Mercy

Ok, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  I can literally feel myself stressing out and I just want to yell.  I mentioned briefly in the Thanksgiving post that things are still all kinds of awkward with my parents.  I was actually wanting to talk to my parents, separately, to see what is going on.  This limbo is so hard, it's draining, it's emotional, and it's a big secret to everyone except immediate family, you guys, and a few awesome friends that let me vent to them - you know who you are.

My mom just called to tell me that my dad is back in the hospital.  She was at work this morning, she has a part time job in the mornings, and he called and asked her to come home.  She said she was almost done work and he insisted she come home now, it was an emergency.  She asked if it was our family dog (who is getting very old, we're all worried it could really be any time for her) and he said no, it was for him.  He had another attack of pancreatitis this morning.  She said she has never, in 40 years, seen him like that.  He was shades of grey and vomiting and in a great deal of pain.  We are a family very familiar with pain, so our go to question is the pain scale, 1-10.  He said it was a 10.  He has NEVER said it was a 10, never.  Even through 10+ hip surgeries, cancer, chemo, radiation, surgery, etc, he has never said 10.  It kills me because I know he must have been in an excruciating amount of pain to say that.  My mom did what she had to do (i.e. turn on the water works) to get him a bed at the hospital (unlike last time) and he's been given something for the pain and is currently asleep.  They're doing b/w and will need to do a scan afterwards.

Funny enough (in a not really funny kind of way), he has an appt next week with the surgeon so they could discuss whether or not to remove the gallbladder.  And because this is my father we're talking about, it couldn't be the simple laparoscopic surgery anybody else would have, no of course not, that would be too easy.  Instead, because of the surgery from when he had cancer (he has a colostomy bag) they would need to basically cut him wide open.  That means a more intense surgery, I'm guessing increased risks, longer recovery.  But this doesn't surprise us, we go through this every time.  We never get the easy way out, we never get the 'best case scenario', everything for us has to be the hardest way possible.  I am so fucking mad right now and I'm fighting back tears because I feel totally helpless.  As if IF isn't enough for my plate right now, I have my parents marriage hanging in limbo, my father's health concerns, enough already!  Did you ever play that Mercy game as a kid?  Where you interlock your hands/fingers with someone else and then bend them back until the other person says "mercy"?  (It sounds way more horrible describing it now).  In my Mercy fight with the universe, I give, MERCY!!