I Will Wait No More!

Two years of trying to conceive.  

22 Failed cycles.  

3 failed Femara cycles, 4 failed IUIs.  

Over $25,000 later.

But today, at 10dp3dt for IVF#1, this happened:

You would think that after two years of imagining writing this I would have a clue of what I would say, but it's still sinking in.  Holy fucking shit.

I decided to test out my trigger, the one time I did it before I managed to not let the crazy take over, so I foolishly assumed I could do the same this time.  Although warned by many, I have to say this IVF cycle has been so much harder than any other, you feel so invested and the stakes just feel so very high.  I tried to be lax about testing, not getting too wrapped up with it, just slowly but surely waiting for that line to disappear.  When I look at the dry tests afterwards, it looks like it was gone by about 7dp3dt but on that day, I thought I saw a shadow of a line but as I said, I wasn't crazy about it yet, so I may have looked at it outside the time frame, saw a shadow and thought no more of it.

Even though I saw a line at 8dp3dt, I wasn't convinced it wasn't still my trigger so I really didn't read much more into it than that.  A few friends said it looked promising, but I was not about to get my hopes up when it could still be trigger.  Then yesterday, 14 days past trigger, I tested again, because I couldn't seem to put the sticks down, and the line was even darker than the day before.  Wait, what?  Really?  Insert all of the reasons why I shouldn't believe it or trust it just yet.  But it was there, and a squinter it was not.

I was still very cautious, but started being hopeful that this might really be it.  It was 14 days past trigger yesterday, the odds of the trigger still being there, and still giving me a line that dark, seemed possible but not probable.  H & I were going with guarded optimism, we have been hurt too many times before, there's an instinct to protect your heart, which is what we were trying to do.  I went out and stocked up on more FRERs (and they were on sale, woo hoo!) since I knew I needed to pee on all the things!  We went to bed and said a prayer that our embaby(ies) are growing strong.

I woke up around 6:30am panic stricken and afraid to get up and test.  All of the worst possible things went through my head.  What if the line is gone?  What if it was just the trigger all along?  What if, what if, what if? I spent an hour lying there, praying that God gives us this chance, right now, to be parents.  I had a pep talk with my embaby(ies) and finally got up the nerve to go and test.  I dipped, set the timer, and looked away.  I couldn't bear to watch only a single line appear.  Around the 2 minute mark I got up the nerve and looked, and holy shit, there was another line!  And not a faint, squinter of a line, a real, honest to goodness line staring back at me!  I just stood there, frozen, holding the test, hands shaking, trying to let my brain catch up with what my eyes were seeing.  

I opened the door to our bedroom, H was just starting to wake up.  The light was off, but I had left the hallway light on, so there was a little light filtering into the room.  I hopped on the bed and showed him the test.  And even in his groggy state, eyes barely open, very little light, he absolutely, without a doubt, saw two lines.  He wasn't even sure which was the control!  We laid in bed for a while cuddling, just saying, "holy shit, that's a real line!"  I told him it all felt so surreal.  Like for years, people had been telling me about this amazing unicorn that existed, and while I believed it for a while, the two year battle with TTC made it harder and harder to believe it was real, or that I would ever get to see it.  But today, today it felt like I got to see that elusive, magical unicorn everyone has been telling me about!  I shed a few tears of disbelief, we had a good cuddle, H is so excited and is about ready to believe it after today's test.  We are both anxious for beta, which I called yesterday to ask about moving up.  I called my nurse and begged and pleaded like a crazy person!  She said it's still early and said I should try to "keep distracted" (lol, yeah, ok!) but if I couldn't make it to Friday, I can come Thursday.  That was enough for me!  Thursday it is!  I'm praying for a great beta tomorrow, but at least for today, I feel more confident, and when I start to think, "is this for real?" I just keep staring at this beautiful test.  It is starting to sink in: this might really be it for us.  We are praying this is the first step of a long and amazing new journey for us.  I think I might get to wish H the first of hopefully many, Happy Father's Days this weekend :)  Oh, and according to this site, my EDD is February 18.

I know I said a thank you in my recent blogiversary post, but I honestly want to hug each and everyone of you that has been here along with me, who has offered their support, love, hugs and commiseration, encouragement and advice.  I can't even imagine how much more difficult and lonely this journey would have been without you all.  I am humbled and touched by the love and support I have received.  From the very bottom of my heart, thank you, and know that I am praying for each and every one of you, that we all get our happy endings <3

And just because the novelty has nowhere near worn off, my two tests from this morning, because clearly one was not enough :)

*I can't even tell you how long I stared at this post before I could hit "Publish", it's so hard to believe this could really be it for us!  Mumford, I love you, but I Will Wait no more!!!

Twice in one week??

We got good news twice in one week, what?!?!  That doesn't happen very often for us, I'm in a little bit of disbelief right now.  The nurse called from my clinic - thank you for calling me as soon as you got my report! - and gave us good news!  WE HAVE A FROSTIE!!!!!!!  ::cue ridiculous grin and happy dance::

Holy shit, I just can't believe it.  I am so freaking happy right now, it is truly an amazing feeling, especially since it is so rare with our IF journey.  We have a frostie, SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted, I was so worried about not having a plan b (I've been doing this long enough that I always want a plan b in the wings, ready to go) but now, we have that option.  We could do a FET if we needed to.  I pray with every fibre of my being that we don't need to use it any time soon, but the relief of knowing we can is so good for my mental well being.  It feels like a tiny ounce of pressure has been lifted off this cycle, not having all our eggs (or embryos!) in one basket.  And I know no one knows what is happening with the two we transferred, but this gives me so much hope for them.  We transferred our best two, so if #3 made it to day 6 and good enough to freeze, I can't help but feel extra hopeful about the quality of the ones we did transfer.  I feel like I can breathe a little easier, and it sure is helping me to stay in a good head space.  I know I just started in the 2ww, and I will not doubt ride the IF emotional roller coaster along the way, but for the first time in a long time, I am happy, and hopeful, excited and optimistic.

Random funny story: before bed last night, I told H to keep his fingers crossed for our embie #3 and hope we get good news today.  He says, "I'm crossing my fingers so hard for good news for our blastobaby".  Just one of many reasons I love this man!  Blastobaby, haha, I love it!

To have a frostie, or not to have a frostie, that is the question

I have been anxious since I woke up, waiting for 10am so I could call the clinic to see how embryo #3 is doing and find out if we will get to freeze.  At 10am they said they didn't know yet, try back again after noon.  Fine, I suppose I can distract myself for another 2 hours.  I call at noon, they still don't know.  WTF guys, seriously?!  I was told we would know Tues, and reports are usual at the clinic by 11am.  Do you have any idea how difficult every minute can be when you are waiting on this news??  Clearly not.  I called again at 2pm and was told that my nurse finally spoke to a lab person, they were in a meeting apparently (Grrrrrrr!) but they'll fax my info over right away.  I asked the nurse to call me as soon as she got it, this waiting is killing me!  So I just got the call and my heart stopped - please let it be good news!  The nurse says, "No news is good news" and I think what the hell, did you not get a report from the lab?  Apparently there isn't much of an update today, they are going to let embie #3 keep marinating until tomorrow, at which point we should know if it's survived and we can freeze.  Two opposing emotions:  Hooray!!!!!!!  This is a victory, we still have a third embryo, we still have the possibility to freeze, it's still growing!!!  and WTF people, I have to do this for another 24 hrs?!?  Do you guys not realize this waiting is so very difficult?  And if there wasn't much news, why on earth did you make me wait all day, staring at the clock??  Not cool.  But anyways, I am choosing to focus less on my annoyance and all on my third embaby, who is hopefully still working on dividing into the right number of cells and growing strong.  We still have a chance here.

I did a little googling to see what our embabies are, or should be, up to:

I also found this nifty chart - I do so love my lists and charts!  It's interesting to see how things should be progressing.

I can't understand how this chart says at 11dp3dt you should be able to detect pregnant, but my clinic has my beta set for June 16, which is 16dp3dt!!  I have P4 b/w on Thurs, I'm going to ask about those dates.  Everyone I talk to says it is usually 2 weeks after ER, not ET.  Do not make me wait any longer than I have to, please!  So today, I am praying for my 3rd embaby still at the lab, and praying that the two currently living in my ute are working on becoming blastocysts.  Come on embabies, grow/stick!!!

You ladies weren't joking, I think this will be the longest two weeks of my life.  

PUPO!!

What a stressful few days that was.  I was shocked when we got our fert report on Friday, and my mind started racing and going to all the worst places, mostly being concerned with my eggs.  I couldn't understand how we got so few eggs, and so few that fertilized, especially using ICSI.  We let ourselves be sad and disappointed and angry on Friday, then we got up on Saturday and tried to get into a better head space.  I think we were both staying guarded, we were so worried there was more bad news in store for us, it just kind of feels like par for the course these days.  I tried to keep busy on Sat, my mom and I went for pedicures and then out for lunch.  We watched a movie and just hung out for most of the afternoon - it helped to try and stay distracted, although it was never long before my mind went right back to the what if's for transfer day.

On Sunday morning we gave ourselves lots of time to get downtown to the clinic.  Of course the highway was closed for a bike marathon, cause why wouldn't it be on the one important day I need to get downtown?  But we made it with plenty of time, which was good since the building appeared to be locked, cue moment of WTF??  Another lady came and buzzed in, so we followed her in.  Crisis averted!  We then headed upstairs to check in and stuff and then I guzzled back some Powerade - have I mentioned how much I detest the appts where you need a full bladder??  That's just not fun for anyone, namely me.  Our doctor was about 15mins late, no biggie, it's not like we were there on pins and needles, eager for an update, hungry for some information - you just take your time.  (She was not in my good books at this point).  She finally arrived and we were ready to go!

They took me into another procedure room and got me up on the table.  H came in and sat next to me, then Dr. C finally, after what felt like an eternity, gave us some info.  We have three, beautiful 8-cell embryos, one grade 1, two grade 2's.  Huge sigh of relief!  H said you could literally see my face change from sheer panic and nerves to elation.  Did she really just say that??  That was literally, at that point, the best possible news we could have received.  She also explained that during ER, a lot of my bigger follies were actually empty and contained no eggs, then we got a handful of immature ones, a post mature one and a few good ones.  She said it was quite a mixed bag and was actually indicative of PCOS - no one has ever mentioned this to me before, and when I google, I don't think I have many of the typical symptoms, but interesting to hear some more info at least.  We also learned that while they got 7 eggs, they only fertilized 3 because the other 4 were immature.  So of 3 fertilized, all 3 had made it to day 3, 8 cell embies, which makes me feel much better than only having 3 of 7 work.  It kind of made me think that maybe not all my eggs are good, but that when they find the good ones, we can actually make good embryos, or at least that's how I'm interpreting it right now.

We decided to transfer the best two and let #3 continue to develop into blasocyst at which point, if all looks good, we'll freeze - I'll find out tomorrow about this (fingers crossed!).  Then it was go time!  We watched the tv screen from the lab.  They showed my name - yup, definitely my embies, and zoomed right in so we could see them while the doctor remarked how beautiful they looked.  Then we saw them get sucked up the catheter, at which point I laughed and was told not to do that, haha, and the embryologist passed the catheter through the window in the wall to Dr. C.  We got to watch the u/s machine while they put my embies in.  It was honestly a pretty amazing moment.

That's them, those are my embabies!!  I am so incredibly grateful for them and grateful for this opportunity.  I pray that this is the first of many incredibly ultrasounds, I pray that at least one sticks around for the long haul.  And now, the dreaded 2ww....this should be fun ;)