I'm FREEEEE!!!!!!!!!

From our bi-annual tradeshow, that is.  I have been attending and working at these tradeshows since I was about 13 or 14.  I grew up in the industry (wholesale) working at my uncle and my dad's company, so I've been doing this a long time, in a couple different capacities.  I used to be a vendor, so our company would go and set up a booth and retailers come and place orders.  Now, I work for a small software company and we go to provide IT support to our clients who have booth space and use our program to scan and place their orders.  Generally speaking, I like attending these shows.  They are long and tiring days, but I get to see people I haven't seen in 6 months since the last show, and I get to meet people I talk to on the phone regularly, it's always nice to put a face to a name.  In all these years, this was probably the first time I was really dreading going because of all of the personal family drama.  Tradeshows have always been a "me and my dad" thing, it's just ours.  We would bore my mom and H talking shop, it's always been something special that we share.  I would look forward to stopping by his booth, bringing him a Timmy's in the morning, chatting about how the show's going, who's he's seen and run into, etc.  This was not the case this year.  I spent the show actively avoiding him, feeling super anxious about running into him - it was a first, and it was awful.  I should take a step back.

My family drama is....practically a soap opera.  I honestly cannot believe that this is my life, my family, my parents.  In the last month, a lot of shit has come out, things my father has done, the many, many lies he has told.  It is heartbreaking to think about my dad and realize he is not the person I thought he was.  I wrote a post about my dad on Father's Day last year, and now I am not even sure who this person is.  I always valued that he was honest, has integrity, valued his family - and now I can't say that is true.  I think this might be the end of my parents, after 40 years of marriage.  I am sick about it all.  I am really close to my parents, like H and I used to go for Sunday dinners every week, we enjoyed hanging out with them, we all got along so well.  And now my family is falling apart, my mom is a mess, I have no idea how I will ever repair the relationship with my father.  And all of this is happening while I am doing everything in my power to start my family.  It is confusing and hurtful and it is adding so much stress and anxiety to my life right now, I'm honestly having a hard time figuring out how to process and deal with all of this.  I feel like my life is so far out of my control, and that terrifies a control freak like me.

So this week was maxing out on work stress, amplified by avoiding my dad, dealing with my parents shit and starting a new cycle.  Here we are, cycle 19!  I am on day three of injects now, we are doing the same protocol as last cycle since it really did go so well....right until the end, of course.  10 units of Lupron and 150 units of Puregon and I will go back in tomorrow to see how those follies are coming along.  I was super excited that it looks like I should have enough Lupron left from last cycle to get me through this one - that is a good victory when you're OOP!  It's, of course, not the more expensive drug, but I'll take what I can get!  I was really worried about having side effects like I did last cycle, and more so having them during the show.  I am super happy to have made it through the show, I had a couple moments of nausea but it passed.  I half expected to wake up feeling sick this morning, what a pleasant surprise to wake up and feel ok!  Knock on wood, let's not jinx it, I'm not done yet.  Let's hope for a good appt tomorrow!