**Cry Baby Alert**

Yup, that's right, I'm being a big cry baby.  Well, actually today my eyes still feel a bit swollen from my cry baby, pity party yesterday.  CD1 officially came this morning, but I knew yesterday I was out.  My temp had dipped a bit when I temped yesterday morning at 5:30am but it was still up.  I tried to fall back asleep but couldn't so I got up and, being a glutton for punishment, I took a test.  BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE.  And since I got up and moved around, my nose started running and coughing ensued; that, plus the BFN made it pretty hard to fall back asleep, but I eventually did.  (Did I mention I have had a nasty cold for almost a week now?  When it rains, it pours.)  Throughout the day there was a lot of spotting and I just knew we were out.  Again.  I can't lie, I had a few moments throughout the day, that I kept fairly well hidden, that I just burst into tears.  We hit our one year TTC anniversary last month, today means we are officially on cycle 12 and moving into month 13.

I no longer believe this is just going to happen for us.  I have never even had to question an HPT, they've always been stark white, not even a hint.  I feel like I'm going crazy at times.  Like I want to say, "That's it, I'm not going through this anymore, screw it".  But that's not really an option, I have no choice but to keep going through this, over and over again.  It's the only way we'll get the family we so desperately want.  And I want that more than anything.

This CD1 blows for a number of reasons.  Besides the fact it's another cycle, cycle 12, month 13, I will not have a baby before I turn 30 in March.  I know deadlines like this seem silly, but I never imagined when we got started that we wouldn't have a baby by the time I was 30, and now that's the reality.  I never imagined (many months back) that our baby wouldn't meet Mia, and that's not going to happen.  I really wanted to take that picture on our vacation (in this post) like my parents took when my mom was 3 months pregnant; we leave on Sunday, so that's not going to happen either.  All of these deadlines that I had in my head are all coming and going, and still no baby, not even the promise of a baby.  My SIL & BIL are planning to start TTC#2 and as stupid as it sounds (and I know, I've read enough posts like this on TB), I can't help but feel like we're going to get lapped.  It's not so much that I really want to have a baby before her, it's more about how it highlights how long this is taking us.  Today, I hate TTC, I hate this process, I hate my body for not doing the one thing I was really counting on it to do, and I hate the way this process makes me feel - powerless, out of control, helpless, a deep longing for what I can't seem to get, and a sadness that is getting harder to pretend isn't there.

My mom is my best friend and I can't believe I have managed to not tell her any of this.  I wanted to surprise her with the news that I'm pregnant.  I lied to her last week about my u/s (we had plans after) - I told her I had to go for bloodwork about my thyroid, because I didn't want to have to tell her about why I really went for an u/s.  H suggested that maybe I tell her the truth, but there was this little voice saying, "But maybe this cycle is the one and I'd hate to tell her we're having trouble if I could get a BFP in a few days" - yeah, that was a likely scenario.  I am thinking about talking to her, maybe once we're back from vacation and I see my doctor and figure out where we go next, maybe with a little more information, maybe I'll talk to her.  I just feel so alone.

If you made it through this ridiculous and pitiful post, kudos to you, or you're bored and avoiding work, which is cool too.  I did give you an alert at the top, it's not my fault if you didn't heed the warning!  We went to a BBQ this weekend and I made these: No Bake Reeses Peanut Butter bars so I will consume the leftovers tonight.  They got great reviews, except that we all agreed it could really use more of a crust to help keep it together a little better - maybe a nice graham cracker crust or something.  In any event, they taste delicious and I'm happy there were some leftovers!