A Mini IF Meltdown

Cycle 14, that is.  I completely expected AF to arrrive, I didn't have very high hopes about this cycle.  It seems like rubbing salt in the wound to not only not be pregnant and have AF arrive, but the cramps, really?  Is that necessary??  Last night was spent curled up on the couch, breathing through the waves of horrid cramps scarfing down chocolate - hey, don't judge.  Way to kick off the long weekend!  (that's my sarcasm font, obviously)

Yesterday we went back to the RE for our second set of tests, which consisted of various ultrasounds.  I met H there since he went right from work, and he seemed a little off.  Afterwards, he was pretty grumpy, and I was understanding, who likes going to medical tests, but we didn't really get too much of a chance to talk.  He had to head back to work while I met up with my mom for pedicures and lunch (I drew the long stick on that one!).  After work, H came home and was apologetic for being grumpy, and said he was just feeling pretty rattled after our appt.  We sat down to talk about things and this was the first time I've seen H get all worked up/concerned/freaked out/etc about dealing with IF.  He seems hellbent on assuming there is something wrong with him - he is a healthy, active 28 year old man in good shape.  His hypochrondriac mind is taking over, and he is super worried about the results and is really annoyed we have to wait until next Friday to get our results.  He even asked if we can try to move up our appt, which would be tough and I'm not sure they'd have all of the results any sooner, plus this is a long weekend.  I felt pretty bad for him, I kept trying to reassure him and tell him there's no reason to get ahead of ourselves, in less than a week we'll get the full report and go from there.  No point in playing the "what if" game now.

I was fortunately feeling ok yesterday, surprising since it turned into CD1, I reassured him as best I could.  He apologized for unloading on me and I kept telling him that we're a team, this is what we do.  I get to unload on him and tell him when I'm scared, angry, sad, etc. and he gets to do the same.  He gets to feel the way he feels and he shouldn't have to keep that from me - we're in this together.  This was the first time I've heard him say, "Why us?  What did we ever do, why do we have to go through this?  This isn't fair." and all I could say is, "You're right, this isn't fair.  IF fucking sucks, and I'm sorry we are going through this."  I, too, thought this would be a magical process - we'd decide to have kids, have some fun sexy times for a few months or so, and then get pregnant.  I never dreamed that I would come to feel the way I do about TTC.  I am jealous of those who never have to know that TTC can get to a point that it's not fun anymore (not the sex part, that's always fun, but the TTC part of it all).  I love my husband more than anything and it broke my heart to see him like that.  I think we are both mourning for the TTC process we envisioned when we set out down this road.  I really felt like we are in this together - for the good, the bad, the angry, the sad - all of it.  Just because men's feelings regarding dealing with IF aren't often spoken about, doesn't mean they aren't going through a lot and trying to sort out their emotions too.  This is hard for him, I'm not the only one hurting and I'm really happy he was able to talk to me about it.

My favourite text from yesterday came after he apologized for being so negative, I told him it's ok to feel however he feels, and this was his response: "I have feelings too ya know!  I just don't understand them so I get mad at them.  Then when I can't beat them up, I get even madder".  That is my amazing and funny husband, I about died laughing when I read that.  He always manages to keep his sense of humour.

Cycle 14, CD2 and 6 days until we get our results and a plan.  Here's to hoping the week flies by and H doesn't lose his mind before then!

The cat is out of the bag

I have debated sharing our IF struggles with others until very recently.  Last weekend we filled my SIL in on what's been going on after she announced her pregnancy.  We had a family get together yesterday, so H decided to also share with his mom in the hopes that people might be a little more sensitive about the pregnancy/baby talk around us.  He wrote her a really well written email, focusing on our excitement for BIL & SIL but explaining, in an optimistic tone, that this is not coming as easily for us.  I love my MIL, she really is amazing so I was totally ok with H sharing this with her.  Once they both knew, it felt even more so like I was keeping a secret from my mom, so I decided to bite the bullet.

I asked her to stop by after church yesterday so we could chat.  We talked about a few various things before I got up the nerve.  I started by telling her that I'm going to be an aunt again, at which point she was beaming and hugging me, telling me how happy is she for me and for them - then she paused and looked at me and clarified that it's not on my side (i.e. my brother), I just laughed - as if I would be the one to tell her that news!  Our hugging lasted a moment or two, and then my eyes filled with tears.  She asked why I hadn't told her last weekend when I saw her and I said, "Because the news kind of comes with a little more info".  I told her we've been trying for quite some time, and the day SIL announced was our initial visit at the fertility clinic.  We started talking about meeting the new doctor, testing, the steps going forward and so on.  I mentioned Dr. R by name and she stops, grabs my arm, and says, "Dr. R?  Like up at (names street intersection)?"  I replied, "Yes, how do you know that?"  She goes on to tell me that a friend of hers had mentioned him at some point so when another friend of hers was struggling to get pregnant, my mom actually told her about Dr. R and fairly quickly, she was pregnant - her daughter is now 12.  What a random coincidence!  Anyways, we had a really good chat, she was as supportive as I knew she would be.  It feels good to get it out and not feel like there's this big secret that I'm keeping from her.  I think it helps to have one more person sending good vibes into the universe for us and praying for us to get our miracle.

I opened my email this morning to find this email from my mom:

Good morning love

This is not to make you cry but inevitably it probably will bring a tear to your eye.

I just cannot not respond to your news yesterday. 

I want to tell you how much I love you, how very sorry I am for what you and [H] are

going through and how happy I am that you confided in me.

You will be in my daily prayers and I KNOW that God will bless you with a very lucky and

healthy little baby some day. It may take longer than we hoped for but it will happen.

Keep praying and one day you will hold that sweet baby in your arms.

 I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

mom

xxxoooo

I feel a little stronger knowing we have some important people out there routing for us.  Let's hope those prayers get answered soon.

                           

You Gotta Be

This is an old favourite of mine, but still so relevant.

Weekend Update

That's what I think of my weekend.  Friday was really hard for me, I was happy and sad and on the verge of tears quite frequently.  We drove up to my ILs place where we were also meeting up with BIL & SIL.  We were spending the night there before all heading to a cottage wedding on Sat.  In the car on the way up, I was thinking about talking to SIL and filling her in on what's going on.  We spoke during cycle 10 so she knows we've been trying for over a year now and I thought it would be nice to share this with someone.  She and I get along so well, she's absolutely amazing, I love her like the sister I never had.  We all got up there late evening and were hanging out as usual.  I made a wine spritzer for myself and offered her one, she said no and I immediately had a sinking feeling she was KU.  When we spoke a few months ago, I knew they were thinking about TFAS in the very near future.  The ladies got to talking about the wedding the next day and who would be DD - she volunteered....for the next 9 months.  I hugged her and told her how happy I was for her and then chugged my wine back, waited for the first moment to excuse myself that wasn't totally obvious, and went downstairs to our room and lost it, I just started bawling.  I pulled myself back together, rejoined the party and did my best to put on a happy face.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't even look at H because he knew, and I couldn't hold it together seeing him look at me like he knows my heart is breaking.  We turned in and H just let me cry and wish it was that easy for us.  I was/am so jealous, I just want to know what it feels like to see two lines, to not have to deal with 12 cycles of BFNs, to not be meeting a fertility doctor - it was a serious woe is me moment.  I just want to be happy for them without this horrible jealousy/sadness/envy/guilt feeling.

SIL was totally amazing, and understanding.  H filled her in on our doctor's appt, so she's up to speed and was so sweet and supportive.  I just kept saying I want her to know how happy we are for her and she was so understanding of the mess of emotions I was feeling.  It really made a huge difference, but I still felt like a crappy friend and SIL, I just couldn't separate the happy feeling from the rest.  I love being and aunt, and I am ecstatic to have another niece or nephew on the way, and that's where I'll end - on a positive note :)

Meeting Dr. R

Friday was our initial appointment at the fertility clinic.  I was nervous and anxious but also a little excited to take the next step.  Fortunately the office is pretty close to home, so that's nice and convenient.  The nurses at the desk were really nice and helpful.  We were sent to the lab (after filling out pages of questionnaires) and had quite a bit of blood drawn, they will run 56 different tests on my samples, and 32 on H's.  Then we sat down and met with Dr. R for the first time.  He was really great, I think I'm really going to like him.  He's a nice Irish man that was funny, kind, informative and helped to put us at ease (as much as was possible).  Then H was sent to the "audio-visual" room (he said it was pretty odd, he tried not to think about all of the other men that had been through there before!) while I was taken in for a pelvic u/s and some cervical swabs.  We go back in two weeks for a few more ultrasounds, then on Sept 11 we have our follow up appt when they should have all of the results back.

Dr. R looked through my charts, and while I thought they looked alright over the last few months, he was quick to comment on the rocky mountains and dips I consistently have during the 2WW and he questioned my progesterone levels.  I think I only had one chart that he said looked good.  (I felt like I was getting a failing grade)  He basically said it looks like I have "crappy ovulation", that's a direct quote.  I liked his no BS, right to the point style, so while that sucks, I'm glad he was just upfront about what he was seeing.  He sounded optimistic though, and said if all we're dealing with is my crappy ovulation, he has high hopes that meds and well timed sex might do the trick for us.  I realize this is pretty good info overall, I know we're still waiting on the other tests to get a full picture, but I liked that he was able to identify something standing in our way (he actually mentioned that he would be concerned that even if I did get a BFP it might be harder to sustain a pregnancy) but he was optimistic and confident, stating if that's the only thing in our way, we should be a fairly easy case.  Let's hope that's the case.

I had the day off work and H took the afternoon off so that was nice to not have to rush back to work.  It's funny, after we left, H & I were chatting and I mentioned that I was feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable and he seemed confused and said, "I thought you'd be happier that we're moving forward".  The truth is, I am, but that day, it's like all of this IF stuff really started to sink in.  I've had this stupid head in my voice that kept saying, "Well, maybe nothing's wrong, it's just taking us longer but this will be the month!" and that voice has now been silenced.  It's not in my head, Dr. R looked at my charts and was very quick to comment on my crappy ovulation.  I guess it was just such a jumble of emotions that day, realizing that this is the road we are now on and it's been much harder and longer than I had anticipated.

Keep it together

I'm out of town with my in-laws, whom I love. I am emotional as is today, we met with the doc - I'll discuss that later. SIL announces she's KU with #2. I am so happy for them, but I am having trouble keeping myself together. We are all going to a wedding tomorrow, so I'm with them all weekend. Give me strength to keep it together.  The timing on this just stings so much.  I wish I could just be happy for them without feeling this immense sadness.

This should have published on Friday. It's now Sat morning, my eyes are slightly swollen from crying (in my room) last night. I wish I could hide under the covers and just skip today, but I know I have to go. I'm so emotionally fragile at this moment, I just need to keep it together. 

Can't he just catch a break?

I had an email from my mom first thing this morning asking me to call her.  I expected she had a computer related question, or she was going to pop by my place at some point on her way to somewhere else.  Nope, nothing like that.  She tells me that my dad is at the hospital!  Apparently yesterday afternoon he started having some serious stomach pains which continued to worsen.  By 7pm last night he asked my mom to take him to the ER, which she did.  He was apparently diagnosed with pancreatitis and they want to do an ultrasound this morning to check for gallstones.  Let's say I woke up pretty quickly at this point!  As I write this, it's 12pm, meaning he has been at the hospital for about 17 hours.  He has yet to get a bed.  It's been 17 hrs and he doesn't even have a bed yet??  Sometimes our healthcare system baffles my mind.  And this isn't someone they think they're going to discharge momentarily (so maybe less pressing to get him a bed), they've already told him they want to keep him for a couple of days.  He also just texted that he's still waiting for the u/s too.  Cue the worry and the stress.  I feel incredibly bad for him.  This man has had nothing but shitty luck when it comes to health.  He's an amazing man who has had 10+ hip surgeries, only to recover from that and get, and beat, cancer.  Then back to the hips, since they only last so long.  And now this?!  Are you freaking kidding me??  Can this man not just catch a break???

Not to mention this is happening at one of the worst possible times.  In our industry, twice a year there are huge tradeshows.  Our industry revolves around these shows - max stress, max pressure.  My dad has a business associate coming up from the US for meetings this week, the show starts on Sunday.  I can only imagine how stressed my dad was about all of this already, and now he's in the hospital, and for a few days?  Like if this had even happened a week from now, the timing would be so much better.  My heart goes out to him, this is all kinds of shitty.  Now I'm googling "pancreatitis" and "gallstones", trying to learn something about them, what they mean for him, for his lifestyle, etc.  Not that anyone deserves something like this, but I just feel like he's the last guy that should be dealing with this.  He's finally been feeling good after his most recent hip surgery, which was last year.  It was also the second one last year because the first one didn't take.  Do you see what I mean?  He has some pretty shitty luck when it comes to his health.  I'm just hoping at the very least, he gets a bed soon.  I hope this is a relatively "easy" fix and doesn't become a long term health concern/issue he has to live with.  Feeling stressed today...

Appreciation time

I've been a bit of a downer lately, so my post today is simply going to be a reminder that I have so much to be grateful for.

1. My husband.  He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am grateful for every day that we get to spend together.  He is my rock and I love him more than words can express.
2. Abby!  I can't believe we've only had our pup for 4 months because I love her like crazy!  She has been such an amazing addition to our family.  There's nothing like puppy snuggles and kisses to cheer a girl up!
3. My family: my parents - they are not only amazing parents, they are also really close friends.  As I've grown up, we have stayed incredibly close and I am thankful for their love and support.  My brother and his beautiful family, GF and nephew.  Seeing them this weekend was definitely a highlight!
4. My inlaws.  I am so lucky when it comes to the family I married into.  My inlaws are amazing, we get along so well and I couldn't be happier to be apart of their family.  I also have an adorable almost 3 yrs old nephew on this side who I could eat, he's so damn cute!
5. My job.  While I don't love it right now (it's a busy time of year for us) I love my job.  I enjoy what I do, I have an awesome boss and colleagues - not too many complaints here!
6. I am grateful for the vacation that H & I just got back from a few weeks ago.  I am thankful that we have managed to do some good travelling together, seen some amazing places, gone on some crazy adventures - I'm glad I found someone who loves to travel as much as I do!
7. I am thankful for my health (besides the not getting pregnant part).  
8. I am appreciative of the amazing friendships that I have.  I have some very special people in my life and they mean so much to me.    
9. I am grateful that I have found some amazing women online that I have connected with.  Women I'm genuinely rooting for and think about here and there, wondering how they're doing, waiting for an update.  This road feels a little less lonely when you find people that understand where you're coming from and where you're going.
10. Every morning I am grateful that H & I splurged on our Christmas present to us and bought a wicked cappuccino maker.  Seriously, starting my day out with one (or two) of those every day is heavenly :)

Groundhog day and the green monster

In recent months I have given myself the first week of a new cycle off temping.  I tend to O a little later and it's nice to take a break from waking up at 5:30am to take my temperature.  It's the Monday of a long weekend, so tomorrow I will get back at it.  In another week or so, it will be time to start PIAC again.  It feels a bit like groundhog day.

Our appointment is next Friday, which feels like an eternity away.  I know it will be here soon, work ramps up for the next two weeks, so that's bound to help, but today, it feels so far away.  FF predicts FW right around our appt date, and I can't help but hear this tiny little whisper of a voice in my head saying, "Maybe we'll get KU this cycle and won't need to pursue testing and such with the RE!"  Yeah, I know that's stupid, but no matter how many times I tell myself that's not very realistic, I can't totally quiet that faint whisper of hope (or delusion).

There have been quite a few BFPs on TB this week and while I am happy for them (I really am), the jealousy pangs are quite severe at the moment, and that makes me feel like a shitty person.  I genuinely thought I would be one of those people that got their BFP after 3-4 months - now I read those posts and can't help but feel incredibly envious.  I want that so much.  I want to know what it's like to see a second pink line pop up.  I want to know the excitement of a positive test HPT.  I want to tell my husband that we're finally going to expand our family, and not in the 4 legged way.  I want to have no clue what it feels like to struggle to get pregnant.  I want it so much it hurts.  But all I can do right now is wait.  Some Most days this process is just so damn frustrating.