Round and round we go...

I've touched a little bit on here about my parental drama and I hate to say, it is still ongoing with no end in sight.  I really don't feel comfortable airing all the family dirty laundry, but this is my place to vent and that's just what I need to do right now, but more so in the way this is effecting me because I think that's my right.

I am so angry that this is all going on.  And selfishly, I'm really angry that this is going on WHILE I'm dealing with all this IF shit.  IF is a huge, life changing, mind fucking obstacle that life has thrown at me.  There is no book on how to deal with this, how it will end, when it will end, how I will feel along the way - I am doing the best I can every day.  It it largely thanks to the amazingly supportive friends I have made online that help me get through.  They are there to encourage me and root for me, help pick me up when IF is beating me down, help me find a silver lining where I may not see one, they let me vent and explore my feelings without ever making me feel bad about them, without ever judging me for those feelings.  I would be a mess, and totally lost, without them.  Am I crazy for wanting a little bit of that from my family?  Don't get me wrong, my mom is very supportive of us, she's always praying for us, wishing me well, asking but not prying - she's wonderful.  BUT there is this huge added stress in my life because of their marital problems.  I'm 30 years old, I never in a million years thought I would want my parents to separate or not be together.  But I look at them and do not know how they could possibly rebuild what's been destroyed.

I'm angry that my family is falling apart, and I HATE that this is happening when I am desperately trying to start a family.  The juxtaposition of that is so confusing and overwhelming in my head.  I'm mad that my dad is ruining our family, slowly and painfully, nonetheless.  No one has called it quits, they are sort of working on things, but who knows what that means.  I feel like we've been on a loop for months, one minute they're trying and seem to be doing ok, and then the next there's more shit to deal with and it's really bad again.  It's exhausting and stressful and just so hard for me to deal with.  Normally I love how close I am to my parents, now it's almost a curse.  My mom can't say "Hi" without me knowing if she's ok or if she's upset and probably just stopped crying - I know her too well, and then I don't know how to talk and pretend like I can't tell she's upset.  But I don't want to ask because I don't want to know.  I can't know anymore details about their marriage or their issues.  I can't.  Especially not if I ever hope to have a relationship with my father again.

I feel stuck.  It's not my marriage, I don't get to make any decisions, it's up to them.  But no one is deciding anything and I feel like this back and forth is much harder than dealing with parents who choose not to be together anymore.  I know they need to get there in their own time, but I really hope that's soon, because this has been bad for months and it's just too much.  I don't know how to be here for my mom but not, because I can't be too involved.  I don't know how to fix my relationship with my dad, and frankly, I don't want to just yet.  I may in time, hopefully I will, I can't imagine not having him in my life anymore, but I have no idea how to put the pieces back together after he broke everything.  I just need something to give.