Back to reality

Bright and early (and cold!), I was quickly thrown back into reality after arriving home last night from a much needed and pretty awesome vacation.  Negril was as beautiful as everyone says, it really was like paradise.  We had amazing accommodations, we were the only people in our 6 bdrm B&B, and 2 of about 10 people at the second resort - we practically had both places to ourselves!  There were points on this trip that for the first time in 21 months, I went a few hours at a time without thinking about IF or TTC or what CD I'm on.  And then, in a quiet moment, it would creep back in and the tears would threaten to fall.  We really wanted an escape, and we got that for the most part, but you can never fully get away from it all.  I had a lot of mixed emotions on my birthday - I was so grateful to be somewhere so beautiful, just the two of us. I was glad not to face family and friends, or be sitting at my desk dwelling on how things were supposed to be when I turned 30.  So it was definitely the best place for me to be, but that doesn't mean that the weight of it all wasn't felt.  30.  No baby.  No baby on the way.  One last shot at a baby in 2014.  And to have been so close, to have had positive freakin' tests last week and then still not be pregnant, it just feels cruel, especially on a cycle I was so hopeful for.

We can't escape forever, so back to the real world.  I got up and went in for monitoring this morning.  I did talk to Dr. R about how last cycle ended, it was so hard to get a positive and then have it not really be it for us.  I asked if there was anything else we could do post-O, to aid with implantation.  He did say we could try adding baby aspirin post-O, it's been shown to help in people with immune issues.  In our initial testing there, they did test for autoimmune disorders and such and didn't find anything specific.  However, I do have thyroid issues and poor circulation, cold hands and feet, it might be worth giving it a shot.  He said it won't do any harm, it's such a low dose, so I think we're going to try that this cycle.  I also commented on how many follies we had last time, there were a lot!  Since I seem to respond so well to the stims, we're going to alternate between 150 Puregon one day, then 75, then back to 150, then 75.  This will hopefully be a more controlled way to get just the best ones to plump up without ending up with quite as many.  And I'm staying on the Lupron.  So that's the plan for cycle 21, IUI#4.

Dr. R has said from the time we met him that we're young and healthy, we're an "easy case" and he'll get us KU no problem.  When we had our sit down toward the end of IUI#2, he reiterated that again.  Today was the first time since August that he said, "If we can't get you pregnant this way and decide to move on to IVF..." basically I respond well and we'd likely get a lot of eggs.  Ok, while that's great, not two months ago you said you really thought IUI would work for us if we gave it a good shot (up to 6 IUIs) and seemed to think IVF was not in our future.  I'm not really sure what to do with that yet, but it sucked to hear our always very confident doctor say if we can't get you pregnant.  I'm trying to cling to my relaxing vacation buzz and not get ahead of myself, but after the shitty end to last cycle, hearing him say that when we're shelling out another $2000 for IUI#4 made me a little nervous.  Does he not think this will work for us after all?  Is he not as confident anymore?  It's hard enough when we question everything, but he's supposed to be the assured one, the one who believes, if we can deal with the mental and emotional toll of all these IUIs, it will work for us.  Someone is supposed to be optimistic and confident here, and that is his job!