@#^%$*@#%$*^

Remember how it was going to be perfect timing to O tomorrow (ish) since H is leaving on a business trip tomorrow?  Yeah, well that would have been nice, but that would have been a little too easy.  Sigh...

I went in for monitoring this morning.  My 15 "disappeared" (where the fuck do they go??) so I currently have a 14 and a 13, so they have barely changed since Tues.  I was surprised and really disappointed to hear that.  I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes as my stomach sank - H leaves tomorrow, there is no wiggle room there.  So Dr. R says we can either scrap the cycle - he said something like, "it's only one month" to which I quickly replied, "Well, it may seem like one month, but it sure feels like 18 months" and he gave me a very understanding look and said, "I know it does" in his reassuring way.  Then he suggested that we could freeze H's sample and do IUI next week when he's away and I'm ready, he guessed I could O on Monday.  (Anybody remember when we went in on CD3 and I asked about this option and Dr. R didn't seem to keen??  Yeah, but this was clearly a new idea today when he said it!) 

I called H and gave him the rundown.  He is reluctant to move to IUI yet, he seems to think we are jumping the gun and rushing into more advanced/invasive/expensive options.  I get where he's coming from, but TI is not an option this cycle, if it were, that's what we'd be doing.  The IUI is the only way to salvage this cycle, which frankly, I've already put the leg work into with 3 appts for b/w and dildo cams - I'm invested here.  I think he sees cycle 1 as a bust that doesn't really count, cycle 2 was a good shot with the Letrozole and TI, and this cycle we don't even get to try that, so he basically sees 1 cycle it didn't work with Letrozole + TI, that's where he thinks we're jumping to IUI.  I get what he's saying here, but IUI wasn't as far down the road as I think he was hoping.  He has mentioned still wanting to get KU the "natural" way - I told him we're well past that now, but he would still prefer TI to insemination.  He said he will get on board with whatever I want to do, which is great, but it's also harder to make a decision when you know your partner isn't quite on the same page.

I think I need to push for the IUI option.  I don't think I can handle not having a shot this cycle, over the holidays, last one of the year, two pregnant SILs and announcements everywhere I look.  I need a chance.  They estimated about $1500 to go ahead with this plan.  That's a pretty good gamble, for a shot, no guarantees, just a shot.  I just called our insurance to double check, and yup, we were right - absolutely NOTHING is covered.  The fact that finances have to play a role in deciding whether to have a shot at getting pregnant makes me so angry.

I called and told them we're going to go ahead with the IUI plan.  I have a lot of mixed feelings right now.  I'm angry things didn't go better this cycle, I'm angry they lowered my dose of Letrozole and I had a much slower response, as I did cycle 1, I'm angry that it's going to cost us $1500 (at Christmas time, nonetheless) to have a shot.  I'm nervous about having to go for the IUI alone, while H is in China.  I should know by now nothing goes as you plan in IF, but this is far from the ideal situation for this cycle.  Please don't let all of this be for nothing.