Update on H's Grandmother

It's been a tough week for our family, and it is still ongoing.  H & I went to visit Mia (H's grandma) on Thursday evening, my MIL was also there.  It was a long drive there in rush hour traffic, I think we were both looking forward to seeing her, but also a bit anxious as we weren't sure what to expect.  When we got there, she was in bed and looking a bit swollen and frail, but she was happy and in good spirits.  We all sat around reminiscing about the past, we told stories, we laughed - we shared some wonderful memories.  I think her memory is actually better than ours!  She remembered speeches that H gave in middle school, family trips, silly stories from H's childhood - it was truly awesome.  While we were there, H's cousin, who recently moved to Calgary for work, flew home and we got to be there when she walked into the room with her mom and brother.  It was such an amazing surprise!  Mia went from looking slightly confused as she registered what her eyes were seeing, then the tears came.  She kept saying she didn't think cousin would be able to come, and that "this is the best surprise of my life" - it was incredible to see her receive that gift, especially nearing the end.  We continued to visit with all of them for a while before heading home - the puppy can only wait so long for us.  It was tough to leave, not knowing for certain if that would be the last time or not, but we did well and I managed to keep it together until I got home.

It was such a bittersweet visit.  I completely understand Mia's decision, there is no hope for her quality of life to improve, and honestly, she was really happy when we saw her.  I think this decision brought her a real measure of peace, and you could see that in her.  I think if I could write the end to my own life script one day, it would be quite similar.  She has spent the last week, resolved and happy with her decision to end dialysis, surrounded by family and friends, remembering the best moments in her life, getting a chance to say good bye before moving on to a better place.  I am grateful that she gets to be happy at the end.

It's been 8 days since she stopped dialysis.  We were told typically people survive 7-10 days after they stop, so it seems like it could really be any time.  H went up north last night to help his dad with something and is probably at the hospital on his way home right now.  I really hope that he has a nice visit with her today.  My SIL was there yesterday and said Mia is getting noticeably weaker and more tired.  I don't know if I will get a chance to see her again, but if I don't, I really have the best possible last memory with her, one that I will cherish and remember fondly, yet sadly.  My last hope for her is that when the time comes and she's ready to leave this place, that she passes quietly and peacefully, feeling immensely loved, never forgotten.

I'd also like to thank those that left a comment, offering kind wishes and prayers, it has meant a lot to me, makes me feel a little less alone.

Update on TTC Stuff

Friday was my date with the dildo cam.  I recently read a hilarious blogpost from Chickin called, "I didn't pee myself today!" and laughed out loud through it all.  As I sat in the waiting room on Friday, staring at the clock, secretly willing them to call my name, I thought of this post.  Then I cursed Chickin because thinking about it made me laugh a little, which is just asking for trouble with a bladder that full!  When I finally got called in and the tech got started, she even commented, "My, you are full" - what can I say, I follow directions well!  So the tech got started, she was a nice European lady from Poland I believe.  She asked me if I knew I had a retroverted uterus - I said, "A what?"  I think that answered her question.  She said not to worry, it's actually fairly common, she just wanted to tell me, woman to woman, it might be worth it to try other positions during sex.  Her English was pretty good, but I didn't totally get it all until I got to the car and googled "Retroverted uterus" and then it all made sense.  Then I got the best news of the morning - I could go pee!  Which is bittersweet, because that's all I've wanted to do for the last hour and a half, but bummed because it at means we're moving on to the dildo cam, haha.  It was really no big deal, it was over fairly quickly.  There were a few points that were a little uncomfortable, but it really wasn't anything big.  Now I'm just annoyed I have to wait until after vacation to go see my doctor for a follow up.  But at least I got that out of the way.

I'm CD11 now.  My chart looks great, until I compare it to all the previous cycles and realize it doesn't look much different.  I have had phantom symptoms trying to mess with my head, and I've come down with a cold.  So I could easily explain away every symptom I have experienced this week, but there's always this little part of my that says, "But maybe this time it will mean something".  I usually only have an 11 day LP, so I will likely have my answer pretty soon.  Fingers crossed.

Vacation - One week and counting

I have a lot of mixed feelings about our upcoming vacation.  We leave in one week and I'm stressed!  Aren't I silly?  Who stresses themselves out about vacation - me, that's who.  I usually love doing the majority of planning, finding places to stay, activities, etc.  But this trip is really different for me and H has a lot of the experience/knowledge.  He grew up camping and hiking in the Rockies (and all sorts of other crazy places!) - I spent the summers at camp or the cottage.  His family trip - the arctic circle; mine - Disney world.  See how we come from totally different backgrounds on this point??  So I kind of need him to help with more of the planning, but that's not really his forte, plus there's a lot of family stuff going on, so I can't really harp on him.  I know that it's going to be great regardless, I'm just hoping that H remember that I'm a novice hiker/camper here.  He's talking about a 4 day hike - 2 days in, 2 days out.  While it looks spectacular, there's a voice in my head saying, "Are you flucking kidding me??  How am I going to manage that?!"  It ends up being 11km of tough hiking for 4 days straight.  I'm up for a challenge, but I would like to enjoy this vacation too!  But then I look at this, Berg Lake, and I wonder, is it possible?  Could I make it?

It sounds like things are improving at a good pace out west, I think Calgary and other places are going to take some time to rebuild, but north of there, which is mostly where we're headed, seems to be improving.  The highway may be slow, but it sounds like they're now reopened the Trans-Canada highway between Calgary and Banff.  So hopefully things will go smoothly for us.  The obviously worst part is the timing of our trip with the timing of H's grandmother.  I'll get into that in my next post.  At any rate, one week today we will be on a plane heading for Calgary!  Ready or not, here we come!

Grandparents

I do not have all that many awesome grandparents stories or memories, and that makes me sad.  My father lost his dad when he was 18, and my mom's mom passed when I was 6 weeks old.  I lost my Papa when I was 7, so I have some memories of him, but honestly, not all that many.  My Granny survived the longest, she passed when I was in 2nd year university, but we did not have a wonderful relationship - if I'm being honest, she scared me.  She was a lonely old woman who was never very warm and fuzzy, never baked us cookies or watched us after school.  My brother and I would give each other "the look" (Do we have to??) when our parents would tell us we were going for a visit.  While we didn't have a great relationship, I am eternally grateful to her - in the end, she helped fund my university education.  I will always be thankful for that, university was honestly 4 of the best years of my life - where I grew up, learned to think critically, made many lifelong friends, and met my husband.  So now, years later, I do look back fondly on her, but sad we never really had much of a relationship.

When I met H's family, I was amazed to meet his grandmother, Mia.  She was 76 and full of life and energy.  She was a riot!  I remember thinking, "this is what I've always wanted, this is what I missed out on".  She became another grandmother to me too, I just love this woman.  3 year ago, we almost lost her.  She could have been on an episode of House - the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her for quite some time, and during that time, she became incredibly ill, in the ICU and it did not look good.  They eventually discovered she had an autoimmune disorder, the reason it took so long to diagnose was because it usually shows up in 40 year old people, not an 80 year old woman.  She battled back and although her kidneys were not shot, she made a remarkable recovery.  She never did leave the hospital, as she requires dialysis 3 times a week, but she's been able to make it to family holiday dinners and, while being a much more frail woman, she was doing awesome.  A month ago things took a turn for the worse, she started getting some compression fractures in her spine, causing her an obscene amount of pain.  They did a rather experimental procedure, which is huge considering the risks of putting a woman in that shape under general, but they did it because it was her only option at pain relief.  We went to see her a week after the surgery and she seemed ok, all things considered.  We spoke to H's parents last night and she's taken a turn for the worse again.  She has basically decided to stop dialysis, which causes her such trouble (they need to change her line again but it's tough because her veins are paper thin and she has a lot of swelling).  So with that decision, which her doctors support, it's looking like this is coming to an end.

I fully respect her decision, her quality of life is awful at this point, they think she may have another compression fracture in her spine - I don't know many people who would want to live like that with no hope of improvement.  On the other hand, this is devastating for the family, my heart is breaking for my MIL who has been at her bedside nonstop and directing a lot of her care (she used to run the ER at the hospital, people there listen to her and she knows what's what).  This is the last grandparent between H & myself and selfishly, I don't want to lose her, but more than that, I want what's best for her.  I genuinely thought we would get a chance to introduce her to our first baby, which is taking much longer than expected, and at this point is just not an option.  3 months ago I didn't realize how bad things would get for her and how quickly.  We are going to see her tomorrow after work, and by the sounds of it, that might be the last time we get to see her alive.  I'm waiting on an update form H when he hears from his mom, I keep hoping I'll hear different news, but I think deep down, I know any update won't be good news.

I really needed to get this out, I want to be strong for H and for my MIL and family.  Since I can no longer see the screen through the tears, I'm just going to leave off here.

The Waiting Game

Waiting again - that sums up most of TTC.  I'm currently 5DPO and just waiting it out.  I like knowing we've done everything we can do this cycle, we had good timing, so now all there is to do is wait.  So here's my anthem, which I also share with the awesome RunCC who also posted this on her blog:

So I have my u/s scheduled for Friday morning which I am both looking forward to and not.  Who actually wants to go for a pelvic u/s?  Yeah, not me.  But I will be happy to have it done so I can go see my doctor after our vacation in a few weeks.  I'm secretly hoping we get our BFP at the end of this 2WW so I don't need to see her about a referral but rather because I'm pregnant, but I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of vacation, have you been following the flooding news in Calgary??  My heart goes out to the people there, what devastation they face.  There is going to be a lot of rebuilding happening.  I wonder how they will fare with the upcoming Stampede.  Very selfishly, this is our one vacation for the year, plane tickets are already booked and now I'm really unsure about what this crazy flooding means for our trip.  I've seen pictures of bridges completely washed out.  I did say I was being selfish here - I really hope that we're still able to get around to all of the places we have our hearts set on seeing.  Silver lining, which H just reminded me of the other day - we were originally planning to go the last two weeks of June, which is now, so happy we pushed it back a couple of weeks.  In preparation, we stopped at an outdoorsy store yesterday and bought me some good quality hiking pants - 25% off too!  I love a good sale :)  Here's to hoping the emergency in Calgary/Alberta eases soon, that everyone there is ok (or as ok as you can be through this) and that we still get to have an awesome vacation.

What up?

Updates
30 Day Ab Challenge: It's day 11, if I'm being honest, it's been tough, I'm out of shape, but I'm sticking with it!

My cycle: I think I'm O-ing today (or perhaps tomorrow), I had a positive OPK yesterday, this morning's was questionable but pretty dark still, looks like it's fading out as usual.  Let's just say it's been a fun week at our house ;)

Moving forward: After allowing myself a day to be sad about hitting our one year mark, I picked up the phone to make the first couple of calls, baby steps, if you will.  When I saw my GP last month, she said try another couple of months and if we're not pregnant, she wants me to get an u/s and then go back to see her.  So I booked my u/s appointment for June 28th (I was going to book it for the following week, right before we leave for vacation, but I don't want to take a chance I'd be on my period when I go - can you say awkward?).  I also booked my follow up appointment with my doctor, but not until July 26, after we get back from vacation.  I assume that in this appointment, if I'm not KU I'll get a referral for an RE.  So while not much has changed since yesterday, I feel better about booking these initial appointments.

Our One Year Anniversary

Since we ditched the birth control.  One year since I signed up for Fertility Friend.  One year of TTC and nothing to show for it except a crap load of pee sticks, empty bottles of Preseed, months of completed charts and a knot growing in the pit of my stomach that feels like this isn't going to happen for us, at least not the way I always imagined it would.

When we decided to pull the goalie, I remember thinking that the first month wouldn't be ideal since H had a big ski trip planned for March; wouldn't it be terrible if I were 9 months pregnant and he were leaving on a trip!   I remember being so hopeful; I was excited to wake up and temp every morning, I was excited to pee on sticks, I would wake up at 4:30am at 10DPO and try not to get up and pee so I could hold it and test with FMU when I got up.  Sigh, how my perspective has changed since then.  I do love charting, I love the knowledge I am able to gather from it, I have enjoyed learning about my cycle, but I'm feeling pretty well versed in TTC and would really like to move on to the next part, the being pregnant part, the being a mom part.

This has been a roller coaster ride, and a mindfluck for the most part.  I have learned to chalk up all 2WW "symptoms" to PMS, they don't mean shit unless you get that second line.  Last cycle, by the 2WW I was officially out of OPKs, HPTs and Preseed and I thought, "Wouldn't this be the perfect time to get a BFP?  No more TTC "tools" around, it would be perfect!"  Because I didn't have any HPTs in the house, I just waited for AF to show up, like always - and it did, but not until a day later than usual, just to screw with my head one more time.

Every holiday that arrives, every family dinner I'm at, I imagine what it would be like go to one of those with the exciting news that I'm pregnant.  Or at least I used to - I used to day dream about how I want to tell our family, how I want to tell H, how I think I would feel finally seeing a second line pop up.  But I'm slowly losing hope that we're going to be able to do this on our own, without some sort of intervention or assistance.   and that sucks.  Who knows, maybe we are just one of those couples that it takes a while for.  I have to tell myself this, I need to keep myself from assuming the worst because honestly, at this point, we just don't know yet, and I have a bad habit of assuming the worst.

I swear I'm not such a downer IRL, this blog is the one place I can put these negative feelings out there though, and I need to get them out so they don't eat me up.  I just never imagined a year ago that I would be writing this, I thought I'd have a baby by now, or at least on my way to having one.  One year, 365 days and I feel like I'm in the same place.  Except that my desire for our baby is relentless and at times, all consuming, and my heart is hurting.  I have never wanted something so bad and been so powerless to make that happen.  That is not a feeling I am ok with, so I have armed myself with all of the tools that are available to me so I can to take back as much of that control as possible, but unfortunately, this is out of my hands.

Honoured

One of my best friends in high school and I sort of drifted apart for a few years - she left our school to finish up elsewhere and then I went away to university.  After a few years, we ran into each other in the most random place and got to chatting.  We talked about getting together but never really did.  Then a little while later my dad ended up in a new job and low and behold, he's working in the cubicle next to her!  We decided that this time, fate was involved and bringing us back together.  So after 5 years or so without contact, we got together one evening and let me tell you, it was like no time had passed!  You know those friends that you can not talk to for however long, and then when you see each other, it's like you were never apart, you just dive into all of the stories and updates?  That was us, we ended up in stitches laughing hysterically, reminiscing about high school shenanigans - it was fantastic!  We ended up pretty much back to where we left off.

Fast forward through all of our hanging out and catching up, H & I got married, she and her guy got engaged - we were a couple of happy campers to say the least :)  Then a few months after their engagement, I called to see if she wanted to hang out and I got some incredible news: she was pregnant!  I felt so blessed that we had our friendship back and that I would get to be by her side for this exciting journey.  She ended up with twin fraternal boys, who I could not love any more!  They are 7 months now, and I am probably over once a week visiting my guys (and friend, of course), I seriously cannot get enough of them.  It's amazing to be apart of their lives.  During last night's weekly visit, my friend unexpectedly asked me if I would be Luke's Godmother.  The tears started, which led to the hugging, or the other way around, I can't remember!  I feel so incredibly honoured and touched that they would ask me.  I love those boys so much and I can't wait to watch them grow and learn and be apart of their lives - I feel like I'm on cloud 9 :)

Father's Day

Since I'm heading to the inlaws for the weekend, I thought I'd do a Father's Day post now.  

I'm a daddy's girl, always have been, always will be.  My father is an amazing man who I admire and respect.  He has taught me humility and kindness, strength and love.  He brings me back down to earth when I start to get all crazy, as I so often do.  He is my voice of reason, my sounding board.  He is the person I call when I need directions, or to know the best route from point A to point B.  He's the guy I call to ask if something sounds like a legit deal, he has good business sense!  He's the guy I want to run stuff by before diving in because I know he'll help me look at it from every possible angle.  My father has not always had it easy, he has battled illnesses, surgeries, cancer - and he handled it all without complaint or self-pity.  Being by his side through all of this taught me the value of family and how important it is to lean on one another and draw strength from that.  I think the hardships he faced, that we faced as a family, brought us closer together.  My dad is my hero and I could not be more grateful for the special relationship that we share.

               

I love this site I found through Pinterest - 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters: http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

Happy Father's Day to all of the amazing dads out there!

Pee on all the things!

It's that time again - CD15, which for me, is my cue to start peeing on things!  Negative this morning, but I expected that - I think my earliest positive has been CD16.  So my challenge is to be super covert this weekend since we're headed out of the city to see the inlaws.  Thankfully I have managed to learn to pee in the OPK package (and I didn't even pee on myself!) so that will help with my stealth mission.  It's always around this time of my cycle that I start to get all hopeful again, which is good - it's a nice break from the defeat of starting a new cycle, but I keep trying to tell myself not to get my hopes up.  The higher the hopes, the longer the fall on CD1.  But for today, I'm pessimistically hopeful, if that makes sense to anyone but me!

30 Day Challenge update:  day 5 done!  I have to say, my core really needs this and yes, I can tell already.  Clearly I let myself get a wee bit out of shape.  But I'm happy that I'm actually doing something about it and not just sitting around being annoyed with myself, like I've been doing the last few months.  

Trying to make a plan

So we are in cycle 11, coming up on 1 year since I ditched the birth control.  I saw my GP around the beginning of cycle 10 to get my thyroid levels tested (results came back at 2.21 which my GP was happy with).  While I was there, we talked about TTC and she was very calm and confident, saying it is probably just taking us a little bit longer.  Since I was going for blood work anyways, I also wanted to know my blood type (curiosity sake) and she said she would go ahead and run the usual prenatal bloodwork since I was going for the draw anyways.  She suggested that we try for another couple of cycles, and if we weren't pregnant I am to go for an ultrasound (I asked and she didn't specify a particular CD...I guess just looking for obvious problems?) and then go see her, at which point we would discuss sending me to a specialist for testing.  

So here we are, probably a week before O on cycle 11 and I'm trying to figure out some sort of timeline (because that's just how I roll).  I should have asked about the wait times to see an RE, because from my experience, in Ontario, it can take months to get in to see one (ortho and MRIs are my experience).  So I thought if this isn't our cycle, then I'll book the u/s and make an appointment to see her shortly after.  That ends up being right around when H and I are leaving for vacation.  It looks like I should be starting my expected FW as soon as we get back, so I don't know whether we see if that cycle is successful and if not, pursue the u/s and appointment with my GP.  I just hate to think we could wait another two cycles before doing anything, and even more so if the wait time to see an RE is months long.  I feel like there are so many questions in my head and I don't know what to do or who to talk to.  Everyone I know, or friends of friends, all seem to have got pregnant rather quickly.  I tried googling wait times for RE's in Ontario but didn't find anything, not surprisingly.  I'm just someone who likes the information, good or bad, I just like to know what I'm dealing with and then make a plan to move forward.  That's why I'm anxious to find out if we have obstacles to overcome; if we do, I just want to get the info and deal with it as best we can.  Not knowing is like torture for me, it makes my head go to the worst options and Dr. Google doesn't help!

Swallowing is hard

Pills, people, I'm talking about pills - get your mind out of the gutter, as my mother would say!  ;)
Another aspect of TTC that just sucks for me is these gigantic horse pill sized, PNVs.  I have had an issue swallowing pills for as long as I can remember.  This goes way back to when I was a little girl and used to suffer from horrible motion sickness (actually I still do).  My mom would try to give me gravol before a car ride, but I couldn't swallow it.  I remember my mom trying to come up with any way she could think of to get that pill into me and I have vivid, and slightly horrible memories, of these incidents.  Crushing up pills to put them in stuff didn't help, do you have any idea how horrible crushed up gravol tastes?  Let me spare you, it's awful, don't try it!  

Needless to say, I have got better at pills, but I still can only swallow reasonable sized ones, which is not most typical vitamins.  (You should have seen me examining the PNV boxes to try and figure out which ones might be swallow-able for me)  Why do they have to make them so big??  I was super excited a couple years ago when the daily gummy vitamins came out and I actually didn't mind taking them (actually I love them, they're yummy!)  But when we started TTC, I switched to PNVs and while I see lots of ladies on TB talking about gummy ones, I have yet to find them so I wonder if it's something you can get in the states and not here?  I will keep looking, but no luck yet.  So now in addition to my big ass PNV I have to take, I have added EPO (evening primrose oil).  What do you know, it's more pills!  I take 1500mg a day and the pills are only 500mg each, which means I am taking 3 of them, bringing my total to 4 pills every night.  I get a bit anxious every night as I head upstairs to get ready for bed and take my pills, it's a serious mental game I play with myself.  I have to do it while H isn't around, I can't swallow pills, that size and that many, in front of people - yup, I'm a weirdo, I know.  And last night, like so many other nights, I get to the half way point and I wish so much that the stupid EPO was just one pill!  It did not feel like they went down properly, so back downstairs to the kitchen to eat a spoonful of peanut butter - there's no way I'm going to sleep feeling like a pill is stuck in my throat and peanut butter actually helps.  

So, in conclusion, swallowing is hard for me and it's just one more piece of this TTC journey that I dislike.  It wouldn't be as hard to deal with if I was taking the PNVs because I'm pregnant, I know I'll have to do it then too, but I've now been struggling with these stupid pills for a year!  I need to find the gummy PNVs, where o' where can I find some??!!

30 Day Ab Challenge

So I've been lazy, that's just the truth.  I am letting myself put on some extra weight and I kind of thought I'd have an excuse this summer, you know, being knocked up.  Since that's not the case and I'm starting to feel the pudge I need to get my ass in gear!  H and I got our puppy almost 3 months ago, so that's been great at getting me out of the house walking, but that alone is not cutting it.  So I found a 30 day ab challenge online and have decided to give it a go!  I also figured that if I posted about it here, maybe it would help me stay accountable.  So this is what I'm planning to do:

I have to start somewhere, right?  And since I have back/knee issues, I really do want to go into pregnancy as healthy as I can be.  Vanity also plays a roll, let's be honest - it is bathing suit season (although it's hard to tell this year!  What crappy weather we're having, this is NOT summer!) and it would be nice not to be feeling quite so self conscious.  Two summers ago, leading up to our wedding, I was in the best shape of my life and was feeling good - I want that back!  So abs, brace yourself - I'm coming for ya!

Vacation 2012

H and I are planning our 2012 vacation and we have decided to go to the Canadian Rockies.  It is somewhere that H has actually spent a fair bit of time, but I have not, and that seems a sin.  We really love to travel and sometimes we forget (briefly) that there's still so much of our beautiful country I want to explore.  I want to see all of these beautiful places I hear about - Banff, Jasper, Lake Louise, etc.  I'm pretty excited that we're actually starting to make some progress on planning this trip, I was starting to worry it wouldn't come together.  How gorgeous does this look?

This comes back to TTC, as so many thoughts do, and I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment; I have this unrealistic expectation, or hope-tation because I'm not really expecting it (yup, I like to make up words). There is this amazing picture of my parents, from their 20s, in the Canadian Rockies, it's such a great shot of them.  My mom was 3 months pregnant with my older brother in that photo, her first baby.  For the last month, since we started discussing this possible trip, I have had it in my head that it would be so awesome to be able to recreate that photo.  I have even thought it could be a good way to announce to my parents!  (I was thinking something like this:  http://indulgy.com/post/iRKLdTh7Q1/funny-pregnancy-announcement) Since cycle 10 was a bust, there's a much smaller chance that I'll actually be able to do this.  I almost think because I have this idea in my head, cycle 11 is that much more likely to be a bust.  It would just be such a cool way to tell them...  Anyways, I know we can only do what we can do, but I really loved that idea.

On to CD6 now and still waiting....

So I Have a Blog...

Well, this is new to me, apparently I'm a blogger.  We just started cycle 11 and I realized that I really just need an outlet.  I've been reading some fellow bumpies blogs and decided, since my handwriting is atrocious and I'm more of a digital girl anyways, this might be a good option.  Let me start at the beginning.

We decided in June of 2012 to pull the goalie and wing it, but within a month, my neurotic tendencies took over and I realized I wanted to have as much information as possible.  Thank goodness I found The Bump, those ladies schooled me in all things TTC!  I began charting with FF and could not be happier to have at least some measure of control or knowledge about what's happening.  I have always dreamed of being a mom, it's what I want more than anything, and I spent many years taking for granted that when I wanted to have a baby, we'd have a baby.  Little did I know what this process is really like.  I had no idea it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive, who tells you that?  No one, that's who.  I had no idea the window to get pregnant is so short - there's a lot of waiting involved - I used to think you can get pregnant any time you have unprotected sex (clearly my sex ED was full of useful and accurate information).  I only ever heard the stories about people trying for a few months and then success!  I don't know a single person who has been unable to get pregnant by cycle 11.  I know what you're thinking - there's a good chance I may not know that other people are trying or even struggling, it's just not something that is usually talked about.  Heck, my friends don't know either.  But it still sucks to feel like it happens so easily for everyone but you.

Speaking of not telling people, it's been a struggle for me to keep all of this from my mom.  She is my best friend and we talk about everything....except this.  I have these ideas in my head of how I want to tell her we're expecting and I want the surprise factor, which is one reason we have kept TTC under wraps.  I think I will reconsider if/when we get to the point of going to testing, but for now, I try to cling to this idea that I'll be able to surprise her with the news that I'm pregnant.  And soon, did I mention soon??  

Cycle 11 has hit me really hard, I won't lie, I had a tough time making myself stop crying on CD1.  We are nearing that one year mark, i.e. time for testing, and I can't lie, it's freaking me out.  I have started to look into our insurance to see what would/wouldn't be covered.  H couldn't be more understanding.  He stays optimistic when I can't, he's my rock when I need to cry, he supports my need (yes, need) to consumer large amounts of chocolate while giving myself one day to wallow and tell him how much this sucks.  He is an amazing man and I so want to see him as a dad, he will be such a great father.  

Ok, that's my first blogging rant.  CD5 here...have about 2 weeks of waiting to go...so much waiting.