ROOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

"ROAR"

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

FUIF!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad I work at home...

Cause then no one can see me when I start crying at my desk, for the second time today.  I had b/w this morning and on my way there, in the car, the song Anything Can Happen started playing, and I thought, wow, what if...I so wanted that to be a sign.  On my way home, I drive right past a Dollarama, so I stopped and picked up an HPT.  For the first time ever, I had actually saved my FMU in a cup in the bathroom so I used that when I got back, I didn't have tests at home this morning but wanted to make sure to use FMU.  I just called the RE's office and as expected, the news was not good - a big fat fucking no.  I feel so defeated.  I know I will pick myself back up again, but today, today I am sad, really sad.  Even H said he had really high hopes for this cycle, but here we are, going through the exact same thing as the last 15 cycles.  FUCK!

Please let me not have another 15 day LP, let's just get on with it, timing is already tight for next month with H's business trip and I really need to have at least one more shot this year.  Cycle 17, here we come.

Fizzling out...

My optimism for this cycle, that is.  9DPO I was feeling hopeful, 10DPO, less so.  I temped this morning, 11DPO, and my temp was still pretty high so against my better judgment, I POAS.  Stark white, BFFN.  After testing out my trigger, I now know what a "shadow" or a "squinter" looks like - that was obviously not the case this morning, it was very obviously negative.  I have an appt with my RE for b/w tomorrow, so I guess I'll know for sure by lunch tomorrow, but I am quickly losing hope that this will be our cycle.

This makes my mind start racing through the next cycle.  If I get the results that I am expecting tomorrow, I am hoping I don't have another 15 day LP, I just want to get on with the next cycle.  This was our second cycle with meds, first with a trigger.  Next cycle, H is away on business from Dec 13-19, so I am really hoping that I O early again.  I hate the idea of a wasted cycle, but I also don't want to take the meds if I don't O early and he's gone - then the cycle is a wash, but I took fertility meds for nothing.  I know I responded well this cycle, so I am hoping that the RE feels optimistic about an early O again next cycle, because this certainly isn't my norm.  This is what FF currently predicts; notice the dates my H is away all have a green box around them:

The thought of going into what will likely be our last cycle of 2013 makes me really sad.  It's already almost been a year and a half, but turning over the calendar after a whole year of TTC and still never knowing a BFP just really stings.  There are also only 3-4 more cycles that could even give me a due date in 2014.  How depressing is that thought??  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but that's just how I roll, I can't help it.  I need to mentally prepare myself for a definitive BFN tomorrow, it's my defense mechanism.  And being a planner, I need to have my plan B in place, which is why I immediately start thinking about the next cycle.

I guess I'm just having a rough IF day, this roller coaster sucks and I'd really like to get off soon...but at the stop I have been dreaming about since as long as I can remember - motherhood.  I know a BFN at 11DPO is not definitive, but I am afraid of letting myself remain hopeful because as much as I don't want to admit it, that BFN this morning shook me a little; as much as I tried to stay cool, I definitely got my hopes up.  I really, really wanted to see a real second line.

9DPO

And just waiting...

Even if it's your 16th 2WW, it still sucks.  My husband will tell you, I am not great with all the waiting around, I'm a do-er. I decided to stop testing, yesterday's test showed the trigger was pretty well gone.  I had to debate and move it around to determine if there really was a line there (I decided on seeing a shadow).  So I am now down to 1 HPT left in the house and thinking I will try to hold out until Friday to test again (unless my pee-stick pushing friends make me cave!).  My RE wants me in for b/w on Friday, so I figure even if I have questionable results from an HPT that morning, by lunch they'll have my b/w back and be able to confirm.  I got a pretty high temp this morning, I'm trying not to let my hopes climb up with it, because I've seen high temps around this time....right before they plummeted and AF arrived.  You really can't read too much into anything, but damn it's hard!  Look at the pretty chart:

Ok, Friday, hurry up and get here already!

I also have to admit, I'm starting to feel the totally self-inflicted pressure of the holidays and the end of the year.  The idea of a whole calendar year going by and still not being pregnant, is just...hard to take.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will get one more cycle before year end.  I also just found out yesterday that H will probably have to be in China from around Dec. 14-19 (FF's predicted FW), which means I would have to be hoping for another early O to have a shot next cycle.  And that's all up in the air - his dates aren't set, nor is my cycle.  I know, I know - cross that bridge when you get to it, but it's hard to not always be thinking about the next cycle.  And if the last chance of 2013 comes down to our inability to have good timing because of this trip...I will not be a happy camper.  You really can't plan around IF, because no cycle is the same, everything is always up in the air and last minute.  This is hard for a planner/organizer like myself to handle, but I do, since I really don't have any other choice.  I just really want to make the most of every opportunity, including next cycle, provided there is one (but please not!!).

So there really can be two lines...(not for real though!)

Commence plan Test out Trigger.  I keep thinking that if I ended up caving and testing earlier than I usually do (11 or 12 DPO) I would not be able to believe any hint of a line, if there actually was one.  And I could see myself caving earlier this cycle than others, because it's the first medicated cycle that's gone well, we have a decent shot.  I am having trouble not getting my hopes up; I keep flip flopping between being hopeful, and expecting the same result as the last 15 cycles.  So, I got up this morning and POAS.  There's a line.  Obviously, I am 6dpt, this isn't all that surprising.  But as I was waiting for that line to pop up, I couldn't help but expect nothing, as I'm used to stark white HPTs.  But sure enough, there it was.  This pretty little line staring back at me.

I know it's stupid, because logically I know why there are two lines, but it somehow gave me a little bit of hope.  This is the first time in 17 months there has ever been a second line.  What if, one day, there's a second line for real?  I have had trouble even imaging that lately, so in one sense, it was nice to think that this could legitimately be in my (hopefully near) future.  I will continue to test it out so I can confirm when it's really gone, then at least I know any results after that are legit.

Friday bitch: I went for b/w this morning and it's always the same woman that does it.  She's often good, but last week she was off her game.  Then I had a good draw.  Then this morning's - holy crap, it hurt!  She did one of those 'stick the needle in, miss the vein, and start digging around' things.  It really hurt by the time she got it, worst b/w yet.  Let's hope she gets it together for my appt next week!

Positive Vibes

It's surgery day for my dad.  He is scheduled as the last patient of the day, likely because he is the most complicated case.  From what I gather, the surgery will go one of two ways.  They will either be able to remove the gallbladder laparoscopically, which would be a relatively quick surgery and he would be released this evening sometime.  If not, they will have to do a much more invasive incision to open him up to remove it.  This would mean they keep him overnight in recovery.  Fingers crossed for the first option!

One thing that has always bothered me about medical stuff, and definitely in the world of both my dad's health and IF, the doctors never know until they get there.  They won't know which surgery will work until they get into the OR.  I am trying to remain positive about it all, but it's hard not to think about all of his health related stuff that always seemed to be the more complicated option.  He rarely seems to get the easy way out of anything, but I am wishing and hoping that this will be the exception to that trend.  He could really use a break, he could really use a win.  I won't know anything for hours, surgery is around 2:30pm, so I will just have to anxiously await an update.

Update:  After keeping him waiting an extra hour or two because they were running behind, I just heard he's out and it was the easy surgery!!!  I was totally expecting the worst, because that's how it usually goes, but this time, this time we got the easy path!!!  Excuse me while I bust out in a happy dance:

He'll be home in time to watch the Leafs game, which is what he was hoping for :D

The Stork Award!

Thank you to my girl, ChickinNH (who's blog Diary of a Little Chicken is amazingly awesome and I yearn to stalk) for the compliment of being nominated for The Stork Award!  I started this blog as an online diary really, to help deal with the struggle of TTC and IF and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that.  I never imagined anyone would actually read it, and I sure as hell didn't anticipate making such amazing friends, but I am so grateful that I have.

ETA: You can read more about the Stork Award and how it stared here.

Here's how The Stork Award works: 
1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog post
2. Link to the blog that nominated you 
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate other bloggers
5. Ask your nominees their ten questions
6. Let your nominees know they've been awarded
7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined

Questions from ChickinNH:
1. Share a favorite memory from when you were little.  I was 7 years old and I had my first real date - with my dad.  We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory then to see the Nutcracker, the ballet.  I felt like such a grown up, on my first date, had my dad all to myself.  It was awesome :)

2. What was the best part of your day today?  Can I say being nominated for something??  Besides that though, I would say my lunch time walk with Abby.  It's a cold but beautiful day here, the sun is shining and she didn't pull my arm off - it was a great way to spend my lunch :)

3. Besides your marriage, what is the most important relationship in your life?  My parents.  If you follow my blog you know things have been....rough.  But I am honestly so close with my parents, I talk to them both pretty much every day.  I am grateful that as I grew up and became an adult, our relationship changed from parent/child to parent/child/friend.  I love them both more than words.

4. Favorite food/drink? (only one!)  I go through phases with food (obsessive phases) but right now, I am addicted to what we call "yummy eggs" around here - basically eggs benedict (but with turkey bacon since we don't eat bacon - I know, the horror!)  For my drink, I will choose my H's white wine spritzer - he makes it just perfect!

5. What are you most proud of?  That's tough, part of me wants to say my degree, which I worked hard for, but I honestly think I'm most proud of the life I have - my amazing H, Abby, our house, the family and friends we surround ourselves with, that's what matters most to me.

6. Describe yourself in 5 words. (Stealing this one!)  Loyal, honest, opinionated (but hopefully not in an annoying way!), strong, empathetic.

7. Describe your perfect day.  It starts with a good sleep in, not having to set the alarm or wake up for anything, not even to take Abby out for a pee!  Then I'd make an awesome cappuccino with our machine that I love.  Eggs Benny.  Hanging out with H and Abby on a warm and beautiful day so we could enjoy a trip to the park without me being cold (not easy to do!).  Afternoon delight ;)  (hey, you said a perfect day!) And since I'm going with the perfect day, finding out I'm finally KU.

8. If you could travel anywhere in the world for free where would you go?  Australia, NZ & Fiji - yes, it would all be one trip while I'm down in that part of the world!  And for free, I'll take first class for that long ass flight, please!

9. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be?  Abby.  She is the least productive worker, all she does is snooze all day, go for walks, play with puppies, chase balls - they say it's a dog's life for a reason, right??

10. If you won a million dollars tomorrow, what's the first thing you would buy with it?  Fertility treatments!  LOL.  I would search for, and hopefully find, our "forever" home.  We bought this house knowing we will out grow it, and fast!  So I would buy a bigger house with a yard.

Nominating some of my favourite blogs to stalk that I haven't seen nominated yet:
The Happy Life - an awesome blog by my friend Ana.  I stalk this blog like it's my business.  I swear some of your posts I could have written.  I am so glad to have found you along this journey, I am always rooting for you!!!

Moving Toward the Light - another blog I shamelessly stalk!  Girl, you know I have everything crossed for you!!  I couldn't NOT nominate you for The Stork Award!

Almost Honest - I have been stalking this blog for quite some time now.  Sun, you are an amazingly strong woman, you inspire me with your honesty and courage.  I am always stalking and rooting for you!   Andplusalso, this blog won our TTGP Awards for Best Blog, so clearly I'm not the only dedicated stalker!

Here are the 10 questions for my nominees (I'm passing along the disclaimer that this is supposed to be fun as a way to get to know each other a little better so please don't feel pressure to do this if you don't want to or don't have time!)

1. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
2. List 3 of your best personality traits
3. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
4. What are 3 things on your bucket list?
5. Do you have any hidden talents?
6. What is the best vacation you have ever taken?
7. What's the best meal you've ever had?
8. What's the best gift you've ever given?
9. Aside from food, water, and shelter, what is one thing could you not go a day without?
10. In everyday life, what is your number one pet peeve?

What in the what??

CD10 today and had an appt with the RE.  U/s and b/w confirmed O - woo hoo!!!  That means I O'd on CD9, hence the title of this post, my mind is baffled!  Cue happy dance!

My progesterone today is 4.6, which doesn't mean much to me, everything I can find has levels at 7DPO but the nurse said that level did support that I had O'd, the RE said this morning that my u/s looked like both follies had been released.  It also means we had good timing this cycle, after a rather busy weekend ;)  I feel like it will be hard not to get my hopes up this cycle, since it's really the first medicated AND with good timing.  I think because of this, I might test out my trigger.  I would hate to test at 11 or 12 DPO (which is early for me to test but I could see myself caving this cycle) and be unsure about whether the results mean something or if it's still from the trigger.  It will be weird to see two lines show up, even if I know it's not for real, I have never seen two lines before!  Now it's on to the dreaded 2ww, here's to hoping!

Ready, set, trigger!

This is how I felt this morning:

It really wasn't as bad as I thought.  You ladies were all right, the anticipation was the worst part!  I put on Katy Perry's Roar to pump myself up, prepped and just did it before I had a chance to think about it too much.  A few years ago, I may have complained more, but with all the bloodwork and everything else these days, it really was no big deal.  But it does still seem weird that I stabbed myself with a needle in the tummy today.  Here's to hoping my body continues to cooperate and things run smoothly so at the least, we have a good shot this cycle, and at best....nope, not even going to say it!  Hope you're all enjoying your weekend :)

Friday Update

It's CD7 today, I did my Letrozole Mon-Thurs this week and went for my monitoring appt this morning.  I was nervous going, I was really expecting them to say I didn't have much of a response and we should look at injects.  I was very pleasantly surprised when Dr. C (seriously, where is Dr. R??) said my response was really good!  I have a 19mm and a 15mm that she was really happy with.  So they sent me home with Ovidrel, a trigger shot, after a quick tutorial on how to do it.  (I played it cool, but in my head I was like, "OMG I have to jab myself in the stomach with that?!)

Ok, I know many of my friends dealing with IF have had to deal with worse than this, but as a needle newbie, it's intimidating!  But you know what, I can do this.  I know I can do this.  I forgot briefly, and the beautiful and amazing Cici was kind enough to remind me - thank you!  <3

So I called at lunch and the results of my b/w seemed to confirm everything and I was told to trigger tomorrow morning, then get freaky this weekend (bow chica bow wow).  The minor hitch: H was invited earlier this week to go on the annual guys trip to Buffalo for a day of tailgating and watching the Bills game on Sunday.  He was sweet enough to even ask whether him being gone Sunday would be ok with timing and stuff, I assumed it would be, since, you know, it will only be CD 9.  Don't try to schedule stuff around IF, it never works out the way you expect!  H is getting picked up from downtown (20mins by car from our house) at 7am and is getting dropped off down there at 10pm ish.  From previous years experience, I expect a drunk and very tired H to be coming home that night.  We'll make it work, nothing like a 6am quickie to start a long ass day, right??  I'm not stabbing myself for nothing, so we're gonna make this work! :P

I leave you with this, a song that normally wouldn't be my style but one I am completely obsessed with right now because it makes me feel strong and think about all of my fellow warriors battling IF  <3

Deja Vu

And my dad's back in the hospital.  @#$%&*&($#!&*   Seriously?  Seriously?!  9 days shy of his scheduled surgery and he's back in the hospital.  I'm having deja vu to my teen years, where it felt like every time we turned around, the other shoe was dropping and we were facing some new health related crisis.  It's starting to feel that way again.  Since last Halloween, he has had 2 hip surgeries and been hospitalized an additional 3 times for pancreatitis attacks, and he has an upcoming surgery in 9 days.  What.The.Fuck?

It has been a tough and confusing day for my mom, they are in their trial separation period and she's dealing with her own stuff about that, but here is my sick dad, going through all of this alone - how can she just not be there for him?  Gah, this all just sucks so much, for everyone.

Onward

I had my CD3 monitoring appt this morning and had a feeling of, "here we go again!"  But I'm going into this cycle being optimistic, at least at this point.  I am temping (which I know can be effected by meds, but I'm still doing it) and OPKs - I will be all over O this cycle!  So I talked to Dr. C (where is Dr. R?!) and she threw out a bunch of different options, which caught me off guard since I thought we discussed this last week.  The plan is to increase the Letrozole (I have 2.5mg pills, I took 1 today, I'll take 2 tomorrow, 3 Wed and 4 on Thurs) and then they want me in on Friday to see how I'm responding.  When I asked about the trigger shot, she said yes for sure, but the issue is getting me to the point of triggering, since last cycle my b/w was so up and down.  So if there's not a good response by Friday, she mentioned adding injects to this cycle.  Oh goody, more needles.  This seemed a little aggressive when she first said it, but I appreciate her wanting to stay on top of all of this and adjusting as we go if necessary.  She seemed almost as set as I am about not missing O and doing everything we can to increase my chances.  I am all for that.  Especially since the price tag on this cycle is already climbing, plus every cycle (and I have only done one with the RE) is physically and emotionally taxing.  I want to feel like it's all worth it for a really good chance this cycle.  Last shot at being KU by Christmas!  I was worried I had to decide right then and there, pre-coffee (I know, that's just crazy!) so I'm glad I can do the Letrozole until Friday and give me a chance to think it all through.  (Any friends/stalkers have any info to share about injects - like telling me it's not that bad, I would love to hear from you, here or on FB or wherever you like to stalk :P)

The second thing she threw out was sperm wash and IUI.  This would be about the time that my head started spinning a little.  I know that's an option, I just thought it was a cycle or two further down the road.  I want to talk to H about it, since this is quite a jump for him, he had trouble wrapping his head around adding injects - he's like, "I thought we were doing the meds for a few cycles first??"  I obviously want to make sure he and I are on the same page about moving forward.  I feel like it's jumping down the line, like we should do 3 cycles of meds because...that's "normal"?  That's obviously stupid, why waste 3 cycles, and put my body, mind and soul, through it all if we don't have a great shot?  I want to maximize every opportunity, since they come about so infrequently.  Obviously we will see where we're at on Friday, hopefully I've responded well and we can trigger and that's it, but if they suggest injects, I think I'm prepared to go that route.  And if they say IUI is our best shot, way better than the inject option, I think it would be hard to refuse.  When you start spending hundreds of dollars on a cycle, you really want to make the most of it, throw everything you have into it.  But is that jumping the gun?  My previous blog title of "shades of grey" just keeps running through my head.  There are no simple questions or answers, nothing is cut and dry, it's all confusing and complicated.  And even when you think you know, something can change midway through and you need to decide what to do with the new info.  Someone just tell me the right answer, k?

Update, in gifs

Finally CD1!  But...

And for later...

Where are you???

AF, that is.  CD40/15DPO, mind officially fucked with.  I have still just been having on and off spotting, but that's it.  So with no AF this morning, I got up and tested - BFN.  The RE wanted me in today if I hadn't got AF yet, so I went for b/w this morning.  The nurse who always does it was a little rushed and it ended up hurting way more than it usually does.  Off to a good start!  They said I could call at lunch for the results.  I have been resolved to this cycle being a wash for weeks now, but this is dragging out and making me nuts.  15DPO - that's a first!  And although I was mentally prepared for moving on to the next cycle, this tiny voice kept saying, "maybe, just maybe".  People spot during first trimester, right?  Man, I'm an idiot.  Anyways, I just called to get my results and the receptionist put me on hold.  My hands literally started shaking and that stupid little voice just whispered, "Maybe".  That didn't last long, the nurse got on the phone, said sorry but it was a negative today, come in on CD3.  I get it, I'm not pregnant.  Pee test and blood test have confirmed that.  Ok, so let's just freakin' move on already!!!  AF, just show the fuck up already, you're killing me here!

The cycle that will not end...

CD39/14DPO, according to my second O date.  I thought I was 11DPO when they told me I hadn't actually O'd, so just as I thought the 2ww was wrapping up, it was actually starting all over again.  Awesome.  This is also the second longest cycle I've ever had.  So.Much.Waiting.  I spent the second 2ww being fuming mad at my clinic for mis-confirming O, then super sad about a wasted cycle, and then I got myself focused on the cycle ahead.  I started spotting yesterday and totally expected it to turn into CD1.  Nope.  Woke up early this morning, totally expecting AF - nope.  By mid morning, I was confused.  I know your LP can vary by a day or so and it's really no big deal.  But it's only been recently that I've even started getting to 12-13DPO at all.  My LP used to be more like 10-11 days.  After talking to a few friends, and even though I was spotting this morning, I took a test.  BFN - obviously.  Why did I, even for a moment, think there might actually be a second line there?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  It's now mid afternoon, no AF, just an annoyed me.  Honestly, I haven't wished for AF in 17 months, but mentally, I'm over this cycle and have started to think positively about the next cycle and moving forward, which we can do as soon as AF arrives...any time now.

Faking it

We had a get together on Sunday with my ILs to celebrate my MIL's birthday.  On the Saturday, SIL and I were texting about what to get MIL as a gift, we often go in on things together.  Anyways, after we came up with that plan she texts me, "We know what we're having" (if you're a dedicated stalker, you may remember my SIL is currently pregnant with #2).  They're having another boy!  I congratulated her and texted many exclamation points, but the ache in my heart was so present.  I feel like shit for not being more fully excited.  I am excited, I really am - another nephew is awesome!  I just honestly don't feel as excited as I did with her first, and that makes me feel horrible.  I LOVE being an aunt, I am just having a hard time balancing that against my overwhelming desire and need to be a mom.  IF brain sucks.

Anyways, we had a nice time out for Chinese food dinner, as is tradition.  Then we went back to H's aunt's place for cake and presents.  I was having a pretty down weekend with my parents' stuff and waiting on this cycle to end, so I had to try really hard to pretend everything was fine.  The longer the visit, the harder it got.  I'm sitting there in a room with his whole family, everyone is happy and smiling and loving life.  And I can't stop thinking about my parents' separation.  I look at my ILs and so wish that was still my parents, happy and in love.  My FIL was planning all of these awesome birthday surprises for MIL.  It was just really hard.  Then there's my 3 year old nephew running around, my SIL pregnant with #2 and it's like, everywhere I look, I want what I can't have.  I want my parents to be together and happy.  I want to be pregnant (well actually I want my baby, 17 months later I didn't expect to still be wishing to see two pink lines).  I want to be at a point by Christmas that I could tell close family and friends about the most exciting news of my life (second only to marrying the love of my life).  I want my life to head down the path I always imagined it would.  I want to be happy, genuinely happy, not just happy for now but with a huge hole in my heart.

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and commented here, I so appreciate the kind words and support.  I still haven't told anyone IRL about all of this, I can't seem to find the right words yet.  But I'm thinking about it.  It has meant so much to me to not feel all alone, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

                    

Lost

I am so sick of it all right now and how unbelievably out of control everything feels.  I hide it well from most people, because no one knows about all this stuff with my parents or about IF.  I feel like I'm keeping these huge secrets from my closest friends and it feels shitty.  Yet I still can't seem to find the words to tell them what's going on in my life these days.  It's like a little part of me wants some area of my life not to change so much, I just want to be able to pretend that everything's ok for a little while.

My dad is moving out this morning and my mother is not ok.  She is a complete and utter mess, understandable since her marriage of 40 years is at stake in all of this, the man she loves is moving out and she is terrified of being alone, it's always been an issue for her.  I really believe this will be for the best in the end, I think they could both use some space right now to clear their heads and get some perspective.  He is only going to a temporary place, this is kind of a trial separation to give them both a chance to see what they both want.  I had coffee with my dad this week and it kills me to see this man that I love and respect so much, but whom I have watched struggle with so much shit that life has handed to him, it breaks my heart to see him hurting.  We talked at length about how important it is for him to find someone to talk to, he needs to stop burying his feelings and learn to own them.  I have never heard him utter one angry word about his situation, which has always surprised me.  He has every right to be angry - angry about the colitis, then the improperly monitored prednisone that caused huge side effects, all of his hip surgeries, cancer, now all of this pancreatits shit and yet another surgery - he has every right to be angry, to get pissed off and say, "this fucking sucks" because you know what, it does!  He said he didn't see much of a point to that and I responded that although saying that might not change things, it sure as hell can feel good to let it out.  It's certainly not doing him well to keep it all bottled up inside.  I talked about how much strength, courage, support and inspiration I have received from the amazing women I have met online also dealing with IF.  I have no idea what I would do without you all.  I told him sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, not someone you'll see tomorrow who will give you the sad puppy dog eyes and say, "so, how you doing?" in that knowing way.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside of your every day life.  I think I got through to him so I am hoping he will find a therapist soon.

I am struggling with my mom.  I am having a hard time figuring out what my role in all of this is, and should be.  My mom is one of my best friends, we are so close, and so very similar.  I reached out to my mom's friend, who I am very close to also, because I had no idea where else to turn.  She kept saying I need to stay out of this, I shouldn't be in the middle, these are my parents.  She needs to lean on her friends right now, not her daughter.  And I so hear what she's saying, I don't want to be in the middle, I love them both and want the best for both of them, together or separately.  But I don't know how to pull back and tell my mom I need to remove myself a little from this situation.  I don't want to her feel like she's alone or that I'm not here for her, and to support her, but I can't be her friend through this right now.  I know what it can be like to be going through something huge, and horrible and life altering and feel like you're all alone in it, and I don't want that for her.  But I'm worried she's going to feel like that and I don't know how to manage that, I don't want to let her down.

Everything is such a mess and I can't fix any of it.  I've seen this a few times and I so need to believe it right now: