Weekend Update

That's what I think of my weekend.  Friday was really hard for me, I was happy and sad and on the verge of tears quite frequently.  We drove up to my ILs place where we were also meeting up with BIL & SIL.  We were spending the night there before all heading to a cottage wedding on Sat.  In the car on the way up, I was thinking about talking to SIL and filling her in on what's going on.  We spoke during cycle 10 so she knows we've been trying for over a year now and I thought it would be nice to share this with someone.  She and I get along so well, she's absolutely amazing, I love her like the sister I never had.  We all got up there late evening and were hanging out as usual.  I made a wine spritzer for myself and offered her one, she said no and I immediately had a sinking feeling she was KU.  When we spoke a few months ago, I knew they were thinking about TFAS in the very near future.  The ladies got to talking about the wedding the next day and who would be DD - she volunteered....for the next 9 months.  I hugged her and told her how happy I was for her and then chugged my wine back, waited for the first moment to excuse myself that wasn't totally obvious, and went downstairs to our room and lost it, I just started bawling.  I pulled myself back together, rejoined the party and did my best to put on a happy face.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't even look at H because he knew, and I couldn't hold it together seeing him look at me like he knows my heart is breaking.  We turned in and H just let me cry and wish it was that easy for us.  I was/am so jealous, I just want to know what it feels like to see two lines, to not have to deal with 12 cycles of BFNs, to not be meeting a fertility doctor - it was a serious woe is me moment.  I just want to be happy for them without this horrible jealousy/sadness/envy/guilt feeling.

SIL was totally amazing, and understanding.  H filled her in on our doctor's appt, so she's up to speed and was so sweet and supportive.  I just kept saying I want her to know how happy we are for her and she was so understanding of the mess of emotions I was feeling.  It really made a huge difference, but I still felt like a crappy friend and SIL, I just couldn't separate the happy feeling from the rest.  I love being and aunt, and I am ecstatic to have another niece or nephew on the way, and that's where I'll end - on a positive note :)