Seriously? Seriously?!

If you follow my blog, you probably know that Friday was a tough day for me with the BFN.  I should be a pro at this by now, but this cycle's BFN really stung.  I let myself have the day to just be sad and cry and ask, "why not us?" over and over again.  I woke up on Saturday determined to pick myself up again and focus on the next cycle (speaking of which, AF - anytime now would be great, please and thank you).  I was making plans with my mom to go do some errands and Christmas shopping, take my mind off everything.  Then I got a text from my brother.  It literally said, "Hey, what are you up to today?" and I just had a feeling.  H and I were over visiting my brother and his gf (R&T) and my 18 month old nephew last weekend; my brother and I are close, but it seemed just a little odd that he was texting so soon after our last visit.  Before I left the house to go out with my mom, I said to H, "If they tell me they're expecting, I think I might hurl myself out a window" and H just laughed it off, wondering where that was even coming from.  So the plan was to go out with my mom, then after some errands we would stop by to visit R&T and nephew.  Somehow my mom and I were chatting and I said something like, "If they're expecting, I think I'm going to lose it" (my mom knows about our IF and she knew Friday was really hard for me, so we were already planning a short visit).  She said she and my dad had actually discussed it recently too, but they didn't think it would be so soon.  Nephew is only 18 months and they live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and finances have been...rocky for them.  (Is your IF/pregnancy radar going off yet??)

Of course we go visit and during our visit, my mom is holding her grandson reading him Good Night Moon while I sit next to them.  R&T were taking a video (my mom just said one of her sisters wanted a new video, so this seemed legit).  I have watched enough youtube announcement videos though, and I had a feeling something was coming.  My mom turns a page and sure enough, there's a picture of an u/s.  It took a minute for my mom to get it, but then she did and of course the tears started.  We got up and hugged them both, congratulated them on their exciting news.  When they seemed distracted enough with my mom, I snuck off to the bathroom and broke down.  I ended up sobbing on the bathroom floor, gasping for breath, trying with everything I had to pull myself together so I could go back out there.  We stayed a short while longer and my mom made up an excuse as to why we had to go (thank you mom!) and off we went.  I cried the whole way home, then when I got home I told H and proceeded to bawl my eyes out.

IF really fucking sucks.  It sucks that I don't have a baby yet.  It sucks I'm not even pregnant yet.  It sucks that we have been trying since my nephew was born, and they're already 12 weeks along with #2.  And it really sucks that this is amazing news and I just want to be happy for them, but I cannot stop feeling this overwhelming sadness and jealousy.  I did send my brother a text last night, I wanted to make sure they know we're really happy for them, and if I didn't seem totally excited, it wasn't because that's true - it's just because we have been struggling ourselves (T knew last Christmas we were sort of trying, but we haven't told them details or about IF at all).  I debated sending this text for hours, but the thought that my brother might think I'm not over the moon happy for them, I had to say something.  And I'm glad I did.  I got a really nice text back from him: "I kind of figured that was the case.  I really feel for you because I know how difficult, frustrating and sad that must be for you.  I know how happy you are for us, so don't think I ever thought otherwise.  [Nephew] and this baby are lucky to have such a loving and kind aunt.  I really hope that a little luck comes your way soon.  Love you".

While my brother and T aren't married, she's family, I refer to her as my SIL (just without the law part!).  I only have two SILs and they both started trying for #2 after we started trying for #1, and both are expecting their babies in the spring/summer.  What I wouldn't give to join that club, too.  It's been a rough weekend, to say the least.