17

AF showed up last night.  Not that I'm ever happy about that per se, but I am happy to be getting on with the next cycle, especially since every day can make a difference this cycle.  H is coming for my CD3 monitoring in the morning.  He's never come, besides our initial visits, so this is a first.  He suggested coming, I mostly want him to come so that he can ask the doctor his questions and not ask me a million questions afterwards, haha.

I'm not sure if we're going to go with the same protocol or change it up (Letrozole + Trigger + TI).  I have spoken to a few dreamers about the tight timing and they suggested I ask about a plan b - namely if H can leave an "emergency" sample that we could use for an IUI if we can't go with TI because of his business trip.  I'm not entirely sure if that's an option, but I will definitely inquire.  I would hate to take drugs and not respond quickly, then H is gone and we don't have a shot.  At least if this plan b is an option, even if he's gone, we still have a shot.  This is why I think it's good for H to come.  I don't think he knows much (anything?) about IUIs and while I've read a lot, I don't have all the answers to his questions.  Here's to hoping I O early and that we can put plan b in place - that's the best way to not need it, I find ;)

Seriously? Seriously?!

If you follow my blog, you probably know that Friday was a tough day for me with the BFN.  I should be a pro at this by now, but this cycle's BFN really stung.  I let myself have the day to just be sad and cry and ask, "why not us?" over and over again.  I woke up on Saturday determined to pick myself up again and focus on the next cycle (speaking of which, AF - anytime now would be great, please and thank you).  I was making plans with my mom to go do some errands and Christmas shopping, take my mind off everything.  Then I got a text from my brother.  It literally said, "Hey, what are you up to today?" and I just had a feeling.  H and I were over visiting my brother and his gf (R&T) and my 18 month old nephew last weekend; my brother and I are close, but it seemed just a little odd that he was texting so soon after our last visit.  Before I left the house to go out with my mom, I said to H, "If they tell me they're expecting, I think I might hurl myself out a window" and H just laughed it off, wondering where that was even coming from.  So the plan was to go out with my mom, then after some errands we would stop by to visit R&T and nephew.  Somehow my mom and I were chatting and I said something like, "If they're expecting, I think I'm going to lose it" (my mom knows about our IF and she knew Friday was really hard for me, so we were already planning a short visit).  She said she and my dad had actually discussed it recently too, but they didn't think it would be so soon.  Nephew is only 18 months and they live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and finances have been...rocky for them.  (Is your IF/pregnancy radar going off yet??)

Of course we go visit and during our visit, my mom is holding her grandson reading him Good Night Moon while I sit next to them.  R&T were taking a video (my mom just said one of her sisters wanted a new video, so this seemed legit).  I have watched enough youtube announcement videos though, and I had a feeling something was coming.  My mom turns a page and sure enough, there's a picture of an u/s.  It took a minute for my mom to get it, but then she did and of course the tears started.  We got up and hugged them both, congratulated them on their exciting news.  When they seemed distracted enough with my mom, I snuck off to the bathroom and broke down.  I ended up sobbing on the bathroom floor, gasping for breath, trying with everything I had to pull myself together so I could go back out there.  We stayed a short while longer and my mom made up an excuse as to why we had to go (thank you mom!) and off we went.  I cried the whole way home, then when I got home I told H and proceeded to bawl my eyes out.

IF really fucking sucks.  It sucks that I don't have a baby yet.  It sucks I'm not even pregnant yet.  It sucks that we have been trying since my nephew was born, and they're already 12 weeks along with #2.  And it really sucks that this is amazing news and I just want to be happy for them, but I cannot stop feeling this overwhelming sadness and jealousy.  I did send my brother a text last night, I wanted to make sure they know we're really happy for them, and if I didn't seem totally excited, it wasn't because that's true - it's just because we have been struggling ourselves (T knew last Christmas we were sort of trying, but we haven't told them details or about IF at all).  I debated sending this text for hours, but the thought that my brother might think I'm not over the moon happy for them, I had to say something.  And I'm glad I did.  I got a really nice text back from him: "I kind of figured that was the case.  I really feel for you because I know how difficult, frustrating and sad that must be for you.  I know how happy you are for us, so don't think I ever thought otherwise.  [Nephew] and this baby are lucky to have such a loving and kind aunt.  I really hope that a little luck comes your way soon.  Love you".

While my brother and T aren't married, she's family, I refer to her as my SIL (just without the law part!).  I only have two SILs and they both started trying for #2 after we started trying for #1, and both are expecting their babies in the spring/summer.  What I wouldn't give to join that club, too.  It's been a rough weekend, to say the least.

ROOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

"ROAR"

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

FUIF!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad I work at home...

Cause then no one can see me when I start crying at my desk, for the second time today.  I had b/w this morning and on my way there, in the car, the song Anything Can Happen started playing, and I thought, wow, what if...I so wanted that to be a sign.  On my way home, I drive right past a Dollarama, so I stopped and picked up an HPT.  For the first time ever, I had actually saved my FMU in a cup in the bathroom so I used that when I got back, I didn't have tests at home this morning but wanted to make sure to use FMU.  I just called the RE's office and as expected, the news was not good - a big fat fucking no.  I feel so defeated.  I know I will pick myself back up again, but today, today I am sad, really sad.  Even H said he had really high hopes for this cycle, but here we are, going through the exact same thing as the last 15 cycles.  FUCK!

Please let me not have another 15 day LP, let's just get on with it, timing is already tight for next month with H's business trip and I really need to have at least one more shot this year.  Cycle 17, here we come.

Fizzling out...

My optimism for this cycle, that is.  9DPO I was feeling hopeful, 10DPO, less so.  I temped this morning, 11DPO, and my temp was still pretty high so against my better judgment, I POAS.  Stark white, BFFN.  After testing out my trigger, I now know what a "shadow" or a "squinter" looks like - that was obviously not the case this morning, it was very obviously negative.  I have an appt with my RE for b/w tomorrow, so I guess I'll know for sure by lunch tomorrow, but I am quickly losing hope that this will be our cycle.

This makes my mind start racing through the next cycle.  If I get the results that I am expecting tomorrow, I am hoping I don't have another 15 day LP, I just want to get on with the next cycle.  This was our second cycle with meds, first with a trigger.  Next cycle, H is away on business from Dec 13-19, so I am really hoping that I O early again.  I hate the idea of a wasted cycle, but I also don't want to take the meds if I don't O early and he's gone - then the cycle is a wash, but I took fertility meds for nothing.  I know I responded well this cycle, so I am hoping that the RE feels optimistic about an early O again next cycle, because this certainly isn't my norm.  This is what FF currently predicts; notice the dates my H is away all have a green box around them:

The thought of going into what will likely be our last cycle of 2013 makes me really sad.  It's already almost been a year and a half, but turning over the calendar after a whole year of TTC and still never knowing a BFP just really stings.  There are also only 3-4 more cycles that could even give me a due date in 2014.  How depressing is that thought??  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but that's just how I roll, I can't help it.  I need to mentally prepare myself for a definitive BFN tomorrow, it's my defense mechanism.  And being a planner, I need to have my plan B in place, which is why I immediately start thinking about the next cycle.

I guess I'm just having a rough IF day, this roller coaster sucks and I'd really like to get off soon...but at the stop I have been dreaming about since as long as I can remember - motherhood.  I know a BFN at 11DPO is not definitive, but I am afraid of letting myself remain hopeful because as much as I don't want to admit it, that BFN this morning shook me a little; as much as I tried to stay cool, I definitely got my hopes up.  I really, really wanted to see a real second line.

9DPO

And just waiting...

Even if it's your 16th 2WW, it still sucks.  My husband will tell you, I am not great with all the waiting around, I'm a do-er. I decided to stop testing, yesterday's test showed the trigger was pretty well gone.  I had to debate and move it around to determine if there really was a line there (I decided on seeing a shadow).  So I am now down to 1 HPT left in the house and thinking I will try to hold out until Friday to test again (unless my pee-stick pushing friends make me cave!).  My RE wants me in for b/w on Friday, so I figure even if I have questionable results from an HPT that morning, by lunch they'll have my b/w back and be able to confirm.  I got a pretty high temp this morning, I'm trying not to let my hopes climb up with it, because I've seen high temps around this time....right before they plummeted and AF arrived.  You really can't read too much into anything, but damn it's hard!  Look at the pretty chart:

Ok, Friday, hurry up and get here already!

I also have to admit, I'm starting to feel the totally self-inflicted pressure of the holidays and the end of the year.  The idea of a whole calendar year going by and still not being pregnant, is just...hard to take.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will get one more cycle before year end.  I also just found out yesterday that H will probably have to be in China from around Dec. 14-19 (FF's predicted FW), which means I would have to be hoping for another early O to have a shot next cycle.  And that's all up in the air - his dates aren't set, nor is my cycle.  I know, I know - cross that bridge when you get to it, but it's hard to not always be thinking about the next cycle.  And if the last chance of 2013 comes down to our inability to have good timing because of this trip...I will not be a happy camper.  You really can't plan around IF, because no cycle is the same, everything is always up in the air and last minute.  This is hard for a planner/organizer like myself to handle, but I do, since I really don't have any other choice.  I just really want to make the most of every opportunity, including next cycle, provided there is one (but please not!!).

So there really can be two lines...(not for real though!)

Commence plan Test out Trigger.  I keep thinking that if I ended up caving and testing earlier than I usually do (11 or 12 DPO) I would not be able to believe any hint of a line, if there actually was one.  And I could see myself caving earlier this cycle than others, because it's the first medicated cycle that's gone well, we have a decent shot.  I am having trouble not getting my hopes up; I keep flip flopping between being hopeful, and expecting the same result as the last 15 cycles.  So, I got up this morning and POAS.  There's a line.  Obviously, I am 6dpt, this isn't all that surprising.  But as I was waiting for that line to pop up, I couldn't help but expect nothing, as I'm used to stark white HPTs.  But sure enough, there it was.  This pretty little line staring back at me.

I know it's stupid, because logically I know why there are two lines, but it somehow gave me a little bit of hope.  This is the first time in 17 months there has ever been a second line.  What if, one day, there's a second line for real?  I have had trouble even imaging that lately, so in one sense, it was nice to think that this could legitimately be in my (hopefully near) future.  I will continue to test it out so I can confirm when it's really gone, then at least I know any results after that are legit.

Friday bitch: I went for b/w this morning and it's always the same woman that does it.  She's often good, but last week she was off her game.  Then I had a good draw.  Then this morning's - holy crap, it hurt!  She did one of those 'stick the needle in, miss the vein, and start digging around' things.  It really hurt by the time she got it, worst b/w yet.  Let's hope she gets it together for my appt next week!

Positive Vibes

It's surgery day for my dad.  He is scheduled as the last patient of the day, likely because he is the most complicated case.  From what I gather, the surgery will go one of two ways.  They will either be able to remove the gallbladder laparoscopically, which would be a relatively quick surgery and he would be released this evening sometime.  If not, they will have to do a much more invasive incision to open him up to remove it.  This would mean they keep him overnight in recovery.  Fingers crossed for the first option!

One thing that has always bothered me about medical stuff, and definitely in the world of both my dad's health and IF, the doctors never know until they get there.  They won't know which surgery will work until they get into the OR.  I am trying to remain positive about it all, but it's hard not to think about all of his health related stuff that always seemed to be the more complicated option.  He rarely seems to get the easy way out of anything, but I am wishing and hoping that this will be the exception to that trend.  He could really use a break, he could really use a win.  I won't know anything for hours, surgery is around 2:30pm, so I will just have to anxiously await an update.

Update:  After keeping him waiting an extra hour or two because they were running behind, I just heard he's out and it was the easy surgery!!!  I was totally expecting the worst, because that's how it usually goes, but this time, this time we got the easy path!!!  Excuse me while I bust out in a happy dance:

He'll be home in time to watch the Leafs game, which is what he was hoping for :D

The Stork Award!

Thank you to my girl, ChickinNH (who's blog Diary of a Little Chicken is amazingly awesome and I yearn to stalk) for the compliment of being nominated for The Stork Award!  I started this blog as an online diary really, to help deal with the struggle of TTC and IF and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that.  I never imagined anyone would actually read it, and I sure as hell didn't anticipate making such amazing friends, but I am so grateful that I have.

ETA: You can read more about the Stork Award and how it stared here.

Here's how The Stork Award works: 
1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog post
2. Link to the blog that nominated you 
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate other bloggers
5. Ask your nominees their ten questions
6. Let your nominees know they've been awarded
7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined

Questions from ChickinNH:
1. Share a favorite memory from when you were little.  I was 7 years old and I had my first real date - with my dad.  We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory then to see the Nutcracker, the ballet.  I felt like such a grown up, on my first date, had my dad all to myself.  It was awesome :)

2. What was the best part of your day today?  Can I say being nominated for something??  Besides that though, I would say my lunch time walk with Abby.  It's a cold but beautiful day here, the sun is shining and she didn't pull my arm off - it was a great way to spend my lunch :)

3. Besides your marriage, what is the most important relationship in your life?  My parents.  If you follow my blog you know things have been....rough.  But I am honestly so close with my parents, I talk to them both pretty much every day.  I am grateful that as I grew up and became an adult, our relationship changed from parent/child to parent/child/friend.  I love them both more than words.

4. Favorite food/drink? (only one!)  I go through phases with food (obsessive phases) but right now, I am addicted to what we call "yummy eggs" around here - basically eggs benedict (but with turkey bacon since we don't eat bacon - I know, the horror!)  For my drink, I will choose my H's white wine spritzer - he makes it just perfect!

5. What are you most proud of?  That's tough, part of me wants to say my degree, which I worked hard for, but I honestly think I'm most proud of the life I have - my amazing H, Abby, our house, the family and friends we surround ourselves with, that's what matters most to me.

6. Describe yourself in 5 words. (Stealing this one!)  Loyal, honest, opinionated (but hopefully not in an annoying way!), strong, empathetic.

7. Describe your perfect day.  It starts with a good sleep in, not having to set the alarm or wake up for anything, not even to take Abby out for a pee!  Then I'd make an awesome cappuccino with our machine that I love.  Eggs Benny.  Hanging out with H and Abby on a warm and beautiful day so we could enjoy a trip to the park without me being cold (not easy to do!).  Afternoon delight ;)  (hey, you said a perfect day!) And since I'm going with the perfect day, finding out I'm finally KU.

8. If you could travel anywhere in the world for free where would you go?  Australia, NZ & Fiji - yes, it would all be one trip while I'm down in that part of the world!  And for free, I'll take first class for that long ass flight, please!

9. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be?  Abby.  She is the least productive worker, all she does is snooze all day, go for walks, play with puppies, chase balls - they say it's a dog's life for a reason, right??

10. If you won a million dollars tomorrow, what's the first thing you would buy with it?  Fertility treatments!  LOL.  I would search for, and hopefully find, our "forever" home.  We bought this house knowing we will out grow it, and fast!  So I would buy a bigger house with a yard.

Nominating some of my favourite blogs to stalk that I haven't seen nominated yet:
The Happy Life - an awesome blog by my friend Ana.  I stalk this blog like it's my business.  I swear some of your posts I could have written.  I am so glad to have found you along this journey, I am always rooting for you!!!

Moving Toward the Light - another blog I shamelessly stalk!  Girl, you know I have everything crossed for you!!  I couldn't NOT nominate you for The Stork Award!

Almost Honest - I have been stalking this blog for quite some time now.  Sun, you are an amazingly strong woman, you inspire me with your honesty and courage.  I am always stalking and rooting for you!   Andplusalso, this blog won our TTGP Awards for Best Blog, so clearly I'm not the only dedicated stalker!

Here are the 10 questions for my nominees (I'm passing along the disclaimer that this is supposed to be fun as a way to get to know each other a little better so please don't feel pressure to do this if you don't want to or don't have time!)

1. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
2. List 3 of your best personality traits
3. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
4. What are 3 things on your bucket list?
5. Do you have any hidden talents?
6. What is the best vacation you have ever taken?
7. What's the best meal you've ever had?
8. What's the best gift you've ever given?
9. Aside from food, water, and shelter, what is one thing could you not go a day without?
10. In everyday life, what is your number one pet peeve?

What in the what??

CD10 today and had an appt with the RE.  U/s and b/w confirmed O - woo hoo!!!  That means I O'd on CD9, hence the title of this post, my mind is baffled!  Cue happy dance!

My progesterone today is 4.6, which doesn't mean much to me, everything I can find has levels at 7DPO but the nurse said that level did support that I had O'd, the RE said this morning that my u/s looked like both follies had been released.  It also means we had good timing this cycle, after a rather busy weekend ;)  I feel like it will be hard not to get my hopes up this cycle, since it's really the first medicated AND with good timing.  I think because of this, I might test out my trigger.  I would hate to test at 11 or 12 DPO (which is early for me to test but I could see myself caving this cycle) and be unsure about whether the results mean something or if it's still from the trigger.  It will be weird to see two lines show up, even if I know it's not for real, I have never seen two lines before!  Now it's on to the dreaded 2ww, here's to hoping!

Ready, set, trigger!

This is how I felt this morning:

It really wasn't as bad as I thought.  You ladies were all right, the anticipation was the worst part!  I put on Katy Perry's Roar to pump myself up, prepped and just did it before I had a chance to think about it too much.  A few years ago, I may have complained more, but with all the bloodwork and everything else these days, it really was no big deal.  But it does still seem weird that I stabbed myself with a needle in the tummy today.  Here's to hoping my body continues to cooperate and things run smoothly so at the least, we have a good shot this cycle, and at best....nope, not even going to say it!  Hope you're all enjoying your weekend :)

Friday Update

It's CD7 today, I did my Letrozole Mon-Thurs this week and went for my monitoring appt this morning.  I was nervous going, I was really expecting them to say I didn't have much of a response and we should look at injects.  I was very pleasantly surprised when Dr. C (seriously, where is Dr. R??) said my response was really good!  I have a 19mm and a 15mm that she was really happy with.  So they sent me home with Ovidrel, a trigger shot, after a quick tutorial on how to do it.  (I played it cool, but in my head I was like, "OMG I have to jab myself in the stomach with that?!)

Ok, I know many of my friends dealing with IF have had to deal with worse than this, but as a needle newbie, it's intimidating!  But you know what, I can do this.  I know I can do this.  I forgot briefly, and the beautiful and amazing Cici was kind enough to remind me - thank you!  <3

So I called at lunch and the results of my b/w seemed to confirm everything and I was told to trigger tomorrow morning, then get freaky this weekend (bow chica bow wow).  The minor hitch: H was invited earlier this week to go on the annual guys trip to Buffalo for a day of tailgating and watching the Bills game on Sunday.  He was sweet enough to even ask whether him being gone Sunday would be ok with timing and stuff, I assumed it would be, since, you know, it will only be CD 9.  Don't try to schedule stuff around IF, it never works out the way you expect!  H is getting picked up from downtown (20mins by car from our house) at 7am and is getting dropped off down there at 10pm ish.  From previous years experience, I expect a drunk and very tired H to be coming home that night.  We'll make it work, nothing like a 6am quickie to start a long ass day, right??  I'm not stabbing myself for nothing, so we're gonna make this work! :P

I leave you with this, a song that normally wouldn't be my style but one I am completely obsessed with right now because it makes me feel strong and think about all of my fellow warriors battling IF  <3

Deja Vu

And my dad's back in the hospital.  @#$%&*&($#!&*   Seriously?  Seriously?!  9 days shy of his scheduled surgery and he's back in the hospital.  I'm having deja vu to my teen years, where it felt like every time we turned around, the other shoe was dropping and we were facing some new health related crisis.  It's starting to feel that way again.  Since last Halloween, he has had 2 hip surgeries and been hospitalized an additional 3 times for pancreatitis attacks, and he has an upcoming surgery in 9 days.  What.The.Fuck?

It has been a tough and confusing day for my mom, they are in their trial separation period and she's dealing with her own stuff about that, but here is my sick dad, going through all of this alone - how can she just not be there for him?  Gah, this all just sucks so much, for everyone.

Onward

I had my CD3 monitoring appt this morning and had a feeling of, "here we go again!"  But I'm going into this cycle being optimistic, at least at this point.  I am temping (which I know can be effected by meds, but I'm still doing it) and OPKs - I will be all over O this cycle!  So I talked to Dr. C (where is Dr. R?!) and she threw out a bunch of different options, which caught me off guard since I thought we discussed this last week.  The plan is to increase the Letrozole (I have 2.5mg pills, I took 1 today, I'll take 2 tomorrow, 3 Wed and 4 on Thurs) and then they want me in on Friday to see how I'm responding.  When I asked about the trigger shot, she said yes for sure, but the issue is getting me to the point of triggering, since last cycle my b/w was so up and down.  So if there's not a good response by Friday, she mentioned adding injects to this cycle.  Oh goody, more needles.  This seemed a little aggressive when she first said it, but I appreciate her wanting to stay on top of all of this and adjusting as we go if necessary.  She seemed almost as set as I am about not missing O and doing everything we can to increase my chances.  I am all for that.  Especially since the price tag on this cycle is already climbing, plus every cycle (and I have only done one with the RE) is physically and emotionally taxing.  I want to feel like it's all worth it for a really good chance this cycle.  Last shot at being KU by Christmas!  I was worried I had to decide right then and there, pre-coffee (I know, that's just crazy!) so I'm glad I can do the Letrozole until Friday and give me a chance to think it all through.  (Any friends/stalkers have any info to share about injects - like telling me it's not that bad, I would love to hear from you, here or on FB or wherever you like to stalk :P)

The second thing she threw out was sperm wash and IUI.  This would be about the time that my head started spinning a little.  I know that's an option, I just thought it was a cycle or two further down the road.  I want to talk to H about it, since this is quite a jump for him, he had trouble wrapping his head around adding injects - he's like, "I thought we were doing the meds for a few cycles first??"  I obviously want to make sure he and I are on the same page about moving forward.  I feel like it's jumping down the line, like we should do 3 cycles of meds because...that's "normal"?  That's obviously stupid, why waste 3 cycles, and put my body, mind and soul, through it all if we don't have a great shot?  I want to maximize every opportunity, since they come about so infrequently.  Obviously we will see where we're at on Friday, hopefully I've responded well and we can trigger and that's it, but if they suggest injects, I think I'm prepared to go that route.  And if they say IUI is our best shot, way better than the inject option, I think it would be hard to refuse.  When you start spending hundreds of dollars on a cycle, you really want to make the most of it, throw everything you have into it.  But is that jumping the gun?  My previous blog title of "shades of grey" just keeps running through my head.  There are no simple questions or answers, nothing is cut and dry, it's all confusing and complicated.  And even when you think you know, something can change midway through and you need to decide what to do with the new info.  Someone just tell me the right answer, k?

Update, in gifs

Finally CD1!  But...

And for later...

Where are you???

AF, that is.  CD40/15DPO, mind officially fucked with.  I have still just been having on and off spotting, but that's it.  So with no AF this morning, I got up and tested - BFN.  The RE wanted me in today if I hadn't got AF yet, so I went for b/w this morning.  The nurse who always does it was a little rushed and it ended up hurting way more than it usually does.  Off to a good start!  They said I could call at lunch for the results.  I have been resolved to this cycle being a wash for weeks now, but this is dragging out and making me nuts.  15DPO - that's a first!  And although I was mentally prepared for moving on to the next cycle, this tiny voice kept saying, "maybe, just maybe".  People spot during first trimester, right?  Man, I'm an idiot.  Anyways, I just called to get my results and the receptionist put me on hold.  My hands literally started shaking and that stupid little voice just whispered, "Maybe".  That didn't last long, the nurse got on the phone, said sorry but it was a negative today, come in on CD3.  I get it, I'm not pregnant.  Pee test and blood test have confirmed that.  Ok, so let's just freakin' move on already!!!  AF, just show the fuck up already, you're killing me here!

The cycle that will not end...

CD39/14DPO, according to my second O date.  I thought I was 11DPO when they told me I hadn't actually O'd, so just as I thought the 2ww was wrapping up, it was actually starting all over again.  Awesome.  This is also the second longest cycle I've ever had.  So.Much.Waiting.  I spent the second 2ww being fuming mad at my clinic for mis-confirming O, then super sad about a wasted cycle, and then I got myself focused on the cycle ahead.  I started spotting yesterday and totally expected it to turn into CD1.  Nope.  Woke up early this morning, totally expecting AF - nope.  By mid morning, I was confused.  I know your LP can vary by a day or so and it's really no big deal.  But it's only been recently that I've even started getting to 12-13DPO at all.  My LP used to be more like 10-11 days.  After talking to a few friends, and even though I was spotting this morning, I took a test.  BFN - obviously.  Why did I, even for a moment, think there might actually be a second line there?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  It's now mid afternoon, no AF, just an annoyed me.  Honestly, I haven't wished for AF in 17 months, but mentally, I'm over this cycle and have started to think positively about the next cycle and moving forward, which we can do as soon as AF arrives...any time now.

Faking it

We had a get together on Sunday with my ILs to celebrate my MIL's birthday.  On the Saturday, SIL and I were texting about what to get MIL as a gift, we often go in on things together.  Anyways, after we came up with that plan she texts me, "We know what we're having" (if you're a dedicated stalker, you may remember my SIL is currently pregnant with #2).  They're having another boy!  I congratulated her and texted many exclamation points, but the ache in my heart was so present.  I feel like shit for not being more fully excited.  I am excited, I really am - another nephew is awesome!  I just honestly don't feel as excited as I did with her first, and that makes me feel horrible.  I LOVE being an aunt, I am just having a hard time balancing that against my overwhelming desire and need to be a mom.  IF brain sucks.

Anyways, we had a nice time out for Chinese food dinner, as is tradition.  Then we went back to H's aunt's place for cake and presents.  I was having a pretty down weekend with my parents' stuff and waiting on this cycle to end, so I had to try really hard to pretend everything was fine.  The longer the visit, the harder it got.  I'm sitting there in a room with his whole family, everyone is happy and smiling and loving life.  And I can't stop thinking about my parents' separation.  I look at my ILs and so wish that was still my parents, happy and in love.  My FIL was planning all of these awesome birthday surprises for MIL.  It was just really hard.  Then there's my 3 year old nephew running around, my SIL pregnant with #2 and it's like, everywhere I look, I want what I can't have.  I want my parents to be together and happy.  I want to be pregnant (well actually I want my baby, 17 months later I didn't expect to still be wishing to see two pink lines).  I want to be at a point by Christmas that I could tell close family and friends about the most exciting news of my life (second only to marrying the love of my life).  I want my life to head down the path I always imagined it would.  I want to be happy, genuinely happy, not just happy for now but with a huge hole in my heart.

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and commented here, I so appreciate the kind words and support.  I still haven't told anyone IRL about all of this, I can't seem to find the right words yet.  But I'm thinking about it.  It has meant so much to me to not feel all alone, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

                    

Lost

I am so sick of it all right now and how unbelievably out of control everything feels.  I hide it well from most people, because no one knows about all this stuff with my parents or about IF.  I feel like I'm keeping these huge secrets from my closest friends and it feels shitty.  Yet I still can't seem to find the words to tell them what's going on in my life these days.  It's like a little part of me wants some area of my life not to change so much, I just want to be able to pretend that everything's ok for a little while.

My dad is moving out this morning and my mother is not ok.  She is a complete and utter mess, understandable since her marriage of 40 years is at stake in all of this, the man she loves is moving out and she is terrified of being alone, it's always been an issue for her.  I really believe this will be for the best in the end, I think they could both use some space right now to clear their heads and get some perspective.  He is only going to a temporary place, this is kind of a trial separation to give them both a chance to see what they both want.  I had coffee with my dad this week and it kills me to see this man that I love and respect so much, but whom I have watched struggle with so much shit that life has handed to him, it breaks my heart to see him hurting.  We talked at length about how important it is for him to find someone to talk to, he needs to stop burying his feelings and learn to own them.  I have never heard him utter one angry word about his situation, which has always surprised me.  He has every right to be angry - angry about the colitis, then the improperly monitored prednisone that caused huge side effects, all of his hip surgeries, cancer, now all of this pancreatits shit and yet another surgery - he has every right to be angry, to get pissed off and say, "this fucking sucks" because you know what, it does!  He said he didn't see much of a point to that and I responded that although saying that might not change things, it sure as hell can feel good to let it out.  It's certainly not doing him well to keep it all bottled up inside.  I talked about how much strength, courage, support and inspiration I have received from the amazing women I have met online also dealing with IF.  I have no idea what I would do without you all.  I told him sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, not someone you'll see tomorrow who will give you the sad puppy dog eyes and say, "so, how you doing?" in that knowing way.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside of your every day life.  I think I got through to him so I am hoping he will find a therapist soon.

I am struggling with my mom.  I am having a hard time figuring out what my role in all of this is, and should be.  My mom is one of my best friends, we are so close, and so very similar.  I reached out to my mom's friend, who I am very close to also, because I had no idea where else to turn.  She kept saying I need to stay out of this, I shouldn't be in the middle, these are my parents.  She needs to lean on her friends right now, not her daughter.  And I so hear what she's saying, I don't want to be in the middle, I love them both and want the best for both of them, together or separately.  But I don't know how to pull back and tell my mom I need to remove myself a little from this situation.  I don't want to her feel like she's alone or that I'm not here for her, and to support her, but I can't be her friend through this right now.  I know what it can be like to be going through something huge, and horrible and life altering and feel like you're all alone in it, and I don't want that for her.  But I'm worried she's going to feel like that and I don't know how to manage that, I don't want to let her down.

Everything is such a mess and I can't fix any of it.  I've seen this a few times and I so need to believe it right now:

Shades of Grey

The biggest thing I have learned from IF so far is that there are no certainties, no guarantees, no absolutes.  There's no definitive right answer, there's only a jumble of possibilities, so pick one and hope for the best.

I had an appt with the RE this morning (CD32), and of course on the day I really want to discuss the disaster of last cycle, I get Dr. C (the one I don't like).  In retrospect, maybe it was for the best since I think it made it easier for me to be a little tougher and express my dissatisfaction for this cycle.  I asked many pointed questions about last cycle - I read my lists right before she came in!  She explained some stuff to me, discussed my monitoring appts one by one with me, and unfortunately, while I just wanted to be mad, it sounds like this was a really strange cycle.  She used the word "waves", saying during a couple of appts early on, it really did look like I was gearing up to O, u/s after looked like the egg wasn't there anymore, making them think I had O'd.  More b/w later, it looked like levels had gone down and now we're not so sure about O.  I asked why no one called me at this time and she earnestly said it probably had to do with the fact it was all falling over the Thanksgiving weekend and some other excuses that didn't help much but honestly, this may sound bad, I was just happy to hear her sound a little...apologetic?  She also said this is technically still a diagnostic cycle and they really didn't anticipate this bizarre cycle.  So while I'm peeved and didn't get too many concrete answers (hence the shades of grey), I feel better that I got to say how I've been feeling and I'm happy that she seemed sort of sheepish about misconfirming O.  It's not perfect, but nothing in TTC seems to be.

More importantly, I was interested to hear about our plan for next cycle.  We talked about increasing the Letrozole dosage and adding Ovidrel (trigger shot) this time.  And after the previous part of this conversation, she said that this cycle, we will "micro manage every aspect" of my cycle this time around.  I feel better about this plan, clearly this cycle wasn't ideal as no one can really figure out what happened, or didn't happen. I am supposed to call at noon today to get my b/w results.  If my progesterone and other levels support the idea that I did O, I will just call on CD1, but if it doesn't look like I actually O'd (which would be the first time since starting TTC) they are talking about giving me provera.  I am really hoping I did O and will be getting AF in a few days time.  If we do the trigger, I'm not sure I'll need to be doing OPKs (any opinions??) but I will definitely be temping all cycle, at least then I have some of my own information and am not solely relying on the clinic.  I am just ready to get on with the next cycle.

Update:  I called and my b/w does support that I have ovulated, hooray!  So I'm back in either next Thurs or I call when AF arrives.  I have a pretty good feeling I will be calling before next Thurs.  

For the love of lists!

Ok, so I'm still pissed about this cycle and my lack of monitoring, at the most important times, nonetheless.  I am trying to put that aside and figure out what I, and we (my clinic) can learn from this disastrous cycle.  I have two main areas of concern that I'm going to outline here, so I can get my thoughts straight  before my appt on Thurs (and if any of my awesome friends or stalkers have any to add, please feel free!).  Two main areas of concern a) my monitoring, and b) my response to the Letrozole.

Monitoring:

1. How did they confirm O?
2. What was my progesterone levels on the Tues & Fri after I was told I had O'd?
3. When I was in on Friday, I think Dr. R said my progesterone from the previous Fri was 0.5, which didn't seem to support the notion I had actually O'd.  Who reviewed my b/w that day and decided I had O'd?  It seems Dr. R took one look and wasn't convinced of O, so who made the decision to not follow up on this?  (And can they never get the final say again?!)
4. Dr. R mentioned that the u/s after my supposed O was "cloudy" (I think that's what he said, I was pretty shocked and upset as he was talking to me) - why didn't anyone mention that at the time?  What does that even mean, anyways?
5. If there was any doubt about O, why wasn't I contacted and brought back in for more monitoring the following week?  It's not like I hadn't had a ton of u/s and b/w appts already, what's a couple more?
6. Also, if unsure at all, why not give me another u/s on that Friday, rather than just the b/w?
7. I'm also pissed because they say the stats are good on people getting KU the cycle of, or just after, and SHG - this makes me extra mad.  I realize it's not a question, but I'm extra disappointed that I went through that (which was brutal) and this cycle is almost certainly a bust - we have a very slim chance
8.  What will happen next cycle to ensure I am not incorrectly told that O was confirmed?  (I already plan on sticking with temping and OPKs - they told me once they started monitoring me I could ditch those, but I no longer feel good about that decision and am kicking myself for not doing it this cycle - so much for handing over control to them!)

Letrozole

1. My mid-cycle u/s's had seemed to indicate things were progressing ok, in retrospect, what do you think now?
2. I normally O between CD18-21.  How does it make sense that taking Letrozole seemed to delay O until CD25?  (that's still iffy too!)
3. What is the plan for next cycle then?  Increase the dosage?  Add a trigger?  

Sometimes I just need to remind myself to stay positive and hopeful, as hard as that can sometimes be, which is why I took a browse through my secret IF Pinterest board to read some encouraging quotes.  Fake it til you make it, right?

*Updates in green

Friday Frustrations...

You've been warned.

My father is moving out.  It was sort of a joint decision, although my mother is devastated.  But they couldn't keep going the way they were, it was breaking them both down into people I barely recognized.  They both deserve a chance to be happy, and while it breaks my heart that in order to achieve that, they might call it quits for good, no one is happy as it stands right now and this limbo has felt a lot more like hell than purgatory.  My dad isn't buying a place but hopefully renting a room for a few months.  Hopefully this space will be a much needed breather for both of them and they can gain some perspective and decide what they both want, separately.  So while I think this is the best thing right now, it really fucking sucks and that's all I can manage about this right now.

On to the next topic, my cycle.  I was thinking I'm 11DPO today and had an RE appt.  I didn't want to be surprised (it's the control freak in me) so I decided to POAS this morning; BFN, big surprise.  I was a little bummed, I had a shimmer of hope for this cycle, at least we did something new and different, we added the Letrozole and a shit load of b/w and tv u/s - I figured it's probably the best shot we've had yet.  But the realist in me just thought that would all be way too easy, and if you've been reading my blog, you may have noticed that things don't seem to come all that easy.  So with a bummed but ok head space I headed to the RE.  I was just going for b/w but then they decided last minute to throw in the dildo cam too.  I saw Dr. R afterwards and expected him to say call on CD1 or whatever, maybe talk about next cycle.  To my surprise, he said that it didn't look like I actually ovulated.  Pause.  Seriously??  In my 14 cycles of TTC and charting and stuff, I have never not ovulated, never.  And the cycle I take fertility meds, am under the very constant care of an RE, I don't ovulate.  Are you freaking kidding me?!  He said last Friday's b/w (I was 4DPO, or so I thought) my progesterone was quite low making him think I hadn't really O'd.  I am supposed to call at noon to get the results of today's b/w to confirm.  He said if I didn't O then he'll probably give me provera so we can get going with the next cycle.  I am incredibly frustrated by all of this.  I'm way more upset about not Oing than I am about the BFN.  If I didn't O, then the last 11 days that I've been thinking, "Maybe...just maybe" has all been for nothing, we didn't even have a shot this cycle.  Grrrrrr.

Ok, since all I seem to do here is bitch and moan, I finally have one good thing to share so I'm going to end on a positive note.  H and I sealed the deal on my new car this week!  2014 Subaru Forester :D  I am so freaking excited, I get to pick it up Tues!  Come on, Tues!!!  I have loved my Acura, it's been a great car, but it's time to upgrade to a newer, safer, bigger vehicle.

Update:  I just spoke to the nurse who said my progesterone is 5 making them think I *just* O'd, like maybe yesterday or something.  It has been a seriously shitty week (please see bitchfest #1 above) which doesn't exactly get me in the mood, so if I actually just O'd, we have no shot this cycle.  I am really pissed off about all of this.  If there was any doubt I had O'd, they should have kept monitoring me.  Shit, they had me in often enough early on, why stop if you're not absolutely sure.  I can't believe our first medicated cycle a) made me O later than I normally do on my own, when they said the opposite should have happened, and b) and we have no shot!  Our worst cycle in 16 months is when we're with the RE and I'm taking drugs.  If they had indicated there was even a question of O, I would have kept temping, using OPKs and making sure we were having plenty of sex.  Now I've done all of this - drugs and a shit ton of needles and vag cams, for nothing.  Is it an acceptable hour to commence drinking?  

Mercy

Ok, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  I can literally feel myself stressing out and I just want to yell.  I mentioned briefly in the Thanksgiving post that things are still all kinds of awkward with my parents.  I was actually wanting to talk to my parents, separately, to see what is going on.  This limbo is so hard, it's draining, it's emotional, and it's a big secret to everyone except immediate family, you guys, and a few awesome friends that let me vent to them - you know who you are.

My mom just called to tell me that my dad is back in the hospital.  She was at work this morning, she has a part time job in the mornings, and he called and asked her to come home.  She said she was almost done work and he insisted she come home now, it was an emergency.  She asked if it was our family dog (who is getting very old, we're all worried it could really be any time for her) and he said no, it was for him.  He had another attack of pancreatitis this morning.  She said she has never, in 40 years, seen him like that.  He was shades of grey and vomiting and in a great deal of pain.  We are a family very familiar with pain, so our go to question is the pain scale, 1-10.  He said it was a 10.  He has NEVER said it was a 10, never.  Even through 10+ hip surgeries, cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, etc, he has never said 10.  It kills me because I know he must have been in an excruciating amount of pain to say that.  My mom did what she had to do (i.e. turn on the water works) to get him a bed at the hospital (unlike last time) and he's been given something for the pain and is currently asleep.  They're doing b/w and will need to do a scan afterwards.

Funny enough (in a not really funny kind of way), he has an appt next week with the surgeon so they could discuss whether or not to remove the gallbladder.  And because this is my father we're talking about, it couldn't be the simple laparoscopic surgery anybody else would have, no of course not, that would be too easy.  Instead, because of the surgery from when he had cancer (he has a colostomy bag) they would need to basically cut him wide open.  That means a more intense surgery, I'm guessing increased risks, longer recovery.  But this doesn't surprise us, we go through this every time.  We never get the easy way out, we never get the 'best case scenario', everything for us has to be the hardest way possible.  I am so fucking mad right now and I'm fighting back tears because I feel totally helpless.  As if IF isn't enough for my plate right now, I have my parents marriage hanging in limbo, my father's health concerns, enough already!  Did you ever play that Mercy game as a kid?  Where you interlock your hands/fingers with someone else and then bend them back until the other person says "mercy"?  (It sounds way more horrible describing it now).  In my Mercy fight with the universe, I give, MERCY!!