Telling our parents

I know some people would think we're crazy but hear me out.  First, I will reiterate again that we are incredibly close to our families.  They have been a huge support to us going through IF.  They didn't always know the particulars, but they were always there, sending love and prayers, trying not to pry but always wondering how we're doing.  We gave them updates along the way, my mom a little more so because we're so close.  She knew when another cycle was a bust and shared in that heartache, as much as she could.  We did share when we moved on to IVF and they were incredible throughout it all.  If you'll recall, I mentioned that my MIL even sent me an edible arrangement after ER - I seriously lucked out when it comes to ILs.  Anyways, we were vague with them in regards to beta and when we would find out if the cycle was a success or not, we wanted to make sure we had time for us to digest the news, whichever way it went.  So while we were vague and always said, "In a couple weeks" or "at least another week before we'll know" they knew approximately when we would find out.  And we knew they were pretty much waiting on pins and needles with us.  I also knew that there was no way I would be able to talk to my mom much, let alone see her, without giving it away.  There was no mistaking the huge grin on my face!  We also know there are no guarantees, this is still incredibly early, but if God forbid something does happen, we would share that with them and very much need their love and support.  So, we decided to tell them.

We had my mom over for dinner, very casual, or so she thought.  I got an online deal to order some canvas prints, so I asked her to look through my photo book of pictures from our Rockies trip last year to help me pick out a couple of favourites.  When she got to the page for Morraine Lake (there's a picture of my parents in this exact spot when my mom was 3 months pregnant, see this old post) and I had placed this in there:

She forgot her glasses and I had to kind of prod her along for the last line.  She totally thought it was a voucher and I was going to make her something for the new grandbaby arriving any day now (SIL #2 that is lapping us!).  It took a moment for it to register and then the flood gates open and she just hugged me and bawled.  It was perfect!  She was totally surprised, she also didn't know we would know by then, so I am really happy that even after two years at this and her being in the loop on IF and our IVF cycle, I still got my moment to surprise her.  Later that night, we Skyped H's parents and after they did some nonchalant sailing talk, I told my MIL I was sending her a link for a gift idea for my SIL and wanted her opinion.  So we got to see her face when she opened the email and it was awesome!  We could not have said more times to both of our parents how early this is, how we are staying cautious and a little guarded, but for the moment, we're letting ourselves be happy.  I'm finally pregnant.  My mom made me repeat that sentence a couple of times and just kept crying!  

Our immediate families have been absolutely amazing, and again, they know about our struggles and especially our IVF cycle and have been keeping fingers and toes crossed, praying for us, sending good vibes, etc.  We don't feel the need to keep it a secret from them, so we will likely also tell our siblings soon, as they are getting to the point of figuring we know now whether it worked or not.  And again, I always come back to the fact that these are the people we want to share our good news with, but they are also the people we would share not so good news with (but I pray every day that this isn't the case).  Beyond them, our lips are sealed, mum's the word.  I love that expression so much right now :) 

What a week...

What a week it has been.  If you thought things sucked last time you blog stalked me, let me tell you, never underestimate the ability of the universe to take a serious shit on you.

Last Thursday my life kind of blew up.  Our Hail Mary BFP was too good to be true - not unexpected, but disappointing nonetheless.  So while dealing with another BFN, facing the fact that we're really moving on to IVF, yesterday was our 23 month TTC anniversary, my parents drama explodes to epic proportions.  My dad moved out this weekend. I really can't say more than that right now, I'm still trying to process all of this. I'm devastated; my family, as I know it, is over, I couldn't be more hurt or angry with my dad AND WE'RE STARTING IVF!  Seriously people, you're killing me over here.  I spent the weekend curled up on the couch being a whole other level of sad, I even bailed on my friend's 30th birthday party because I didn't think I could handle going and making small talk and pretending I'm ok when my heart is broken.  It was a shitty weekend, to say the least.  I honestly just keeping asking myself, how is this my life?  It all just feels so surreal, like it's happening to someone else.  This can't really be my life, can it??


IVF#1
Today is CD4 and I went in for baseline monitoring.  Everything went well, boy did I miss the vag cam!  Oh wait, no I didn't.  I saw Dr. C today - I'm fine with her for monitoring but I'm praying that it will be Dr. R that does my ER and ET.  I started on 150 of Puregon and 10 Lupron.  I will go back in for a check on Friday.  She guessed ER will probably be early to mid next week, since I'm an established quick responder.  I am just praying that this will finally be it for us, that we will finally have success and get to hold our baby at the end of this.  Then I paid our massive bill - ouch!  So yeah, it's been an awesomely terrible week to be me, but I am just doing my very best to put it aside so I can focus some positive energy on this cycle and reduce stress anywhere I can.

Must.Stay.Away

From the parental drama.  Today is my parent's wedding anniversary, 38 years today.  It is the first time in my memory that I didn't call my mom and dad all excited today to wish them a happy anniversary, and make sure my dad remembered to buy her a card, maybe take her out for dinner, etc.  This is the first of their anniversaries that I think about them and feel sad, and hurt, and angry, and a little lost.  I have always looked up to them and admired the strength, love, dedication, compromise, respect and so much more than must go into making a marriage last and thrive.  Instead, I called my mom, we got through about 90 seconds of awkward chat, as I wasn't quite prepared to say "Happy anniversary!" but I obviously know it's their anniversary.  Anyways, after 90 seconds my mom was bawling and had to go.  That just rips at my heart.

I know I need distance.  I know I need to stay out of their marital problems.  I know I need to focus on me for right now.  I know all of these things.  But it's so hard to hear her, to know she's so upset and not say, "What's wrong?"  "What happened?"  "Are you ok?"  It kills me to not reach out to her like that.  We both know why, we both agree it's absolutely for the best, but damn it's hard to hang up while my mom, a woman I love so much, is on the other end of the phone crying her eyes out.  And then all of that sadness reminds me of how angry I am with my dad.  I knew today would be hard - for my mom, for them, and for me.  It just sucks.

This is not for me to fix

Hail Mary Cycle

I'm officially in the 2ww for our natural cycle (#22) before we move on to IVF.  We had decent timing and I O'd nice and early (woo hoo!) so I'm pretty happy with that, but still not holding my breath.  It was amazing to, I don't know, have sex to try to get pregnant!  LOL, what a novel idea!  So yeah, 4dpo now and just riding it out, praying but glad we have a plan B lined up.  Also, wtf is up with the spotting the last two days??  I am a spotter, but usually not until the tail end of my LP, I don't think I've ever spotted at 3 & 4dpo.  Just one more thing that makes your brain go, "hmmm...could that be a sign??"  Sigh, IF brain you're exhausting.

So since we're moving on to IVF and I have the endo biopsy scheduled for next Tues, and I know I'll want to take ER and ET days off, I figured it was a good idea to clue my business partner in.  I figured she'd be a lot more understanding if she knew what was going on, especially if I needed any more flexibility with work.  It went really well, she was very cool about things and fortunately the phone then started ringing so we didn't get into a long drawn out conversation about it, but she's in the loop and I feel better about that.

I also talked to my mom and filled her in on our plan to move onto IVF next cycle.  Knock on wood, things with the parental unit have become a bit less dramatic these days.  This is not to say things are fixed or all better, it just doesn't feel so all-consuming and overwhelming for me, which I am so grateful for.  I told her that I'm happy things are going well and I really hope that continues.  I also told her nicely that I may need to be a little selfish with this upcoming cycle, I really can't handle any more drama, I really just need to focus on us.  She couldn't have been more understanding and supportive and assured me she would do everything possible to ensure they don't add to my stress.  It felt good to say that, and a bit easier since things are going better with them now.  I love my family and they are a huge priority in my life, but right now, if we're going to spend $10-12K on this next cycle, I need to be able to focus on us, and she totally understood.  Cue my relief.

So we're all set!  We're praying for our miracle BFP while preparing for IVF.

I just love this <3

Stressed the fuck out

Mom and Dad, I'm talking to you!

Holy fuckballs, what a very shitty week this has been.  I am emotionally exhausted, thank goodness it's Friday at least.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and let me tell you, it is mighty heavy.  This shit with my parents is weighing hugely on me, but I'm trying desperately to stay out of it as best I can.  However, it has directly led to another very serious issue, and that is my mom and how she's handling all of this.  I won't downplay it, she's going through a lot right now, but the way she's choosing to deal with it, and not deal with things, is really not ok.  Even though this is my personal blog and no one IRL knows about it, I'm still hesitant to put it all out there, plus I honestly don't have the energy.  At any rate, I took a very difficult first step and have reached out to a couple of my uncles/aunt and my mom's friends (who I have very good relationships with also) to help.  My brother and I are simply not equipped to help her through this, she needs more than we can give her and pretending like this isn't happening is not helping her, it's only potentially causing more harm.  So I'm hopeful that together we can come up with some ideas on how to help her and selfishly, I'm really glad to be starting to feel like this isn't all on me.  I simply cannot handle anymore, so I asked for help.  It was hard and exhausting asking for it, but as I've told my mom, I think this will all get worse before it gets better, but we need to start making some progress at least.  Ok, that's all I can manage for today.

I think I've posted this before, but I need to remind myself of it right now.

I took another big step this week that was also hard for me.  A couple weeks ago I called our insurance to ask about coverage with a psychologist and did some googling and found someone who's not too far from here.  That email draft has been sitting in my "Drafts" folder since then.  Yesterday I finally hit send.  In my email I asked about her experience or knowledge about IF because if I'm going to talk to someone, I would really prefer if they had some background so I don't spend a bunch of time explaining tests, treatments, etc to them.  I haven't heard back yet, and I may need to look for someone else depending on their response to me, but I am proud of myself for hitting the "Send" button at least.

Quick cycle update: I'm 7dpiui, pt2.  With all the drama of this week I've barely been paying attention, which is not good because of the reason, but silver lining is I'm half way through the 2ww I guess?

And if I didn't already think the universe was cruel, a good friend had to go to the hospital yesterday because of some serious complications with her pregnancy.  I am sending all of my love, strength, prayers and well wishes that things turn out well for her and baby.  B, if you're reading this - I love you and Thumper and I am sending so much love your way <3