Pregnant after infertility. It's a strange place to be most days. I am constantly amazed and eternally grateful for this opportunity. I am in awe that there are currently two little humans, growing inside me right now. I am proud of my body for doing this amazing thing. But it's hard to let go of IF brain. I spent so long being angry and feeling like my body was failing me. I was mad that it wasn't doing what it was meant to do, and now I am blown away that it is growing two little people, it's finally doing what I have been praying for it to do all alone. We spent two years getting bad news, being in the wrong end of all of the statistics. Every hopeful, happy thought was accompanied by a feeling of impending dread and despair. It was hard to let myself dream of the future I so desperately wanted.
And then I got pregnant. And then we found out we're having twins. And almost daily, there is a moment of amazement, of, "Is this real life? Is this finally, really happening for us?" And it's hard to believe it and embrace it. It's hard to stop holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We have been blessed, we have made it to 12 weeks with an amazing and uneventful pregnancy. We have seen the babies growing, we have seen their hearts beating, we heard it last week for the first time. Everything is moving along just like it should. So when does the nervousness subside? When do you stop feeling anxious and worried? My OB said I'm another regular pregnant lady. When will I feel like that? It feels like my battle with IF has left deep scars that are taking a long time to heal, it's hard to believe that everything is really working out. I thought when I got to 12 weeks, this milestone would feel like a weight has been lifted. The rates of miscarriage drop off significantly, we have had no reason to be alarmed, hell I've had a pretty damn easy pregnancy (which I'm beyond grateful for, knock on wood!). It almost feels too good to be true.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, or that I don't acknowledge just how lucky and blessed we are. I do, I pray every day and am thankful for this miracle. I can't believe that this is really happening. I can't even put into words how happy I am, how thankful I am. I'm just also scared, and nervous and I hope one day, those feelings will start to subside. I've been hesitant and scared to share our news with the world, I haven't bought anything for the babies yet. I can't explain it, but it somehow feels like I'm going to jinx things, which I know is ridiculous, but it's just this hesitation, like at any minute I'm going to be shaken awake and realize this has all been a dream. I don't really think that our battle with IF will ever not be in my mind necessarily, but I really hope that at some point I can take a breath and just be that normal pregnant lady my OB said I am.
I feel like I'm horrible at explaining things and like I don't find the right words sometimes so here goes nothing...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it's like to be pregnant after IF, I can't imagine how hard and scary it is. I don't want to minimize your feelings at all - I think they are 100% completely justified and logical. But you know what else I think they are? Normal. I don't think the worrying ever stops from here on out, it just changes.
I didn't buy anything for this baby until I was probably 18-20 weeks. You can't jinx anything sweetie. Keep your chin up <3 <3
Completely absolutely totally normal. I think every one of us who has been PAIF (and has a blog) has written at least one post expressing these exact same feelings. Trust me that those feelings will start to fade. Unfortunately, they really didn't start to fade for me until around 18 weeks (and like Ally, I didn't buy anything for Petey until around that same time) but the IF-brain was definitely fading at that point and pure excitement was taking over. Just keep pushing along and try not to think too much and try to just enjoy the fact that your pregnancy has been going well. You will be okay. You won't always feel like this. But in the meantime, take solace in the fact that we have ALL felt this way. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI can relate to all of these feelings. As you know, the scars haven't healed for me either. Sometimes I still say "if we have a baby" and people always correct me with "when", but I don't know...I'm still very afraid to believe this is real. Other times, I just starting ugly crying with happiness and relief. I guess we never get off the roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you're having a relatively easy pregnancy so far, at least physically. I hope that the six months or so go smoothly as well! Hugs and love for you and your little babies <3
Haha, YES to the random and unexpected ugly crying with happiness and relief!
Delete((Hugs)) Jaytee. I wish there was a way to erase IF and loss, unfortunately I think it'll be a part of all of us forever. I wish you nothing but the most boring, healthy, normal pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI think it's completely normal. I've gone through the same thing myself. After all that struggle, heartache, time and money, it's hard to turn of that mentality. Some days it's hard to believe that you've finally reached the goal you've been aiming for all this time. It's like you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a magic cure, but I will say time has helped me. The longer I'm pregnant, the more my body is changing, the easier it is to believe that this is it. This is FINALLY it. So, enjoy the good days. And know we're all her to help when the day are tough :)
I love you ladies, thanks for helping me not feel so alone and for the kinds words <3
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