I Will Wait No More!

Two years of trying to conceive.  

22 Failed cycles.  

3 failed Femara cycles, 4 failed IUIs.  

Over $25,000 later.

But today, at 10dp3dt for IVF#1, this happened:

You would think that after two years of imagining writing this I would have a clue of what I would say, but it's still sinking in.  Holy fucking shit.

I decided to test out my trigger, the one time I did it before I managed to not let the crazy take over, so I foolishly assumed I could do the same this time.  Although warned by many, I have to say this IVF cycle has been so much harder than any other, you feel so invested and the stakes just feel so very high.  I tried to be lax about testing, not getting too wrapped up with it, just slowly but surely waiting for that line to disappear.  When I look at the dry tests afterwards, it looks like it was gone by about 7dp3dt but on that day, I thought I saw a shadow of a line but as I said, I wasn't crazy about it yet, so I may have looked at it outside the time frame, saw a shadow and thought no more of it.

Even though I saw a line at 8dp3dt, I wasn't convinced it wasn't still my trigger so I really didn't read much more into it than that.  A few friends said it looked promising, but I was not about to get my hopes up when it could still be trigger.  Then yesterday, 14 days past trigger, I tested again, because I couldn't seem to put the sticks down, and the line was even darker than the day before.  Wait, what?  Really?  Insert all of the reasons why I shouldn't believe it or trust it just yet.  But it was there, and a squinter it was not.

I was still very cautious, but started being hopeful that this might really be it.  It was 14 days past trigger yesterday, the odds of the trigger still being there, and still giving me a line that dark, seemed possible but not probable.  H & I were going with guarded optimism, we have been hurt too many times before, there's an instinct to protect your heart, which is what we were trying to do.  I went out and stocked up on more FRERs (and they were on sale, woo hoo!) since I knew I needed to pee on all the things!  We went to bed and said a prayer that our embaby(ies) are growing strong.

I woke up around 6:30am panic stricken and afraid to get up and test.  All of the worst possible things went through my head.  What if the line is gone?  What if it was just the trigger all along?  What if, what if, what if? I spent an hour lying there, praying that God gives us this chance, right now, to be parents.  I had a pep talk with my embaby(ies) and finally got up the nerve to go and test.  I dipped, set the timer, and looked away.  I couldn't bear to watch only a single line appear.  Around the 2 minute mark I got up the nerve and looked, and holy shit, there was another line!  And not a faint, squinter of a line, a real, honest to goodness line staring back at me!  I just stood there, frozen, holding the test, hands shaking, trying to let my brain catch up with what my eyes were seeing.  

I opened the door to our bedroom, H was just starting to wake up.  The light was off, but I had left the hallway light on, so there was a little light filtering into the room.  I hopped on the bed and showed him the test.  And even in his groggy state, eyes barely open, very little light, he absolutely, without a doubt, saw two lines.  He wasn't even sure which was the control!  We laid in bed for a while cuddling, just saying, "holy shit, that's a real line!"  I told him it all felt so surreal.  Like for years, people had been telling me about this amazing unicorn that existed, and while I believed it for a while, the two year battle with TTC made it harder and harder to believe it was real, or that I would ever get to see it.  But today, today it felt like I got to see that elusive, magical unicorn everyone has been telling me about!  I shed a few tears of disbelief, we had a good cuddle, H is so excited and is about ready to believe it after today's test.  We are both anxious for beta, which I called yesterday to ask about moving up.  I called my nurse and begged and pleaded like a crazy person!  She said it's still early and said I should try to "keep distracted" (lol, yeah, ok!) but if I couldn't make it to Friday, I can come Thursday.  That was enough for me!  Thursday it is!  I'm praying for a great beta tomorrow, but at least for today, I feel more confident, and when I start to think, "is this for real?" I just keep staring at this beautiful test.  It is starting to sink in: this might really be it for us.  We are praying this is the first step of a long and amazing new journey for us.  I think I might get to wish H the first of hopefully many, Happy Father's Days this weekend :)  Oh, and according to this site, my EDD is February 18.

I know I said a thank you in my recent blogiversary post, but I honestly want to hug each and everyone of you that has been here along with me, who has offered their support, love, hugs and commiseration, encouragement and advice.  I can't even imagine how much more difficult and lonely this journey would have been without you all.  I am humbled and touched by the love and support I have received.  From the very bottom of my heart, thank you, and know that I am praying for each and every one of you, that we all get our happy endings <3

And just because the novelty has nowhere near worn off, my two tests from this morning, because clearly one was not enough :)

*I can't even tell you how long I stared at this post before I could hit "Publish", it's so hard to believe this could really be it for us!  Mumford, I love you, but I Will Wait no more!!!

Impatiently waiting...

Beta is T-one week.  And I swear, time is pretty much standing still.  Maybe even moving backwards at points just to torture me.  My friends, they warned me about this 2ww.  And not that I didn't believe them, but they were not kidding or understating.  This is the hardest 2ww in 23 cycles.  I just want to know, and I want to know now, damnit!

Yes, I am completely aware of how childish that sounds, but it's kind of how I feel right now.  And I know there's no fast forward button and we'll be waiting until next Friday regardless, but it feels good to let it out!

In the meantime, I like to imagine what's happening to my blastobabies in there, not that they'll be blastobabies for much longer, I pray!  According to my nifty chart over here, they are hopefully working towards implantation.  Snuggle in, little embabies, snuggle in tight!

Yup, see how boring my updates are when all I have to do it wait?  No charts to ninja or follies to count, just lots and lots of praying.

Hail Mary Cycle

I'm officially in the 2ww for our natural cycle (#22) before we move on to IVF.  We had decent timing and I O'd nice and early (woo hoo!) so I'm pretty happy with that, but still not holding my breath.  It was amazing to, I don't know, have sex to try to get pregnant!  LOL, what a novel idea!  So yeah, 4dpo now and just riding it out, praying but glad we have a plan B lined up.  Also, wtf is up with the spotting the last two days??  I am a spotter, but usually not until the tail end of my LP, I don't think I've ever spotted at 3 & 4dpo.  Just one more thing that makes your brain go, "hmmm...could that be a sign??"  Sigh, IF brain you're exhausting.

So since we're moving on to IVF and I have the endo biopsy scheduled for next Tues, and I know I'll want to take ER and ET days off, I figured it was a good idea to clue my business partner in.  I figured she'd be a lot more understanding if she knew what was going on, especially if I needed any more flexibility with work.  It went really well, she was very cool about things and fortunately the phone then started ringing so we didn't get into a long drawn out conversation about it, but she's in the loop and I feel better about that.

I also talked to my mom and filled her in on our plan to move onto IVF next cycle.  Knock on wood, things with the parental unit have become a bit less dramatic these days.  This is not to say things are fixed or all better, it just doesn't feel so all-consuming and overwhelming for me, which I am so grateful for.  I told her that I'm happy things are going well and I really hope that continues.  I also told her nicely that I may need to be a little selfish with this upcoming cycle, I really can't handle any more drama, I really just need to focus on us.  She couldn't have been more understanding and supportive and assured me she would do everything possible to ensure they don't add to my stress.  It felt good to say that, and a bit easier since things are going better with them now.  I love my family and they are a huge priority in my life, but right now, if we're going to spend $10-12K on this next cycle, I need to be able to focus on us, and she totally understood.  Cue my relief.

So we're all set!  We're praying for our miracle BFP while preparing for IVF.

I just love this <3