PAIF brain

Pregnant after infertility.  It's a strange place to be most days.  I am constantly amazed and eternally grateful for this opportunity.  I am in awe that there are currently two little humans, growing inside me right now.  I am proud of my body for doing this amazing thing.  But it's hard to let go of IF brain.  I spent so long being angry and feeling like my body was failing me.  I was mad that it wasn't doing what it was meant to do, and now I am blown away that it is growing two little people, it's finally doing what I have been praying for it to do all alone.  We spent two years getting bad news, being in the wrong end of all of the statistics.  Every hopeful, happy thought was accompanied by a feeling of impending dread and despair.  It was hard to let myself dream of the future I so desperately wanted.

And then I got pregnant.  And then we found out we're having twins.  And almost daily, there is a moment of amazement, of, "Is this real life?  Is this finally, really happening for us?"  And it's hard to believe it and embrace it.  It's hard to stop holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  We have been blessed, we have made it to 12 weeks with an amazing and uneventful pregnancy.  We have seen the babies growing, we have seen their hearts beating, we heard it last week for the first time.  Everything is moving along just like it should.  So when does the nervousness subside?  When do you stop feeling anxious and worried? My OB said I'm another regular pregnant lady.  When will I feel like that?  It feels like my battle with IF has left deep scars that are taking a long time to heal, it's hard to believe that everything is really working out.  I thought when I got to 12 weeks, this milestone would feel like a weight has been lifted.  The rates of miscarriage drop off significantly, we have had no reason to be alarmed, hell I've had a pretty damn easy pregnancy (which I'm beyond grateful for, knock on wood!).  It almost feels too good to be true.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, or that I don't acknowledge just how lucky and blessed we are.  I do, I pray every day and am thankful for this miracle.  I can't believe that this is really happening.  I can't even put into words how happy I am, how thankful I am.  I'm just also scared, and nervous and I hope one day, those feelings will start to subside.  I've been hesitant and scared to share our news with the world, I haven't bought anything for the babies yet.  I can't explain it, but it somehow feels like I'm going to jinx things, which I know is ridiculous, but it's just this hesitation, like at any minute I'm going to be shaken awake and realize this has all been a dream.  I don't really think that our battle with IF will ever not be in my mind necessarily, but I really hope that at some point I can take a breath and just be that normal pregnant lady my OB said I am.

Beta #1

I still can't even believe I'm writing this.  This week feels so surreal, which I find funny since I have been dreaming about it for two years!  I went in for my much-pushed-for beta this morning.  I walked in and the nurses behind the desk just laughed.  I said, "I tried!" (to wait until tomorrow) but I did not try, I want my beta, and I want it now, damnit!  I also told them the the test this morning was amazing and I just had to know.  The test line this morning actually looks a little darker than yesterday, maybe even darker than the control line!

This was a huge relief since I panicked last night thinking this was all a mistake and somehow it couldn't be true.  I was actually super eager to POAS again this morning, just to check.  I was so unbelievably grateful to see that second line start to pop up almost immediately, then bam!  Dark line!

After the clinic, I came home and basically stared at the clock until it was noon and I could call for the results.  For the first time ever, I called to get beta results and the nurse was excited and happy and told me it's good news!  Beta #1 came back at 199!!!!!!!!!  Holy fucking shit!!!!!  She said congrats and some other things, I got all tongue tied and didn't really know what to say next!  I go back on Monday for beta #2 and will be praying for another great beta!  I guess I need to work on not saying "I might be pregnant".  For some reason, those two little words were like a shield over my heart, trying to protect me from the worst.
 But holy shit guys, today, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!   (OMG, I can't believe I just wrote that!!!!  Aaaahhh!!!!)

I Will Wait No More!

Two years of trying to conceive.  

22 Failed cycles.  

3 failed Femara cycles, 4 failed IUIs.  

Over $25,000 later.

But today, at 10dp3dt for IVF#1, this happened:

You would think that after two years of imagining writing this I would have a clue of what I would say, but it's still sinking in.  Holy fucking shit.

I decided to test out my trigger, the one time I did it before I managed to not let the crazy take over, so I foolishly assumed I could do the same this time.  Although warned by many, I have to say this IVF cycle has been so much harder than any other, you feel so invested and the stakes just feel so very high.  I tried to be lax about testing, not getting too wrapped up with it, just slowly but surely waiting for that line to disappear.  When I look at the dry tests afterwards, it looks like it was gone by about 7dp3dt but on that day, I thought I saw a shadow of a line but as I said, I wasn't crazy about it yet, so I may have looked at it outside the time frame, saw a shadow and thought no more of it.

Even though I saw a line at 8dp3dt, I wasn't convinced it wasn't still my trigger so I really didn't read much more into it than that.  A few friends said it looked promising, but I was not about to get my hopes up when it could still be trigger.  Then yesterday, 14 days past trigger, I tested again, because I couldn't seem to put the sticks down, and the line was even darker than the day before.  Wait, what?  Really?  Insert all of the reasons why I shouldn't believe it or trust it just yet.  But it was there, and a squinter it was not.

I was still very cautious, but started being hopeful that this might really be it.  It was 14 days past trigger yesterday, the odds of the trigger still being there, and still giving me a line that dark, seemed possible but not probable.  H & I were going with guarded optimism, we have been hurt too many times before, there's an instinct to protect your heart, which is what we were trying to do.  I went out and stocked up on more FRERs (and they were on sale, woo hoo!) since I knew I needed to pee on all the things!  We went to bed and said a prayer that our embaby(ies) are growing strong.

I woke up around 6:30am panic stricken and afraid to get up and test.  All of the worst possible things went through my head.  What if the line is gone?  What if it was just the trigger all along?  What if, what if, what if? I spent an hour lying there, praying that God gives us this chance, right now, to be parents.  I had a pep talk with my embaby(ies) and finally got up the nerve to go and test.  I dipped, set the timer, and looked away.  I couldn't bear to watch only a single line appear.  Around the 2 minute mark I got up the nerve and looked, and holy shit, there was another line!  And not a faint, squinter of a line, a real, honest to goodness line staring back at me!  I just stood there, frozen, holding the test, hands shaking, trying to let my brain catch up with what my eyes were seeing.  

I opened the door to our bedroom, H was just starting to wake up.  The light was off, but I had left the hallway light on, so there was a little light filtering into the room.  I hopped on the bed and showed him the test.  And even in his groggy state, eyes barely open, very little light, he absolutely, without a doubt, saw two lines.  He wasn't even sure which was the control!  We laid in bed for a while cuddling, just saying, "holy shit, that's a real line!"  I told him it all felt so surreal.  Like for years, people had been telling me about this amazing unicorn that existed, and while I believed it for a while, the two year battle with TTC made it harder and harder to believe it was real, or that I would ever get to see it.  But today, today it felt like I got to see that elusive, magical unicorn everyone has been telling me about!  I shed a few tears of disbelief, we had a good cuddle, H is so excited and is about ready to believe it after today's test.  We are both anxious for beta, which I called yesterday to ask about moving up.  I called my nurse and begged and pleaded like a crazy person!  She said it's still early and said I should try to "keep distracted" (lol, yeah, ok!) but if I couldn't make it to Friday, I can come Thursday.  That was enough for me!  Thursday it is!  I'm praying for a great beta tomorrow, but at least for today, I feel more confident, and when I start to think, "is this for real?" I just keep staring at this beautiful test.  It is starting to sink in: this might really be it for us.  We are praying this is the first step of a long and amazing new journey for us.  I think I might get to wish H the first of hopefully many, Happy Father's Days this weekend :)  Oh, and according to this site, my EDD is February 18.

I know I said a thank you in my recent blogiversary post, but I honestly want to hug each and everyone of you that has been here along with me, who has offered their support, love, hugs and commiseration, encouragement and advice.  I can't even imagine how much more difficult and lonely this journey would have been without you all.  I am humbled and touched by the love and support I have received.  From the very bottom of my heart, thank you, and know that I am praying for each and every one of you, that we all get our happy endings <3

And just because the novelty has nowhere near worn off, my two tests from this morning, because clearly one was not enough :)

*I can't even tell you how long I stared at this post before I could hit "Publish", it's so hard to believe this could really be it for us!  Mumford, I love you, but I Will Wait no more!!!

BLOGIVERSARY

Seriously?!  And I missed it, haha!  I guess I've been distracted this week.

I remember when I first started this blog I thought no one would ever read it.  Like ever.  I didn't think anyone would care about little old me and my woes, but clearly I was a tad off base, I have recently got over 10,000 hits - WHAT?!  I have also connected with so many of my favourite internet friends and stalkers :)  It doesn't even feel right to say that anymore because so many of you are so much more than "internet friends".  You are my support and encouragement, you give me advice and wisdom that I am ever grateful for.  You have become important people in my life.  For those reasons, I could not be more grateful for starting this blog, because it allowed me to connect with so many amazing people.  IF can be a lonely and scary ride, and I am confident that if it weren't for you guys, I would have lost my shit ages ago.  (And in some posts, I already did :/)

Thank you for making me not feel alone.  Thank you for your ongoing love and support.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here during the most difficult and trying time in my life.
Sincerely,
Jen

 

Impatiently waiting...

Beta is T-one week.  And I swear, time is pretty much standing still.  Maybe even moving backwards at points just to torture me.  My friends, they warned me about this 2ww.  And not that I didn't believe them, but they were not kidding or understating.  This is the hardest 2ww in 23 cycles.  I just want to know, and I want to know now, damnit!

Yes, I am completely aware of how childish that sounds, but it's kind of how I feel right now.  And I know there's no fast forward button and we'll be waiting until next Friday regardless, but it feels good to let it out!

In the meantime, I like to imagine what's happening to my blastobabies in there, not that they'll be blastobabies for much longer, I pray!  According to my nifty chart over here, they are hopefully working towards implantation.  Snuggle in, little embabies, snuggle in tight!

Yup, see how boring my updates are when all I have to do it wait?  No charts to ninja or follies to count, just lots and lots of praying.

Twice in one week??

We got good news twice in one week, what?!?!  That doesn't happen very often for us, I'm in a little bit of disbelief right now.  The nurse called from my clinic - thank you for calling me as soon as you got my report! - and gave us good news!  WE HAVE A FROSTIE!!!!!!!  ::cue ridiculous grin and happy dance::

Holy shit, I just can't believe it.  I am so freaking happy right now, it is truly an amazing feeling, especially since it is so rare with our IF journey.  We have a frostie, SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted, I was so worried about not having a plan b (I've been doing this long enough that I always want a plan b in the wings, ready to go) but now, we have that option.  We could do a FET if we needed to.  I pray with every fibre of my being that we don't need to use it any time soon, but the relief of knowing we can is so good for my mental well being.  It feels like a tiny ounce of pressure has been lifted off this cycle, not having all our eggs (or embryos!) in one basket.  And I know no one knows what is happening with the two we transferred, but this gives me so much hope for them.  We transferred our best two, so if #3 made it to day 6 and good enough to freeze, I can't help but feel extra hopeful about the quality of the ones we did transfer.  I feel like I can breathe a little easier, and it sure is helping me to stay in a good head space.  I know I just started in the 2ww, and I will not doubt ride the IF emotional roller coaster along the way, but for the first time in a long time, I am happy, and hopeful, excited and optimistic.

Random funny story: before bed last night, I told H to keep his fingers crossed for our embie #3 and hope we get good news today.  He says, "I'm crossing my fingers so hard for good news for our blastobaby".  Just one of many reasons I love this man!  Blastobaby, haha, I love it!

To have a frostie, or not to have a frostie, that is the question

I have been anxious since I woke up, waiting for 10am so I could call the clinic to see how embryo #3 is doing and find out if we will get to freeze.  At 10am they said they didn't know yet, try back again after noon.  Fine, I suppose I can distract myself for another 2 hours.  I call at noon, they still don't know.  WTF guys, seriously?!  I was told we would know Tues, and reports are usual at the clinic by 11am.  Do you have any idea how difficult every minute can be when you are waiting on this news??  Clearly not.  I called again at 2pm and was told that my nurse finally spoke to a lab person, they were in a meeting apparently (Grrrrrrr!) but they'll fax my info over right away.  I asked the nurse to call me as soon as she got it, this waiting is killing me!  So I just got the call and my heart stopped - please let it be good news!  The nurse says, "No news is good news" and I think what the hell, did you not get a report from the lab?  Apparently there isn't much of an update today, they are going to let embie #3 keep marinating until tomorrow, at which point we should know if it's survived and we can freeze.  Two opposing emotions:  Hooray!!!!!!!  This is a victory, we still have a third embryo, we still have the possibility to freeze, it's still growing!!!  and WTF people, I have to do this for another 24 hrs?!?  Do you guys not realize this waiting is so very difficult?  And if there wasn't much news, why on earth did you make me wait all day, staring at the clock??  Not cool.  But anyways, I am choosing to focus less on my annoyance and all on my third embaby, who is hopefully still working on dividing into the right number of cells and growing strong.  We still have a chance here.

I did a little googling to see what our embabies are, or should be, up to:

I also found this nifty chart - I do so love my lists and charts!  It's interesting to see how things should be progressing.

I can't understand how this chart says at 11dp3dt you should be able to detect pregnant, but my clinic has my beta set for June 16, which is 16dp3dt!!  I have P4 b/w on Thurs, I'm going to ask about those dates.  Everyone I talk to says it is usually 2 weeks after ER, not ET.  Do not make me wait any longer than I have to, please!  So today, I am praying for my 3rd embaby still at the lab, and praying that the two currently living in my ute are working on becoming blastocysts.  Come on embabies, grow/stick!!!

You ladies weren't joking, I think this will be the longest two weeks of my life.  

PUPO!!

What a stressful few days that was.  I was shocked when we got our fert report on Friday, and my mind started racing and going to all the worst places, mostly being concerned with my eggs.  I couldn't understand how we got so few eggs, and so few that fertilized, especially using ICSI.  We let ourselves be sad and disappointed and angry on Friday, then we got up on Saturday and tried to get into a better head space.  I think we were both staying guarded, we were so worried there was more bad news in store for us, it just kind of feels like par for the course these days.  I tried to keep busy on Sat, my mom and I went for pedicures and then out for lunch.  We watched a movie and just hung out for most of the afternoon - it helped to try and stay distracted, although it was never long before my mind went right back to the what if's for transfer day.

On Sunday morning we gave ourselves lots of time to get downtown to the clinic.  Of course the highway was closed for a bike marathon, cause why wouldn't it be on the one important day I need to get downtown?  But we made it with plenty of time, which was good since the building appeared to be locked, cue moment of WTF??  Another lady came and buzzed in, so we followed her in.  Crisis averted!  We then headed upstairs to check in and stuff and then I guzzled back some Powerade - have I mentioned how much I detest the appts where you need a full bladder??  That's just not fun for anyone, namely me.  Our doctor was about 15mins late, no biggie, it's not like we were there on pins and needles, eager for an update, hungry for some information - you just take your time.  (She was not in my good books at this point).  She finally arrived and we were ready to go!

They took me into another procedure room and got me up on the table.  H came in and sat next to me, then Dr. C finally, after what felt like an eternity, gave us some info.  We have three, beautiful 8-cell embryos, one grade 1, two grade 2's.  Huge sigh of relief!  H said you could literally see my face change from sheer panic and nerves to elation.  Did she really just say that??  That was literally, at that point, the best possible news we could have received.  She also explained that during ER, a lot of my bigger follies were actually empty and contained no eggs, then we got a handful of immature ones, a post mature one and a few good ones.  She said it was quite a mixed bag and was actually indicative of PCOS - no one has ever mentioned this to me before, and when I google, I don't think I have many of the typical symptoms, but interesting to hear some more info at least.  We also learned that while they got 7 eggs, they only fertilized 3 because the other 4 were immature.  So of 3 fertilized, all 3 had made it to day 3, 8 cell embies, which makes me feel much better than only having 3 of 7 work.  It kind of made me think that maybe not all my eggs are good, but that when they find the good ones, we can actually make good embryos, or at least that's how I'm interpreting it right now.

We decided to transfer the best two and let #3 continue to develop into blasocyst at which point, if all looks good, we'll freeze - I'll find out tomorrow about this (fingers crossed!).  Then it was go time!  We watched the tv screen from the lab.  They showed my name - yup, definitely my embies, and zoomed right in so we could see them while the doctor remarked how beautiful they looked.  Then we saw them get sucked up the catheter, at which point I laughed and was told not to do that, haha, and the embryologist passed the catheter through the window in the wall to Dr. C.  We got to watch the u/s machine while they put my embies in.  It was honestly a pretty amazing moment.

That's them, those are my embabies!!  I am so incredibly grateful for them and grateful for this opportunity.  I pray that this is the first of many incredibly ultrasounds, I pray that at least one sticks around for the long haul.  And now, the dreaded 2ww....this should be fun ;)

Fert report is in

And it is not what we were hoping for.  I was so anxious about that call today, I have been praying non stop that those 7 eggs would be mature and fertilize well.  I don't know that I've ever prayed so hard for anything before.  I called the clinic around 10:30am and talked to one of the nurses.  As per almost every phone call we have with results, she starts with, "Well, it's not as good as we were hoping for.  We have 3 mature embryos that fertilized and are doing well today."  I'm sorry, did she just say THREE??  11 mature + 3 maybe follies, 7 eggs, we used ICSI, and only 3 are left today?!  Wow, this was totally not what we were expecting or hoping for.  I called H afterwards and he is beyond disappointed, upset and angry.  It all just feels so unfair.  When will we catch a break?  It seems our news is always "not as good as we were hoping".  I really, sincerely believed, as did our doctors, that I would be a great IVF patient and we'd get plenty of eggs and embies.

I had a serious cry fest while chatting with a couple of amazing friends who tried to help me deal with the news.  Thank you for that, ladies <3   I've been texting with H on and off all day, I know he's really disappointed, I think yesterday was hard for him.  He has a hard time watching me go through all this, we just really wanted it to be more than worth it, ya know?  We really wanted that Plan B, that we would have frosties for a FET if we got there, or for a second child.  This isn't to say we're giving up on this cycle, I am still praying with all I have for my 3 embabies, praying that they make it to Sunday's transfer, praying that at least one will result in our baby.  But we need to go through the emotions, we need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling right now - today, we're allowed to be sad and mad and disappointed.  And by Sunday, we will get our game face back on and try to pour as much love and positivity into this cycle as we can.  I want to give my embabies the very best shot I can, they deserve that.  And I know that it's so important to be in a good head space.  But I also know I need to allow myself to feel the range of emotions that comes along with this journey.  Stifling them or pretending they're not there is not going to do me, H or our embabies any good. So for today I am sad, and I can't wait until the work day is over and H gets home.  I can't wait for him to come home and wrap his arms around me.  Everything feels a little better, a little easier to deal with when he's here.

Dear embabies.

If you only knew how very loved you already are, the dreams and the hopes that I have for you.  Please keep growing strong, please make it to our reunion on Sunday.  I want to have you back with me, I want to be your mom.  I promise to do everything in my power to protect you, to help you grow big and strong in the hopes that one day we'll get to meet face to face.  I have never wanted anything more in my life, nor have I ever loved someone so much, especially someone I have yet to meet.  I pray with all that I am, with all that I have, that you and I will get that chance.  I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, watch you grow and to love you for a lifetime.

Love,

Your very hopeful mom-to-be

ER

So yesterday was ER day.  We got up and headed downtown, through horrible traffic, stressing about making it on time.  But we did.  We got a little cubicle room/locker area to wait.  They took H away to do his part while I signed a few more forms.  Then the nurse started my IV, I requested Zofran because the only other times I've been out, I woke up feeling mighty nauseated, plus I've been feeling queasy all through stims, I figured it couldn't hurt.  Then H and I hung out waiting, trying to practice some deep breathing to stay calm and fight off my anxiety.  When it was time, the nurse took me in alone to the procedure room and got me settled on the table, looking all classy gracious with my legs up in rather high stirrups feeling completely exposed.  Directly opposite me and my wide open access vag, is a door in the wall for the lab.  Hey, it's not like enough people haven't had a hand up my stuff in this whole process, why feel modest now?  I joked to the nurse, "Well, isn't this romantic?!  Just how I always imagined it would be!"  She covered me up with a sheet and brought H in to sit by my head.  He was all decked out in his scrubs.  If I had ever had a doctor fantasy before, consider me over it now.  Dr. C came in and said hi and stuff, then they started the meds and I got sleepy.  I do remember feeling something uncomfortable at one point and the nurse saying she'd give me more meds, that's about all I remember until I woke up back in my cubicle sitting next to H.  I remember Dr. C coming by and saying they got 7 eggs.  I then remember tears streaming down my face and saying, "Only 7??"

H filled me on in what happened.  I learned that:
a) we are perfect for each other, since H walked into the procedure room and also said, "Well isn't this romantic!"  I love him so.
b) even when under conscious sedation, I like to be helpful.  Dr. C said something about needing to push down on my abdomen, I'm guessing to find lefty, who notoriously like to hide.  Apparently I was quick to volunteer to help, only to be told that someone else could manage that ;)
c) apparently I still have a sense of humor.  H and a nurse helped me stumble back toward our cubicle.  Apparently she was going to pass it and I said, "No, we're in number 1" followed by my exclamation, "I'm number 1!"  Evidently I was kind of funny.
d) I am repetitive.  Poor H had to sit through groundhog day, as I kept coming to asking, "How did I get back here?" then I would nod off only to wake again and say, "How did I get here?"

I had one moment as we arrived home and I got out of the car that I thought I would be sick, but alas, I did not, hooray!  I went straight to bed for a few hours, then hung out on the couch with H all day.  He is truly amazing, I am so lucky to have such an amazing partner in all this.  He had got me flowers and stocked up on all sorts of things, he waited on me hand and foot.  Then later in the afternoon the doorbell rang and to my pleasant surprise, my MIL had sent an edible arrangements basket of fruit.  She really is so sweet, and the fruit is delicious!  I spent all day and night on the couch vegging out, I was pretty out of it and pretty sore.  It was much better if I was lying horizontal, so that's pretty much how I stayed.  Then we just got to praying for a great fert report.

Holy shit, it's go time!

I went in for monitoring again this morning.  I was feeling pretty up beat and had some good laughs with my nurses - they are so awesome.  I got vag cam'd first, then sent for b/w, so by the time I got to the exam room, Dr. C was already there with my chart.  She said everything looks awesome and we're ready!!  She read me my follie count, but of course I knew I wouldn't remember and all I could think was, "Damnit, I wanted to ninja my chart before she came in!"  She told me I am triggering tonight, ER on Thurs!  We talked about how that would go, and I asked if Dr. R was around.  She tells me he's on vacation for 3 weeks!  Um, he told H & I that he would be the one to do our ER, so I'm slightly annoyed that's not the case, but I can't stress about it.  She actually said she does most of their IVF procedures, so I guess maybe it's better to have someone well practiced??  That's what I'm going with anyways.  So we talked about Thurs a little and then she said my favourite nurse would be in to go over details with me.  As she was walking out, I asked to see my chart and I totally pulled out my phone and said I wanted to take a picture because I would never remember it all.  She got a kick out of my ninja styles, as did the other nurse who came over midway through!  But I wanted to know my exact numbers, so they can chuckle at me if they want, I need my chart stalk!  For my efforts:

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.  She counted 11 mature and another 3 that might be ready by ER.  I got a list of instructions and when to take which drugs and then when to not, then when to restart - it was a little much, but I think I got it.  Or I'll call to clarify later, whatever ;)  I printed out a calendar and started adding everything to it so I can keep it straight.  And yes, it's colour coded :)

The plan is to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.  I've always used Ovidrel but today I will be triggering with HCG.  The nurse showed me how to mix them, first time for that.  But thankfully I have blog stalked and Dreamed with enough awesome ladies that I knew the mixing needle was NOT the stabbing needle, whew!  We went over it a couple times and I think I'm good with it.  Then tomorrow I start some antibiotics so as not to have any issues from the ER.  I am also going to be taking Dostinex again, which I took after IUI#3 and 4, it should help ward off OHSS, plus all the Powerade I'm supposed to drink, so hopefully that won't be an issue.  Then ER is Thurs at 9:30am, we need to be there for 8:30am with a novel sized stack of consent forms.  I'm a little nervous because we have to go to their downtown location, which I've never been to, and right between me and it, there is a shit load of construction on the roads.  Awesome.  So we'll leave nice and early with plenty of time.  Then we'll be doing ICSI and a 3dt, I can call on Friday to get my fert report, then ET will be Sunday morning.  I am super happy I will only need 1 day off work, and really happy we can battle Sun traffic and not Mon traffic to get there then.  Beta day is set for June 16, which is the Monday after Father's Day.  I am not saying anymore than that, because none of the other signs in the last 2 years have meant jack shit and I'm not taking any chances by jinxing it.

So here we are, already at trigger time!!  I'm anxiously excited.  I am glad I kept my therapy appt for tonight, I could use another session to talk about ways to help me chill out!  Ahhhhh, I can't believe we're really here!  In less than a week I will be PUPO, and hopefully we'll be able to drop the UPO part ;)

Chugging along

In cycle news, today is day 3 of Puregon and Lupron and I am having flashbacks to my first cycle with injects - I have been nauseated more than not since yesterday morning.  Ugh.  I just hope it doesn't last too long, like into next week's ER and stuff, that would not be ideal.  I woke up at 7am feeling like my stomach was doing somersaults, cue brain to go into over drive stressing about anything and everything, including feeling queasy.  Yeah, that definitely helped.  Yesterday it subsided by dinner time, well late dinner time I suppose.  Today, well we haven't quite reached the end for today.  Along with the nausea, I can already feel stuff going on in the ovary region - go follies, go!  I go in tomorrow for a check to see how they're doing.

Tonight I have my first appt with the psychologist - thankfully she had a cancellation so I grabbed it, quick!  With the week I've had, I really need this.  That being said, I'm rather anxious about it.  It seems crazy to me to be anxious about going to talk to someone largely about my anxiety, haha, but I guess it's a prime example.  I'm just hoping that I like her and that it all goes well.  I really hope she can suggest some things to do when I start to feel myself getting anxious and crazy.  I know I will need that particularly for ER and ET.  It can be so hard to calm my mind sometimes, I'm really hoping she has some ideas for me.

The very best part of my week is just over 24 hrs away.  I am thisclose to finally meeting two of my fellow dreamers and I am so freaking excited!!!  I can't believe they're coming here, I am so touched that they would come all this way for little old me, but I plan on making it worth their while :)  We have tickets for a Jays game on Sat afternoon, the weather (knock on wood!) is looking great for some downtown wandering adventures, hopefully some patio drinks, and lots of other ideas but I am most looking forward to is just all being in the same place together and getting to talk, like, really talk, not just on FB chat.  It's amazing that after all we've been through, all the things we've discussed, how close I feel to these women, I can't believe this will be the first time we've ever actually met in person.  Can you tell I'm excited?!?!  Come on, Friday night!!

Especially with being in the IF closet, this couldn't be more true <3

What a week...

What a week it has been.  If you thought things sucked last time you blog stalked me, let me tell you, never underestimate the ability of the universe to take a serious shit on you.

Last Thursday my life kind of blew up.  Our Hail Mary BFP was too good to be true - not unexpected, but disappointing nonetheless.  So while dealing with another BFN, facing the fact that we're really moving on to IVF, yesterday was our 23 month TTC anniversary, my parents drama explodes to epic proportions.  My dad moved out this weekend. I really can't say more than that right now, I'm still trying to process all of this. I'm devastated; my family, as I know it, is over, I couldn't be more hurt or angry with my dad AND WE'RE STARTING IVF!  Seriously people, you're killing me over here.  I spent the weekend curled up on the couch being a whole other level of sad, I even bailed on my friend's 30th birthday party because I didn't think I could handle going and making small talk and pretending I'm ok when my heart is broken.  It was a shitty weekend, to say the least.  I honestly just keeping asking myself, how is this my life?  It all just feels so surreal, like it's happening to someone else.  This can't really be my life, can it??


IVF#1
Today is CD4 and I went in for baseline monitoring.  Everything went well, boy did I miss the vag cam!  Oh wait, no I didn't.  I saw Dr. C today - I'm fine with her for monitoring but I'm praying that it will be Dr. R that does my ER and ET.  I started on 150 of Puregon and 10 Lupron.  I will go back in for a check on Friday.  She guessed ER will probably be early to mid next week, since I'm an established quick responder.  I am just praying that this will finally be it for us, that we will finally have success and get to hold our baby at the end of this.  Then I paid our massive bill - ouch!  So yeah, it's been an awesomely terrible week to be me, but I am just doing my very best to put it aside so I can focus some positive energy on this cycle and reduce stress anywhere I can.

Hail Mary Cycle

I'm officially in the 2ww for our natural cycle (#22) before we move on to IVF.  We had decent timing and I O'd nice and early (woo hoo!) so I'm pretty happy with that, but still not holding my breath.  It was amazing to, I don't know, have sex to try to get pregnant!  LOL, what a novel idea!  So yeah, 4dpo now and just riding it out, praying but glad we have a plan B lined up.  Also, wtf is up with the spotting the last two days??  I am a spotter, but usually not until the tail end of my LP, I don't think I've ever spotted at 3 & 4dpo.  Just one more thing that makes your brain go, "hmmm...could that be a sign??"  Sigh, IF brain you're exhausting.

So since we're moving on to IVF and I have the endo biopsy scheduled for next Tues, and I know I'll want to take ER and ET days off, I figured it was a good idea to clue my business partner in.  I figured she'd be a lot more understanding if she knew what was going on, especially if I needed any more flexibility with work.  It went really well, she was very cool about things and fortunately the phone then started ringing so we didn't get into a long drawn out conversation about it, but she's in the loop and I feel better about that.

I also talked to my mom and filled her in on our plan to move onto IVF next cycle.  Knock on wood, things with the parental unit have become a bit less dramatic these days.  This is not to say things are fixed or all better, it just doesn't feel so all-consuming and overwhelming for me, which I am so grateful for.  I told her that I'm happy things are going well and I really hope that continues.  I also told her nicely that I may need to be a little selfish with this upcoming cycle, I really can't handle any more drama, I really just need to focus on us.  She couldn't have been more understanding and supportive and assured me she would do everything possible to ensure they don't add to my stress.  It felt good to say that, and a bit easier since things are going better with them now.  I love my family and they are a huge priority in my life, but right now, if we're going to spend $10-12K on this next cycle, I need to be able to focus on us, and she totally understood.  Cue my relief.

So we're all set!  We're praying for our miracle BFP while preparing for IVF.

I just love this <3

Consider me consulted!

So I may have done a little (or a lot) of grumbling about the price tag of our IVF consult.  I mean, how many doctors do you work with that all of a sudden charge you $400 to discuss a new treatment??  Seems crazy to me, but what can I do?  I have to say though, it was a great appt.  He didn't rush us, he answered every question I had and encouraged me to write down any more questions I come up with and he'll answer them, or find an answer for them.  We spent close to an hour and a half in there!  So at least I feel I got my money's worth!  Being a huge nerd and keener, I honestly feel like I aced a test, haha!  I went into that consult so well prepared with knowledge and questions - thank you bumpies and dreamers for teaching me so much!  He also sent me home with an info packet to read through - I'm excited to dive in!

We are officially moving on to IVF#1 as soon as CD1 rolls around.  Prior to that, I have an appt on May 13 to have an endometrial biopsy.  Dr. R strongly urges them with IVF patients as there has been promising research and studies on higher success rates after having any kind of "disturbance" of the lining.  (He seemed impressed that I had been reading up on this - point me!)  If it won't cause any harm and could potentially help, I'm all for it.  Hell, I told Dr. R if he told me to dance in the rain because he thought it would help, I would!  After the biopsy, we wait for CD1.  I will go in for my typical CD3 b/w and u/s and start stims.  We are looking at using the same meds I did for our IUI cycles - Puregon and Lupron.  We will probably start the stims a bit higher and then step back as we go, likely starting at 225IU and backing off as we see how I'm responding, and 10IU Lupron.  Honestly, this has really put my mind at ease since I've already used these meds and know what to expect, I was nervous thinking about new meds to get used to and more unknowns, so this little piece of info really carried a lot of weight with me.

ER and ET are done at their associated clinic downtown at what I take it is a really nice ART facility, all my monitoring will be at my usual clinic, 15mins from home - I'm so lucky in that respect.  He explained how the ER works and that almost all patients report it being a fairly pain free procedure - another relief!  They always use ICSI, unless you don't want to, but he explained the benefits of doing it and the very minimal risks to the egg.  He has seen substantially better results with ICSI than "natural fertilization" (that term seems to really not fit when talking about IVF!).  He hands down recommends using it, which we agree with, he made a good case for it.  They also primarily do 3dt, largely because he agrees with the thought that the shorter the time the embryos are out of their natural environment the better.  He gave us about a 60% success rate with a fresh, 3dt of 2 embryos. Considering our best IUI cycle he guesstimated 27% chance of success, that's a big difference.  And it helps to validate the added cost of IVF, if it only increased our chances a small amount, it would be harder to stomach the jump in price, but this really helped.  It also helped when I asked him point blank if he thinks this is the right time for us to move on, considering a couple months ago we discussed up to 6 IUIs.  All 4 of our IUI cycles were perfect on paper - lots of follies, great SAs, and the success rates do tend to drop off after 4 IUIs, so he really did believe this is the best decision for us.  That helped too.  So, there we have it, we are moving forward and praying that this will finally be what brings us our baby.

IVF Consult

I did a little searching on TB for questions to ask at an IVF consult and found this list, which I've been tweaking a little here and there, but it sure looks like a good jumping off point!  If you, my dedicated and awesome stalkers, have any suggestions of things to ask, please feel free to comment and let me know what I'm missing!  Also, my RE talked about doing an endometrial scraping - any advice??

IVF Cycle Questions
1.    How soon can we start our IVF cycle?
2.    Will you be doing the egg retrieval/embryo transfer yourself, or will it be another doctor?
3.    What protocol do you suggest for us, and why? What meds will I be on, and at what dosages?
4.    How many follicles are you hoping for in a cycle? At what point would you cancel or convert to IUI?            What abut concern for OHSS?
5.    How many embryos would you transfer in our situation?  Do we get final say?
6.    Are embryos that aren't selected for transfer frozen?
7.    What day would you normally transfer on, or does this depend on embryo quality?  When will we                  know?
8.    What are your success rates for our age group? Per embryo transferred? For our type of infertility?              What do you anticipate our success rate being? What is your live birth rate?
9.    How many cycles would we need, realistically?
10.  How much information do you give as we go through our cycle? (ie: follicle size, count, E2, P4 etc…            while stimming. What about fertilization and embryo reports?)
11.  How will I be sedated for egg retrieval?  Can you walk me through the procedure?
12.  Do you perform “natural IVF”?  (this was on the list I mostly C&P'd, I want to Google this, and              Mini IVF and any of the other IVF options!)
13.  Do you recommend bed rest after embryo transfer? For how long?
14.  What are the pros and cons of ICSI?
15.  What's the difference, and are both offered, between ICSI and assisted hatching?
16.  If the first round fails, what's the process for doing a FET if there were frosties?  How soon?

Medication/Supplements Questions
1.    When should I be stopping supplements, and is there anything in particular that you would suggest, or            that we should stay away from? (ie: Melatonin, DHEA, Tribulus Forte, CoQ10…)
2.    Do you use PIO, Crinone, or suppositories?
3.    Can we purchase our meds at an independent pharmacy?
4.    What do you think about acupuncture?
5.    What medications will we be on, and at what dosages?

Testing Questions
1.    Does any testing needs to be repeated?
2.    Any new tests?

Lifestyle Questions
1.      What lifestyle changes do I need to make prior to cycling?
2.      What will my physical limitations be while cycling?

Monitoring Questions
1.      How available is a nurse/doctor while cycling? (via phone or email)
2.      How often do you do monitoring?

Financial Questions
1.      How much will this cost?
2.      Do you have a price list? Detailed cost list?
3.      What are some “extra” costs that might pop up during a cycle?
4.      Do you have a shared risk or multiple cycle program?
5.      What about other types of discounts?
6.      How much will a FET cycle cost?
7.      What is the cost of freezing embryos?  Storage fees?
8.      Where will they be stored and for how long?

*this is a work in progress, I may alter this list as I go!

And benched...

I was a little nervous heading in for monitoring this morning, H & I had agreed on a plan and felt ok with it, but I have had a few instances of intense pain and cramping in the last couple of weeks, so I was a little apprehensive about things.  And apparently, with good reason.  There are a number of "left over follicles" from last cycle, which I think are cysts but they seemed hesitant to use that word.  They weren't too bad/severe but the RE (the one with the foot in mouth syndrome) did not want me to stim again this cycle, especially with how well I respond to injects, she thought a break would be a good idea.  She did mention the idea of Femara but I don't see a point, it didn't do much for me before and if the point is to give my ovaries a break, let's give them a break.  So a natural cycle it is.

She also looked over all my medicated cycles and we discussed my IUI cycles in more depth, apparently many people respond fairly consistently but not me, I'm a special snowflake, "and enigma" she said.  We seem to keep getting more and more follies, which as she pointed out, will be ideal for IVF.  She strongly encouraged us not to waste time or money on another IUI, she really thought it was time for us to move on to IVF.  On the positive side, my response has been great to injects, I have lots of follies, she is hopeful we'd have some to freeze also, but I know that's part of the gamble.  I can do it anytime I like, there's no schedule or anything like that.  She said if we were ready for IVF in May, toward the last half of this cycle we could do our consult and I could have an endo scraping, which they do before an IVF.  I've heard both the REs mention good stats and promising results on "touching" or "disturbing" the lining before a transfer, and I've heard it a few places also - it's on my list of things to research.  But essentially, we can get going anytime we're ready.

So now I have a project while I warm the bench - reading up on IVF, finding out about different clinics in the area, price comparing, etc.  At least I have something to do, I guess?

Twenty-two

Cycle twenty-two, that is, started yesterday - Happy Easter to me.  After our shittastic beta on Thursday, H and I were grateful for the holiday Friday so we could just be together and wallow in our sadness, curse IF, get angry and then start to figure out how to move forward.  This cycle hit H really hard.  I think he really never thought we'd need to seriously discuss IVF.  I think he really believed that one of these cycles would work for us.  But after 3 failed Femara cycles and 4 failed IUIs, we're both thinking it's time to try something new.  Every cycle has been the same or better than the last.  Every one of them has looked perfect on paper.  And every one has ended the same way.  I think this weekend was a real turning point for H, and I think it's been hard for him to wrap his head around taking the next step - moving to IVF.  Neither of us honestly believed we'd get here.  I am terrified of taking this step.

I'm terrified that this is the end of the road, there are no further medical advances, IVF is it.  I know there are different protocols and such, but for every step we've taken, there was an incrementally small-ish step to take next.  Natural to Femara.  Femara to injects + IUI.  But IVF just seems so final and scary.  I know it's expensive for everyone, but that scares me too. This is a huge gamble - $12k and no guarantees.  And it terrifies me to see how often IVF isn't successful.  I used to always imagine that was the guaranteed way to get pregnant if you're struggling and nothing else works, but now, my eyes are open, and I know it's not nearly as sure a bet as I used to think it was.  And as happy as I am that Ontario is moving toward funding one IVF cycle, that's not expected until next year sometime, and who knows if it will go through as quickly as expected.  So much about taking this next step scares me.

So the plan moving forward then is to go ahead with IUI#5.  I think by the time we do this last one, we will both feel like we've really exhausted this option, making it easier for us to move on to IVF.  In the mean time, we will make an IVF consult appt (for $400...seriously??) with our current clinic, I'm interested to see the protocol and overall schedule they would suggest for us.  In addition, I did some googling to see if there are any other clinics near by that we couple compare.  I am grateful on a regular basis that my clinic is a 15min drive.  Inject cycles require you to be there so very often (some weeks, with IUIs, I've been in 4-5 days in a row) so location is important to consider.  In my googling, I found another clinic/website that seems to be in the same building I'm in now but on another floor.  It's not obvious to me if it's a full on clinic or if they are more labs/facilities, since a lot of their webpage talks about sperm bank,egg and embyo donation I'm a little unclear about what exactly they offer, but I think I'll give them a call and find out.  So there it is, cycle 22 will be our fifth and final IUI while we research and budget for IVF.

Fuck This, Fuck That

This pretty much sums up how I feel about today.  I POAS this morning and there it was, the stick with one, single, solitary line staring back at me, mocking me.  I told H I think those tests don't really turn positive, he concurred they must be defective.  The sad part is I know they're not, but it sure does make me feel defective.  Why won't my body cooperate?  Why won't this work?  We have awesome cycles on paper - lots of follies, tons of sperm, everything goes just perfect - except the end.  And I hate not knowing what exactly isn't working.  Is it the creating of an embryo we struggle with?  Can we get an embryo but it can't seem to implant?  I hate not knowing what is going on, but more than that I hate feeling like my body is betraying me, failing me.  This is what it is designed to do!  This is one of nature's miracles.  This is something I have dreamed about and wanted my entire life - to be pregnant and to then to meet our baby.  That dream feels so far away right now.  I can't help but think of Einstein's quote, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  That's often how this feels.

When I was a kid (and still to this day), I had really terrible motion sickness.  When we'd go to an amusement park, my mom and brother would go on all the big rides and roller coasters.  I didn't particularly like those rides, especially roller coasters.  One of my biggest fears was being on one and half way through feeling sick and not being able to get off the ride - it's the not being able to stop it part that created a lot of anxiety for me.  Right now, I feel like I'm trapped on this IF roller coaster from hell and all I want to do is get off, get my feet planted firmly back on solid ground, and feel like everything is ok again.  But getting off the IF ride right now would mean no baby, and that's not an option, so now I must prepare myself to go round and round again, for the 22nd time.

Today means that we officially will not get our Christmas miracle.  It means we will not be holding our baby in our arms in 2014.  It means that the earliest we could meet our baby is 2015, which right now, feels like a lifetime away, especially when I think that we started trying in 2012.  Why is this so easy for some people, and so unbelievably difficult for others?  Why does this have to be so hard?

Heartbroken

This world can be so cruel and unfair.  I am just devastated for my good friend, Becky and her family right now.  I can't stop thinking about her, sending all my love and prayers.  It's so hard when you know there's nothing else you can do for someone you love.  There are no words that can take away her pain, there is no way to "fix" this for her.  All I can do is tell her how much I love her, that she is not alone, we are here for her.  This is what I keep telling myself.  Then, driving home from b/w this morning, I was listening to some Mumford and the perfect song (Timshel) came on at the perfect time, and the refrain is just so fitting:

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers sisters we will stand

And we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

Becky, if you read this, please know that you are not alone, we are all here for you, and we love you, your husband, and your sweet baby girl, more than words can express.  I love you.  <3