And the results are in...BFN.

I tested yesterday at 12dpo.  We had a long weekend here, yesterday was Family Day.  I debated testing, I didn't want to ruin our holiday Monday but then I decided that it might not be a bad idea to have the day, without any demands on me, to deal with whatever the test had to say.  And it's Family Day, that's a sign, right??  (20 months of signs...)  It was yet another BFN.  You'd think that 19 of them (and that's only assuming 1 per cycle!) would get easier but it's actually the opposite.  I was pretty bummed, as was H, but he tried to remain hopeful that maybe it was too early.  He has now found the HPT accuracy chart online, he knows what's up.  We had a low key day and just hung out together.  My sobfest didn't last as long as last cycle, but I did spend the afternoon baking delicious cookies - don't judge me.

It's so hard to know you've stacked the deck as best you can - we had multiple eggs and amazing post wash sperm counts BOTH days, the cycle was theoretically pretty damn near perfect and still, another failure.  As I called the clinic for the results, I was literally holding and squeezing a four leaf clover charm my good friend Chickin sent me, heart racing, palms sweaty, praying for a miracle.  I didn't get a miracle, I got the same news I always get.  I feel like I'm living Groundhog day over and over again, and I seriously hated that movie.  It is so difficult to think about doing it all over again.  I know I will, I am learning that even when part of me feels like giving up, I am stronger than I think I am.  I will pick myself up, I will do it all over again, because what choice do I have?  I'm just getting really tired of having to be so tough and strong, having to endure it all, over and over again.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just wish I knew where the finish line was, and what it looks like, then I know I could handle anything that is thrown my way, the not knowing is so difficult for me.

And to add to my roller coaster of emotions surrounding this BFN, I am stressing about next cycle.  H is away on business from Feb 24-Mar 3.  If AF can hold off until Sat, I think we should be ok, if not, I think H will need to go and have a sample frozen before he leaves.  I cannot stand the idea of sitting this cycle out.  I need to get back at it.  It's my last shot at getting KU before my 30th, which is quickly approaching next month, there are very few due dates in 2014 left period.  I already look around and see people on TB lapping me, my SIL is close to getting KU and giving birth, all while we're seeing an RE and trying to get pregnant.  I feel like people around me are all moving forward and I'm standing still, in the same spot I was 20 months ago - empty uterus and all.  And tomorrow officially marks 20 long fucking months.
I just want to scream FU IF!!!