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My monkeys are 7 months old. They are doing amazing. They are pros at rolling over, they're starting to wiggle more - don't turn your back on E or she'll be under a coffee table or half way across the room before you know it!  They're loving solids - oatmeal and sweet potato are big hits but pears are a current fave. They're babbling and cooing and shrieking and laughing. They're looking at each other and reaching out, and flailing arms and legs too!  They're putting on weight like little champs.  We are mostly into 6 month clothes but some 3 and 3-6 stuff still fits, but not sleepers, these two are long!  

And the other side of the amazing coin - I'm exhausted. Like insanely tired. I haven't had a good, uninterrupted night sleep in months, lots of months.  The monkeys really are going through phases with sleep. We were doing really well - bedtimes started finally getting easier, they'd wake once at 2-3am then up around 630-7am. It felt like progress!  Then we fell back into difficult bedtimes and up twice a night, if not more. It feels like a huge defeat. Like two steps forward, three steps back. I believe we'll get on the upswing again but holy crap I'm tired. I miss sleep. Like so much. Le sigh. 

The other big struggle I'm having right now is that E basically refuses to nurse. It started with biting me, intertwined with some nursing. But holy hell it hurt, my poor nips!  I tried to persevere. I really wanted to continue our few nursing sessions a day. Now, I put her on the nursing pillow and she just starts crying and screaming. I hate it. I hate that she's seemingly decided she's done. I wasn't. I liked those times together. I wasn't ready to be done. It made sitting hooked up to a pump for 3hrs a day more worthwhile, or tolerable.  I feel rejected. And sad. Sad that I have two babies and no one will nurse. It's actually hitting me harder than I realized. And I don't know if it's crazy but it's coming at a time where a lot of stuff is coming back up for me about my labour and delivery experience and our NICU time. 

I have two babies and I don't even know what a real contraction feels like. Never had my waters break. Never went into labour. I never got to feel the excitement of, "It's time!"  I had a week of terror and panic, worry and concern. Being poked with more needles and hooked up to more machines than I ever imagined. When it was go time I was terrified. Terrified that it was too soon, that they weren't ready. When they did arrive I got a peck on the cheek and they were gone. I waited 12hrs to hold my babies. I didn't get that initial skin to skin or breastfeeding, I didn't get that happy family moment of us all together, taking in this amazing thing that just happened. I prayed for my babies as they whisked them away. Then I spent a few more days battling to get my health problems under control. I struggled with needing to see doctors and have tests with the overwhelming desire to be in the NICU with my babies every minute. Which is what I wanted and tried to do for the next 25 days. I can honestly say I feel traumatized from this whole experience. I feel overwhelming gratitude for my two sweet babies. I am more in love than I ever dreamed possible. But lately I've had a flood of emotions coming back, usually when I lay in bed and try to fall asleep. I guess I'm just having a tough week and am feeling very emotional. I hate pumping. I hate it. I'm not sure if I hate it enough to stop yet but I hate it. And I hate that I've lost that time and closeness with E. It makes me really sad to think that chapter is over. 

But I am happy and grateful for my monkeys who I love more than anything else. 7 months old and thriving and doing amazing. They are everything <3

This shit is hard

18 days. That's how old my babies are. It's also how long they've been in the NICU. I've been super busy running back and forth between home and the NICU that I haven't had much time to stop and think. Maybe that's for the best. Because today when I found a few moments to myself, the flood gates just opened. This is hard. Really, really hard. I am so head over heels in love with my two munchkins and it kills me that they're not here with me. I hate that every day, sometimes twice a day, I have to say good bye to them. I miss them the moment I leave and count the hours until I get to see them again. This is so much harder than I could have imagined. I just want my babies to be home with me.

So I have outside babies....part 2

I remember the moment I heard that first cry - it was the sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life.  They told H to stand up and he took a couple of pics, then the peds team took him to the side to clean him off and do the apgar test.  I craned my neck around to try and see them.  Then they called H to come over to take some pics, but the anesthesiologist quickly called him back because baby girl was making her debut!  It took a moment and then I heard her squack!  I swear she's my little bird, she makes the cutest bird like sounds that melt my heart.  They did the same thing, H took a pic and the peds took her aside.  I lay there just hoping I would get a chance to see them before they'd be whisked away to the NICU, knowing there was a very good chance that I might not.  Then the peds doc brings L over and I got to see him and give him a kiss, it was incredible to meet my son.  Then she took him back and brought E over and I got to give her a kiss.  I will cherish these moments forever.  I may not have got the labour and delivery I wanted, I may not have got my skin to skin, I may not have been able to snuggle them and BF right away - but at least I got to meet them before they went to the NICU and I went to recovery.

My mom came to be with me in recovery while I sent H to watch over the babies.  He texted updates and pics to me.  It was so hard not to be with them, but thank goodness for modern technology or I would have gone crazy!  I spent about 2hrs in recovery, then back to my room.  It was about to be a long night of wishing I was with them and counting the hours until that happened.  The next morning I had mores tests done and every moment felt like eternity waiting to get to the NICU.  When I finally got there, it was amazing to finally get to be with them.  We got to do our skin to skin and that was probably one of the very best moments of my life.  Holding E so close to me, I could feel my heart and soul just filling with more love than I could have ever imagined.  That was my daughter!  Then to look over and see my husband holding his son - be still my heart, I just couldn't be any happier.

The next couple of days were rough.  My preeclampsia worsened, my potassium levels were a mess, they were concerned about my kidneys, my BP was all over the place - it was kind of awful.  I felt awful and it was hard to spend as much time in the NICU as I wanted because they kept needing me for more tests.  After a couple of days, things finally started to improve, with my health, and with how much time I could spend with the babies.  I was finally on the road to recovery.

L&E are amazing.  They have been breathing on their own since birth (yay for longer cooking and steroids!).  They had a little jaundice, which wasn't a huge deal and is so common, but it meant they had to be under the phototherapy lights all day, which made it hard to snuggle them.  I also started pumping right away, but it was so tough trying to recover from my health issues and the c section, plus the fact I'm pumping and can't actually BF.  I'm not even going to get into the two least helpful NICU nurses who basically gave me grief about not producing enough milk on day 3 and how my babies are hungry and I need to pump exactly ever 3 hours so I'm doing it wrong.  It was all the stuff a newly post partum mom with babies in the NICU wants to hear.  Let's leave it there.

Anyways, today, they are 9 days old and doing amazing!  They have both now surpassed their birth weights, (E was 3lbs,7oz, and L was 3lbs,14oz).  They basically need to fatten up and learn to breast/bottle feed in order to come home.  The doctor said perhaps in another 10 days, before next weekend!!  I couldn't be happier!!! I know that's not set in stone, but it gave me such hope and happiness.  The nursery here is all ready, we're just missing the babies!  There is so much more that I could say, but I am out of energy and I've already been crazy long winded, haha.  It has been a tough week being a NICU mom who can't drive yet, but we're hanging in there.  Here are my munchkins :)