Fert report is in

And it is not what we were hoping for.  I was so anxious about that call today, I have been praying non stop that those 7 eggs would be mature and fertilize well.  I don't know that I've ever prayed so hard for anything before.  I called the clinic around 10:30am and talked to one of the nurses.  As per almost every phone call we have with results, she starts with, "Well, it's not as good as we were hoping for.  We have 3 mature embryos that fertilized and are doing well today."  I'm sorry, did she just say THREE??  11 mature + 3 maybe follies, 7 eggs, we used ICSI, and only 3 are left today?!  Wow, this was totally not what we were expecting or hoping for.  I called H afterwards and he is beyond disappointed, upset and angry.  It all just feels so unfair.  When will we catch a break?  It seems our news is always "not as good as we were hoping".  I really, sincerely believed, as did our doctors, that I would be a great IVF patient and we'd get plenty of eggs and embies.

I had a serious cry fest while chatting with a couple of amazing friends who tried to help me deal with the news.  Thank you for that, ladies <3   I've been texting with H on and off all day, I know he's really disappointed, I think yesterday was hard for him.  He has a hard time watching me go through all this, we just really wanted it to be more than worth it, ya know?  We really wanted that Plan B, that we would have frosties for a FET if we got there, or for a second child.  This isn't to say we're giving up on this cycle, I am still praying with all I have for my 3 embabies, praying that they make it to Sunday's transfer, praying that at least one will result in our baby.  But we need to go through the emotions, we need to let ourselves feel what we're feeling right now - today, we're allowed to be sad and mad and disappointed.  And by Sunday, we will get our game face back on and try to pour as much love and positivity into this cycle as we can.  I want to give my embabies the very best shot I can, they deserve that.  And I know that it's so important to be in a good head space.  But I also know I need to allow myself to feel the range of emotions that comes along with this journey.  Stifling them or pretending they're not there is not going to do me, H or our embabies any good. So for today I am sad, and I can't wait until the work day is over and H gets home.  I can't wait for him to come home and wrap his arms around me.  Everything feels a little better, a little easier to deal with when he's here.

Dear embabies.

If you only knew how very loved you already are, the dreams and the hopes that I have for you.  Please keep growing strong, please make it to our reunion on Sunday.  I want to have you back with me, I want to be your mom.  I promise to do everything in my power to protect you, to help you grow big and strong in the hopes that one day we'll get to meet face to face.  I have never wanted anything more in my life, nor have I ever loved someone so much, especially someone I have yet to meet.  I pray with all that I am, with all that I have, that you and I will get that chance.  I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, watch you grow and to love you for a lifetime.

Love,

Your very hopeful mom-to-be