Fizzling out...

My optimism for this cycle, that is.  9DPO I was feeling hopeful, 10DPO, less so.  I temped this morning, 11DPO, and my temp was still pretty high so against my better judgment, I POAS.  Stark white, BFFN.  After testing out my trigger, I now know what a "shadow" or a "squinter" looks like - that was obviously not the case this morning, it was very obviously negative.  I have an appt with my RE for b/w tomorrow, so I guess I'll know for sure by lunch tomorrow, but I am quickly losing hope that this will be our cycle.

This makes my mind start racing through the next cycle.  If I get the results that I am expecting tomorrow, I am hoping I don't have another 15 day LP, I just want to get on with the next cycle.  This was our second cycle with meds, first with a trigger.  Next cycle, H is away on business from Dec 13-19, so I am really hoping that I O early again.  I hate the idea of a wasted cycle, but I also don't want to take the meds if I don't O early and he's gone - then the cycle is a wash, but I took fertility meds for nothing.  I know I responded well this cycle, so I am hoping that the RE feels optimistic about an early O again next cycle, because this certainly isn't my norm.  This is what FF currently predicts; notice the dates my H is away all have a green box around them:

The thought of going into what will likely be our last cycle of 2013 makes me really sad.  It's already almost been a year and a half, but turning over the calendar after a whole year of TTC and still never knowing a BFP just really stings.  There are also only 3-4 more cycles that could even give me a due date in 2014.  How depressing is that thought??  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but that's just how I roll, I can't help it.  I need to mentally prepare myself for a definitive BFN tomorrow, it's my defense mechanism.  And being a planner, I need to have my plan B in place, which is why I immediately start thinking about the next cycle.

I guess I'm just having a rough IF day, this roller coaster sucks and I'd really like to get off soon...but at the stop I have been dreaming about since as long as I can remember - motherhood.  I know a BFN at 11DPO is not definitive, but I am afraid of letting myself remain hopeful because as much as I don't want to admit it, that BFN this morning shook me a little; as much as I tried to stay cool, I definitely got my hopes up.  I really, really wanted to see a real second line.