A Mini IF Meltdown

Cycle 14, that is.  I completely expected AF to arrrive, I didn't have very high hopes about this cycle.  It seems like rubbing salt in the wound to not only not be pregnant and have AF arrive, but the cramps, really?  Is that necessary??  Last night was spent curled up on the couch, breathing through the waves of horrid cramps scarfing down chocolate - hey, don't judge.  Way to kick off the long weekend!  (that's my sarcasm font, obviously)

Yesterday we went back to the RE for our second set of tests, which consisted of various ultrasounds.  I met H there since he went right from work, and he seemed a little off.  Afterwards, he was pretty grumpy, and I was understanding, who likes going to medical tests, but we didn't really get too much of a chance to talk.  He had to head back to work while I met up with my mom for pedicures and lunch (I drew the long stick on that one!).  After work, H came home and was apologetic for being grumpy, and said he was just feeling pretty rattled after our appt.  We sat down to talk about things and this was the first time I've seen H get all worked up/concerned/freaked out/etc about dealing with IF.  He seems hellbent on assuming there is something wrong with him - he is a healthy, active 28 year old man in good shape.  His hypochrondriac mind is taking over, and he is super worried about the results and is really annoyed we have to wait until next Friday to get our results.  He even asked if we can try to move up our appt, which would be tough and I'm not sure they'd have all of the results any sooner, plus this is a long weekend.  I felt pretty bad for him, I kept trying to reassure him and tell him there's no reason to get ahead of ourselves, in less than a week we'll get the full report and go from there.  No point in playing the "what if" game now.

I was fortunately feeling ok yesterday, surprising since it turned into CD1, I reassured him as best I could.  He apologized for unloading on me and I kept telling him that we're a team, this is what we do.  I get to unload on him and tell him when I'm scared, angry, sad, etc. and he gets to do the same.  He gets to feel the way he feels and he shouldn't have to keep that from me - we're in this together.  This was the first time I've heard him say, "Why us?  What did we ever do, why do we have to go through this?  This isn't fair." and all I could say is, "You're right, this isn't fair.  IF fucking sucks, and I'm sorry we are going through this."  I, too, thought this would be a magical process - we'd decide to have kids, have some fun sexy times for a few months or so, and then get pregnant.  I never dreamed that I would come to feel the way I do about TTC.  I am jealous of those who never have to know that TTC can get to a point that it's not fun anymore (not the sex part, that's always fun, but the TTC part of it all).  I love my husband more than anything and it broke my heart to see him like that.  I think we are both mourning for the TTC process we envisioned when we set out down this road.  I really felt like we are in this together - for the good, the bad, the angry, the sad - all of it.  Just because men's feelings regarding dealing with IF aren't often spoken about, doesn't mean they aren't going through a lot and trying to sort out their emotions too.  This is hard for him, I'm not the only one hurting and I'm really happy he was able to talk to me about it.

My favourite text from yesterday came after he apologized for being so negative, I told him it's ok to feel however he feels, and this was his response: "I have feelings too ya know!  I just don't understand them so I get mad at them.  Then when I can't beat them up, I get even madder".  That is my amazing and funny husband, I about died laughing when I read that.  He always manages to keep his sense of humour.

Cycle 14, CD2 and 6 days until we get our results and a plan.  Here's to hoping the week flies by and H doesn't lose his mind before then!