Fert report is in

And it is not what we were hoping for.  I was so anxious about that call today, I have been praying non stop that those 7 eggs would be mature and fertilize well.  I don't know that I've ever prayed so hard for anything before.  I called the clinic around 10:30am and talked to one of the nurses.  As per almost every phone call we have with results, she starts with, "Well, it's not as good as we were hoping for.  We have 3 mature embryos that fertilized and are doing well today."  I'm sorry, did she just say THREE??  11 mature + 3 maybe follies, 7 eggs, we used ICSI, and only 3 are left today?!  Wow, this was totally not what we were expecting or hoping for.  I called H afterwards and he is beyond disappointed, upset and angry.  It all just feels so unfair.  When will we catch a break?  It seems our news is always "not as good as we were hoping".  I really, sincerely believed, as did our doctors, that I would be a great IVF patient and we'd get plenty of eggs and embies.

I had a serious cry fest while chatting with a couple of amazing friends who tried to help me deal with the news.  Thank you for that, ladies <3   I've been texting with H on and off all day, I know he's really disappointed, I think yesterday was hard for him.  He has a hard time watching me go through all this, we just really wanted it to be more than worth it, ya know?  We really wanted that Plan B, that we would have frosties for a FET if we got there, or for a second child.  This isn't to say we're giving up on this cycle, I am still praying with all I have for my 3 embabies, praying that they make it to Sunday's transfer, praying that at least one will result in our baby.  But we need to go through the emotions, we need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling right now - today, we're allowed to be sad and mad and disappointed.  And by Sunday, we will get our game face back on and try to pour as much love and positivity into this cycle as we can.  I want to give my embabies the very best shot I can, they deserve that.  And I know that it's so important to be in a good head space.  But I also know I need to allow myself to feel the range of emotions that comes along with this journey.  Stifling them or pretending they're not there is not going to do me, H or our embabies any good. So for today I am sad, and I can't wait until the work day is over and H gets home.  I can't wait for him to come home and wrap his arms around me.  Everything feels a little better, a little easier to deal with when he's here.

Dear embabies.

If you only knew how very loved you already are, the dreams and the hopes that I have for you.  Please keep growing strong, please make it to our reunion on Sunday.  I want to have you back with me, I want to be your mom.  I promise to do everything in my power to protect you, to help you grow big and strong in the hopes that one day we'll get to meet face to face.  I have never wanted anything more in my life, nor have I ever loved someone so much, especially someone I have yet to meet.  I pray with all that I am, with all that I have, that you and I will get that chance.  I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, watch you grow and to love you for a lifetime.

Love,

Your very hopeful mom-to-be

ER

So yesterday was ER day.  We got up and headed downtown, through horrible traffic, stressing about making it on time.  But we did.  We got a little cubicle room/locker area to wait.  They took H away to do his part while I signed a few more forms.  Then the nurse started my IV, I requested Zofran because the only other times I've been out, I woke up feeling mighty nauseated, plus I've been feeling queasy all through stims, I figured it couldn't hurt.  Then H and I hung out waiting, trying to practice some deep breathing to stay calm and fight off my anxiety.  When it was time, the nurse took me in alone to the procedure room and got me settled on the table, looking all classy gracious with my legs up in rather high stirrups feeling completely exposed.  Directly opposite me and my wide open access vag, is a door in the wall for the lab.  Hey, it's not like enough people haven't had a hand up my stuff in this whole process, why feel modest now?  I joked to the nurse, "Well, isn't this romantic?!  Just how I always imagined it would be!"  She covered me up with a sheet and brought H in to sit by my head.  He was all decked out in his scrubs.  If I had ever had a doctor fantasy before, consider me over it now.  Dr. C came in and said hi and stuff, then they started the meds and I got sleepy.  I do remember feeling something uncomfortable at one point and the nurse saying she'd give me more meds, that's about all I remember until I woke up back in my cubicle sitting next to H.  I remember Dr. C coming by and saying they got 7 eggs.  I then remember tears streaming down my face and saying, "Only 7??"

H filled me on in what happened.  I learned that:
a) we are perfect for each other, since H walked into the procedure room and also said, "Well isn't this romantic!"  I love him so.
b) even when under conscious sedation, I like to be helpful.  Dr. C said something about needing to push down on my abdomen, I'm guessing to find lefty, who notoriously like to hide.  Apparently I was quick to volunteer to help, only to be told that someone else could manage that ;)
c) apparently I still have a sense of humor.  H and a nurse helped me stumble back toward our cubicle.  Apparently she was going to pass it and I said, "No, we're in number 1" followed by my exclamation, "I'm number 1!"  Evidently I was kind of funny.
d) I am repetitive.  Poor H had to sit through groundhog day, as I kept coming to asking, "How did I get back here?" then I would nod off only to wake again and say, "How did I get here?"

I had one moment as we arrived home and I got out of the car that I thought I would be sick, but alas, I did not, hooray!  I went straight to bed for a few hours, then hung out on the couch with H all day.  He is truly amazing, I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in all this.  He had got me flowers and stocked up on all sorts of things, he waited on me hand and foot.  Then later in the afternoon the doorbell rang and to my pleasant surprise, my MIL had sent an edible arrangements basket of fruit.  She really is so sweet, and the fruit is delicious!  I spent all day and night on the couch vegging out, I was pretty out of it and pretty sore.  It was much better if I was lying horizontal, so that's pretty much how I stayed.  Then we just got to praying for a great fert report.

Holy shit, it's go time!

I went in for monitoring again this morning.  I was feeling pretty up beat and had some good laughs with my nurses - they are so awesome.  I got vag cam'd first, then sent for b/w, so by the time I got to the exam room, Dr. C was already there with my chart.  She said everything looks awesome and we're ready!!  She read me my follie count, but of course I knew I wouldn't remember and all I could think was, "Damnit, I wanted to ninja my chart before she came in!"  She told me I am triggering tonight, ER on Thurs!  We talked about how that would go, and I asked if Dr. R was around.  She tells me he's on vacation for 3 weeks!  Um, he told H & I that he would be the one to do our ER, so I'm slightly annoyed that's not the case, but I can't stress about it.  She actually said she does most of their IVF procedures, so I guess maybe it's better to have someone well practiced??  That's what I'm going with anyways.  So we talked about Thurs a little and then she said my favourite nurse would be in to go over details with me.  As she was walking out, I asked to see my chart and I totally pulled out my phone and said I wanted to take a picture because I would never remember it all.  She got a kick out of my ninja styles, as did the other nurse who came over midway through!  But I wanted to know my exact numbers, so they can chuckle at me if they want, I need my chart stalk!  For my efforts:

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.  She counted 11 mature and another 3 that might be ready by ER.  I got a list of instructions and when to take which drugs and then when to not, then when to restart - it was a little much, but I think I got it.  Or I'll call to clarify later, whatever ;)  I printed out a calendar and started adding everything to it so I can keep it straight.  And yes, it's colour coded :)

The plan is to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.  I've always used Ovidrel but today I will be triggering with HCG.  The nurse showed me how to mix them, first time for that.  But thankfully I have blog stalked and Dreamed with enough awesome ladies that I knew the mixing needle was NOT the stabbing needle, whew!  We went over it a couple times and I think I'm good with it.  Then tomorrow I start some antibiotics so as not to have any issues from the ER.  I am also going to be taking Dostinex again, which I took after IUI#3 and 4, it should help ward off OHSS, plus all the Powerade I'm supposed to drink, so hopefully that won't be an issue.  Then ER is Thurs at 9:30am, we need to be there for 8:30am with a novel sized stack of consent forms.  I'm a little nervous because we have to go to their downtown location, which I've never been to, and right between me and it, there is a shit load of construction on the roads.  Awesome.  So we'll leave nice and early with plenty of time.  Then we'll be doing ICSI and a 3dt, I can call on Friday to get my fert report, then ET will be Sunday morning.  I am super happy I will only need 1 day off work, and really happy we can battle Sun traffic and not Mon traffic to get there then.  Beta day is set for June 16, which is the Monday after Father's Day.  I am not saying anymore than that, because none of the other signs in the last 2 years have meant jack shit and I'm not taking any chances by jinxing it.

So here we are, already at trigger time!!  I'm anxiously excited.  I am glad I kept my therapy appt for tonight, I could use another session to talk about ways to help me chill out!  Ahhhhh, I can't believe we're really here!  In less than a week I will be PUPO, and hopefully we'll be able to drop the UPO part ;)

Moving right along!

Today is CD10 in our IVF cycle.  I will be honest, the last week has been rough, the nausea has been unforgiving and I may have been sick a few times over the weekend, blech!  But hopefully it will all be worth it, right??  We dropped my stims to 75 yesterday, keeping the Lupron at 10.  I had monitoring this morning.  I had to go in earlier today, as I had to start work early, and boy was it busy!  Usually by the time I go, later morning, I almost have the place to myself, maybe another person, maybe two, but today there were lots of couples, and a couple kids/strollers, which I'm not used to since they're never there during my usual time slot.  But it did give me plenty of time to ninja my chart :)

Those follies are coming along nicely, my doctor was super happy with my progress thus far, and commented again about what a quick responder I am!  I did another 75 of Puregon/10 Lupron this morning and they want to see me back tomorrow.  Guessing ER will be Thurs, maybe Fri.  I can't believe it's all happening so fast, but I'm also glad to be moving along since I have been feeling like crap while stimming this cycle.  Knock on wood, this morning I'm feeling a little less queasy and I'm praying that trend continues.  

Even though I was having a it of a tough time with the nausea, what an amazing weekend!  We had beautiful, long awaited weather, and my dreamers came to visit!!!  We squeezed a lot into our two days (Jays game, aquarium, zoo, driving tour, Abby walk) but we had a great time, or at least I did!!  It was so good to finally meet in person.  And since I know you'll eventually stalk this, thank you so much for coming to visit ladies, I had such a fantastic weekend with you both!!!  Love you!  <3

Chugging along

In cycle news, today is day 3 of Puregon and Lupron and I am having flashbacks to my first cycle with injects - I have been nauseated more than not since yesterday morning.  Ugh.  I just hope it doesn't last too long, like into next week's ER and stuff, that would not be ideal.  I woke up at 7am feeling like my stomach was doing somersaults, cue brain to go into over drive stressing about anything and everything, including feeling queasy.  Yeah, that definitely helped.  Yesterday it subsided by dinner time, well late dinner time I suppose.  Today, well we haven't quite reached the end for today.  Along with the nausea, I can already feel stuff going on in the ovary region - go follies, go!  I go in tomorrow for a check to see how they're doing.

Tonight I have my first appt with the psychologist - thankfully she had a cancellation so I grabbed it, quick!  With the week I've had, I really need this.  That being said, I'm rather anxious about it.  It seems crazy to me to be anxious about going to talk to someone largely about my anxiety, haha, but I guess it's a prime example.  I'm just hoping that I like her and that it all goes well.  I really hope she can suggest some things to do when I start to feel myself getting anxious and crazy.  I know I will need that particularly for ER and ET.  It can be so hard to calm my mind sometimes, I'm really hoping she has some ideas for me.

The very best part of my week is just over 24 hrs away.  I am thisclose to finally meeting two of my fellow dreamers and I am so freaking excited!!!  I can't believe they're coming here, I am so touched that they would come all this way for little old me, but I plan on making it worth their while :)  We have tickets for a Jays game on Sat afternoon, the weather (knock on wood!) is looking great for some downtown wandering adventures, hopefully some patio drinks, and lots of other ideas but I am most looking forward to is just all being in the same place together and getting to talk, like, really talk, not just on FB chat.  It's amazing that after all we've been through, all the things we've discussed, how close I feel to these women, I can't believe this will be the first time we've ever actually met in person.  Can you tell I'm excited?!?!  Come on, Friday night!!

Especially with being in the IF closet, this couldn't be more true <3

What a week...

What a week it has been.  If you thought things sucked last time you blog stalked me, let me tell you, never underestimate the ability of the universe to take a serious shit on you.

Last Thursday my life kind of blew up.  Our Hail Mary BFP was too good to be true - not unexpected, but disappointing nonetheless.  So while dealing with another BFN, facing the fact that we're really moving on to IVF, yesterday was our 23 month TTC anniversary, my parents drama explodes to epic proportions.  My dad moved out this weekend. I really can't say more than that right now, I'm still trying to process all of this. I'm devastated; my family, as I know it, is over, I couldn't be more hurt or angry with my dad AND WE'RE STARTING IVF!  Seriously people, you're killing me over here.  I spent the weekend curled up on the couch being a whole other level of sad, I even bailed on my friend's 30th birthday party because I didn't think I could handle going and making small talk and pretending I'm ok when my heart is broken.  It was a shitty weekend, to say the least.  I honestly just keeping asking myself, how is this my life?  It all just feels so surreal, like it's happening to someone else.  This can't really be my life, can it??


IVF#1
Today is CD4 and I went in for baseline monitoring.  Everything went well, boy did I miss the vag cam!  Oh wait, no I didn't.  I saw Dr. C today - I'm fine with her for monitoring but I'm praying that it will be Dr. R that does my ER and ET.  I started on 150 of Puregon and 10 Lupron.  I will go back in for a check on Friday.  She guessed ER will probably be early to mid next week, since I'm an established quick responder.  I am just praying that this will finally be it for us, that we will finally have success and get to hold our baby at the end of this.  Then I paid our massive bill - ouch!  So yeah, it's been an awesomely terrible week to be me, but I am just doing my very best to put it aside so I can focus some positive energy on this cycle and reduce stress anywhere I can.

Must.Stay.Away

From the parental drama.  Today is my parent's wedding anniversary, 38 years today.  It is the first time in my memory that I didn't call my mom and dad all excited today to wish them a happy anniversary, and make sure my dad remembered to buy her a card, maybe take her out for dinner, etc.  This is the first of their anniversaries that I think about them and feel sad, and hurt, and angry, and a little lost.  I have always looked up to them and admired the strength, love, dedication, compromise, respect and so much more than must go into making a marriage last and thrive.  Instead, I called my mom, we got through about 90 seconds of awkward chat, as I wasn't quite prepared to say "Happy anniversary!" but I obviously know it's their anniversary.  Anyways, after 90 seconds my mom was bawling and had to go.  That just rips at my heart.

I know I need distance.  I know I need to stay out of their marital problems.  I know I need to focus on me for right now.  I know all of these things.  But it's so hard to hear her, to know she's so upset and not say, "What's wrong?"  "What happened?"  "Are you ok?"  It kills me to not reach out to her like that.  We both know why, we both agree it's absolutely for the best, but damn it's hard to hang up while my mom, a woman I love so much, is on the other end of the phone crying her eyes out.  And then all of that sadness reminds me of how angry I am with my dad.  I knew today would be hard - for my mom, for them, and for me.  It just sucks.

This is not for me to fix

Ute Scraping and All the Feelers

Endometrial Scraping
So I have not been holding my breath, but praying nonetheless for our miracle BFP this cycle.  I'm 11dpo today.  I tested this morning, anything to get out of this scraping and IVF, amirite??  As per usual, one single line staring at me in that mocking way it does - fucker.  I didn't honestly believe it would be positive, but damnit, there's always that little voice that whispers, "maybe".  So I didn't get out of my scraping, and off to the clinic I went this morning.  I unfortunately got Dr. C, guess you can't win 'em all.  Anyways, I was pretty anxious, I won't lie.  I have a tough time with my anxiety when it comes to new and unknown things, this is true in IF and in my life in general.  But as I sat there, naked from the waist down on the table, feeling that sense of panic start to rise and consume me, I made myself take a few deep breaths and tried to calm my mind.  Dr. C and my favourite nurse came in to get started.  It honestly was not any fun, as I'm sure you can imagine, it's that odd sensation in your uterus, similar to, but no where near as intense as, my SHG was.  It was over nice and quick, there was some discomfort, some crampiness, but it really was fine.  I am just glad it's over now and I don't have to anticipate and be nervous about it anymore!

Therapist
I wrote a little while ago about taking the step to send that email to the therapist.  Well, it didn't go as smoothly as planned.  One of the two I emailed never bothered responding, the other one did respond initially, but then seemed to drop off the face of the earth for my two follow up emails.  I was losing hope, it took me a lot of googling to try and find someone near by (it will NOT reduce my stress to drive in rush hour, downtown, to get to therapy after work) and who my insurance will cover.  Out of the blue, that second therapist emailed me back today, she apparently just got back from vacation.  (Ever heard of Out of Office replies??)  Anyways, I did it!  I made an appt!  I will see her on May 27, that's her next available evening appt.  I think it will be in and around the time of ER, I'm hoping before so that maybe she can give me some techniques and tools to deal with the anxiety I will no doubt have going into ER.  Again, something new, something I've never done, very hospital/surgery-esque - I'm going to be a ball of nerves, no matter how many of my amazing friends reassure me that it's going to be fine (you can still tell me this though!).  I consider this a little victory, and I'm proud of myself for doing it.  Now I'm nervous about seeing a therapist!

Mother's Day

To those of you are are moms, I sincerely wish you a happy mother's day.  I hope you get spoiled, I've heard it's the toughest job there is!  To those who were moms for far too short a time, my heart aches for you.  I am so sorry that you had to say good bye too soon.  I am praying for you and for your angel babies, especially Petey and Rowan.  To those who are still walking the long and difficult path in hopes of becoming a mom, my heart goes out to you, I feel your pain, your longing, your desperation to be a mom.

Hail Mary Cycle

I'm officially in the 2ww for our natural cycle (#22) before we move on to IVF.  We had decent timing and I O'd nice and early (woo hoo!) so I'm pretty happy with that, but still not holding my breath.  It was amazing to, I don't know, have sex to try to get pregnant!  LOL, what a novel idea!  So yeah, 4dpo now and just riding it out, praying but glad we have a plan B lined up.  Also, wtf is up with the spotting the last two days??  I am a spotter, but usually not until the tail end of my LP, I don't think I've ever spotted at 3 & 4dpo.  Just one more thing that makes your brain go, "hmmm...could that be a sign??"  Sigh, IF brain you're exhausting.

So since we're moving on to IVF and I have the endo biopsy scheduled for next Tues, and I know I'll want to take ER and ET days off, I figured it was a good idea to clue my business partner in.  I figured she'd be a lot more understanding if she knew what was going on, especially if I needed any more flexibility with work.  It went really well, she was very cool about things and fortunately the phone then started ringing so we didn't get into a long drawn out conversation about it, but she's in the loop and I feel better about that.

I also talked to my mom and filled her in on our plan to move onto IVF next cycle.  Knock on wood, things with the parental unit have become a bit less dramatic these days.  This is not to say things are fixed or all better, it just doesn't feel so all-consuming and overwhelming for me, which I am so grateful for.  I told her that I'm happy things are going well and I really hope that continues.  I also told her nicely that I may need to be a little selfish with this upcoming cycle, I really can't handle any more drama, I really just need to focus on us.  She couldn't have been more understanding and supportive and assured me she would do everything possible to ensure they don't add to my stress.  It felt good to say that, and a bit easier since things are going better with them now.  I love my family and they are a huge priority in my life, but right now, if we're going to spend $10-12K on this next cycle, I need to be able to focus on us, and she totally understood.  Cue my relief.

So we're all set!  We're praying for our miracle BFP while preparing for IVF.

I just love this <3

Consider me consulted!

So I may have done a little (or a lot) of grumbling about the price tag of our IVF consult.  I mean, how many doctors do you work with that all of a sudden charge you $400 to discuss a new treatment??  Seems crazy to me, but what can I do?  I have to say though, it was a great appt.  He didn't rush us, he answered every question I had and encouraged me to write down any more questions I come up with and he'll answer them, or find an answer for them.  We spent close to an hour and a half in there!  So at least I feel I got my money's worth!  Being a huge nerd and keener, I honestly feel like I aced a test, haha!  I went into that consult so well prepared with knowledge and questions - thank you bumpies and dreamers for teaching me so much!  He also sent me home with an info packet to read through - I'm excited to dive in!

We are officially moving on to IVF#1 as soon as CD1 rolls around.  Prior to that, I have an appt on May 13 to have an endometrial biopsy.  Dr. R strongly urges them with IVF patients as there has been promising research and studies on higher success rates after having any kind of "disturbance" of the lining.  (He seemed impressed that I had been reading up on this - point me!)  If it won't cause any harm and could potentially help, I'm all for it.  Hell, I told Dr. R if he told me to dance in the rain because he thought it would help, I would!  After the biopsy, we wait for CD1.  I will go in for my typical CD3 b/w and u/s and start stims.  We are looking at using the same meds I did for our IUI cycles - Puregon and Lupron.  We will probably start the stims a bit higher and then step back as we go, likely starting at 225IU and backing off as we see how I'm responding, and 10IU Lupron.  Honestly, this has really put my mind at ease since I've already used these meds and know what to expect, I was nervous thinking about new meds to get used to and more unknowns, so this little piece of info really carried a lot of weight with me.

ER and ET are done at their associated clinic downtown at what I take it is a really nice ART facility, all my monitoring will be at my usual clinic, 15mins from home - I'm so lucky in that respect.  He explained how the ER works and that almost all patients report it being a fairly pain free procedure - another relief!  They always use ICSI, unless you don't want to, but he explained the benefits of doing it and the very minimal risks to the egg.  He has seen substantially better results with ICSI than "natural fertilization" (that term seems to really not fit when talking about IVF!).  He hands down recommends using it, which we agree with, he made a good case for it.  They also primarily do 3dt, largely because he agrees with the thought that the shorter the time the embryos are out of their natural environment the better.  He gave us about a 60% success rate with a fresh, 3dt of 2 embryos. Considering our best IUI cycle he guesstimated 27% chance of success, that's a big difference.  And it helps to validate the added cost of IVF, if it only increased our chances a small amount, it would be harder to stomach the jump in price, but this really helped.  It also helped when I asked him point blank if he thinks this is the right time for us to move on, considering a couple months ago we discussed up to 6 IUIs.  All 4 of our IUI cycles were perfect on paper - lots of follies, great SAs, and the success rates do tend to drop off after 4 IUIs, so he really did believe this is the best decision for us.  That helped too.  So, there we have it, we are moving forward and praying that this will finally be what brings us our baby.