So.Many.Feelings.

I have so many mixed emotions this morning.  As of yesterday evening, I now have another nephew.  I am beyond happy for my BIL&SIL, I love them so much and I'm so happy for them.  I'm also happy to have another nephew!  I love being an aunt, I love my nephews so much, I cannot wait to meet the latest addition to the roster!  I just wish I could stop there, I wish that was all of my feelings about this, but fuck you IF, it's not.  I can't help but feel this overwhelming sadness for us.  I am angry at IF and how unfair it all is.  I'm pissed that it is tainting what should be a happy and joyous occasion with feelings of jealousy and bitterness and sadness. I feel terrible that I was over the moon excited when my first two nephews were born (seriously, I was probably the most excited aunt you'd ever find!) and I want to feel like that now, I want to solely be happy and excited, but I can't.  I feel so guilty for feeling this way.  I'm jealous of my SIL who got KU with #2 on their first try, after we'd been at this for a year.  I felt like I was being lapped then, but we were just starting out at the RE and I thought I at least had a good shot of getting pregnant while she was pregnant, it's a whole nine months, right?  Yet here we are, nine months later and she's at home holding her beautiful new baby in her arms and I feel empty inside.  I'm jealous of how easy it was for them (not that I'd ever wish for anyone to struggle), I'm jealous that they got to have sex and make a baby while I'm at the clinic way too often, being poked and prodded, vag cam'd and needle jabbed, all in a desperate hope that one day (soon!) it will be our turn.  When will it be our turn?  Will it ever be our turn??  Why is this so hard???

And a quick update on me.  At monitoring this morning, follie check showed 20, 3 x 19s, 18.  I was really hoping for only 3-4 but the RE assured me she was confident moving forward with this.  I did ask her straight up if she was concerned with that many and she said she was confident to move forward.  She then told me (again) that not all follies will contain eggs, not all will be mature, even less are likely to fertilize and even less to implant.  It makes sense when she says it, it's just a little different than some of the things I hear/read online from other ladies.  I'm all triggered up and done with injects this cycle, woo hoo - mini victory!  We will do IUIs tomorrow and Friday, and then I'll start the baby aspirin and then back to waiting.  And praying, lots of praying.