And the week just keeps getting worse...

I am still trying to digest and process the last 24 hours, so this post may be a little scattered.  H & I text-talked all day yesterday, I knew he wasn't keen on the IUI plan but after a good heart to heart last night, he agreed to move forward with it.  He also identified the biggest point of contention for us: to him, it was "what's one more month" whereas to me, it's ONE MORE MONTH!  I totally understood where he was coming from but explained I really needed to do this, to have a shot.  He agreed, and felt bad about the timing of this business trip in the midst of all of this, but what can you do?  So we got up this morning to head to he RE together, he was a little nervous, and I was just feeling very anxious about everything - the cycle, the last minute changes, his leaving.

When we got there, they took me back for my third date with the dildo cam this week (yay me).  Then I grabbed H and we waited for the doctor.  It was Dr. C today who came in and said there's been no changes since yesterday, and I have only had 2 follies grow by 1mm each since Tues.  Slackers.  This cycle is looking very similar to cycle 1.  The only hope (of which I am not clinging to) is that I O late, after H gets back next week (he's home next Thurs) so there's a chance, but nothing else has worked out as I had hoped, why would this? They basically said that my cycle has fizzled out (although I think another "F" word would be more appropriate - even Dr. C said that!) and it's not worth the expense for us to go ahead with the spermsicle/IUI route.  I asked if there was any way to salvage this cycle and she basically said no, just to call when AF arrives.

I am still digesting everything that just happened in the last 24 hours.  I am feeling a little numb if I'm being completely honest.  I am angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/insert every other emotion possible!  I am really upset that this cycle is basically a wash (unless I miraculously O after H gets back), I am really sad heading into the holidays that we don't even have a shot, there is no glimmer of hope for a Christmas miracle (however slim it may have been).  This is our last cycle of the year.  All of these things are making it extra hard to take that this cycle is just a dud.

Between my family drama (which is ongoing and shitty trying to figure out the holidays) this crappy cycle and all my pregnant SILs, as much as I love Christmas and am usually such a Christmas person, I don't really want to do any of it right now.  What a shittastic week.