I Will Wait No More!

Two years of trying to conceive.  

22 Failed cycles.  

3 failed Femara cycles, 4 failed IUIs.  

Over $25,000 later.

But today, at 10dp3dt for IVF#1, this happened:

You would think that after two years of imagining writing this I would have a clue of what I would say, but it's still sinking in.  Holy fucking shit.

I decided to test out my trigger, the one time I did it before I managed to not let the crazy take over, so I foolishly assumed I could do the same this time.  Although warned by many, I have to say this IVF cycle has been so much harder than any other, you feel so invested and the stakes just feel so very high.  I tried to be lax about testing, not getting too wrapped up with it, just slowly but surely waiting for that line to disappear.  When I look at the dry tests afterwards, it looks like it was gone by about 7dp3dt but on that day, I thought I saw a shadow of a line but as I said, I wasn't crazy about it yet, so I may have looked at it outside the time frame, saw a shadow and thought no more of it.

Even though I saw a line at 8dp3dt, I wasn't convinced it wasn't still my trigger so I really didn't read much more into it than that.  A few friends said it looked promising, but I was not about to get my hopes up when it could still be trigger.  Then yesterday, 14 days past trigger, I tested again, because I couldn't seem to put the sticks down, and the line was even darker than the day before.  Wait, what?  Really?  Insert all of the reasons why I shouldn't believe it or trust it just yet.  But it was there, and a squinter it was not.

I was still very cautious, but started being hopeful that this might really be it.  It was 14 days past trigger yesterday, the odds of the trigger still being there, and still giving me a line that dark, seemed possible but not probable.  H & I were going with guarded optimism, we have been hurt too many times before, there's an instinct to protect your heart, which is what we were trying to do.  I went out and stocked up on more FRERs (and they were on sale, woo hoo!) since I knew I needed to pee on all the things!  We went to bed and said a prayer that our embaby(ies) are growing strong.

I woke up around 6:30am panic stricken and afraid to get up and test.  All of the worst possible things went through my head.  What if the line is gone?  What if it was just the trigger all along?  What if, what if, what if? I spent an hour lying there, praying that God gives us this chance, right now, to be parents.  I had a pep talk with my embaby(ies) and finally got up the nerve to go and test.  I dipped, set the timer, and looked away.  I couldn't bear to watch only a single line appear.  Around the 2 minute mark I got up the nerve and looked, and holy shit, there was another line!  And not a faint, squinter of a line, a real, honest to goodness line staring back at me!  I just stood there, frozen, holding the test, hands shaking, trying to let my brain catch up with what my eyes were seeing.  

I opened the door to our bedroom, H was just starting to wake up.  The light was off, but I had left the hallway light on, so there was a little light filtering into the room.  I hopped on the bed and showed him the test.  And even in his groggy state, eyes barely open, very little light, he absolutely, without a doubt, saw two lines.  He wasn't even sure which was the control!  We laid in bed for a while cuddling, just saying, "holy shit, that's a real line!"  I told him it all felt so surreal.  Like for years, people had been telling me about this amazing unicorn that existed, and while I believed it for a while, the two year battle with TTC made it harder and harder to believe it was real, or that I would ever get to see it.  But today, today it felt like I got to see that elusive, magical unicorn everyone has been telling me about!  I shed a few tears of disbelief, we had a good cuddle, H is so excited and is about ready to believe it after today's test.  We are both anxious for beta, which I called yesterday to ask about moving up.  I called my nurse and begged and pleaded like a crazy person!  She said it's still early and said I should try to "keep distracted" (lol, yeah, ok!) but if I couldn't make it to Friday, I can come Thursday.  That was enough for me!  Thursday it is!  I'm praying for a great beta tomorrow, but at least for today, I feel more confident, and when I start to think, "is this for real?" I just keep staring at this beautiful test.  It is starting to sink in: this might really be it for us.  We are praying this is the first step of a long and amazing new journey for us.  I think I might get to wish H the first of hopefully many, Happy Father's Days this weekend :)  Oh, and according to this site, my EDD is February 18.

I know I said a thank you in my recent blogiversary post, but I honestly want to hug each and everyone of you that has been here along with me, who has offered their support, love, hugs and commiseration, encouragement and advice.  I can't even imagine how much more difficult and lonely this journey would have been without you all.  I am humbled and touched by the love and support I have received.  From the very bottom of my heart, thank you, and know that I am praying for each and every one of you, that we all get our happy endings <3

And just because the novelty has nowhere near worn off, my two tests from this morning, because clearly one was not enough :)

*I can't even tell you how long I stared at this post before I could hit "Publish", it's so hard to believe this could really be it for us!  Mumford, I love you, but I Will Wait no more!!!

Holy shit, it's go time!

I went in for monitoring again this morning.  I was feeling pretty up beat and had some good laughs with my nurses - they are so awesome.  I got vag cam'd first, then sent for b/w, so by the time I got to the exam room, Dr. C was already there with my chart.  She said everything looks awesome and we're ready!!  She read me my follie count, but of course I knew I wouldn't remember and all I could think was, "Damnit, I wanted to ninja my chart before she came in!"  She told me I am triggering tonight, ER on Thurs!  We talked about how that would go, and I asked if Dr. R was around.  She tells me he's on vacation for 3 weeks!  Um, he told H & I that he would be the one to do our ER, so I'm slightly annoyed that's not the case, but I can't stress about it.  She actually said she does most of their IVF procedures, so I guess maybe it's better to have someone well practiced??  That's what I'm going with anyways.  So we talked about Thurs a little and then she said my favourite nurse would be in to go over details with me.  As she was walking out, I asked to see my chart and I totally pulled out my phone and said I wanted to take a picture because I would never remember it all.  She got a kick out of my ninja styles, as did the other nurse who came over midway through!  But I wanted to know my exact numbers, so they can chuckle at me if they want, I need my chart stalk!  For my efforts:

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.  She counted 11 mature and another 3 that might be ready by ER.  I got a list of instructions and when to take which drugs and then when to not, then when to restart - it was a little much, but I think I got it.  Or I'll call to clarify later, whatever ;)  I printed out a calendar and started adding everything to it so I can keep it straight.  And yes, it's colour coded :)

The plan is to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.  I've always used Ovidrel but today I will be triggering with HCG.  The nurse showed me how to mix them, first time for that.  But thankfully I have blog stalked and Dreamed with enough awesome ladies that I knew the mixing needle was NOT the stabbing needle, whew!  We went over it a couple times and I think I'm good with it.  Then tomorrow I start some antibiotics so as not to have any issues from the ER.  I am also going to be taking Dostinex again, which I took after IUI#3 and 4, it should help ward off OHSS, plus all the Powerade I'm supposed to drink, so hopefully that won't be an issue.  Then ER is Thurs at 9:30am, we need to be there for 8:30am with a novel sized stack of consent forms.  I'm a little nervous because we have to go to their downtown location, which I've never been to, and right between me and it, there is a shit load of construction on the roads.  Awesome.  So we'll leave nice and early with plenty of time.  Then we'll be doing ICSI and a 3dt, I can call on Friday to get my fert report, then ET will be Sunday morning.  I am super happy I will only need 1 day off work, and really happy we can battle Sun traffic and not Mon traffic to get there then.  Beta day is set for June 16, which is the Monday after Father's Day.  I am not saying anymore than that, because none of the other signs in the last 2 years have meant jack shit and I'm not taking any chances by jinxing it.

So here we are, already at trigger time!!  I'm anxiously excited.  I am glad I kept my therapy appt for tonight, I could use another session to talk about ways to help me chill out!  Ahhhhh, I can't believe we're really here!  In less than a week I will be PUPO, and hopefully we'll be able to drop the UPO part ;)