Apparently I have a blog

Not that I've had time to update since...not sure and I doubt I have time to check. This is likely to be brief but I'll try to squish as much into a short post as possible.

Being a mom is hard. Like no joke, really hard. Having twins is insanity. I'm more exhausted than I ever dreamed possible. If you asked me right now what I want more than anything is say sleep - uninterrupted sleep. No babies to tend to no pumping to do, just sleep. God that sounds like a dream. I am in a state of pure exhaustion right now so I'm not promising to make much sense here. I live in a state of delirium. I'm constantly on repetition - feed babies, change diapers, pump, sterilize, make bottles - those last few things all while trying to keep two babies happy/sleeping/not crying. I am blessed to have an amazing mom and MIL who are here so much of the time to help me. I honestly don't know how I'd manage without their help. But it means there are always people here, in my space. It's also a reason I haven't had a chance to update much. My blog is private and I don't share it IRL so it's been tough to find a moment to myself, with quiet babies, where I'm not running around or attempting some sleep.

L&E are 4 months old and I can't believe it.  I honestly do not know where the time has gone. My constant state of exhaustion helps to blur the notion of day and time, lol. They are amazing. They are growing and changing so much. They're so much more inquisitive. E really looks at and analyzes her toys, L is the most smiley baby I've ever seen and his laugh just melts my heart. I can't believe how in love I am. I can't believe my heart hasn't exploded with the love I have for them. I knew I'd love them, but this kind of love is more incredible and all consuming than I could have imagined. There are now two pieces of my heart on the outside, that I can hold and hug and kiss and tickle. They are the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. I am in awe and humbled that we made these two perfect little people.

That being said, I won't pretend this is easy or that it's some fairy tale. It's hard. The hardest and most relentless job ever. It's unending. There are no breaks, no time to clock out. It's all about them, all the time. And they have been challenging. My daughter is a spitfire - I called that when I was like 6 months pregnant. She challenges me pretty much every day. She has been a very fussy baby. She screams louder than I imagined possible!  She wants to be held almost all the time. She did not get the memo she's a twin. Clearly. She is just now starting to go for longer periods of time on her play at looking at her toys. But that's hit or miss, depending on her mood. L has always been so chill and laid back. Until the last two weeks where now he wants to be held all the time. He's not content just sitting or laying somewhere. It's a struggle to give them both everything they need all the time. I keep checking but I still only have the two arms. It's heartbreaking to have them both crying and upset and feeling helpless to make it better for both at the same time. And I hate having to choose who to comfort first.

I've had some real ups and downs. I've been challenged like never before. I've sobbed on the nursery floor begging them to stop crying. I've pleaded with them to stop screaming. I wish I had all the answers all the time but I don't. I'm learning to feed them both at once. I'm a better multitasker than you can imagine!  Some days, like today, I'm overwhelmed by all of this. How much I love them, how hard this is, how freaking exhausted I am with no prospect of 'catching up on sleep' anytime soon.

Being a mom is hard. Really hard. Beyond the most rewarding thing I've ever done - the way they smile at me or laugh, the sweet moments of pure love - it's incredible. But this shit is hard. Doubly hard. No, it's even more than that. God I miss sleep.

And that's all I've got time for. If anyone even still reads this sorry I'm the worst blogger ever. I hope to get back here more but that's up to the kids!  I don't know if I can post pics from my phone but I'll try to share a few recent ones. Not to brag but damn, we made some cute babies :)