Shades of Grey

The biggest thing I have learned from IF so far is that there are no certainties, no guarantees, no absolutes.  There's no definitive right answer, there's only a jumble of possibilities, so pick one and hope for the best.

I had an appt with the RE this morning (CD32), and of course on the day I really want to discuss the disaster of last cycle, I get Dr. C (the one I don't like).  In retrospect, maybe it was for the best since I think it made it easier for me to be a little tougher and express my dissatisfaction for this cycle.  I asked many pointed questions about last cycle - I read my lists right before she came in!  She explained some stuff to me, discussed my monitoring appts one by one with me, and unfortunately, while I just wanted to be mad, it sounds like this was a really strange cycle.  She used the word "waves", saying during a couple of appts early on, it really did look like I was gearing up to O, u/s after looked like the egg wasn't there anymore, making them think I had O'd.  More b/w later, it looked like levels had gone down and now we're not so sure about O.  I asked why no one called me at this time and she earnestly said it probably had to do with the fact it was all falling over the Thanksgiving weekend and some other excuses that didn't help much but honestly, this may sound bad, I was just happy to hear her sound a little...apologetic?  She also said this is technically still a diagnostic cycle and they really didn't anticipate this bizarre cycle.  So while I'm peeved and didn't get too many concrete answers (hence the shades of grey), I feel better that I got to say how I've been feeling and I'm happy that she seemed sort of sheepish about misconfirming O.  It's not perfect, but nothing in TTC seems to be.

More importantly, I was interested to hear about our plan for next cycle.  We talked about increasing the Letrozole dosage and adding Ovidrel (trigger shot) this time.  And after the previous part of this conversation, she said that this cycle, we will "micro manage every aspect" of my cycle this time around.  I feel better about this plan, clearly this cycle wasn't ideal as no one can really figure out what happened, or didn't happen. I am supposed to call at noon today to get my b/w results.  If my progesterone and other levels support the idea that I did O, I will just call on CD1, but if it doesn't look like I actually O'd (which would be the first time since starting TTC) they are talking about giving me provera.  I am really hoping I did O and will be getting AF in a few days time.  If we do the trigger, I'm not sure I'll need to be doing OPKs (any opinions??) but I will definitely be temping all cycle, at least then I have some of my own information and am not solely relying on the clinic.  I am just ready to get on with the next cycle.

Update:  I called and my b/w does support that I have ovulated, hooray!  So I'm back in either next Thurs or I call when AF arrives.  I have a pretty good feeling I will be calling before next Thurs.  

For the love of lists!

Ok, so I'm still pissed about this cycle and my lack of monitoring, at the most important times, nonetheless.  I am trying to put that aside and figure out what I, and we (my clinic) can learn from this disastrous cycle.  I have two main areas of concern that I'm going to outline here, so I can get my thoughts straight  before my appt on Thurs (and if any of my awesome friends or stalkers have any to add, please feel free!).  Two main areas of concern a) my monitoring, and b) my response to the Letrozole.

Monitoring:

1. How did they confirm O?
2. What was my progesterone levels on the Tues & Fri after I was told I had O'd?
3. When I was in on Friday, I think Dr. R said my progesterone from the previous Fri was 0.5, which didn't seem to support the notion I had actually O'd.  Who reviewed my b/w that day and decided I had O'd?  It seems Dr. R took one look and wasn't convinced of O, so who made the decision to not follow up on this?  (And can they never get the final say again?!)
4. Dr. R mentioned that the u/s after my supposed O was "cloudy" (I think that's what he said, I was pretty shocked and upset as he was talking to me) - why didn't anyone mention that at the time?  What does that even mean, anyways?
5. If there was any doubt about O, why wasn't I contacted and brought back in for more monitoring the following week?  It's not like I hadn't had a ton of u/s and b/w appts already, what's a couple more?
6. Also, if unsure at all, why not give me another u/s on that Friday, rather than just the b/w?
7. I'm also pissed because they say the stats are good on people getting KU the cycle of, or just after, and SHG - this makes me extra mad.  I realize it's not a question, but I'm extra disappointed that I went through that (which was brutal) and this cycle is almost certainly a bust - we have a very slim chance
8.  What will happen next cycle to ensure I am not incorrectly told that O was confirmed?  (I already plan on sticking with temping and OPKs - they told me once they started monitoring me I could ditch those, but I no longer feel good about that decision and am kicking myself for not doing it this cycle - so much for handing over control to them!)

Letrozole

1. My mid-cycle u/s's had seemed to indicate things were progressing ok, in retrospect, what do you think now?
2. I normally O between CD18-21.  How does it make sense that taking Letrozole seemed to delay O until CD25?  (that's still iffy too!)
3. What is the plan for next cycle then?  Increase the dosage?  Add a trigger?  

Sometimes I just need to remind myself to stay positive and hopeful, as hard as that can sometimes be, which is why I took a browse through my secret IF Pinterest board to read some encouraging quotes.  Fake it til you make it, right?

*Updates in green

Friday Frustrations...

You've been warned.

My father is moving out.  It was sort of a joint decision, although my mother is devastated.  But they couldn't keep going the way they were, it was breaking them both down into people I barely recognized.  They both deserve a chance to be happy, and while it breaks my heart that in order to achieve that, they might call it quits for good, no one is happy as it stands right now and this limbo has felt a lot more like hell than purgatory.  My dad isn't buying a place but hopefully renting a room for a few months.  Hopefully this space will be a much needed breather for both of them and they can gain some perspective and decide what they both want, separately.  So while I think this is the best thing right now, it really fucking sucks and that's all I can manage about this right now.

On to the next topic, my cycle.  I was thinking I'm 11DPO today and had an RE appt.  I didn't want to be surprised (it's the control freak in me) so I decided to POAS this morning; BFN, big surprise.  I was a little bummed, I had a shimmer of hope for this cycle, at least we did something new and different, we added the Letrozole and a shit load of b/w and tv u/s - I figured it's probably the best shot we've had yet.  But the realist in me just thought that would all be way too easy, and if you've been reading my blog, you may have noticed that things don't seem to come all that easy.  So with a bummed but ok head space I headed to the RE.  I was just going for b/w but then they decided last minute to throw in the dildo cam too.  I saw Dr. R afterwards and expected him to say call on CD1 or whatever, maybe talk about next cycle.  To my surprise, he said that it didn't look like I actually ovulated.  Pause.  Seriously??  In my 14 cycles of TTC and charting and stuff, I have never not ovulated, never.  And the cycle I take fertility meds, am under the very constant care of an RE, I don't ovulate.  Are you freaking kidding me?!  He said last Friday's b/w (I was 4DPO, or so I thought) my progesterone was quite low making him think I hadn't really O'd.  I am supposed to call at noon to get the results of today's b/w to confirm.  He said if I didn't O then he'll probably give me provera so we can get going with the next cycle.  I am incredibly frustrated by all of this.  I'm way more upset about not Oing than I am about the BFN.  If I didn't O, then the last 11 days that I've been thinking, "Maybe...just maybe" has all been for nothing, we didn't even have a shot this cycle.  Grrrrrr.

Ok, since all I seem to do here is bitch and moan, I finally have one good thing to share so I'm going to end on a positive note.  H and I sealed the deal on my new car this week!  2014 Subaru Forester :D  I am so freaking excited, I get to pick it up Tues!  Come on, Tues!!!  I have loved my Acura, it's been a great car, but it's time to upgrade to a newer, safer, bigger vehicle.

Update:  I just spoke to the nurse who said my progesterone is 5 making them think I *just* O'd, like maybe yesterday or something.  It has been a seriously shitty week (please see bitchfest #1 above) which doesn't exactly get me in the mood, so if I actually just O'd, we have no shot this cycle.  I am really pissed off about all of this.  If there was any doubt I had O'd, they should have kept monitoring me.  Shit, they had me in often enough early on, why stop if you're not absolutely sure.  I can't believe our first medicated cycle a) made me O later than I normally do on my own, when they said the opposite should have happened, and b) and we have no shot!  Our worst cycle in 16 months is when we're with the RE and I'm taking drugs.  If they had indicated there was even a question of O, I would have kept temping, using OPKs and making sure we were having plenty of sex.  Now I've done all of this - drugs and a shit ton of needles and vag cams, for nothing.  Is it an acceptable hour to commence drinking?  

Mercy

Ok, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  I can literally feel myself stressing out and I just want to yell.  I mentioned briefly in the Thanksgiving post that things are still all kinds of awkward with my parents.  I was actually wanting to talk to my parents, separately, to see what is going on.  This limbo is so hard, it's draining, it's emotional, and it's a big secret to everyone except immediate family, you guys, and a few awesome friends that let me vent to them - you know who you are.

My mom just called to tell me that my dad is back in the hospital.  She was at work this morning, she has a part time job in the mornings, and he called and asked her to come home.  She said she was almost done work and he insisted she come home now, it was an emergency.  She asked if it was our family dog (who is getting very old, we're all worried it could really be any time for her) and he said no, it was for him.  He had another attack of pancreatitis this morning.  She said she has never, in 40 years, seen him like that.  He was shades of grey and vomiting and in a great deal of pain.  We are a family very familiar with pain, so our go to question is the pain scale, 1-10.  He said it was a 10.  He has NEVER said it was a 10, never.  Even through 10+ hip surgeries, cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, etc, he has never said 10.  It kills me because I know he must have been in an excruciating amount of pain to say that.  My mom did what she had to do (i.e. turn on the water works) to get him a bed at the hospital (unlike last time) and he's been given something for the pain and is currently asleep.  They're doing b/w and will need to do a scan afterwards.

Funny enough (in a not really funny kind of way), he has an appt next week with the surgeon so they could discuss whether or not to remove the gallbladder.  And because this is my father we're talking about, it couldn't be the simple laparoscopic surgery anybody else would have, no of course not, that would be too easy.  Instead, because of the surgery from when he had cancer (he has a colostomy bag) they would need to basically cut him wide open.  That means a more intense surgery, I'm guessing increased risks, longer recovery.  But this doesn't surprise us, we go through this every time.  We never get the easy way out, we never get the 'best case scenario', everything for us has to be the hardest way possible.  I am so fucking mad right now and I'm fighting back tears because I feel totally helpless.  As if IF isn't enough for my plate right now, I have my parents marriage hanging in limbo, my father's health concerns, enough already!  Did you ever play that Mercy game as a kid?  Where you interlock your hands/fingers with someone else and then bend them back until the other person says "mercy"?  (It sounds way more horrible describing it now).  In my Mercy fight with the universe, I give, MERCY!!

Thanksgiving weekend and a cycle update

What a busy and hectic long weekend!  It was awesome though, nice to see both of our families.  We went up north to my ILs for Sat & Sun, got to hang out with my adorable 3 yrs old nephew who just cracks me up, he is so amazing!  It was nice to see my SIL (who's about 14-15 weeks along now) and catch up, she's one of the few people who knows about our IF struggles so I filled her in on the latest.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and H's aunt and her family also came up with their 5yrs old golden retriever - needless to say, Abby had a blast with her new friend!  It was tiring but fantastic.  A few pictures from the weekend - the trees weren't as impressive as other years, but I still love it :)  The last one is Abby sitting outside on the deck, on the muskoka chair staring in at us having dinner, silly pup!

Then we came home Monday to furiously clean and prepare the house because we hosted my parents, my brother and his GF and my 15mos old nephew.  I got to use my wedding China, which excited me, I haven't had too many occasions to use it yet, so that made me happy.  I tried a new recipe, individual pineapple upside down cakes - they were a huge hit, everyone raved about them!  The only downfall was the recipe made 6 and there were 6 of us, meaning no leftovers - which is probably for the best, but still...it was delicious, I totally could've eaten another one!   Honestly, dinner was nice, but it was awkward at times.  The drama with my parents is still ongoing and it was very obvious that my mom was upset and that it was hard for her to be there, pretending like everything is fine when she's still trying to figure out what is in store for her marriage.  I bet she was thinking about all of the holidays we've spent together as a family, and what's going to happen next.  It was very hard, but I tried to keep things positive and light, it really helped to have my adorable nephew there - between him and Abby, we had our hands full!  I really hope they figure some stuff out, I can't imagine what Christmas is going to be like...

Cycle update:  It's CD16 now.  I saw the RE Sat morning before we left.  Righty had managed to get up to a 16mm, 13mm, and lefty hadn't changed at all.  I saw Dr. C, she told me we should have TI Sun & Mon, which we did (we had to work on our quickies being a family packed weekend!).  I had been using OPKs and I'm still temping; I never got a true +OPK, so I was a little unsure, I've never had trouble getting a + before.  And including this morning, my temp is pretty low still.  I had another follow up this morning and it does look like I've ovulated, hooray!  I am supposed to call at noon to confirm my b/w.  Provided that confirms O, I go back in Friday morning for b/w to check my progesterone levels.  I cannot believe how much blood they take!  I had b/w and tv u/s on CD3, CD8 before my SHG, CD11, CD13, CD16 (today) - I am feeling very much like a science experiment.  I'm sure there are ladies who have it worse, but it all just feels so invasive - I'm literally being poked and prodded every couple of days, I could use a little break from the needles and vag cams!  So I guess this is my first medicated cycle, 2WW.  I'm honestly not feeling too optimistic about this cycle, not sure why, maybe I'm just guarding myself after I got my hopes up too high last cycle.  I still have my fingers crossed though.

Grow, follies, grow, damnit!

Had another monitoring appt this morning.  There has been some progress but not a ton.  Dr. R was hoping for better numbers today.  After my b/w and u/s, I was waiting in an exam room for Dr. R to come and fill me in on the details.  I knew I wanted to know the exact measurements so I decided to just take a peek.  Well I realized I couldn't remember it all, so in my full on stealth mode, I snuck back into the hallway, looked left, looked right and then snapped a picture of my chart so I would have the info!  I'm like an info-gathering ninja.  Evidence:

So righty is making some progress, but lefty is being a big slacker.  I honestly expected better since I've had a "feeling" around righty this week.  Not O pains, I don't know how to describe it, but a "feeling" nonetheless in that region.  I go back in Sat morning for another check in.  This means our weekend plans are slightly delayed.  We are heading up north to stay with my ILs for Thanksgiving; we were supposed to leave Friday, but now I guess we'll head out right after my appt on Sat.  This is the first time we've actually had to change/alter plans (minor, I realize) because of IF/monitoring.  It really does permeate every aspect of your life.  I will say the silver lining is that less time up there means less sneaky sex at my ILs and more awesome sex at home - at this rate we're only there Sat & Sun, so hopefully we can get some really great timing.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends/stalkers!  

Tubes are clear!

First, I have to say that Saturday was exhaustingly amazing!!!  Les Mis was Fan-Freaking-Tastic!!!!  I love that musical so much, the cast was phenomenal, we were all blown away.  Worth every penny and then some!  Leafs game rocked!!!  We had amazing seats, right at centre ice, row 21.  It was a super exciting game, ended 4-4 in the third, so we went to OT.  Remained tied.  Into shoot outs - Leafs win!!!!  It was amazing!  I spent Sunday on the couch from an excitement hangover, if you will ;)

That brings me to today.  Nobody really likes Monday mornings to begin with, but this one...well, it was extra sucky.  I had my SHG this morning.  I got there, did my b/w and tv u/s.  I was pretty chill going in, all things considered.  I took my advil in the morning.  It was actually brutal.  I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but that was really shittastic.  I have no idea if it made a difference, Dr. R didn't really indicate that it would, but when they did the initial u/s, the found my uterus was retroverted and flipped around.  He said it just meant a different path for him, but it shouldn't make a difference, but who knows.  Everyone I spoke to had a different experience.  The nurses were so sweet, one had her hand on my knee as the catheter was going in, it was comforting.  The other one let me squeeze her hand when the saline was going in because it hurt like a mother*#^&$^.  I also started having a hot flash mid way through, so she helped me get my sweater off.  I literally felt like this during the procedure:

It really helped that everyone was so kind and compassionate, letting me hold their hand and talking me through things.  The bedside manner was top notch.  When it was all done, I mentioned that my arms were feeling pretty tingly and he took my pulse, said I had some bradycardia going on (low heart rate) which cause the tingling, and also the dizziness when I first sat up.  So yeah, overall, it fucking sucked!  But the good news after all that is that there are no blockages!  Tubes are clear, and I don't have to do that again - hooray!

I saw the screen for my right ovary, follies were 1.03cm, 0.84 and 0.53.  In our post-SHG chat, Dr. R mentioned a 1cm-ish one on the left too.  I am going back Thurs for monitoring.  Dr. R said that should hopefully be close to O.  That would be awesome, I've never O'd earlier than CD18, it would be nice to have a shorter cycle, less waiting!!  I didn't get more info from him as I felt like shit and was really crampy, but I'll find out more on Thurs.  Here's to hoping for some good follies!!

First Medicated Cycle - It's Go Time!

I had my first CD3 monitoring this morning.  They took some blood, then took me in for an u/s.  From there, I was sent to a room to wait for the doctor.  Unfortunately Dr. R did not come in, Dr. C did (she's the one I didn't like last time).  Fortunately she wasn't as rushed today and was much nicer, it was a better experience.  So I'm starting on Letrozole 2.5mg.  I took two pills today, I am to take two tomorrow, then one on Friday.  She told me to come back in one week, next Wed for monitoring.  Then she seemed like she was wrapping up, so I said that Dr. R and I had spoken about doing the SHG this cycle.  She did ask why, she said she normally does it after a couple of rounds, and I simply explained that I want to have it done now, I don't want to wait and put fertility drugs into my body if we haven't checked my tubes yet.  I had an easier time advocating for myself today, it helped that I knew Dr. R and I had already agreed on this, and Dr. C said that was fine, let's book it.  So I will be going in on Monday morning for the SHG, more b/w and u/s and I guess we'll go from there.  It feels good to be taking a step forward.

Saturday!!!

I don't think my Saturday could get much better!  My mom's birthday was in May, and we knew that Les Mis was coming back to Toronto on stage.  This is probably one of our favourite musicals, we know every word to every song - we're those people.  We saw the movie when it came out and loved it, but we are super excited to get to see it on stage again!!  Saturday matinee show, here we come!  It's hard to pick a favourite song, but this is one I can listen to over, and over, and over...

Then, my friend calls yesterday and asks if I have plans for Saturday night.  I mentioned Les Mis, but it's a matinee, so I'm free as a bird that night.  Doesn't she proceed to tell me she scored GOLD Leafs tickets, home opener on Saturday, playing the Sens - do I want to go?!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  I told her she better not be messing with me, or we're not friends anymore.  She's dead serious.  WOO HOO!!!  If you are a hockey fan, particularly a Leafs fan, you understand my excitement!  Tickets in Toronto are not easy to come by, and they cost a fortune.  It's also the start of a new season, a time when Leafs fans have an easier time being optimistic for the upcoming season.  And after watching them beat the Habs last night, I couldn't be more excited!  GO LEAFS GO!!!!

Good Stress

It seems I have my fair share of stress, both good and bad.  H wondered why I was overwhelmed the other day and I asked him to name one area of my life that isn't stressful.  Pause.  His response, "Me?"  I love him so!  Yes, that's very true, but that's about where the list stops.  I do enough complaining here, so I'm going to write about the good stress.

Work.  This is good stress, so while I'm happy about the changes in the long run, I'm anxious about all of the unknowns.  I work for a very small company, and my boss has decided to make some major changes to the business.  In a nutshell, Colleague and I are starting our own company, buying Boss's current company and then we will have a contract with his new company.  The good: we will be our own bosses, giving us more opportunities to have a voice and decision making power (not that much more than we currently have, but more nonetheless).  We will get the experience of being owners/shareholders which should give us some options to hopefully get more cash in our pocket.  There is not much risk involved, which eases my anxiety.  We should be able to write more stuff off, and some other related perks, or so everyone says.  The stressful part is that this is all new to me, I am not versed in running a business from an accounting point of view, I don't know about all of the legalities and while write offs sound awesome, I want to be on the up and up, but I don't know any of the rules about this stuff.  So I'm excited, but I am anxious until I start to learn more about all of this.

Car.  We are replacing my 1996 Acura Integra, my first car.  I have loved this car for years, but it's time to go.  We knew we'd need a new one before we started a family, but even with Abby, I could really use another 2 doors!  We've narrowed it down to a Toyota RAV4 or a Subaru Forester.  I thought we were imminently going to buy, then H brings up a very good point.  He wants us to sort out what, if any, write off's we could utilize once the business stuff happens (in the next couple of months) and if that makes a difference between us buying (new or used), vs leasing.  Yet again, it's all good, I'm not complaining, it's just another thing I need to do X,Y,Z and figure it all out before we make a decision.  This is Canada, it's now October.  The plan was to have the car before winter, which means our timeline is either being pushed back, or I need to learn about corporate write offs in a hurry!

First medicated cycle.  I've bounced back from my low this weekend, thanks for the kind comments, friends and stalkers, it means a lot.  I'm looking forward to getting this show on the road!  I have my first monitoring appt in the morning.  Like the work situation, I'm excited, I want to move forward, but I'm nervous, this is new, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect (I have ideas, but you never really know until you get there).  And I known with IF modesty is out the window, but that does not mean I am looking forward to a tv u/s on CD3 tomorrow!  I also don't want to put too much hope into this cycle, I know I'm not taking a magic pill - must keep expectations in check.

I was going to write about the good stress AND the bad stress, but this got long, and I'd like to try not to complain, for at least one post.