Must.Stay.Away

From the parental drama.  Today is my parent's wedding anniversary, 38 years today.  It is the first time in my memory that I didn't call my mom and dad all excited today to wish them a happy anniversary, and make sure my dad remembered to buy her a card, maybe take her out for dinner, etc.  This is the first of their anniversaries that I think about them and feel sad, and hurt, and angry, and a little lost.  I have always looked up to them and admired the strength, love, dedication, compromise, respect and so much more than must go into making a marriage last and thrive.  Instead, I called my mom, we got through about 90 seconds of awkward chat, as I wasn't quite prepared to say "Happy anniversary!" but I obviously know it's their anniversary.  Anyways, after 90 seconds my mom was bawling and had to go.  That just rips at my heart.

I know I need distance.  I know I need to stay out of their marital problems.  I know I need to focus on me for right now.  I know all of these things.  But it's so hard to hear her, to know she's so upset and not say, "What's wrong?"  "What happened?"  "Are you ok?"  It kills me to not reach out to her like that.  We both know why, we both agree it's absolutely for the best, but damn it's hard to hang up while my mom, a woman I love so much, is on the other end of the phone crying her eyes out.  And then all of that sadness reminds me of how angry I am with my dad.  I knew today would be hard - for my mom, for them, and for me.  It just sucks.

This is not for me to fix