Holy shit, it's go time!

I went in for monitoring again this morning.  I was feeling pretty up beat and had some good laughs with my nurses - they are so awesome.  I got vag cam'd first, then sent for b/w, so by the time I got to the exam room, Dr. C was already there with my chart.  She said everything looks awesome and we're ready!!  She read me my follie count, but of course I knew I wouldn't remember and all I could think was, "Damnit, I wanted to ninja my chart before she came in!"  She told me I am triggering tonight, ER on Thurs!  We talked about how that would go, and I asked if Dr. R was around.  She tells me he's on vacation for 3 weeks!  Um, he told H & I that he would be the one to do our ER, so I'm slightly annoyed that's not the case, but I can't stress about it.  She actually said she does most of their IVF procedures, so I guess maybe it's better to have someone well practiced??  That's what I'm going with anyways.  So we talked about Thurs a little and then she said my favourite nurse would be in to go over details with me.  As she was walking out, I asked to see my chart and I totally pulled out my phone and said I wanted to take a picture because I would never remember it all.  She got a kick out of my ninja styles, as did the other nurse who came over midway through!  But I wanted to know my exact numbers, so they can chuckle at me if they want, I need my chart stalk!  For my efforts:

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.  She counted 11 mature and another 3 that might be ready by ER.  I got a list of instructions and when to take which drugs and then when to not, then when to restart - it was a little much, but I think I got it.  Or I'll call to clarify later, whatever ;)  I printed out a calendar and started adding everything to it so I can keep it straight.  And yes, it's colour coded :)

The plan is to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.  I've always used Ovidrel but today I will be triggering with HCG.  The nurse showed me how to mix them, first time for that.  But thankfully I have blog stalked and Dreamed with enough awesome ladies that I knew the mixing needle was NOT the stabbing needle, whew!  We went over it a couple times and I think I'm good with it.  Then tomorrow I start some antibiotics so as not to have any issues from the ER.  I am also going to be taking Dostinex again, which I took after IUI#3 and 4, it should help ward off OHSS, plus all the Powerade I'm supposed to drink, so hopefully that won't be an issue.  Then ER is Thurs at 9:30am, we need to be there for 8:30am with a novel sized stack of consent forms.  I'm a little nervous because we have to go to their downtown location, which I've never been to, and right between me and it, there is a shit load of construction on the roads.  Awesome.  So we'll leave nice and early with plenty of time.  Then we'll be doing ICSI and a 3dt, I can call on Friday to get my fert report, then ET will be Sunday morning.  I am super happy I will only need 1 day off work, and really happy we can battle Sun traffic and not Mon traffic to get there then.  Beta day is set for June 16, which is the Monday after Father's Day.  I am not saying anymore than that, because none of the other signs in the last 2 years have meant jack shit and I'm not taking any chances by jinxing it.

So here we are, already at trigger time!!  I'm anxiously excited.  I am glad I kept my therapy appt for tonight, I could use another session to talk about ways to help me chill out!  Ahhhhh, I can't believe we're really here!  In less than a week I will be PUPO, and hopefully we'll be able to drop the UPO part ;)

Chugging along

In cycle news, today is day 3 of Puregon and Lupron and I am having flashbacks to my first cycle with injects - I have been nauseated more than not since yesterday morning.  Ugh.  I just hope it doesn't last too long, like into next week's ER and stuff, that would not be ideal.  I woke up at 7am feeling like my stomach was doing somersaults, cue brain to go into over drive stressing about anything and everything, including feeling queasy.  Yeah, that definitely helped.  Yesterday it subsided by dinner time, well late dinner time I suppose.  Today, well we haven't quite reached the end for today.  Along with the nausea, I can already feel stuff going on in the ovary region - go follies, go!  I go in tomorrow for a check to see how they're doing.

Tonight I have my first appt with the psychologist - thankfully she had a cancellation so I grabbed it, quick!  With the week I've had, I really need this.  That being said, I'm rather anxious about it.  It seems crazy to me to be anxious about going to talk to someone largely about my anxiety, haha, but I guess it's a prime example.  I'm just hoping that I like her and that it all goes well.  I really hope she can suggest some things to do when I start to feel myself getting anxious and crazy.  I know I will need that particularly for ER and ET.  It can be so hard to calm my mind sometimes, I'm really hoping she has some ideas for me.

The very best part of my week is just over 24 hrs away.  I am thisclose to finally meeting two of my fellow dreamers and I am so freaking excited!!!  I can't believe they're coming here, I am so touched that they would come all this way for little old me, but I plan on making it worth their while :)  We have tickets for a Jays game on Sat afternoon, the weather (knock on wood!) is looking great for some downtown wandering adventures, hopefully some patio drinks, and lots of other ideas but I am most looking forward to is just all being in the same place together and getting to talk, like, really talk, not just on FB chat.  It's amazing that after all we've been through, all the things we've discussed, how close I feel to these women, I can't believe this will be the first time we've ever actually met in person.  Can you tell I'm excited?!?!  Come on, Friday night!!

Especially with being in the IF closet, this couldn't be more true <3

Ute Scraping and All the Feelers

Endometrial Scraping
So I have not been holding my breath, but praying nonetheless for our miracle BFP this cycle.  I'm 11dpo today.  I tested this morning, anything to get out of this scraping and IVF, amirite??  As per usual, one single line staring at me in that mocking way it does - fucker.  I didn't honestly believe it would be positive, but damnit, there's always that little voice that whispers, "maybe".  So I didn't get out of my scraping, and off to the clinic I went this morning.  I unfortunately got Dr. C, guess you can't win 'em all.  Anyways, I was pretty anxious, I won't lie.  I have a tough time with my anxiety when it comes to new and unknown things, this is true in IF and in my life in general.  But as I sat there, naked from the waist down on the table, feeling that sense of panic start to rise and consume me, I made myself take a few deep breaths and tried to calm my mind.  Dr. C and my favourite nurse came in to get started.  It honestly was not any fun, as I'm sure you can imagine, it's that odd sensation in your uterus, similar to, but no where near as intense as, my SHG was.  It was over nice and quick, there was some discomfort, some crampiness, but it really was fine.  I am just glad it's over now and I don't have to anticipate and be nervous about it anymore!

Therapist
I wrote a little while ago about taking the step to send that email to the therapist.  Well, it didn't go as smoothly as planned.  One of the two I emailed never bothered responding, the other one did respond initially, but then seemed to drop off the face of the earth for my two follow up emails.  I was losing hope, it took me a lot of googling to try and find someone near by (it will NOT reduce my stress to drive in rush hour, downtown, to get to therapy after work) and who my insurance will cover.  Out of the blue, that second therapist emailed me back today, she apparently just got back from vacation.  (Ever heard of Out of Office replies??)  Anyways, I did it!  I made an appt!  I will see her on May 27, that's her next available evening appt.  I think it will be in and around the time of ER, I'm hoping before so that maybe she can give me some techniques and tools to deal with the anxiety I will no doubt have going into ER.  Again, something new, something I've never done, very hospital/surgery-esque - I'm going to be a ball of nerves, no matter how many of my amazing friends reassure me that it's going to be fine (you can still tell me this though!).  I consider this a little victory, and I'm proud of myself for doing it.  Now I'm nervous about seeing a therapist!

Stressed the fuck out

Mom and Dad, I'm talking to you!

Holy fuckballs, what a very shitty week this has been.  I am emotionally exhausted, thank goodness it's Friday at least.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and let me tell you, it is mighty heavy.  This shit with my parents is weighing hugely on me, but I'm trying desperately to stay out of it as best I can.  However, it has directly led to another very serious issue, and that is my mom and how she's handling all of this.  I won't downplay it, she's going through a lot right now, but the way she's choosing to deal with it, and not deal with things, is really not ok.  Even though this is my personal blog and no one IRL knows about it, I'm still hesitant to put it all out there, plus I honestly don't have the energy.  At any rate, I took a very difficult first step and have reached out to a couple of my uncles/aunt and my mom's friends (who I have very good relationships with also) to help.  My brother and I are simply not equipped to help her through this, she needs more than we can give her and pretending like this isn't happening is not helping her, it's only potentially causing more harm.  So I'm hopeful that together we can come up with some ideas on how to help her and selfishly, I'm really glad to be starting to feel like this isn't all on me.  I simply cannot handle anymore, so I asked for help.  It was hard and exhausting asking for it, but as I've told my mom, I think this will all get worse before it gets better, but we need to start making some progress at least.  Ok, that's all I can manage for today.

I think I've posted this before, but I need to remind myself of it right now.

I took another big step this week that was also hard for me.  A couple weeks ago I called our insurance to ask about coverage with a psychologist and did some googling and found someone who's not too far from here.  That email draft has been sitting in my "Drafts" folder since then.  Yesterday I finally hit send.  In my email I asked about her experience or knowledge about IF because if I'm going to talk to someone, I would really prefer if they had some background so I don't spend a bunch of time explaining tests, treatments, etc to them.  I haven't heard back yet, and I may need to look for someone else depending on their response to me, but I am proud of myself for hitting the "Send" button at least.

Quick cycle update: I'm 7dpiui, pt2.  With all the drama of this week I've barely been paying attention, which is not good because of the reason, but silver lining is I'm half way through the 2ww I guess?

And if I didn't already think the universe was cruel, a good friend had to go to the hospital yesterday because of some serious complications with her pregnancy.  I am sending all of my love, strength, prayers and well wishes that things turn out well for her and baby.  B, if you're reading this - I love you and Thumper and I am sending so much love your way <3