Fuck This, Fuck That

This pretty much sums up how I feel about today.  I POAS this morning and there it was, the stick with one, single, solitary line staring back at me, mocking me.  I told H I think those tests don't really turn positive, he concurred they must be defective.  The sad part is I know they're not, but it sure does make me feel defective.  Why won't my body cooperate?  Why won't this work?  We have awesome cycles on paper - lots of follies, tons of sperm, everything goes just perfect - except the end.  And I hate not knowing what exactly isn't working.  Is it the creating of an embryo we struggle with?  Can we get an embryo but it can't seem to implant?  I hate not knowing what is going on, but more than that I hate feeling like my body is betraying me, failing me.  This is what it is designed to do!  This is one of nature's miracles.  This is something I have dreamed about and wanted my entire life - to be pregnant and to then to meet our baby.  That dream feels so far away right now.  I can't help but think of Einstein's quote, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  That's often how this feels.

When I was a kid (and still to this day), I had really terrible motion sickness.  When we'd go to an amusement park, my mom and brother would go on all the big rides and roller coasters.  I didn't particularly like those rides, especially roller coasters.  One of my biggest fears was being on one and half way through feeling sick and not being able to get off the ride - it's the not being able to stop it part that created a lot of anxiety for me.  Right now, I feel like I'm trapped on this IF roller coaster from hell and all I want to do is get off, get my feet planted firmly back on solid ground, and feel like everything is ok again.  But getting off the IF ride right now would mean no baby, and that's not an option, so now I must prepare myself to go round and round again, for the 22nd time.

Today means that we officially will not get our Christmas miracle.  It means we will not be holding our baby in our arms in 2014.  It means that the earliest we could meet our baby is 2015, which right now, feels like a lifetime away, especially when I think that we started trying in 2012.  Why is this so easy for some people, and so unbelievably difficult for others?  Why does this have to be so hard?