Twin life is crazy

I have tried to write a post for a while now, but I either couldn't find the words or the time.  At some point I know I still need to unpack everything that brought me to this point.  I don't mean to over state, but I feel rather traumatized, quite frankly, when I start to think back to my hospital stay and health scares, the unexpected and terrifying arrival of the babies, being a NICU mom - it is all so much that I really haven't had a chance to process it all yet.  I'm worried that if I start down that road, the flood gates will just open and I may not be able to close them all that easily.  And honestly, I don't have that much time to myself these days.  But that will come later, for now, an update!

We have all been home together for 2 weeks and 3 days.  I can't believe that's it when I write it out, because it feels like much longer!  It has been one hell of an adjustment, that's for sure.  I have never experienced so many different emotions all at once.  I love being a mom.  I love L&E more than I can possibly comprehend or explain.  I am so deeply in love with these two little miracles.  I still can't believe we made them, they are ours and we are theirs.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world, my heart is so full of love it brings me to tears to even type that.  Two years we prayed for these babies, and now they're really here.  Sometimes I wake up (from the brief moments of sleep I get!) and I still can't quite believe it, I have to come downstairs and see them for myself, hold them and kiss them and tell them I love them.  Then it feels real.  Being a mom is what I have wanted more than anything, I feel privileged and honoured to be L&E's mom.  I just hope I can be everything they need and more, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be - they deserve that.

But it's not all sunshine and lollipops.  It's hard.  It's really, freaking hard.  We are on a 3hr schedule that looks something like this:

• Bath, if it's bath day, i.e. they smell
• Feed babies - BF one, bottle the other (H or one of our mom's does this), we bottle them both overnight though.  Feeding takes a long time, they're really still working on getting better and fast at this.
• Diaper change
• Settle them down (ha, this one is always fun!  They often alternate who's awake and fussing)
• Pump
• Wash pumping parts/bottles 
• Prepare bottles
• with my last hour, eat/laundry/clean/sit down/shower/sterilize bottles and pumping stuff/nap

And then it starts all over again.  It.Is.Exhausting.  I have had moments of feeling like I'm doing a job, like I worked so hard to get these babies and I don't even get enough time to enjoy them.  I'm constantly feeding them then having to put them down so that I can pump to make sure I have enough for bottles.  I feel like I have so little time to actually spend enjoying them, especially since I'm trying to divide my time in two.  I've started making more of an effort to enjoy some cuddle time after I BF, but even then, I'm watching the clock because I need to pump, but I also need to pump early enough that I have time to refill before the next feed.

Which brings to me another thing that's stressing me out.  My supply.  I've been just keeping up with them, but without much extra, meaning very little wiggle room.  I really, really want to be able to provide for them.  I know logically that supplementing isn't a big deal, but emotionally and mentally, I am really hung up on being able to provide enough breastmilk to sustain them.  I couldn't get pregnant on my own, I couldn't stay pregnant or have the labour and delivery I wanted, I didn't get to bring my babies home right away - so little of this has gone the way I wanted it to, I just really want to be able to do this.  But the only way to manage this is to BF and pump like crazy.  So there really isn't much getting around the crazy schedule.  I can't even sleep more than 3 hours (usually it's more like 2) because then I need to empty my boobs, one way or another.  Oh sleep, how I miss you.  Like SO much I miss you.  One day, one day I think we will be reunited and it will be a glorious day.

I realize this post is probably really scattered, that's what sleep deprivation, a long over due post, and two babies starting to fuss because, guess what, that 3hr cycle is about to start over again, gets you.  A random rambling from a sleep deprived new mom who is both insanely in love with her babies, and exhausted and overwhelmed at just how hard all of this is.  Duty calls!  I shall leave you with a more recent pic of what makes this all worth while :)