Too Much

I feel like I'm drowning.  You know how people often say, "When it rains, it pours", well it's been raining so hard it feels like a flood.  I have been having a lot of tough IF days recently.  I really thought I would feel so much better once we started with the RE, but I'm finding myself grieving for the way I thought this would go.  I thought TTC would be fun.  I thought I'd get pregnant on my own. I thought I knew how to be my own advocate.  I thought a lot of things that aren't really playing out as I had planned.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around all day every day, but I've had a lot of moments where it just hits me that this all really sucks.

The situation with my parents seems to have come to a head, and it's not good.  He wants out.  After a 40 year relationship, he's ready to call it quits.  I am fuming mad at him, I am angry that he's breaking up our family, I'm angry that he didn't even seem to try, to put in any effort to work on making things better.  I'm heart broken for my mom who has been trying so hard to fight for their marriage.  I can't imagine 40 years from now being in love with my husband and willing to do anything and everything to keep it going and for him to just say, "I don't want this anymore".  I have looked at their relationship with love and admiration for years.  They have not had it easy.  My father has had more than his fair share of health issues, I have seen them pull through what I thought were the worst times for our family.  I don't understand how they can make it through all of that and he's still just willing to walk away?  H & I are trying to hard to start our family and yet my family is crumbling into pieces.  I can't believe I'm even writing all of this here, but I can't bear to say these words out loud but I feel like I'll explode if I keep it all inside.

I am devastated.  I could really use a break at some point here because this is all feeling like too much to handle.  I just want H to come home so I can curl up in his arms while he tells me it's all going to be ok.  This is going to be a long afternoon...