PAIF brain

Pregnant after infertility.  It's a strange place to be most days.  I am constantly amazed and eternally grateful for this opportunity.  I am in awe that there are currently two little humans, growing inside me right now.  I am proud of my body for doing this amazing thing.  But it's hard to let go of IF brain.  I spent so long being angry and feeling like my body was failing me.  I was mad that it wasn't doing what it was meant to do, and now I am blown away that it is growing two little people, it's finally doing what I have been praying for it to do all alone.  We spent two years getting bad news, being in the wrong end of all of the statistics.  Every hopeful, happy thought was accompanied by a feeling of impending dread and despair.  It was hard to let myself dream of the future I so desperately wanted.

And then I got pregnant.  And then we found out we're having twins.  And almost daily, there is a moment of amazement, of, "Is this real life?  Is this finally, really happening for us?"  And it's hard to believe it and embrace it.  It's hard to stop holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  We have been blessed, we have made it to 12 weeks with an amazing and uneventful pregnancy.  We have seen the babies growing, we have seen their hearts beating, we heard it last week for the first time.  Everything is moving along just like it should.  So when does the nervousness subside?  When do you stop feeling anxious and worried? My OB said I'm another regular pregnant lady.  When will I feel like that?  It feels like my battle with IF has left deep scars that are taking a long time to heal, it's hard to believe that everything is really working out.  I thought when I got to 12 weeks, this milestone would feel like a weight has been lifted.  The rates of miscarriage drop off significantly, we have had no reason to be alarmed, hell I've had a pretty damn easy pregnancy (which I'm beyond grateful for, knock on wood!).  It almost feels too good to be true.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, or that I don't acknowledge just how lucky and blessed we are.  I do, I pray every day and am thankful for this miracle.  I can't believe that this is really happening.  I can't even put into words how happy I am, how thankful I am.  I'm just also scared, and nervous and I hope one day, those feelings will start to subside.  I've been hesitant and scared to share our news with the world, I haven't bought anything for the babies yet.  I can't explain it, but it somehow feels like I'm going to jinx things, which I know is ridiculous, but it's just this hesitation, like at any minute I'm going to be shaken awake and realize this has all been a dream.  I don't really think that our battle with IF will ever not be in my mind necessarily, but I really hope that at some point I can take a breath and just be that normal pregnant lady my OB said I am.