Happy St. Paddy's Day!

I have always loved St. Patrick's day, and as I sit here at my desk, one week shy of my 30th birthday, I am fondly remembering the university days of pancake keggers, afternoon naps and all night shenanigans!  Then I realize I'm too old for that shit so I'm really glad I enjoyed it then!  LOL

I am 12dpo and I can't remember the last time I held out this long without POAS.  I thought about it a LOT before I got out of bed this morning, like longer than I probably should admit.  On the one hand, it's St. Patrick's day, maybe I'll get a little luck of the Irish!  On the other hand, it's precisely because this would be an awesome day for good news that I expected non-delivery of said good news.  (This is what 21 months of TTC does to you, it makes you crazy!)  I am also really excited that we will be in Jamaica at this time on Friday, we have some details to work out and I just wanted to be happy today.  I wanted to live in my hopeful bubble.  I like to think of it as Schrodinger's Ute - today, I am neither pregnant nor not pregnant, but the possibility of being pregnant still exists.  I just wasn't quite ready to ruin that yet.  Although I may have looked up the HPT accuracy chart online during my decision making also - 62% at 12dpo is not all that awesome.  So I am waiting at least another day, but perhaps not longer than that!  Beta is scheduled for Wed, which as I mentioned before is my Grandmother's birthday, and will also make 21 months for us.  (Can I please drop the "and counting" part already?!)

After all this time TTC, I actually have trouble picturing what two lines would look like.  I remember being 3,4,5 months in and imagining getting a +HPT and how I'd tell H and our parents, etc.  I could vividly imagine all of it.  After all of these months of BFNs, I literally can no longer imagine that at all anymore.  I can't imagine anything but one line looking back at me in that mocking way it always does, I can't imagine what it will look like or feel like to see another line.  But I do know that I want to know that feeling, more than anything.  So I've been doing a lot of praying, and specifically to my grandmother, whom I hope is watching down over me and hoping maybe she put in a good word for me ;)  I want more than anything for this trip to be a celebration not only for my birthday, but for this next chapter in our lives.